Frustrated guy here

[user1496529599]

Hi, hoping an outside view will help me out here.

Our sex life is pretty poor and I would dearly love to get it on track. Before kids we were never really wild, but we had plenty of fun. We have 3, oldest 7 and youngest 2. So absolutely she is tired. OH is a SAHM, 2 are at school now and youngest it at home with her all but 2 afternoons so she has plenty going on. She has very houseproud so cleaning takes a while as it’s always thorough. She is the primary organiser of the family, making sure the kids have what they need for school and that planning holidays, Christmas, birthdays etc so I totally understand she has a lot on her plate.

Over the last 5 years sex has dwindled to about 3 or 4 times a year. Nothing yet in 2018. I have a higher drive than her, I masturbate everyday for the release, i would like to cut it down as it’s probably not helping. I sat her down and discussed how I am struggling about 24 months ago, and then again about 10 months ago to say I miss the intimacy and going so long is hard.

Both times we have talked she said it’s stress of running the house and tiredness. Both fair points. We have been getting good sleep most nights for about 6 months now as kids are all sleeping well. I think I do my bit, I get up at 6 when the kids get up, feed them breakfast etc before i go to work at 7:30. Work is very difficult and stressful and I am pushing my limits as I got promoted to a job I am not experienced in so working hard to be at the right level. Unfortunately, OH sees this as a break from the kids each day, pretty much a holiday. I get home about 6pm and if I’m exhausted ‘I haven’t had the kids all day so have no reason to be tired’ and need to man up. She cooks dinner, I do the dishes, I put the kids to bed and I tidy up the kids toys at the end of the day. Aside from sorting out bills and accounts etc my only other job is ironing. Which i do over one or evenings a week. She carries a huge mental load running the house, but I carry the same thing at work in the day and it can be hard to switch that off and make room to remember all the family stuff. I have to be reminded things quite a bit. She wants me to do more to help out which I want to do but I’m knackered. Plus she does nothing in the evening apart from phone stuff... probably 50/50 between looking things up for the family and Facebook etc.

I think she is a fabulous mum, and I want to help more but I don’t feel like I’m a total slacker.

So, tiredness and stress are what are identified as the problems, but surely these can’t be the problem every night of every week... we kiss and cuddle everyday and are very close but she doesn’t initiate anything and half the time I feel nervous making a move these days.

When she accepts we could be doing it a lot more, I don’t think she even thinks about sex. If I never mentioned it or came on to her I think we wouldn’t have sex ever again. When we do ever have sex it feels like she is doing me a favor.

Although she happily points out who she thinks is fit on telly lol that doesn’t help lol. I feel stuck, after talking I’m trying but struggling to address what she identified as the reasons.

Can anyone shed a female view of what i can do to help her more or has anyone had a similar thing and gotten past it? I’m only 32, she is 34. 5 years of minimal sex and dreading the thought of that being the norm from now on. Extra points, she is definitely not cheating, she does not masturbate, not in any contraceptives as I had the snip after no 3. I don’t know how she goes so long on nothing !

Could you afford a cleaner and a babysitter? First one to lighten your wife's load and second one so that you can get some time alone together to reconnect.

I think sex gets put on the back burner for a lot of women, especially after 3 kids and the youngest being 2. Let her know you find her sexy, attractive and want her. Help around the house, take the kids out, but importantly find time just for you and her to reconnect.

God she sounds like hard work .
I think by showing no interest in you but pointing out fit men on telly she is being cruel .if this was a woman saying this we'd be telling her to leave if sex was a deal breaker .
I would tell her how seriously I feel about this and ask her what she thinks possible solutions are since pshe is the one who doesn't want sex . Ask her . Does she want more help ? Counselling ? More time with you to reconnect ? What does she suggest / want / see as a way forward ?

Thanks for the response. Not having sex plays on mind mind and is pretty depressing. I would regret giving it up. But I can’t say it’s an absolute deal breaker as there is so much more to the relationship than that. And everything else is great, i feel connected and in sync with her in every other way. Communication is absolutely the way forward, I guess the point of this post is to position things in a reasonable way in my head with some possible solutions before approaching the subject. If it goes like last time, i.e I say it is important to me, she says ok well I’m too tired so you need to help more. Then we come round in circles again because I’m already struggling with all the plates I’m spinning at the moment. 12 months later we will be in exactly the same place again. If we had the money for a cleaner I would absolutely get one in to lighten her load. I imagine doing all the things she wants me to do on top of what i do now and she will be chilled out and I will be the one too tired to do anything.

It is so easy to get drawn into being a wife and a mother.

Firstly take your wife on a date make sure she dresses up goes to the hair dresses gets her nails done or whatever takes her fancy and take her to a movie or for a meal. When you fell in love what did you do then you need to remind her.

Does your wife have any friends it's so easy to loose them with three kids does she have nights out.

You state you have a job and I have no doubt you work as hard a she does but you have an identity out of your home does your wife ??

I'm not sure I have any advice, but I was in your Wife's position for many years. I was working part time, running the house almost entirely (DH did no where near as much as you do). I was just knackered, had about an hour's down time a day, and the thought of spending that precious time having sex.....it just felt like another job.

I was very aware how much it hurt DH, so in the end we worked out the time I was least tired, and pretty much diarised it. DH worked his meetings around it.

It sort of worked. DH felt happier, I felt less guilty, and I usually enjoyed it.

A very few years later, everything has flipped. I am more in control, DC's are older. I'm very much up for it, and DH has "gone off" sex for various reasons. I'm frustrated as hell!

she is definitely not cheating, she does not masturbate

I think you’d know if she was cheating, so you’re probably right with this point. How on earth would you know for sure that she doesn’t masturbate? You’ve already said you go to work, so you’re not with her for 24 hours a day. She could very well be masturbating, especially if she’s pointing out men that she thinks are ‘fit’.

Thanks, yes neither of us have much of an identity outside the house which probably doesn’t help keep the spark alive. I have a couple of fiends I see every few weeks and I encourage her to get a hobby and go out as much as possible. I do believe having a life outside the house is important and try to make sure she gets her own down time.

I know she doesn’t masturbate because I asked her. She has always said she doesn’t in the past. When we last spoke about the state of affairs I said I have to most days so I don’t go mad. I said surely she must do the same every so often to get a release!? She said she she doesn’t, which I was quite surprised at but she has no reason to lie.

TBH this sounds like she doesn't really take it/want to take it seriously as an issue, which is pretty poor considering you have been brave and talked about it more than once.

I always wonder what contraception people are on as some versions of the pill simply switched me off at the neck and i couldn't even imagine what it would be like to feel aroused. However, i was able to appreciate that it was an issue in a detached way. We changed contraception which eventually improved things.

i used to be an advocate of 'do it until you feel like it' but i do now think that having shit unaroused sex is a quick route to believing you never want to do it again. Shutting you out for the internet is too common. i would just say, keep talking about it. would she be up for you at least having an early night and a mutual masturbation session in bed together? at least it would be fun and remind her its's nice to play? she might surprise herself.

but she has no reason to lie

She absolutely does though. If she admitted to masturbating, it could then make you feel rejected and give you a reason to complain. With the best will in the world, I don’t think you understand women at all.

I see what you are saying, I believed her when she said it. But, I really hope she does! Otherwise that’s a looong time to go without.

I really hope she does

Tell her that! It could be a massive relief for her, and maybe the start of the closeness that you crave. I really hope you can sort it out.

And thanks annandale. No contraception, not for 2 years. Mutual meaning you do it together next to each other? Or you do it to each other?

If next to each other I think she would be weirded out by that. Given that she tells me she doesn’t do it to herself. If that’s true I imagine she would rather I do if for her.

If you mean do it to each other that would probably be harder to discuss than doing the deed after so long with nothing. She doesn’t do me any foreplay so to suggest that to ease back in would be too much. I think. Really appreceate the suggestion though.

Thanks Mimsy

Hmm. Yes I see that might be a bit over the top.

I think starting to see each other as sexual people again is important. I am starting from the viewpoint that it is simply not OK to withdraw sex from a marriage unilaterally. Of course there are sometimes reasons why sex isn't possible, or a particular type of sex isn't possible. Somehow I also reconcile this with believing it's everyone's absolute right to have autonomy over their own body.

I remember someone on MN a few years ago who was struggling with lack of desire posting about a conversation with her DP when he asked her if she ever felt horny, and she had to say no. But she must have done at some time. Maybe that's the conversation to have - about her desire and does she ever feel even the flicker of warmth and interest in sex that surely she did once upon a time.

This is going to sound brutal, but here is my opinion (from another bloke):

Your wife doesn’t fancy you and the tiredness is just an excuse to not have sex. It sounds like you do more than your share to help out given that you work all day, and looking after a 2 year old and picking up another 2 kids from school is surely not THAT stressfull, is it?

I was in what ultimately turned into a sexless relationship, which ended about 10 years ago. My ex would male all sorts of excuses to not have sex - stress, tiredness, the house not being clean enough etc. - turns out she just no longer had sexual attraction for me. She eventually admitted that she’d been cheating, but it was actually a relief.

My recommendation is to try and make her fancy you again. Easier said than done, but I don’t think it’ll be achieved by doing extra chores whilst she messes around on social media.

Best of luck. Happy to provide more advice if you want.

Mate, as I read this post I thought to myself that I could have written it. A few changes here and there but more similarities. Watching with interest to see how this all goes.

looking after a 2 year old and picking up another 2 kids from school is surely not THAT stressfull, is it?
Yes. Yes it is.

Yes. Yes it is.

So stressful that you never want to have sex?

Joey7t8 thanks for the advice. I take on board your point. Common sense would say is some one isn’t have sex with their partner it’s because they don’t fancy them anymore. Tbh that’s the most obvious answer and the one I didn’t think of. so thanks.

To say she isn’t grafting is wrong though. I take the three kids out some weekends to give her time to get things done she didn’t get done in the week. I’m bloody shattered after an afternoon. I couldn’t do that every day on loop for years on end. No way pal. And I only go somewhere with 3 or 4 goals.. get there for x time, have dinner at, remember to change a nappy, get home by x time. Orchestrating the house and running the diaries and constant things to do that go with each kid is relentless, it’s constantly thinking about the next thing before you are even told you need to think about it. It’s not following a plan it’s creating the bloody plan and making sure everyone else if following it, whilst simultaneous creating the next lot of plans. She might not get hot under the collar at the idea of me any more but I guarantee she is at least as tired as I am, probably more.

But you may be right about attraction, and that is something I can influence by the way I approach my life.

She sounds like hard work. You may as well be flat mates.

Life’s too short, to put up with her crap

It think that you’re too busy making a martyr out of your that you can’t see how much you put into looking after the kids yourself, especially as you work full time as well.

Is there any risk that you might be doing all of those with a sub-conscious expectation of sex as a reward for your hard work? This would not be sexually attractive!

looking after a 2 year old and picking up another 2 kids from school is surely not THAT stressfull, is it?
It completely depends on the individual and their kids and circumstances, but for many women full on parenting doesn't fit well with feeling like a sexual being - particularly when a very little one is climbing all over you all day! Tbh Joey I thought you came across as unnecessarily judgemental of someone you've never met and haven't heard her side of the story.

I have a really high sex drive. So when mine went downhill with my ex it was a massive sign that something was wrong.

Honestly I tried so hard to the point we would have sex but not kiss or cuddle. Which was me not him. That made me feel hugely guilty.

It wasnt at all because I stopped fancying him one day. It was because our relationship wasn't working on a romantic level.

He was never overly difficult, he's an amazing dad, he's a good man in general. But between his little issues, my bigger one's and everything else, we just ended up different people.

I also think age has something to do with it. He is 30. I am 28.we were together 7 years. I think we both just changed towards our late twenties.

Kids etc have never effected me that way. I have three kids. I feel more attractive and sexually motivated now than I ever did, even with kids, Im diagnosed OCD so a bit more serious than being house proud, and even when I was starving myself and weighed 40kg. I would be struggling like fuck with this kind of constant rejection and in all honesty I'd leave her.

She sounds like a wonderful mum, but for whatever reason not such a wonderful wife, but there may be good reason why. However, I do think as per previous posts that maybe she doesn't fancy you any more but isn't prepared to disrupt family life and the upset it would cause the kids....and maybe hasn't even thought of it. What I would say (having seen it with a friend) is that gradually your relationship together will fail as a lack of intimacy in my book always eventually kills a relationship to the point that one party cannot live with it any more. Unfortunately when the other party finally realised, it is usually too late to rescue. I know my friend who had a lovely family life but didn't make the effort in the bedroom department rues the day and constantly wishes she had made more effort and kept what had previously been a lovely setup, house social life etc......

However, you can't make her realise...only she can and she clearly doesn't see a lack of sex as a threat to your marriage. More fool her but you can't force it..and no point either as you won't want sex with someone who doesn't want to or fancy you