Noisy sex?

[ConfusedDH]

I stayed in a hotel the other night where the couple in the next room where having very noisy sex. For ages.

This post is not about the protocols of being noisy in hotels or public places, that's a different subject matter.

The reason for this post is to ask whether people in long term relationships have noisy sex like that or not?

I'm ashamed to admit that my overriding emotion as I lay there unable to not listen to them was one of sadness.

This was in the main due to envy that they were clearly enjoying what must have been pretty mind blowing sex - at least from her perspective. Something that I've never experienced with a partner before, but would dearly love to (too late now, married, kids, and very quiet, dull by comparison sex).

It made me realise that never in my life have I made love to a woman and experienced anything even remotely like that level of vocalisation or professed enjoyment.

Don't get me wrong, I know what an orgasm sounds like, although I've never heard one called out at full pitch/volume, but this was on a different level.

All my sexual experiences have been occasional muted moans and groans, a little heavy breathing, and perhaps a gasp/sigh or two at the end.

This sounded like the labour ward.

It made me feel like I've never even remotely got close to giving a woman that kind of pleasure where they call out loudly over and over again. It was as if it was an hour long continuous orgasm, and a corker at that!

I've seen porn stars sound like they're having a limb amputated without anaesthetic and always assumed it was utter nonsense, but to hear it in real life was a kick in the nuts.

So, is it normal to be that vocal, and if so, am I correct in believing that it must feel absolutely, utterly intoxicatingly magnificent to result in making that amount of uncontrollable noise?

If so, do I assume that I'm just completely terrible in bed?

I appreciate some women are noisier than others, but surely you don't make that kind of noise unless you're having your mind blown?

Our sex has always been very quiet, and when the kids came along, pretty much silent. Even when we've got the house to ourselves (and we occasionally have sex) it's still quiet enough that nobody could ever hear in the next room.

I just feel like I'm missing out on this exciting, passionate, noisy sex and the pleasure that must create it.

Any thoughts?

What you keep writing is that you want to compromise. But then you also state that sex less than once a week isn’t acceptable. You want your wife to be thinking about it and desiring you all the time. You want more exciting (noisy etc) sex. But your wife doesn’t want these things currently. So surely you have to be prepared to meet in the middle? I have total sympathy for your situation. But I also sympathise with your wife. It sounds like she is/was feeling coerced and pressured into sex to continue her marriage. No wonder she is struggling to orgasm.

As others have advised a sex therapist or counselling could help if you both want to save your marriage. I would go with an open mind though. As should she. If your wife wants to improve her libido there are options available. But it’s normally more complicated than that.

She doesn't have to be desiring me and thinking about it all the time, but some/frequent would be nice/healthy?

I agree compromise is meeting in the middle.

My start position was already compromised, twice a week would be a massive compromise that I'd just about cope with as long as it was high quality and fulfilling and not instigated by me all the time.

Twice a week in a marriage does not seem unreasonable?

How my wife might get from where she is now to twice a week with feeling a and passion is another thing?

I am genuinely trying to be reasonable and absolutely want to help, but like I read from many women on this forum, I'm not alone and see plenty of support in their favour about life being too short, he should go and see a Doctor, he's not being fair etc, etc.

But when you say to her you can ‘just about cope with’ twice a week. Plus it must be exciting and she must do x and y. And what you want is healthy and reasonable in a marriage. That’s saying take it or leave it. Which is fine to say. But you’re not going to reach a mutually acceptable compromise that way (which you say you want)

I also find your last posts a bit demanding..if you see sex at least everyday and twice at the weekend as the norm and would settle for 2 a week as long as it was "High Quality" then you are coming across like a dog on heat ...Maybe take the sex out of your relationship for a set period and then both chat about each others expectations.

I just have a high sex drive is all but understand that I need to temper it. Sadly, when you have a high er sex drive that isn't being in any way satisfied, not even a little bit, it exaggerates the problem.

I'm not deliberately putting arbitrary numbers against frequency to sound demanding and I'm sorry if it comes across that way, more just giving an idea as to my ideal average frequency - sometimes more, sometimes less, but also demonstrating that I have compromised already, right from the beginning. We all surely have subconscious frequency thresholds? An amount we would like, and amount we have, and an amount we would consider too little - I don't think I should feel bad for expressing these. There comes a point when it's not enough though and I'm not alone in feeling this - again, there are countless threads about not enough sex on here and the impact this has on relationships.

I also get that exciting is not realistic in a long term relationship, but would also counter that it should at leas be enthusiastic and not done as a favour or out of sympathy, which is soul destroying - I've read that enough on here to know that's a fair and reasonable enough desire.

And to your point, sex is now out of the relationship and has been for a little while - over a month now. Yes, I'm climbing the walls and feel desperately sad, but I'm committed to seeing how this transpires - to see if no pressure, no expectation etc yields a positive reaction.

Which brings me back to a question I raised several posts ago - under these circumstances, how long do you give it before assessing whether this has or hasn't made a difference?

OP you’re going round in circles here.

I feel really sorry for you.

What has she compromised? She’s refusing to do anything about it. This “heart to heart” you had on holiday has suited her very well. You basically stay clear from her unless SHE decides to have sex. Imagine if you said it had to be the other way round? You’d be labelled a rapist/abusive etc

You have voiced your feelings repeatedly. What is she doing? nothing
She isn’t going to the dr’s, she isn’t visiting a counseller. She isn’t trying at all, OP.

She doesn’t even want to touch herself. She can’t use the kids as an excuse because they’re older and in school so she’s hardly got snotty toddlers clinging onto her all day making her feel unsexy.

I personally think you’ve been very patient, more so than I would’ve been. I’m sure you love her, and I’m sure you don’t wish to split as you’ve already said. But like another posted said, marriage is about compromise - and she’s not doing that. She’s refusing to get help and she’s refusing to improve the situation you’re in right now.

I feel like you either accept this is how it’ll always be or you leave.

You have a good relationship, other than the sex, which doesn't sound great.

Hence the obvious solution in my view is to visit a sex therapist. Is this a viable option for you, and if not why?

Which brings me back to a question I raised several posts ago - under these circumstances, how long do you give it before assessing whether this has or hasn't made a difference?

I think you've clearly given it long enough to know it isn't working. You need a different solution.

I’m going through the menopause. I’m on HRT so I have sought help but I have no libido and don’t/can’t orgasm anymore. Bloody miserable but I really don’t want to take anymore drugs. Sex is good but no way could I do it daily as I would end up with UHTs and soreness. Perhaps you need to consider whether your wife is going through the same thing. It is bloody miserable, draining and needs to be discussed more. Lots of women can’t evsn have sex because of the pain and soreness. Perhaps get your wife to see a menopause expert (not a GP). However although my hormones are more stable I can’t see my libido ever coming back whatever HRT I take. As I said bloody depressing and miserable.

@newsofas

The OP’s wife is refusing to get any help. So really it doesn’t matter why she won’t have sex, what matters is the fact she isn’t even trying to better the situation.

I doubt it’s the menopause. I just don’t think she’s interested in sex and I feel she just expects the OP to live as he currently is.

Thanks for the replies.

Just to add, and to be fair to DW, at my suggestion she did have her bloods tested for hormone levels very recently and all were found to be correct and normal. I doubt it's menopause as she is still in her 40's and still has regular, normal periods. This isn't something that has just started recently, more it has been a steady decline over the last 10 years or so.

I have probably not been clear that her attitude is not a negative, unsupportive one of "Take it or leave it, I'm alright Jack", but more one of "I know things are broken and can't carry on as they are, but don't know where or how to fix it".

She now knows that going through the motions doesn't work (for me), so we both agreed to not do that, hoping that a no pressure, off the agenda MO might allow her to naturally come back to the party, but I don't know if a month or so is still early days or not?

We've discussed therapy and this is something that remains an option on the table, subject to how we get on with the the off the agenda thing.

It will be an interesting (if frustrating) experiment, as how often do we see the advice given that to allow a woman's libido to recharge, the no pressure, off the agenda should be adopted. We'll soon see if this approach is robust or is just kicking the can down the road.

Love noisy sex and if we’re feeling really decadent we do it with the door open!

ConfusedDH

I would strongly encourage you to consider consulting a sex therapist. I expect it will be a bit pricy but worth it, especially considering that your happiness is very much at stake.

Here's why.

First, there are plenty of positives in your situation. Your DW sounds nice - from what you say she has not been refusing sex to have sex with you. She might do so on occasion, but I'm sure that's normal. You are very clear that she acknowledges that you are not happy with the situation, and what you say gives the impression that she would like to fix it but she doesn't know how to go about doing that. Flirty texts, seductive techniques and the like - what you may like may seem obvious to you, but if she doesn't have that instinct, then it won't be obvious to her. So I imagine she will not mind you both seeing a therapist who specialises in sexual dysfunction. She may appreciate this as a way forward. I would imagine she'd appreciate a way of enjoying sex with you more than she has been.

Second, you have been having sex - not recently because of the 'off the table' experiment (which I will return to presently). Until then, you were having it a couple of times a week. You are not in a sexless relationship. Your DW is therefore not putting you off sex. It's important to acknowledge both these things as valuable. You obviously still find her attractive to a sufficient level to have sex with her, and she has been having sex with you (leastways until the recent experiment).

Third, a sex therapist will help you in a number of ways:

• the therapist will help you articulate your issues
• the therapist will help your DW articulate her viewpoint, and it may uncover something that your DW wasn't aware of, ie, a medical or psychological issue
• the therapist should acknowledge where each of you is coming from and validate that: this is important, because there's nothing wrong or shameful about wanting good sex, and there's nothing wrong and shameful in not wanting it at all.
• having a third person in the room will help control, manage and prompt the discussion.
• it will help you understand and empathise with each other at a deeper level (not that I'm suggesting you're not doing this - but improvement will always be good).

Ultimately you should remember that the outcome should make both of you reasonably happy. It doesn't matter what the specific outcome is. For you, the jackpot would be that your DW suddenly turns into a sex goddess. That's not very unlikely to happen, however, it doesn't have to matter if the discussion leads to an outcome that you both accept and go along with out of love for each other (which is what this is all ultimately about). The worst outcome would be that nothing changes - however in my view that's also unlikely as long as you give it a good go in good faith.

Regarding the 'off the table' arrangement, my concern is that it's not going to improve your DW's libido one bit. I am concerned that its only result is that your DW becomes used to not having sex and is therefore even less likely to want to have it; furthermore, you will become used to not having sex with DW and instead you will end up with a massive porn habit, which won't help you or her. Or worse, and you go off and have an affair or engage a sex worker. If I were you I would consider ending that experiment right now.

My suggestion therefore is that you tell your DW that you would like to take the 'off the agenda' thing 'off the table' and you would like to consult a therapist instead and take things from there - and in the meantime you would like sex to return to normal.

I think if your DW agrees to this, it's time to take this discussion off the Internet. You have received a better quality of advice here than you would have on other parts of Mumsnet. You haven't had legions of people who decided to spend a 5-minute break on Mumsnet rather than reading Take a Break saying LTB or telling you about their own history without considering whether it's relevant.

"take this discussion off the Internet."

Clarification - I mean continue it off the internet - I'm but suggesting you ask Mumsnet to remove it.

not suggesting.

...sigh

Thank you, I'll consider your suggestions properly and will walk away from this thread.

I appreciate the input from everyone.