Frustrated guy here

[user1496529599]

Hi, hoping an outside view will help me out here.

Our sex life is pretty poor and I would dearly love to get it on track. Before kids we were never really wild, but we had plenty of fun. We have 3, oldest 7 and youngest 2. So absolutely she is tired. OH is a SAHM, 2 are at school now and youngest it at home with her all but 2 afternoons so she has plenty going on. She has very houseproud so cleaning takes a while as it’s always thorough. She is the primary organiser of the family, making sure the kids have what they need for school and that planning holidays, Christmas, birthdays etc so I totally understand she has a lot on her plate.

Over the last 5 years sex has dwindled to about 3 or 4 times a year. Nothing yet in 2018. I have a higher drive than her, I masturbate everyday for the release, i would like to cut it down as it’s probably not helping. I sat her down and discussed how I am struggling about 24 months ago, and then again about 10 months ago to say I miss the intimacy and going so long is hard.

Both times we have talked she said it’s stress of running the house and tiredness. Both fair points. We have been getting good sleep most nights for about 6 months now as kids are all sleeping well. I think I do my bit, I get up at 6 when the kids get up, feed them breakfast etc before i go to work at 7:30. Work is very difficult and stressful and I am pushing my limits as I got promoted to a job I am not experienced in so working hard to be at the right level. Unfortunately, OH sees this as a break from the kids each day, pretty much a holiday. I get home about 6pm and if I’m exhausted ‘I haven’t had the kids all day so have no reason to be tired’ and need to man up. She cooks dinner, I do the dishes, I put the kids to bed and I tidy up the kids toys at the end of the day. Aside from sorting out bills and accounts etc my only other job is ironing. Which i do over one or evenings a week. She carries a huge mental load running the house, but I carry the same thing at work in the day and it can be hard to switch that off and make room to remember all the family stuff. I have to be reminded things quite a bit. She wants me to do more to help out which I want to do but I’m knackered. Plus she does nothing in the evening apart from phone stuff... probably 50/50 between looking things up for the family and Facebook etc.

I think she is a fabulous mum, and I want to help more but I don’t feel like I’m a total slacker.

So, tiredness and stress are what are identified as the problems, but surely these can’t be the problem every night of every week... we kiss and cuddle everyday and are very close but she doesn’t initiate anything and half the time I feel nervous making a move these days.

When she accepts we could be doing it a lot more, I don’t think she even thinks about sex. If I never mentioned it or came on to her I think we wouldn’t have sex ever again. When we do ever have sex it feels like she is doing me a favor.

Although she happily points out who she thinks is fit on telly lol that doesn’t help lol. I feel stuck, after talking I’m trying but struggling to address what she identified as the reasons.

Can anyone shed a female view of what i can do to help her more or has anyone had a similar thing and gotten past it? I’m only 32, she is 34. 5 years of minimal sex and dreading the thought of that being the norm from now on. Extra points, she is definitely not cheating, she does not masturbate, not in any contraceptives as I had the snip after no 3. I don’t know how she goes so long on nothing !

Sorry to hear about your experience.
In situations like this I think it helps put things into perspective if you reverse the roles.
If you had lost your sex drive and your wife hadn't, infact it was driving her nuts and left her feeling rejected, would you ignore her plight or would you say once a week make a little time to give hand relief.
Neither man nor woman needs to be turned on to give hand relief it is just another form of massage and let's be honest if you prep yourself by reading a bit of erotica it will take her less than 5 minutes to give you the desired results.
Being sexually rejected by the one person in the world that you adore will destroy your confidence and self worth and will only get worse.
Google "dead bedrooms" to see other people's experiences of it.
It is far from a gendered problem btw.
Good luck.

Mine are teens now and I can honestly say I have not experienced any desire or interest in sex whatsoever since the birth of our first so your wife is not the Lone Ranger and I am sure there are many many others.

I assume it’s due to juggling too many balls, sometimes it’s just not possible to drop any in order to make the mental space for sex even if somehow the clock is miraculously organised to squeeze it in. That’s probably where your wife is at? As to how to change that, beats me, 15 years after the second and we still haven’t figured it out.

I don’t often say it but this is a ‘red pill’ scenario. You’re so denoted she no longer sees you as interesting, dangerous, powerful or whatever floats her boat. It is the tragedy played out by very many MN. You need to find yourself - your true and better self - or your DW will destroy you. She’s not your lover - and whatever you have done to contribute to that - you need to stop and find a path to male self improvement. Good luck OP - you have a lot of work to do.

*devoted

There was a recent post on here discussing how challenging motherhood is. One poster said that at the end of the day she just likes to sit in her bedroom and be alone. I really get this - being a SAHM is both isolating and suffocating. All consuming and then sex really falls off the radar.

If you don't see yourself as a sexual person any longer then it is probably impossible.

Also, what are your contraception arrangements like? If I'm honest my DH and I are petrified of having a third! 😬 This has had an impact for us.

Yeah, don't take the advice Dadaist gave, red pill is shorthand for racist, homophobic, women hating idiot.
Also, you said your wife finds running the home and family life tiring, she's probably bored doing nothing but housework and childcare, that's why she doesn't want sex. She resents that you get to go to work and be an adult, while she is stuck at home being nothing but mum, day in day out.

Hi Op. You sound like a great bloke, a good Dad and husband. Sadly your wife doesn't fancy you anymore. I laughed when I read the message about her learning to drive and maybe get a p/t job! When she is already complaining about how much she does! FFS man, wise up. She doesn't want you that way and likely never will again.
Face facts, can you live your life without sex? And I don't mean 'duty' sex. In my experience, it only works if both of you are pulling in the same direction. Sex is important. If she doesn't fancy sex then there are other ways she can pleasure you. What does it take, 5 mins! Lol.

Stress can annihilate sex drive, especially and specifically in women. Endorphins promote sex drive and also lower stress level - double whammy. Exercise increases endorphin release, and moderate amounts of exercise increase energy levels.

I think you can see where I'm going?

Your needing to be reminded of things constantly is a likely sign of stress. Stress is a accumulated state, not an on/off button, which is probably why she isn't "horny on a good day". Her telling you to man up is deeply unhelpful though. You sound way more "manned up" than a lot of men already & sound like you are suffering stress side effects from the pressure, complete with stereotypical daily low quality relief wank.

Every study done into working hours indicates diminishing returns of output from each extra one worked. Leave the office bang on time 3 days in 5. Put effort into organising your workload smarter. Inordinate amounts of time are wasted on email. Organise your inbox by subject and flags & timebox your time spent on mails. Always have a to do list. Take a brisk 15 minute walk at lunch.

I work with a guy who has a top MBA, he's ruthless with his time. In at 8.30, out at 5. 30 minute lunch. Cuts meetings down that are low value - he gets more done than 90% of the people working 10 hours a week longer.

Summers here, give or take - family walks in the park are free exercise and away from the phone she is using that blocks conversation and emotional intimacy.

It probably feels like you're trying to hop up the down escalator, but small incremental changes in lifestyle can work.

Lastly - outside the box... If she feels work is relief from the grind of childcare, have you discussed her getting a part time job and paying for some nursery time for the youngest? It might be almost pointless financially, but if it actually makes her feel more human and less stresseed, so what?

Is there any chance you might be able to ask grandparents to take the kids for a few nights during the summer hols, book a nice hotel with meals and spend some lovely time together? We've managed this and look forward to it every year! ps we do have sex in between the annual getaway! 😃

This has been an interesting thread to read.

Like your OH I definitely have a lower sex drive than my DH and that was true even before we had children. It was definitely linked with tiredness and for me sex was not a physical experience as much as an emotional one so I have never masturbated and don’t get the need for release like you talk about.

Since having kids (5 and 3) our sex has got better and that’s because we talk about it more openly and understand each other better. I also felt more confident in my body during pregnancy and had a higher sex drive so it was good then. We might not have loads (maybe once/twice a week average depending on how busy or tired we are) but it’s good.

I have to say that the poster who says she just doesn’t fancy you is very possibly wrong. I can’t speak for your OH but speaking for myself, sexual desire is all about feeling confident and sexual myself, feeling desired by my DH which makes me feel attractive and also just about thinking about sex. It might sound weird to you but much of the time it just isn’t in my mind at all, my mind is too full of other stuff. I say this to encourage you that it isn’t a personal rejection even though it might feel like it. I adore my DH and I do fancy him but I don’t fantasise about his body and if he put on a few pounds it wouldn’t make much difference. The poster who aaid about stress annihilating sex drive is right. It IS about her, not you.

Because of the world we live in where everyone sees people on tv and movies having loads of sex all the time, if you don’t have much sex drive you can feel like you’re abnormal and I know I have felt defensive and embarrassed about that. It might be that when your OH points out people on tv she finds attractive she’s just confirming that she is still a sexual person even if she doesn’t act like one in bed. If this has hurt you, you can say that to her.

My advice would be to talk to her as openly as you possibly can, and in a way that doesn’t make it sound like she is the problem. This isn’t anyone’s fault, it’s just a thing. People are different. You are both busy and stretched, you still want sex, she doesn’t. There are no easy answers but at least if you both understand each other’s viewpoints you can start to move forward to a happier compromise than 3-4 times per year. Do you tell her you fancy her and think about her during the day? Do you spend time together in the evenings watching a movie or relaxing together? A weekend away would be a great idea as others suggested. Ask her what she would suggest. Have a look online. There will be loads of advice and support for people in more sexless relationships than you!

You sound like you have a really strong relationship in other ways and you sound like a lovely husband. I hope things get a little easier!

Is anyone still reading this thread? Would like some advice if so...

She is being a mother, but not wanting to be a wife. Sex is not the be all and end all, however it is an important component of a healthy loving relationship. Being off sex for various reasons is fully understandable and normal. Not wanting to do anything about it out of respect for your relationship is certainly not OK.

Read this with interest - I was like OP’s wife (off sex) but was the breadwinner. He was sahd and did none of the housework; shopping; childcare (while I was at home). We split up 2 years ago (probably several years later than we should). The thing to me that sounded like a ‘saver’ is the fact OP and his wife kissed and cuddled every night - I found that far more intimate than sex and it was long gone from my relationship, much sooner than the ‘duty/guilt’ sex

OP, you sound like a really nice bloke.

First, Don’t give up on the situation.
My DH and I went through droughts until our youngest was 3 or 4.

The sexual side of her is absolutely still there. I thought it had gone but what brought it back was going to work and feeling appealing again as an adult. What drove it through the roof was flirting (but not going further) with men at work. I know that was wrong but it DEFINITELY rejuvenated my supposedly nonexistent sex drive. It is THERE.

I brought the sexual energy back home and we have gone from once every few months to several times a week after nearly 20 years together.

It does help that I find my DH fanciable but if he went to the gym I would not be able to take my hands off him so that would help even more.

So: you need to be appealing and more importantly she needs to fall in love with herself again. Don’t let this drag on though as you are both putting yourselves at risk of

Also are you meeting all her needs of affection and conversation? And not just a few minutes chatting and cuddling a day it takes hours!! If you meet those needs she will feel more like having sex with you. I speak from personal experience

NOTHING is more important than your marriage and Sex is a very very important part of it. Prioritise both your lives around it. Time wise and energy wise. You need babysitters school family friends neighbours, all the help you can get to have quality time ALONE.

Read up Marriage Builders.

Good luck xxx

Sorry unfinished sentence :
“at risk of an affair “

When I say prioritise your lives around it I mean your marriage not just sex :-)

I think that when You haven't done it for a long while-because the kids are little etc etc, it becomes quite hard to envisage yourself starting to have sex again-it's almost-embarrassing in a way (?) to restart the intimacy and it seems like too much effort.

The more sex you have the more you want but the same is true in reverse for some people. I was in this Situation with my exh when our kids were little. (Although to be truthful I also didn't really fancy him that much). It became a sort of mental block and we had become like flat mates almost-so it felt awkward to have sex with him after a while.
We did get it back for a bit but I had to really make a conscious effort to do it with him at first. And it took me a while to realise that it was important for our marriage that I did.

I'm not sure your wife is seeing that op or how you get her to-because any conversation about it also runs the risk of making your wife feel nagged (or did in my case anyway) and then defensive so even less likely to want to do it.

Neither man nor woman needs to be turned on to give hand relief it is just another form of massage

This sort of nonsense is clearly written by someone who’s never experienced a complete loss of libido. There’s no way I could do this when my hormones are screwed up and it’s completely gone.

I’d definitely get her to see a doctor in case there’s an underlying medical issue (thyroid problem, vitamin deficiencies, hormonal imbalance etc) but it’s axtually very difficult to get medical support in this situation as loss of female libido is considered totally normal.

Beyond that, she’s told you why she’s struggling - she’s debilitated by the mental load and when fatigue like that hits you, sex drive often vanishes. If shes constantly having to remind you of things you need to do, she may feel resentful. I don’t think it’s possible to understand how soul destroying being a SAHP can be at times, especially if you’re used to having a career and being valued for your brain.

OP I really hope that you manage to find a way forward with your wife.

Like previous posters have said it sounds like she has maybe lost herself in amongst the mental load and being in the ‘mummy’ role all the time. It can be hard to switch off from that and she will need your help and guidance and patience to step out of the fog.

Me and DH have been in this situation (2 kids here) and after a few arguments over sex I realised I had forgotten to be ‘me’ and had become too focused on being a mum that I had not only neglected myself but my husband too.

In literally the last 3 or 4 days I have broken out of this ‘mummy fog’ that I have been in and that has required an active effort on my part: using my phone less; more intimacy - kissing cuddling etc; trying not to give a shit about the mental load so much; stop being selfish and willing to share the perceived ‘my time’ that I felt I was due in the evening; and just having sex. It’s not something I usually do but I sent a text to my husband this morning saying that sex would be on the cards at some point tonight. He was delighted with this and actually I enjoyed sending it. I’m learning to reawaken that sexual part of me and maybe your wife needs to do something that works for her to reawaken.

I feel a bit sick now realising how similar my husband must’ve been feeling to you whilst I was in my own little bubble.

I love my children so much but if I am being completely honest they have done nothing to help with our sex life! But I know they won’t be so draining and dependent as they get older so we will just have to push through until then.

I should’ve also said that having kids seemed to bring out all my anxieties which is a major libido killer too so perhaps there’s an element of that that’s coming through with all the cleaning?

Communication will be key too. Good luck OP!

I’ve posted about this subject in other threads previously, as I’ve been in a sexless marriage for over 20 years, and with a difference in drive between my wife and I for several years before that. During all that time we had the pressures and stress of young children, some health problems on both sides, but even before we had kids the imbalance became a problem. I was frustrated, my wife was distressed and unable to explain her loss of libido. At times I suspected she might have been having an affair, or that she just didn’t love me any longer and at one stage she asked for a divorce because things just weren’t going well between us. But we worked through that and are still together after over 40 years, and I’ve accepted that our sex life is over and I stopped trying to push the issue as it only caused distress for both of us. I’ve never been tempted to have an affair, and even if I had, I doubt that I’d do it, as I feel very strongly that this be morally wrong.

It was only a couple of years ago that by chance I heard a radio programme about hypoactive sexual desire disorder, something that I’d never heard of before. The more I learned about it, the more I thought that it described the situation we were in. It doesn’t solve the problem, but it may explain why we’re in it when my wife says that she still loves me, but has no sexual desire at all. It’s possible that we could investigate to see if this really is the problem and seek treatment for it, but with her more recent health problems I don’t want to cause more distress, and I don’t think lack of libido is something she wants to deal with now anyway. But for younger couples with one partner experiencing a loss of drive, it might be worth investigating.

Gosh you sound like a great husband and I dont think she is being fair at all!
I've been the house wife at home and run the organising/cleaning etc and now I work and he doesnt and I end up running the home too as he is not very great at it... I still want sex! I havent had it in 3 months and its doing my head in as last time it was as you said like a chore (for him)! Also yes saying about people on tv looking good when they cant even pay us any intimacy is bang out.

Sigh. Hope we both get it soon lol.

People have recommended Athol Kay - avoid at all costs - vile misogynistic clap trap that will have you demanding paternity tests and spying on your wife.

My advice be her friend, her confident, take an interest in things she is interested in. Resentment is often a reason women don’t want sex with their husbands.

For what it's worth I'm reassured by the fact that you cuddle and snuggle sometimes. I like it when my husband texts me during the day as it shows me he is thinking of me. Sometimes he surprises me by buying my favourite chocolate bar or danish pastry. It's nice to be thought of in little ways. Do you compliment her? I'm an old fashioned girl. Do you tell her you love her? Sadly my DH doesn't say this and hardly ever has. I am assured by him that he does love me he just grew up never saying anything 'soppy' so he gets embarrassed by saying it. I have to accept that. Maybe a few texts to say you're thinking about her and hope she's having time to have a coffee or something like that. Can you arrange to do something she always enjoyed doing? Cinema night? Theatre trip? It's so easy these days to get sucked into netflix, youtube, firesticks etc to watch a movie that people don't make the effort to go out. I like being out with my DH. It reminds me that he is a nice-looking guy and that I'm in a good situation. Marriage does take work and I'm currently trying to make more effort in my own. Can you have someone look after the children and go for drive to a nice pub/Harvester/Indian/Italian restaurant and have a couple of hours just you two to talk?

I’m no expert but I’ll try and advise if I can hun