Noisy sex?

[ConfusedDH]

I stayed in a hotel the other night where the couple in the next room where having very noisy sex. For ages.

This post is not about the protocols of being noisy in hotels or public places, that's a different subject matter.

The reason for this post is to ask whether people in long term relationships have noisy sex like that or not?

I'm ashamed to admit that my overriding emotion as I lay there unable to not listen to them was one of sadness.

This was in the main due to envy that they were clearly enjoying what must have been pretty mind blowing sex - at least from her perspective. Something that I've never experienced with a partner before, but would dearly love to (too late now, married, kids, and very quiet, dull by comparison sex).

It made me realise that never in my life have I made love to a woman and experienced anything even remotely like that level of vocalisation or professed enjoyment.

Don't get me wrong, I know what an orgasm sounds like, although I've never heard one called out at full pitch/volume, but this was on a different level.

All my sexual experiences have been occasional muted moans and groans, a little heavy breathing, and perhaps a gasp/sigh or two at the end.

This sounded like the labour ward.

It made me feel like I've never even remotely got close to giving a woman that kind of pleasure where they call out loudly over and over again. It was as if it was an hour long continuous orgasm, and a corker at that!

I've seen porn stars sound like they're having a limb amputated without anaesthetic and always assumed it was utter nonsense, but to hear it in real life was a kick in the nuts.

So, is it normal to be that vocal, and if so, am I correct in believing that it must feel absolutely, utterly intoxicatingly magnificent to result in making that amount of uncontrollable noise?

If so, do I assume that I'm just completely terrible in bed?

I appreciate some women are noisier than others, but surely you don't make that kind of noise unless you're having your mind blown?

Our sex has always been very quiet, and when the kids came along, pretty much silent. Even when we've got the house to ourselves (and we occasionally have sex) it's still quiet enough that nobody could ever hear in the next room.

I just feel like I'm missing out on this exciting, passionate, noisy sex and the pleasure that must create it.

Any thoughts?

I'm not faking on the occasion I'm very loud.

I only tend to make sex noises I can't help.

My DH knows what really makes me scream and of course he loved the satisfaction of that.

I'm a pretty quiet person so trust me I find the idea of faking orgasm etc very cringe.

Ahh @ConfusedDH sorry to hear that there's not been an improvement 😞

I must say I'm very much like your wife 🙈 stuck in my ways, 5 kids, day to day life doesn't make you feel that sexy and horny, rather pick a good nights sleep and a lie in any day of the week 😬

I guess there's nothing wrong with that if both people are happy and content.

How does your husband feel about the current state of affairs?

Do you fear it will harm, damage or put your marriage at risk? If so, how do you feel about that?

My issue is that a fulfilling sex life is one of, if not THE biggest 'go to' point for fun and enjoyment in my life. It's one of those things that no matter how rubbish work has been, no matter how much of a bad day I've had etc, it's an area that makes it all worth while. Without it, it's all work and no play.

Added to that how crap it feels to be undesired, unfancied, not needed, disconnected - there's endless threads on here by women in a similar situation who describe how soul destroying and awful it makes them feel, so I feel no guilt or shame in feeling the same way.

So, how long with sex off the menu is enough to see if there is likely to be a change of outlook? A month? 6 months? A year? At what point do you say I've tried and its simply not going to change?

He hates it and is very much like you, doesn't feel desirable or loved,constantly asks me if I still fancy him and when I say I do he doesn't believe me.

I do give in eventual but it's always to shut him up and once I'm in "the moment" I enjoy it and get pleasure from it, you could say I'm quite lazy and the build up is what puts me off and makes me think I'd rather just spend the every minutes asleep 🙈 this makes me sound so selfish I know but I just can't change my mindset it's just who I've become from having the last 2 kids.

I desperately want to change but I feel a bit Mumsy and not sexy, he tells me all the time that that's not the case and he sees me no different to when we met.

My biggest worry is that he'll walk eventually, he's 8 years younger than me and in his late 20s, he shouldn't be with someone like me but I know he loves me and the children and that would be a last resort, when that happens god only knows but I know if o don't get my act together it'll be sooner rather than later 😞

Sorry I can't be any help and give you any advice op

Thanks for your honesty.

If he sat down with you one day and said that he was sorry but didn't want to or couldn't spend the rest of his one life feeling that way, would you let him go or see that as a catalyst for change?

I'm just trying to better understand the mindset of letting things continue as they are. Would you let your marriage fail?

I think that's the wrong way of looking at it.

We all have to take our partners as we find them. None of them (or us) are perfect. For you, the problem is that your DW just isn't all that into sex. It's just how she is, and I think you realise that she is not going to change, or in any event, you can't make her change and so it would be foolish for you to try.

All of our partners have something wrong with them. You say you have been married for quite some years, which indicates that your relationship is generally OK. You have a family. You have built a life together. You say you love her. You haven't said precisely why, but I'm sure you do, not least because of all your shared history and time spent with each other. These are things you should value, and I think it's a great mistake to become fixated on one problem and by doing so conclude that you would be happier without the relationship at all - let alone the unhappiness you would cause to your DW and children. I think this applies even sex. The exception I make is if the relationship is abusive, but you haven't said anything that indicates that it is.

It's OK to be in a marriage with ho-hum sex. It doesn't have to be soul-destroying. I think it's a downright, pernicious myth that a marriage can't be satisfying and fulfilling without earth-moving sex. You chose each other, you have a covenanted relationship, and I have no doubt you had very good reasons for this. The people having great sex are the lucky ones. There are plenty of others who can't or don't for all manner of good reasons, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Some people get to have lots of great sex throughout their lives. Others get none at all because they suffer from health problems or because they're just not very attractive. Rather than feel a sense of loss that you haven't ever had great sex, you could be thankful that at least you're getting it on a regular basis. Plenty of people don't. I know it's a cliche, but really don't think that it helps when all the amazing things one could be getting up to in bed (or elsewhere) are a click or two away on the Internet (I'm not specifically thinking of porn here). It's easy for me to think that all those people are having better lives than myself, but the truth is that they will all have problems of their own that I will know nothing about.

There is an attitude on here that if you're not happy in a relationship for whatever reason you have the right to leave, and sex is included in that. I don't agree. I think that if you have built a life with another person, and you treat each other with kindness and affection, and if you have children, you have a duty to yourself and to them, to be satisfied with what you've got, not least because you will all be happier that way. Would I judge a person who breaks up a family just for better sex? Dead right I would. I'd think that person had shot himself in the foot.

So in conclusion, if your marriage reasonably fulfills you in all other ways, and you're getting regular sex, then I would remind you that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, and that you'll be happier if you remind yourself that your first job is to love and support your DW for the person that she is.

If on the other hand, your marriage is unfulfilling, if your DW takes you completely for granted, doesn't cherish you, gives you little affection, and generally treats you like a comfortable old pair of slippers then I'd say the relationship and not the sex is really the issue.

Really good post - thanks for taking the time to reply and I agree with most, if not all of your points.

If I can respond to just a few that I feel do not reflect my position accurately...

I'm not having regular sex. I used to, which is what I signed up for. It was never earth shattering and I kind of accepted that as part of a full package and bigger picture which you describe very well. This has changed over the years and is now almost non-existent. Less than once a month if that, where my ideal would be multiple times a week. Some have a high sex drive, others not. I read plenty of threads on here by women who like, want and enjoy sex 3 and 4 times a week, sometimes more. I won't feel guilty or inappropriate for this.

Sex is very important to me, not just something that is nice but could be lived without. Like I said, it was acceptable in the early days, but now has diminished beneath a level I can cope with.

I absolutely agree that there is every chance that the grass would not be greener elsewhere and that the pain and suffering I and my wife/children would endure should we split up may not be worth the gain of a more fulfilling relationship elsewhere, although not impossible. I do not want this for the record. Nor do I want to be in a passionless, effectively sexless marriage.

Just to be clear, the marriage is reasonably fulfilling in other ways, but we are NOT having regular sex, nor when we do is it satisfying.

My predicament is that it would seem I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, and to be frank, it sucks, as I feel the goal posts, for want of a better word that I signed up for have now moved beyond a point of acceptance. I think the term I read on here frequently is "deal breaker"?

To leave a marriage for better sex and give up so much, I'm in agreement with you would be foolish - I already chose a compromise position from the start - it was never great, but acceptable. But would accept status quo in a marriage with effectively no sex at all that had diminished significantly over the years, when this element is hugely important to you and you simply cannot pretend it's not and is making you very unhappy?

I accept that I would likely be just as, if not more miserable should I leave my marriage and family due to an issue / change that as far as I can see is no fault of my own - I'm not the one who has changed. Certainly when discussed, my wife lays no blame at my door, only mentioning that the pressure doesn't help, but that only came from the lack of sex in the first place so was not the proximate cause.

Like I say, I agree with most of your post, but needed to be clear that we are not having regular, nor satisfying sex.

This is a marriage. A partnership. It very much sounds like you have said/believe that unless you get exactly the sex you want then you will leave. Where do her wants come into this? Surely when you love each other and there are children, you both need to compromise. It sounds like she has been doing all the compromising so far. I would Start by discussing what is more important to you- quantity or quality. If it is quality getting away once a month to focus on this would take the pressure off at other times and give you something to focus on. In my opinion expecting her to be constantly desiring you is unrealistic and setting you both up to fail. Facing up to your own mortality is something most of us go through at some stage. Could it be worth talking to someone about your feelings and regrets before you go into full on self destruct mid life crisis mode?

If it came to that then I probably would try and find some way of changing, I wouldn't want to end things when I could at least try and make it work.

About a year ago (I can't remember why, or if I was on some type of contraception) but my sex drive went through the roof, I was thinking about/wanting sex all the time I told him to take advantage of it but he used to brush me off most of the time, then it went and now he's the one wanting it all the time, so it's like we're never the same at the same time if that makes sense?

So I know I'm not completely dead inside but my god I wish I could remember what it was that sparked that (I went through a stage of trying all different contraception because some wasn't agreeing with me) I'd love to feel that level of horniness again 🙈

Does your wife ever have these episodes or is it always just one level of sex drive?

Also once while we was having a weekend away we popped into Ann summers and I got a performance pill (like a viagra for women) that was mind blowing we went back to the hotel and had sex all day 🤭 maybe suggest something like that?

I've noticed aswell that if we're away for a weekend or just a night I'm a completely different person, I think just being away from home/kids make you feel not like a parent and just a couple again so you let go a bit, maybe suggest nights away?

You seem to be going round in circles

Your wife just has very little sex drive.

You can both try counselling or maybe sex therapy but if that doesnt work then call it a day.

It's not fair on either of you

Ah ok just read your post on the relationships board. Explains a lot

@elephantinthesnow

I know that I'll never have the quality and quantity that I'd ideally like, and never have. It was an acceptable compromise at the beginning that I was comfortable with. Now both has vanished. We have neither quality or quantity.

One a month is nowhere near enough. Once a week is not enough, nor is it for many - never has been for me, never will be for me. I'm exactly what it states on the tin.

As for my wife's wants and needs, she says she'd like to get her mojo back and wants to want sex, but doesn't want it. Nor does she want to spit up and can't imagine life without us as a family. She sees it's causing acute distress, but doesn't know what to do about it. She acknowledges that she is the one who has changed and says she feels awful for it.

@fluffythings

She has never had any episodes or fluctuations - her drive has steadily declined over the years and is now zero.

She has compromised up until recently, however this doesn't achieve anything, as the emotional connection and bond isn't there, it's just passionless and mechanical so doesn't help, hence we just give up after a few minutes when we realise that it's just pretend. it really hurts when your wife just isn't 'there' with you. Hence we agreed to only have sex if it's real, hence now not at all. So now I'm doing all the compromising.

Having to go away for a night in a hotel is not sustainable or realistic given our circumstance, plus when we discussed this whilst clutching at straws, we both agreed that having it planned and expected would just add to the pressure and kill any chance of it feeling natural.

@toughtips

This is the part that seems so unjust - either way involves hurt and pain through no fault of my own. Counselling might be the only way forward.

Would sex or relationship counselling be most appropriate?

If you're otherwise happy in your relationship but it's just the sex side that's lacking then sex therapy but youve both got to be on board for that to work.

Unless she would be happy with you taking on some sort of fwb situation but still staying with her. If she doesnt want sex with you then she may find this ok. But also might not.

I really feel for you and your partner. It can be hard when youve got mismatched sex drives. Particularly if she cant make herself reach orgasm.

If she struggles to let go herself and exlore her body then you'll never be able to get her there either.

Where is confusedDH's post on the Relationships board?

Thread has been deleted. About considering escorts for some kind of bucket list including anal

@elephantsinthesnow

Not me I'm afraid. Someone with a similar username?

Unless it was a very old thread written by someone else that I commented on?

I personally have no interests in using an escort and certainly not anal. Tried anal once, not for me.

@confusedDH

Thanks for the reply and I appreciate that my post may have come across a bit strident in some respects. I understand from your post above that you were having sex about 2 times a week but the frequency dropped off because you stopped initiating (and your wife never initiated). I can well imagine that you probably no longer feel like initiating because your wife shows no reciprocal enthusiasm.

However, I have three points, and I will say at the outset that my view hasn't changed in light of what you've added.

First, you've still said nothing about your relationship generally. Does your wife generally cherish you or take you for granted? Is she nice to be around or is she an old grouch? Does she make you your favourite things or doesn't she ever? Does she give you well though-out presents or frighful ties and socks? Or is she somewhere in between? Because if it's the former, I second the advice given above that you consult a sex therapist. It would probably be well worth the money. If it's the latter, you should seek marriage guidance as the sex problems will be easier to resolve once the bigger issues are resolved.

Second, on the assumption that your relationship is generally fine, I would ask you what you would do if your DW was too ill to have sex. I hope no one would think that was a fair reason for leaving a relationship. While you haven't said you're too ill, it seems that your wife isn't that different a situation regarding sex as it sounds she's just not that into it.

Third (and you may wish to clarify my understanding here) your DW doesn't refuse sex. She doesn't flirt, doesn't seduce, doesn't engage in foreplay (and doesn't appear to know what she'd like) and basically just lies there. I'm assuming she's not into things like oral or whatever and won't do them. I suspect this is more common amongst women than is generally felt. Well, perhaps one solution is to make a virtue out of a necessity: if she's just going to lie there, dress her up in the scratchiest polyester lace, arrange her in the position you prefer and go at her 1950s style. Why should you care if she eye-rolls about it on Mumsnet? Satisfy yourself. You don't have to worry about satisfying her because she doesn't mind. Just worry about the friction burns. Sex doesn't have to be an enormous emotional experience for you both, and you can and should affirm and cherish each other in other ways.

@blokenamechangedsexbord

Thanks again for your input, I'll try and address your points.

1. Our relationship is very good. We're best friends and soul mates. We discuss our future hopes and dreams and very much see ourselves together. The things I want to do in this world, I want to experience with her and vice versa. We have never had a full blown row and only very seldom argue and even then, it's little more than a 5 minute bicker maybe once every few weeks, if that. She's quite an introvert and perhaps not the best communicator in the world and we can often sit in silence for long spells, but without any atmosphere. She's just one of life's very peaceful people, if not very exciting or fun, but I knew that at the start so no complaints.

2. If she was too ill to have sex, no problem, obviously. Illness (in general, but not always) comes and goes, so more often than not, there's an end game - you know that the situation is not permanent, and if it was, there might be the desire/enthusiasm to find a work round - so no, I would not consider it fair or reasonable to leave a relationship due to illness, nor would most decent folk I suspect.
   I would agree, she now appears to be no longer into it, where she once was, and was still (enough) when we got married.

3. She has refused sex plenty, but knowing I was miserable, said yes just enough to (in her mind) keep things ticking along. Whilst I understand the view of 'don't worry about her, just satisfy yourself' approach, sadly this doesn't work for me. Allow me to explain...

I trust it's fair to say that we (men and women) all have different things that turn us on, things that hits the spot or that flick our switches, and that these will be different from person to person?

It may (or may not) be fair to say that men can (but not always) be more visual and physical in this regard, where women (not always) may be more emotionally driven - how often do we hear that foreplay is so much more important to a women, and that to get them in the mood you need to start much earlier in the day etc?

I am probably more similar to a woman in my make up, in that the thing that turns me on, the thing that flicks my switch, the thing that gives me pleasure and excites me (remember we're all different and entitled to our own individual ways) is female sexuality and response.

Being with a woman who is horny, enthusiastic, responsive and aroused is what does it for me - always has, always will. Hence, this is why when she has tried to keep the peace by going through the motions, it does absolutely nothing for me as there's no emotional connection. More often than not I could be really going for it but deep in my heart and mind, I know she'd rather not be there and my heart and mind just sinks into sadness with no chance whatsoever for a happy ending for either of us. This usually results in me just stopping half way through as it's just not getting anywhere.

Maybe some men can be satisfied with 'any port in a storm' as maybe they're perfectly happy and stimulated to just be with a naked woman and the visual impact this has, but that's not how I'm wired up. I need it to be genuine and heart felt, to connect, to know that my partner is enjoying it, hat I'm giving them pleasure and that they want to be there with me, fully engaged - that's what turns me on and gives me satisfaction and fulfilment. Hence option 3 simply won't work for me, no more than it would for a woman who only gets off with oral but her husband decides he no longer likes giving oral - it's the one thing that turns her on and does it for her and has now been withdrawn.

One could argue that compromise is required, but how do you compromise with what turns you on - you can't force yourself to be turned on by things that you're not, no more than a gay person can force themselves to be straight - you are what you are.

You also can't compromise on your level of sex drive - it is what it is. Mine has always been high and never changed. Hers has diminished from enough, to zero and I grasp that she can't compromise either - she's tried and for the reasons above, it does't work for either of us.

I've been forced to compromise and I'm miserable. How miserable? I guess it's all relative, but it occupies my thoughts and makes me sad several times a day, especially when we are together at night or going to bed. I ache inside and cannot imagine feeling this way for the rest of my life. Not only the lack of physical sex, but the emotional level that goes with it. As per point 1, nor can I imagine a future without here.

Miserable either way.

Thats a long message with lots of feelings and emotions. Having read a few of your posts on other topics it seems to me you are stuck in a massive rut , dont take this the wrong way but it comes across that you are feeling sorry for yourself (no offence intended)

You say which ever way you turn will make you miserable but think where you want to be in 5 yrs ? still the same plodding along with your head down or with someone who has a more matched sex drive ?

On a previous thread you say you have no friends or hobbies maybe start changing that part of your life to get some other interests and meet new people i think we all need other things going on outside relationships . I think you need to make some hard choices otpherwise you will be beating yourself up for the rest of your life.

Your situation is faced by couples all over the world. Hence the high number of affairs. It does sound like you are trying to justify this to yourself?

Not trying to justify an affair at all. That's the last thing I'd do. In fact it's not the last thing at all, it's never thing.

I am absolutely 100% feeling sorry for myself, as I find myself in a position where I may, unless we find a solution, hence me seeking advice in hope of finding such a solution, have to make a choice of abandoning my wife and children in search of a more fulfilling relationship, which I know full well would bring me enormous sadness - my children and family unit mean so much to me, walking away would kill me.

Versus staying as I am and remaining miserable and unfulfilled.

This is my point, I don't see an avenue that doesn't involve deep unhappiness.

I'm trying to find an answer, a solution that could see us staying together and having a fulfilling sex life.

It looks as if that isn't going to be possible, so yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I could have all the friends and hobbies in the world - this will not change my sex drive, level of frustration or damaged self esteem/confidence from having a wife that doesn't want, fancy or need me physically.

I think my issue is that my family, children and all that entails is hugely important to me, as is a fulfilling sex life. If one of those was not so important, it'd would be far easier to fix. That both are hugely important makes the situation extremely difficult.

Hence I don't see a happy ending.

I'm trying to find an answer, a solution that could see us staying together and having a fulfilling sex life.

But nothing that you have said suggests YOU are willing to compromise. On any aspect. Do you ever consider the importance of what is fulfilling for your wife?

You wouldn't be walking away from your children ..I had a very similar life to yours 5 yrs ago, married with 2 children sex was very infrequent we even went 12 months without at my EXW doing. I accepted that because i didnt want to break up the family unit like you i felt unloved , undesired etc , many times we tried to sort it out had chats , fresh starts, Relate counselling etc but we just fell back into the same routine.
The decision was taken out of my hands when my now EXW had an affair with someone from work that was the end of our marriage , looking back now we was very sexually incompatible even from the start .

5 yrs on i still have joint custody of our children and we are all much happier apart than when we was a family unit ...life is for living . And to add i have met someone who makes me feel wanted and loved and so has my EXW.

@elephantinthesnow

Interesting. Could I ask you to expand on the compromise part some more please, as I see it differently.

My ideal is once a day, twice at a weekends. Sex to me is fun, free and enjoyable. Like eating rich and tasty food without the calories or health impacts - why wouldn't you etc, even if it's a snuggly cuddly spoon affair on a lazy Sunday morning, etc. I absolutely get that isn't the case for many, I do get that. One could argue that you would get fed up eating your favourite food every day - fine, mix it up a bit, ice cream one day, chocolate the next, pastry the next etc - fun and variety - well up for that!.

But knowing that isn't realistic for most, I accepted a compromise position from day one when we met and got married. 3 to 4 times a week was acceptable to me, even if that meant me initiating maybe 80% of the time, but still there was enough enthusiasm to keep things on an even keel. This was my compromise and one I made consciously and with a happy heart and mind.

Fast forward to now where there is effectively no sex, no enthusiasm and I feel unloved and unwanted, I struggle to see where I''m not compromising? I'm being forced to compromise, I have no choice.

Maybe that it's making me so unhappy means it's not a compromise at all. If this is the case, what would you advise?

Given my ideal, what I compromised with at the beginning and what I have now - what does a happy compromise look like, keeping in mind that pretend and going through the motions doesn't work, never has, never will and isn't a realistic option, because just like you can't turn someone straight, gay, you can't change what does and doesn't turn me on sexually, nor could you change what works for you.

I'm genuinely interested in what a compromise looks like where there is some frequent, enthusiastic sex where I feel loved, needed and wanted - a healthy, 'normal' sex life in other words? Surely not feeling loved, needed and wanted is not a sustainable compromise position?

As it stands, I see that she is not making any compromise and I struggle to see how she can without pretending, which we know doesn't work.

We're not having sex, I'm not mentioning it, there's no pressure or expectation. When I ask what makes her feel fulfilled, her responses do not include sex. She wants a happy, stable home with me and the children, doing things together and generally getting on with life. We have that now and she admits that she's quite content with the status quo, other than she knows I'm really not happy, which in turn makes her unhappy as she fears for the health of the marriage. She wants to want sex, she wants to feel horny and frisky, she just doesn't and doesn't know what to do about it and cannot pretend.

@averageguy1

Sorry to hear about the breakup of your marriage. What interests me is that your wife had an affair, which suggests she had an underlying libido and thirst for sex and passion. My wife doesn't.

We're all different, but not being there to put my kids to bed or see them in the morning, or help them with their homework and just generally being with them would kill me. My own internal compass won't let me do that.

Let's be clear here.... I'm not stupid - on the surface it would be easy to say do without sex or do without your family unit, and if one of those options was easy or even possible for me, I'd do it and would't need to seek the help and guidance - I'm bright enough to work that out for myself.

That both elements are too precious to me to lose, has seen me try to find a solution that doesn't involve giving either up - this is what I need help with, rather than how I might cope without my kids.

If everyone is saying "tough luck pal your solution doesn't exist", then fine, I'll not darken this board again and go away and try to figure something out.

If a potential solution does exist which involves keeping my family unit and enjoying a healthy sex life with my wife, I'm all ears.

Is it really that outlandish to want both?