Whats your take on this (no sex after huge build up)

[Longsight2019]

I’d appreciate your views on a matter which occurred over the weekend.

I’d been away for a few days and was looking forward to seeing my wife on my return. I knew she was going out that evening (rarely gets the chance - was pleased she was going to get some time to herself away from me and the children)

We’d been texting suggestively during the day and had agreed that we would DTD when she got home from her night out. Told her she looked beautiful etc (which she did )

I’d text her to make sure she was ok and told her that I planned on taking a viagra before she got home (recently bought four tablets and enjoyed it last time, so said to let me know when she was an hour away or so)

She text at midnight saying they were going to another bar, no timescale. So I took the tablet anyway and went up to bed.

I began to doze off but could feel the tablet having an effect so kept myself awake when at 12:40 the door went and she’d arrived home unexpectedly.

When she put the house alarm on it triggered a chime to let us know that one of the external doors was open. She realised that she’d left the garage access door open all afternoon so went outside to shut it. With all the chiming and noise I was concerned she’d wake the children up so registered my annoyance lightly by saying “honestly, I wish you’d be more careful with security and leaving doors open!”

When she came back up, she knew I’d waited up but didn’t even bother coming in the room where I was, instead entering the bathroom in total silence and began removing makeup.

At this point I didn’t know what to do, so left her to it for 10 mins. I couldn’t really hear what she was doing so I called her name and asked her what she was doing. I then asked her to come in the room.

We ended up arguing about the whole build up to her coming home, for her to then ignore me and show no interest in me whatsoever, even though she knew I’d taken a Viagra and we’d agreed that we were to have sex that evening. It made me
Feel pretty bloody worthless and like we just aren’t very well connected mentally.

Then our youngest daughter woke up and wanted her mum, so it became impossible to do anything.

I just feel that my wife lacks awareness in this area and that I’ve been left feeling frustrated and disappointed many times in similar circumstances.

Can you see why I’d be upset with this scenario?

Yes he could have done. And next time she’s in the mood and he’s not, he could tell her to go and knock one out. Sounds very emotionally considerate.
Oh, and 1 wank would work - for about 30mins - then he’d need another. Possibly one later as well depending on the mg dosage used and what he’d eaten that day. Viagra leads to as many problems as it solves.

Jabber then perhaps he shouldn't take it? If it's that hard work?

OP this reads that you believe you are entitled to sex if there's been a whisper of it happening. That really is an unpleasant trait.

Say she'd come home and as you "expected " things had begun and after a few minutes she decided she was too knackered/drunk etc to continue.

What would you have expected to happen next?

Busy this is access to a body, a mutual and consensual act of love. Not a fucking Nando's.

LOVE that the pill he'd taken means it makes her refusal even worse!

Reasonable expectations. Jesus.

Maybe he needed to. If so, are you suggesting he should give up on sex altogether? Viagra needs 1-2hrs to take effect so a bit of forward planning it going to be necessary, right? And for some there is the Viagra Hangover of dry mouth, dizziness, headaches, blurred vision, muscle pain etc. Clearly he thinks his wife is worth the risk of that. Let’s not undervalue that.

But we drift from the OPs first post:

“I just feel that my wife lacks awareness in this area and that I’ve been left feeling frustrated and disappointed many times in similar circumstances.”

“Many times”. Not a one-off then. Look, we can’t just ignore the fact that when sex is on the table, often so too are feelings, self-esteem, past hurts and even the entire relationship history. If we we are brutally dismissive of the sex, we are at high risk of being brutally dismissive of all that other stuff that’s wrapped up in it. Sex rarely exists in a vacuum - more often than not there is much more going on than the mere mechanics of it all. If you value your relationship with your SO then you need to value the sex that goes with it because it is another person opening themselves up to being honest and vulnerable with another person and who is motivated to give and receive pleasure and validation and that is something to be encouraged. This is why I counsel that she should acknowledge the let-down and onus to re-arrange and others scream “her body, her rules” like that is going to improve their relationship somehow.

There's no way I would want to improve a relationship like this, in wife's shoes.

I think the water is being muddied here. OP was asking opinions about that one night and his wife's 'unreasonableness' and not entire relationship history

Sounds like the effects of Viagra are not pleasant. However, just because he had taken it does not mean his wife had to have sex with him nor does she have to rebook a next time. She could have been more considerate when letting him know, but, after negative comments, an argument and probably just being plain tired, I doubt she was feeling particularly sympathetic.

"My body, my rules" just means we are/should be in control of what happens to us. It's a good thing.

Yes couples do 'schedule' time together that will probably lead to sex (date nights and whatnot) although not necessarily. But Jabber you did not appear to be suggesting that the wife schedule in a romantic evening, but that she 'prebook' sex because she had changed her mind this time.

On their relationship overall: they have issues as the OP obviously perceives a problem in this area. I would suggest they talk about it (calmly) and possibly even get couples counselling. However, I am unsure he is even still listening as his last post smacked of someone being negative when not getting the answers he wanted.

scream

I am bothering to make these posts as I think it is important to give a woman's POV, although obvs this is personal to me and my female friends - other women may feel differently.

The build-up to sex (in a relationship) is important as you want to feel loved/desired/wanted in that moment and not just a piece of anatomy.

Passion-killers:-

Negative comments
Arguments
Tiredness
Issues with children
Grumpiness in partner

I'd also find the prebooked sex off-putting. "I've been away for a few days so we're going to dtd". Although OP states that this wasn't the case.

And, just to labour the point again, two consenting adults are not unreasonable to decide that they do not want to go ahead. No-one is entitled to sex.

Mother spot on. And I think we've all been there (especially as parents) whereby sex is "on the cards" so to speak however stuff happens to kill the mood and it doesn't happen. That's life. Either party is entitled to decide they're not up for it with no recriminations and likewise the other party is entitled to feel disappointed. I would if DH decided not to! However I'm not a 4 year old so won't wallow for too long.

The Viagra is irrelevant and whilst I can imagine the effects of, ahem, not "dealing with it " will be might uncomfortable, it won't last forever. It's certainly not Mrs OPs duty to relieve the discomfort.

Just noticed our user names are both cosmic themed

I actually feel OPs pain, ad DH and I have massive issues in our marriage at the moment.

My DH tells me he wants to resolve them, be a better DH etc but this is classic of his behaviour.

Sex is about his wants, his timing, I have given up ever making the first move it's just not worth the rejection 9/10.

He likes Sunday morning sex, yes it's great but not as the only time. I've grown to hate it, I used to just accept it as better than never, now I would prefer never.

So, he decided he would get counselling, part of which meant he would ensure that I was made to feel a Sunday morning "chore".

The other evening, he was all over me, we kissed, touched a little, he was clearly aroused, seemed really up for it. I felt good, excited, he was making an effort etc. Told him I was going for a shower and would "meet" him in bed. After an hour and 15 minutes I gave up and went to sleep.

In the morning I did ask, yes maybe a MN sin and he said he started watching a program and "changed his mind", of course what can I say? Nothing. he had that right.

But it didn't stop me feeling let down, needy or frustrated, I felt all those and it was also demeaning.

I am at the point now that unless he actually has PIV I can't assume sex will happen.

He's controlling our entire sex life, I can have no feeling or wants or any desires. Society says I've no right even in a marriage to express disappointment.

I've considered leaving, I've spoken about it with him, he doesn't want that, he wants to "try". In his mind the other evening was him trying for me, but it just made me feel worse as it was just paying "lip service" to the situation.

I feel your pain OP.

As soon as you said it was simply being fair you totally lost me. With your attitude I'm not surprised she didn't feel like fucking you.

@tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz

nanoo nanoo

@theretheirtheyrenotno did you do marriage counselling together? Advice seems strange. It sounds as though you are much further down the road to the OP.

Of course you have every right to express disappointment. That was not the issue with the Longsight's post.

I've considered leaving, I've spoken about it with him, he doesn't want that If you have talked to him, had MC and nothing has changed, I think maybe you should consider what you want as well as what he wants.

I am a bit confused, you want sex and 9/10 times your husband doesnt but likes Sunday morning sex, but that's the one time you don't want sex? Have I got my wires crossed?

Good luck!

with Longsight's post!

The Longsight is a mythical being who is reasonable at all times!!

Grim

People are conveniently overlooking that he took a Viagra based on the agreed notion that sex would happen. Being stuck with the effects of that throughout the night leads to an uncomfortable night’s (not quite) sleep

When I've taken Viagra for medication induced ED I've found if I'm not mentally and physically aroused nothing happens, not even an erection. There are many, many, posts on Fetlife of people seeing the same effects.

OP, I understand your disappointment, the argument definitely turned your wife right off sex, but either party can call a halt at any time, including whilst DTD.

Oh, and fab posts @Mothership4two

Thank you Steve. I am taking OP's point seriously and genuinely trying to give a bit of insight.

Glad there are some decent men out there in the ether!

Bloke here. I'm no expert in the typical woman's psyche, but in my not-extensive experience, if she (and you) are in the mood, it'll be lovely, but if one of you isn't, then it'll be fairly rubbish.

Neither of you can really control whether, at the point of planned action, you are indeed both up for it, but if you ain't, you ain't.

Pre-planning a shag can help lay the ground but isn't a guarantee of execution. It's not a contract!

As an aside, there is something comic about the juxtaposition of the banality of a garage door and a guy left high and dry (and hard) after dropping a viagra. OP, when this has blown over, perhaps you'll see the funny side.

But in the meantime OP, for your own expectation management, please do accept that no amount of pre planning can guarantee she'll be up for it at the designated hour.

Seriously, you could have just mentioned it the next morning. Obviously not being angry just ask her what happened. I expect she had a bit to drink and needed some sleep. Starting a row was probably a mood killer too.
It's not wrong that you felt disappointed. It is wrong how you feel about not getting your way. You're way too entitled and have come on a forum, asked a question and refused to consider other people's opinions. I hope you start to change that after reading some honest ones.

I remember the early days when DD was younger and I'd have the occasional night out with girlfriends. As it was such a rare occurrence I'd really look forward to getting dressed up and be generally very excited To Be Going Out After 7pm When I'd Normally Be In My Pyjamas. Add in being knackered before I'd even left the house and then booze it was always a recipe for collapsing on the sofa snoring when I stumble in at 11pm. Of course throughout the evening because I felt all foxy being dressed up and was just high on the fun of it all I'd often send DH dirty message promising all sorts of debauchery and fail to deliver on most of them. He just found it amusing.

I don't know about your wife OP, but I can guarantee the remark about security and leaving doors open would have completely killed any desire I might have had for a sexual liason.

Your mistake, I'm afraid, was taking the pill without having had the go ahead from your wife. I'm sorry you were left frustrated and had an uncomfortable night (likely), but both people need to be in the mood for sex, and that involves being sexy and kind to each other rather than picking banal arguments.

Perhaps if you'd gone to close the garage door your wife could have spent that time taking off her make up and getting excited and things might have ended differently?

I agree - your comment about the garage door was enough to irritate the hell out of her and change her mood from excited to disappointed and she then withdrew emotionally from you. Had you helped her sort the doors out, I'll bet you'd have been shagging on the kitchen table 5 minutes later.

Well, anything that night could have changed her mood, really... Something might have even happened during the night out, or on the way home, or maybe you texted her too often and she just needed to hang out with her friends... or maybe she had so much fun and then got back feeling happy but very tired and needed some piece, and then go caught by the alarm, had to run back to the door to fix all hoping the kids wouldn't wake up...and then you said what you said... or maybe there was something else...

We have this rule we agreed on with my husband when we just started seeing each other - when we're not in the mood for sex, we just say it. Some couples even have key words or phrases which mean that you're not in the mood. And usually, when you say that you're not in the mood, you tell why (or you ask each other what happened) - you may be tired, or angry, or upset, or just need a cuddle... No-one owes sex to anyone, so arguing is pointless, but talking about feelings and wishes can make you so much closer