Noisy sex?

[ConfusedDH]

I stayed in a hotel the other night where the couple in the next room where having very noisy sex. For ages.

This post is not about the protocols of being noisy in hotels or public places, that's a different subject matter.

The reason for this post is to ask whether people in long term relationships have noisy sex like that or not?

I'm ashamed to admit that my overriding emotion as I lay there unable to not listen to them was one of sadness.

This was in the main due to envy that they were clearly enjoying what must have been pretty mind blowing sex - at least from her perspective. Something that I've never experienced with a partner before, but would dearly love to (too late now, married, kids, and very quiet, dull by comparison sex).

It made me realise that never in my life have I made love to a woman and experienced anything even remotely like that level of vocalisation or professed enjoyment.

Don't get me wrong, I know what an orgasm sounds like, although I've never heard one called out at full pitch/volume, but this was on a different level.

All my sexual experiences have been occasional muted moans and groans, a little heavy breathing, and perhaps a gasp/sigh or two at the end.

This sounded like the labour ward.

It made me feel like I've never even remotely got close to giving a woman that kind of pleasure where they call out loudly over and over again. It was as if it was an hour long continuous orgasm, and a corker at that!

I've seen porn stars sound like they're having a limb amputated without anaesthetic and always assumed it was utter nonsense, but to hear it in real life was a kick in the nuts.

So, is it normal to be that vocal, and if so, am I correct in believing that it must feel absolutely, utterly intoxicatingly magnificent to result in making that amount of uncontrollable noise?

If so, do I assume that I'm just completely terrible in bed?

I appreciate some women are noisier than others, but surely you don't make that kind of noise unless you're having your mind blown?

Our sex has always been very quiet, and when the kids came along, pretty much silent. Even when we've got the house to ourselves (and we occasionally have sex) it's still quiet enough that nobody could ever hear in the next room.

I just feel like I'm missing out on this exciting, passionate, noisy sex and the pleasure that must create it.

Any thoughts?

@confusedDH if you’re as me me me in bed as you are in your posts, I think I can understand why your wife isn’t into it.

She's making an effort and you're still not happy, she can't win

If you stay as you are, you are going to destroy yourself. You will end up having an affair and blowing your marriage wide open, which will hurt the kids.

Yep cos men who pay for sex aren't cheating and don't blow their marriages wide open

Twice a week sounds pretty good for a woman who isn't interested. It's just that generally, but not always, men are far more interested in sex with their partner than women in long term relationships. My partner is very similar to yours, never initiates, no sexy messages, no little touches, no hugs, no cuddles. Sex twice a month is the norm. She really enjoys it when it happens and when we go on holiday and the stresses of life are not there we might manage 3 or 4 times a week, if it's the right time of month. I have accepted this is how it is. She will not be donning stocking & suspenders in an effort to surprise me or lure me into bed & I have to initiate sex 100% of the time, but that's how it is. It's not ideal, but I still fancy her after 17 years so it seems pointless looking elsewhere. However, I will try a month of doing no initiating or chasing and see if that changes things as it will be a nice experiment!

Just because someone isn't screaming their head off in bed it doesn't mean they aren't enjoying it. You say that if you bought her lingerie she wouldn't appreciate it, have you tried dressing up for her? You seem like very hard work tbh.

Sounds like counselling would help - not help her to be louder during sex, but help you to understand what her enjoyment looks like.

I can understand what you're saying, OP; you'd like to know your DW is turned on because that can stimulate further your own desire. Perhaps your DW does not feel very sensually open - is she going through the motions to please you? I can totally see why that's off putting as it feels false and you want to know that her desire is strong. The noise issue is separate as some people just don't express themselves vocally during sex. I usually find it hard to hold back on this front and my pleasure is increased when a partner can express himself similarly vocally too. But it has to feel genuine because any fake sounds or words can be a turn off. One partner, who was otherwise a very accomplished and sensitive lover, was usually silent and I had to encourage him to said the odd thing at pivotal moments which guaranteed results! Aah...happy memories ! It's a fine line though because you don't want a running commentary in Alan Patridge style! By the way, your noisy hotel guests make have been faking their performance or was she pleasing the client perhaps?

I only get mega loud to take the piss! My DH thinks it’s hilarious 😂 I’m sure she was having a good time but some of it was being put on to make him feel good about himself.

If you decide to follow the advice of notthefordtype and use a prostitute then please expect to lose everything not if but when your wife finds out. I will never ever forgive my stupid husband for doing just that. Using a prostitute will destroy your marriage and your wife. Believe me I know. I am aghast that any woman would recommend you do it.

A prostitution might appear like she is enjoying it but she will definitely be enjoying it a lot less that your wife!

^^
Exactly!

NotTheFordType Perhaps you would like to remind us how Prostitutes, (let's not be coy and call them 'Sex Workers or Call Girls'), save marriages!

Certainly know a lot of marriages that have ended due to men paying for sex though.

Omg no one should be recommending prostitutes to anyone. That's utterly disgusting and horrifying. I guarantee that the prostitute will enjoy the sex even less than your wife and you have a strong chance that the woman you pay for sex has been trafficked or is under age.
Paying for sex is violence against women. END OF.

@AngelsAckiz i agree with u that anyone who has to pay for sex is disgusting how could they enjoy it, but u cant say all prostitutes are forced to work some do it through their own free will. Yes alot of them are drug addicts who have been sexual abused and/or trafficked and the men are taking advantage, but some women believe it or not want to do it. I know a woman who fell into the lifestyle she had 2small children and was a single mum she didnt want to work 40-50 hrs a wk and never see her children. She had no qualifications and it was a way for her to make money and be there to take the kids to school pick them up and have money for clubs and holidays. Once the kids grew up she went back to college and now has a great career could i do it..no but do i look down on her..no she did what she thought was best for kids and they seemed happy and well cared for...

NotTheFordType Perhaps you would like to remind us how Prostitutes, (let's not be coy and call them 'Sex Workers or Call Girls'), save marriages!
Newerversion and AngelsAckiz Exactly the point I am making but it is a claim that is often made.

The best sex I have had, I was unable to muster any sound as it was totally mind-blowing.

That said, I've had average sex and made more noise. And I've also exaggerated my enjoyment..

You both need to make a decision. Things can't stay as they are (for either of you).

She is who she is and vice versa.

This thread needs to die now seriously

Op I've just read this whole thread and I'm intrigued to know if things have got any better?

I'm going through a similar situation

@fluffythings We went on holiday, ended up having a big heart to heart (after not having sex for most of it) and got a lot off our chests.

In a nut shell, she feels pressurised and carries a weight of expectation, where I feel undesired, unwanted and rejected, plus of course all that goes with the lack of intimacy and sexual fulfilment etc.

I told her that I simply do not enjoy sex when she is pretending and going through the motions, as it's utterly mechanical and might as well be with a blow up doll - she admitted it was to try and placate me rather than an inner desire, hence it never worked. I explained that I genuinely appreciated the sentiment, but that it wasn't satisfying the inner desire to be wanted, needed, desired and left me feeling like I was wrong to want sex and that I was being in some way a bad husband.

So we agreed as an experiment to only have sex when she really feels up for it, whilst I agreed to not try and instigate or do anything whatsoever that might make her feel under pressure (I'd given up on that anyway which was part of my unhappiness). This is in an attempt to see if things change over time.

So far we've had sex twice since the start of August, neither resulting in her having an orgasm, despite trying everything, which left me feeling pretty useless and flat. She claims she's not that bothered (part of the problem I think) and is just happy to be close.

Problem is, just being close doesn't feel like a passionate or fun sex life to me and I just ended up feeling crap.

She knows deep down inside I'm unhappy and climbing the walls in frustration and she wants to feel sexy and passionate, but just doesn't at the moment.

We sit on the same sofa and sleep in the same bed, but other than a peck goodnight or an occasional affectionate stoke of a foot, that's it for weeks on end. I can't project as that is adding pressure and I get absolutely nothing back at all - no snogs, touching, intimate conversation, nothing.

So the question is, how long is long enough? How long is patient? What is considered giving someone enough time and space? If the roles and genders were reversed, how long would a woman continue in this position without having to push back a bit and insist that more progress is made?

No doubt I'm going about this all the wrong way and how dare I feel the way I do...

Have you heard expression 'touched out'? Even though not sexual, many women just get fed up by kids hanging off them - day in, day out. However, it sounds like you feel cheated but I'm confused because you never had a passionate sex life with OH from the outset so don't understand why you thought it would change. I understand her perspective in that she was making herself sexually available - gauging levels of 'horniness' by noise and wetness is not the way to go, all women are different and hormonal, monthly changes are a big factor re the latter. Perhaps introduce lube as part of foreplay and toys? I have a sexless marriage and do feel emotionally wrung out because of the lack of intimacy, not even sitting side by side on the sofa or sharing a bed. The contrast to the first few years together is 180°, we were absolutely rampant. My husband will not talk about it so I've given up.

I hear you, however whilst it was never hugely passionate in the beginning and I admit I naively (in my 20's) thought we'd grow together and learn about each other over time, sex was at least frequent and felt genuine in the early years.

I've often read that couples can report that as they get to know each other and work out exactly what does it for their partner and how to push all their buttons, things can get better all the time. I guess that was my mindset back then. It wasn't a big enough issue to be of concern back then, just something that wasn't top of the pops.

It's the fact that it's declined so much over the years that's the real problem.

I understand hormonal changes, especially over a monthly time scale - how about years?

Kids are in high school now so I don't believe that is an element specifically. There's nothing I can see that makes me feel she's touched out.

I can get my head round the noise thing if there was at least some evidence of desire and enthusiasm, but when she's clearly just going through the motions, likely hoping it will be over soon, totally passive - it's soul destroying and does more harm than good.

Here and now, I'm just trying to work out in my mind what the long term may look like. I feel scared that there's no happy ending.

Splitting up is absolutely the very last thing I want to do as I genuinely love her and just the thought of being away from my children brings me to tears and would make me more unhappy than I am now. Financially, it's impossible.

Rock, hard place.

confused do you use any additional aids to help? If not, introduce them for her (if she wants of course) Many many women don't orgasm through PIV, and require other sources of stimulation. You have had loads of good advice here, but something is not right between the two of you. Take sex completely off the table, allow her to have some good me time and look at ways to build intimacy. Have a look at tantra also, you dont have to embrace it fully but it has some good techniques on how to connect with your partner.

If she isn't good at self exploration, i would suggest her having a look at OMG yes website, and learning about it in a private and tasteful way. And go form there. I also echo what other say about contraception and about being touched out.

From what you have posted over the last few months she sounds pressured and you sound utterly miserable. Pressure to perform or have sex is a real libido killer. Not all women are really vocal, but the point is she doesn't sound entusiatic, whether thats you and her, or its just her you need to find out, or resign yourself to living like this for the rest of your life.

@pudding21 We tired vibrators that once upon a time made reaching orgasm easier, but now they just don't do anything for her - nice, but not getting over the edge.

She is not on any form of contraception as I have had the snip some time ago.

As you say, sex is completely off the table unless she actively wants it - twice in 9 weeks and absolutely no pressure or expectation from me. I think those two times were experimental from her part to see how she felt about it.

She admits to no longer masturbating (not that she ever did much previously) as she can't reach orgasm anymore, despite trying all sorts of techniques from books and websites.

I've asked if she feels any type of arousal if she reads or sees anything erotic, and she says that it very much depends on what it is and in what context, but generally no - certainly not enough that would prompt her to seek sex or masturbate.

So, in a no pressure, all bets are off, supportive environment, how long do you give things to improve or change?

What can I do to help?

If she no longer has any sex drive, never feels the desire and doesn't feel any longing or frustration and cannot convincingly pretend to be interested (not that I'd want that, or it had ever worked) we're doomed are we not?