Noisy sex?

[ConfusedDH]

I stayed in a hotel the other night where the couple in the next room where having very noisy sex. For ages.

This post is not about the protocols of being noisy in hotels or public places, that's a different subject matter.

The reason for this post is to ask whether people in long term relationships have noisy sex like that or not?

I'm ashamed to admit that my overriding emotion as I lay there unable to not listen to them was one of sadness.

This was in the main due to envy that they were clearly enjoying what must have been pretty mind blowing sex - at least from her perspective. Something that I've never experienced with a partner before, but would dearly love to (too late now, married, kids, and very quiet, dull by comparison sex).

It made me realise that never in my life have I made love to a woman and experienced anything even remotely like that level of vocalisation or professed enjoyment.

Don't get me wrong, I know what an orgasm sounds like, although I've never heard one called out at full pitch/volume, but this was on a different level.

All my sexual experiences have been occasional muted moans and groans, a little heavy breathing, and perhaps a gasp/sigh or two at the end.

This sounded like the labour ward.

It made me feel like I've never even remotely got close to giving a woman that kind of pleasure where they call out loudly over and over again. It was as if it was an hour long continuous orgasm, and a corker at that!

I've seen porn stars sound like they're having a limb amputated without anaesthetic and always assumed it was utter nonsense, but to hear it in real life was a kick in the nuts.

So, is it normal to be that vocal, and if so, am I correct in believing that it must feel absolutely, utterly intoxicatingly magnificent to result in making that amount of uncontrollable noise?

If so, do I assume that I'm just completely terrible in bed?

I appreciate some women are noisier than others, but surely you don't make that kind of noise unless you're having your mind blown?

Our sex has always been very quiet, and when the kids came along, pretty much silent. Even when we've got the house to ourselves (and we occasionally have sex) it's still quiet enough that nobody could ever hear in the next room.

I just feel like I'm missing out on this exciting, passionate, noisy sex and the pleasure that must create it.

Any thoughts?

@needyourlovingtouch

She was, but I suggested she stops to try and address this, so I had the snip. Not made any difference from what I can see.

@CandleWithHair

This is the big problem, and I've said this to her over and over and over until I'm blue in the face - it's like living with my sister.

She does precisely nothing to get me in the mood. Absolutely nothing. No flirting, no cheeky winks, no naughty strokes or caress during the day, no lingering kisses, no little cheeky flash of anything, no sexy talk - absolutely sod all, ever. When I challenge her on this, she tells me that she does show affection and that when we're sat together on the sofa, she strokes or pats my foot....

Well, there's nothing like a motherly pat on the foot to get me racing upstairs.

What do I do in return? Very little these days as I get so upset and disheartened by feeling I'm not on her sexual radar. If I try to touch or caress her, I get made to feel like I'm being inappropriate and abusive. Rude texts get ignored. If I say something suggestive or inviting, she brushes past it and doesn't take the bait.

I'm at a loss.

We've been over and over it endlessly.

Has she ever been particularly sexual with you and it tailed off over the years; or has the sex in your relationship always been a bit functional?

If it’s the former, then you need to ask yourself why she doesn’t get turned on by you anymore.

OP id suggest yous try councelling as a last resort and be straight with her from what uv told us i think u are quite direct, but let her know how serious this is. Yes some ppl have lower libidos than others but if hers is non existent she needs to find out why its not fair on u if shes not even willing to try. Perhaps shes menopausal depressed or has something in her past made her this way. I would say u really need to find the answer to the question youve been asking all of us is she totally uninterested and just doesnt care or is there an underlying issue here.

@Joey7t8

It was never what I'd call great and always had an element of functionality, which I assumed would get better over the years as we got to know each other and became more relaxed and in tune.

The opposite has happened.

As far as sexuality earlier in the day to keep things revved up goes - flirting, texts, messages etc - there has never been any of this, ever. Again, I thought this was a confidence thing that would improve. It didn't.

She's always too tired, to worried about something, the kids, work, this, that the other etc that sexuality doesn't feature.

Lazy weekend mornings aren't time to have gorgeous sex, to her, they're times to catch up on sleep before the kids demands take over.

Evenings aren't sexy time, as that's time to recover from the day's stresses and worries.

Whenever we've had time to ourselves without the kids, that has been used to rest and recover, catch up on sleep etc. There's absolutely ZERO suggestion that such opportunities could or should be used to engage sexually. We do sometimes, but again, without the passion/romance/build up.

Don't get me wrong, we have sex a couple of times a week which on paper is okay from a frequency perspective (I'd like more), but with no emotional foreplay, no passion and no enthusiasm, it's not satisfying or fulfilling. She gives me a BJ most times but wonders why it never makes me cum - this is because I'm not revved up emotionally or mentally turned on and the whole thing feels like a transactional process to try and tick a box. Don't give me oral because you think you ought to - that completely misses the point - blow me because you're horny, enjoy it and want to be sexy, rude and passionate.

I feel very lonely.

Whenever I try to talk about it these days, she just takes it as criticism and shuts down. I try to explain that I'm not happy with the way things are and that we have to talk to work through it, but there's never a resolution or agreement.

@ConfusedDH let me be completely honest u knew she was never really a sexual person so i think this might b more to do with whats changed in you recently. If sex is such a big part of your life then why did u marry her? I know love companionship all play into it but some ppl enjoy sex and not being compatible is a deal breaker..why is she soo tired all the time do u help her around the house with the kids etc? it does sound to me like you expect a lot of sex from her maybe thats a turn off to her

@thisisouryrfx

Everything else was great and I genuinely believed the sex would improve as we grew together. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and in my twenties, I didn't necessarily have the insight or life experience to look at things the way I do many years down the line.

I work 55-60 hour weeks in a stressful job. She works part time, therefore she does the lion's share of the housework - this seems fair as we both end up contributing an equal amount of time and effort. I do the car washing, lawn mowing, DIY, maintenance, 50/50 on the shopping etc.

No idea why she's always so tired. I'm always tired. I still feel sexual though.

I don't expect a lot of sex from 'her' as if it was a service she is providing - I expect and need a healthy, passionate, emotional sexual relationship with my life partner.

As for what's changed in me recently - as I've got older and approach middle age, I'm starting to assess things - have I achieved what I want in life? Am I happy? Is this what I set out for?

When you;re younger, most things are in front of you where you;re working towards things, striving to achieve, there's always tomorrow... etc.

When you get tot he stage where you realise that there's just as much behind you as there is in front of you, you think, hey, if I've not got there by now, will it ever happen and what can I do to change this, as going on and on in a state of dissatisfaction becomes less and less appealing. I can only imagine it''s a bit like a woman's body clock in her late thirties - perhaps she thinks, if I'm ever going to have a family, I need to meet someone and get cracking as time is not on my side - the passing of time changes the perspective of urgency.

I've said that my current level of unhappiness is not sustainable long term and whilst this causes regrettable upset, it doesn't affect change.

As for whether she has any libido - this is a source of confusion to me.

Her perspective is that she does and that's why we have sex.

My perception is that she doesn't and is just going through the motions to keep the peace, as from a male perspective at least, I feel sexual and think about sex frequently throughout the day and urges build up that need to be satisfied - this to my understanding of things is what a libido is - no?

If she had a libido, she'd be thinking about sex and acting on those urges, not acting totally asexually until we're lying next to each other in bed for the first glimmer or sexuality to occur in an almost mechanical, passionless touch that is the signal that things can progress. At which point I'm already pissed off, sad, lonely and resentful that there's been no hint of any spark or chemistry before hand.

If I make the first move, it's all very passive with an "okay, go on then" fell to it.

Where's the desire? The need? The hunger? The passion?

OP listen no ones relationship is perfect btw i called ur wife her because im a lazy typer no other reason lol. Thats my point mid life crisis and i get it 100% but from her perspective shes prob thinkin whats changed we ve been together for yrs this isnt nething new..in a long term relationship wanting sex more than a couple of times a wk i would say is a bit much. As i said i get that if ur unhappy and she doesnt even try to make an effort with the quality of sex then the relationship is at a stale mate but just b careful ur not playing the grass is greener on the other side game..not everyones swinging from the chandeliers like they make out lol

Maybe she is just really uptight and wants to have sex but cant 100% let go of all her inhibitions theres plenty of women like that. Its not like in porn u know

I appreciate that, genuinely I do.

I've been like this from day one. This isn't a sudden sea change in me - more a gradual building of dissatisfaction where I'm becoming less and less nonchalant towards it and more and more determined to try and address it.

I don;t want to go the rest of my days, bitter and resentful, yearning, wishing, hoping to feel fancied and sexually needed with no chemistry. It's destroying me and she knows it.

She has openly said she fears that I'll get fed up one day and leave.

Yet does nothing about it other than offer sex more frequently which totally misses the mark, as the passion and feeling wanted, desired and needed isn't there, hence I'm never satisfied and always wanting more, trying to scratch the emotional itch.

I made a point of leaving it three months once to see if when we finally DTD it would be fireworks. It wasn't. This also nearly drove me insane.

I absolutely 100% don't want to leave as I love her, plus the greener grass factor, plus the kids, family unit, all the other good stuff, but I know that I CANNOT say "hey ho, never mind, lets crack on as if everything is okay". It's not okay and won't be until there's change. I've said this also.

OP as i said suggest to c a sex therapist..and i know u work long hrs but ur underestimating how tiring it is looking after children and running a house she sounds like she needs a break aswell

You're banging your head against a brick wall mate. How many threads are you going to start explaining how lonely you feel and repeating again and again the same points?

Your wife doesn't have a high level of desire. Sex is not, never has been, and never will be important to her in the same way that it is to you. You could do 100% of the housework and admin and she would still rather watch shit TV than have sex.

You've got 2 choices:

1. Leave and find someone whose attitude to sex is aligned with yours
2. Find an outlet for your sexual sense of self - either a like minded FWB or sex worker. Sex worker is probably emotionally safer in that there's no danger of feelings developing.

If you stay as you are, you are going to destroy yourself. You will end up having an affair and blowing your marriage wide open, which will hurt the kids.

@NotTheFordType and gettin with a sex worker wouldnt ruin his marriage lol cmon thats the worst advice ive ever heard. The way i c it is give it one last shot with an expert and then if hes still unhappy leave if it is affecting him soo much.

I'd never cheat or betray her trust - I'd leave first, which I don't want to do.

I'd definitely consider therapy, but struggle to see how it would work without it in some way resulting in fake passion.

We're going on holiday soon, so we'll see perfectly clearly whether being tired and stressed is a factor.

@ConfusedDH gd but i will say 1thing u seem very paranoid about the whole faking it thing i think u need to accept that women do fake it or exaggerate sometimes thats just a fact of life ive not met a woman who doesnt

So you've never been on holiday before since having children?

My iPad is shit at name checking but this is, you're giving me all of the lols.

OP I don't think you're sexually compatible and there isn't anyway of changing this. Your wife is unlikely to become a passionate, noisy enthusiastic lover now. This is the way she is, and you will need to work out what you want to do.

You aren't wrong to want a fulfilling sex life.

I appreciate your frustrations OP but I actually feel a bit sorry for your wife. You have sex twice a week and she gives you
oral. She knows you are dissatisfied but she can’t pretend to be something she isn’t.

You knew what sex with her was like before you married her. Put the shoe on the other foot - imagine if your DW started to demand you behave in a way which felt unnatural and made you feel uncomfortable. Then despite you trying to please her as best you could she still said it wasn’t good enough. I think that would be pretty soul destroying for me.

I’m not saying you should stay if you’re not happy. You come across as a decent person - if this is a deal breaker for you then you need to leave. There’s no point both of you being unhappy and the sooner you both start moving on the better.

I hope it works out for you both.

How can I put this tactfully?

Maybe your technique needs improving - in and out of bed - to get her ‘in the mood’

At he start of your thread I felt quite sorry for you. Now I'm at the end of your thread....I feel sorry for your wife

@NotTheFordType im confused

OP it does sound as if you have a very reasonable sex life.

My husband hasn't had sex with me for months, perhaps even since 2017! I'm young, slim, attractive and do initiative only to get rejected which really really hurts.

Your wife isn't rejecting you. She is tired but she still enjoys a sex life with you. She's just not in a porno!

I have had good sex with DH but im naturally quiet and have enjoyed him DT quietly and just us enjoying the silence and just focusing on the sensations for him and also how im feeling as im penetrated. Very quiet sex can be intense. I suspect OP you are a giving and skilled lover. lack of noise doesn't mean the woman isn't enjoying DTD

Maybe she is asexual?