Frustrated guy here

[user1496529599]

Hi, hoping an outside view will help me out here.

Our sex life is pretty poor and I would dearly love to get it on track. Before kids we were never really wild, but we had plenty of fun. We have 3, oldest 7 and youngest 2. So absolutely she is tired. OH is a SAHM, 2 are at school now and youngest it at home with her all but 2 afternoons so she has plenty going on. She has very houseproud so cleaning takes a while as it’s always thorough. She is the primary organiser of the family, making sure the kids have what they need for school and that planning holidays, Christmas, birthdays etc so I totally understand she has a lot on her plate.

Over the last 5 years sex has dwindled to about 3 or 4 times a year. Nothing yet in 2018. I have a higher drive than her, I masturbate everyday for the release, i would like to cut it down as it’s probably not helping. I sat her down and discussed how I am struggling about 24 months ago, and then again about 10 months ago to say I miss the intimacy and going so long is hard.

Both times we have talked she said it’s stress of running the house and tiredness. Both fair points. We have been getting good sleep most nights for about 6 months now as kids are all sleeping well. I think I do my bit, I get up at 6 when the kids get up, feed them breakfast etc before i go to work at 7:30. Work is very difficult and stressful and I am pushing my limits as I got promoted to a job I am not experienced in so working hard to be at the right level. Unfortunately, OH sees this as a break from the kids each day, pretty much a holiday. I get home about 6pm and if I’m exhausted ‘I haven’t had the kids all day so have no reason to be tired’ and need to man up. She cooks dinner, I do the dishes, I put the kids to bed and I tidy up the kids toys at the end of the day. Aside from sorting out bills and accounts etc my only other job is ironing. Which i do over one or evenings a week. She carries a huge mental load running the house, but I carry the same thing at work in the day and it can be hard to switch that off and make room to remember all the family stuff. I have to be reminded things quite a bit. She wants me to do more to help out which I want to do but I’m knackered. Plus she does nothing in the evening apart from phone stuff... probably 50/50 between looking things up for the family and Facebook etc.

I think she is a fabulous mum, and I want to help more but I don’t feel like I’m a total slacker.

So, tiredness and stress are what are identified as the problems, but surely these can’t be the problem every night of every week... we kiss and cuddle everyday and are very close but she doesn’t initiate anything and half the time I feel nervous making a move these days.

When she accepts we could be doing it a lot more, I don’t think she even thinks about sex. If I never mentioned it or came on to her I think we wouldn’t have sex ever again. When we do ever have sex it feels like she is doing me a favor.

Although she happily points out who she thinks is fit on telly lol that doesn’t help lol. I feel stuck, after talking I’m trying but struggling to address what she identified as the reasons.

Can anyone shed a female view of what i can do to help her more or has anyone had a similar thing and gotten past it? I’m only 32, she is 34. 5 years of minimal sex and dreading the thought of that being the norm from now on. Extra points, she is definitely not cheating, she does not masturbate, not in any contraceptives as I had the snip after no 3. I don’t know how she goes so long on nothing !

She's being selfish tell her

Parenting is tough , work is tough , life is tough .
Small pleasures sex is one of them .
If you don't have sex you don't have a relationship . Tell her . Cuddles yes intimacy yes ! But she needs to.meet half way ... She needs to realise it's ( sex) important . Drink wine , massage whatever
But if she doesent sort this your relationship.is a ticking time bomb .
Tell her !Goodluck

Quite simply it is all about effort. Or a lack thereof.

Sex is as important in a relationship as anything else. We work, we clean, we parent, we support each other emotionally, we help each other to make each others lives easier/better. And yet, when it comes to sex, we hear "I'm too tired" as if sex has to come at the bottom of the agenda in a long term relationship.

I am 47, I have kids of 4 and 2, I work in a high pressure job in the City. I clean my house, I do washing and ironing, I play with my kids, I cook and do the washing up (I don't ever use the dishwasher). Am I tired? Sometimes. And I too tired for sex? Never.

Being tired is a weak excuse. We all go to work and do all the 'essentials' I mentioned above when tired. But then we hear "Too tired" for sex. So sex is not an essential then?

If a woman started dating a guy and he only wanted to have sex 3 times a year, she would not be with him - and that is a fact. She would dump him and say to her friends "He was weird, he never wanted to touch me, he made me feel awful about myself..." and she would be told by her friends "You don't need a man like that in your life..."

Reading problem pages for 30 years (it is a guilty pleasure), it is an age old problem where women seem to start off highly sexed and always end up never wanting sex. And I have since questioned what was the common denominator. And the common denominator was men.

When men meet women, they are charming, they are kind, the send flowers, they flirt, they invest time, they do all the things the woman wants to do - including watching shit films like Mama Mia. Why? Because this is what makes a woman happy and you want her to love you. And when a woman loves you, she absolutely wants to have sex with you. This is why we have 'the honeymoon period'. Now, the cynics among us will say that the honeymoon period never lasts and, in most cases, it doesn't. But why doesn't it?

Because one, or other, stops doing all the things they once did. And, sadly, it is mainly men who stop doing the things they once did.

Back at the start of the relationship, if your new girlfriend wanted a massage for an hour with candles and oils, even if your favourite team was playing on TV, you would have done it. Why? Because you knew that it would result in some fairly explosive sex. Roll on a few years and your partner asks you for a massage when your favourite team is playing? It absolutely isn't happening is it? And guess what? The explosive sex isn't happening either.

I could go on all day and as much as people say "Women are complex creatures", they really aren't. Men seem to understand women well enough when they first meet them because they seem to know all the things to do that make women feel special and women feeling special means women feeling sexy and sexy women want to go to bed with them.

So, in essence, if X,Y and Z made your woman want to have sex with you at the start, all you need to do is keep doing X,Y and Z. Stop doing X,Y and Z and she probably won't want sex anymore. Simple really.

You can't ever sit a woman down and say "Listen, I love you and think you are sexy but this lack of sex is killing me and we can't go on like this" and expect her to say "let's go to bed for anal then..." because that is never, ever going to happen (sadly).

If you want to get things back on track you need to do the things you used to do that got her to want to sleep with you in the first place. Date nights are great but again, you can't go on a date night and then say "We don't have sex enough" because that is a sure fire way for the night to be ruined. Just enjoy the night and start doing the things you used to do and you should see a change in her. Essentially, I think you need to make her fall 'in love' with you all over again. Massage her and expect nothing in return. Send her flowers "Just because...", organise babysitters to be able to take her out to the movies and surprise her with it.

If you can sit there and say that you are still the man she first met - and you must be 100% honest with yourself - but it is her that has changed, then perhaps the problem just lies with her.

One thing I notice is that you make an awful lot of excuses for your wife in your post - stop that at once. Unless you live in a f*cking mansion, running a house is not exactly hard. My wife works 4 days a week in a high pressure City job, keeps the house tidy, does the shopping for groceries, takes the kids out (they are having a picnic as we speak) and although she is tired, if we get into bed and I have a boner she says "Do you want me to sit on your face and take care of that?" It's about levels of effort and taking care of your partner.

It is not like your wife doesn't have the time to give you - she is spending time on Facebook for Christ's sake!

Look at it this way, if you offered your wife a 30 minute massage, I am sure that she would say yes. If she can find time to accept a 30 minute massage from you then she can surely find the time to get intimate with you for 10 minutes. If she would say yes to a massage and would say no to any intimacy because she is 'too tired' or 'too stressed' then there is a severe imbalance in effort in this relationship. And anyway, as a woman, how much energy does it take for her to lay back on a comfy bed and have a man make her climax by going down on her? None whatsoever. Excuses my man.

It's not about being too tired, she just doesn't feel horny. Now that is either because you aren't doing the right things to make her feel horny or because she just doesn't fancy you anymore. Sadly, it happens.

It's all too easy for people to say to leave but when you have children, that probably isn't something you want to consider. So what are your options? Accept a life of no sex? Or get back to doing all the things you used to do that made her horny in the first place. Ok, you may not get back to sex 5 nights a week but you might get it once. And I am sure that you would be far happier with that than none for 7 months. And I can assure you this - there is no way on earth that she doesn't think about sex or is happy about a life of no sex. She is as miserable as you are, trust me.

And she most certainly masturbates when you aren't around. if you are making yourself come in the bathroom every day, she probably is as well. There's a reason women take longer to shower/have a bath than men you know...

Good luck with it Sir. I am sure you can pull this round.

Cooper1070 - Great post and I agree with most of what you say.

However I'll disagree on the part where women only want sex in the beginning because men endlessly give.

What about the horny sex on the second date before the man has had time to even begin all the things you describe?

I put it down to familiarity and boredom.

I also agree about not fancying your partner - this is a biggie.

I'm utterly convinced my DP does't fancy me anymore. I go to the gym, have a good BMI, decent muscle tone and am very hygienic, but at the end of the day, I'm now a balding middle aged man and not the tall dark 20 something she met. I get it. But that absolutely goes both ways.

I don't subscribe to the fact that you have to run around and dote on a woman get her horny.

There are enough threads on here where the woman is in a similar position to the OP and tearing her hair out due to lack of sex - horny as hell - is her DP/DH in those circumstances acting like it's their first month together? I doubt it.

I often read these boards and think to myself "You should hook up with him, and he should hook up with her" then the could have blissful twice a day passionate sex until they die of old age.

Conversely, the 'happy with once a month / don't pressure me' brigade could engage in other past times / hobbies / activities without the big elephant in the room.

Sex is a massive issue and as I've said elsewhere, should be discussed openly and frankly as early on in a relationship as possible so these sorts of issues can be avoided.

If I were starting out again now, I'd lay my stall out on the table, expressing my wants and desires, asking for hers, and then deciding if there's a long term future together.

In the first instance, I'd ask the person what they feel their deal breaker minimum and maximum long term frequency of sex would be on a weekly or monthly basis, followed by a comfortable ideal and see if they match my own.

For example, more than twice a day would be too much for me. Less than 3 times a week would be too little. Ideal would be every day with occasional days without being perfectly fine, but with twice a day on occasion also being perfectly fine. I'm fully aware that this is on the high end of the scale, but hey, we're all different, right?

If I then met a woman and thought there was a potential long term relationship on the cards and she said that 3 times a week would be more than enough and as long as she had sex a couple of times a month she'd be happy, knowing what I know now about life and relationships, I'd respectfully part company and look elsewhere as I know I'd have a lifetime of frustrations, friction and possible resentment ahead.

I don't subscribe to the fact that you have to run around and dote on a woman get her horny

I don’t either. In fact a man that complies with his partner’s every request is likely to have the opposite effect.

You want a woman to want sex with you because you turn her on, whether that be when she sees you walking around in a towel or your underwear, or looking sharp in your dinner suit. The last thing you want (or should expect) is sex due to a sense of obligation because you’ve done something nice for her.

@Joey7t8

100%

You're either horny, fancy me and want to have sex with me, or you don't.

I accept that there many be underlying issues of resentment that impact sexual desire ebb and flow, linked to helping round the house, pulling your weight or all the other issues we discuss, but the concept that a man has to earn sex by doing good deeds - I'll decline that one thank you.

I'd honestly rather be single and frustrated than pander to that unhealthy dynamic.

If a woman honestly needs a long drawn out multi faceted session of foreplay with a task based check list of chores just to get in the mood to want sex with her husband, there's a libido issue.

My first girlfriend, even when we'd had a row still felt horny afterwards, despite resentment and we'd often have sex even when there was still an atmosphere - it actually helped to be fair, but it demonstrated an underlying level of libido and desire can exist without having to navigate a tight rope over a minefield to reach the promised land.

I am enjoying this one - good posts @Joey7t8 and @Familymanhusband

I'm not suggesting someone need run around endlessly giving. What I am saying is that if one starts out a certain way, that's what the other is buying into. And if the things the person bought into disappear then they find themselves disillusioned with their situation.

"The last thing you want (or should expect) is sex due to a sense of obligation because you’ve done something nice for her."

I was not suggesting that at all. But the man is, in many cases, the one who makes all the running is he not? I work in an office with an equal ration of men to women. I do not see a single gift turn up for any man other than myself. And yet the women often receive flowers/gifts from their partners. It's a man thing to do this more than a woman's thing. And women base their decisions to be with men more on this than the physical specimen.

I used to be a competitive bodybuilder so I had the body but I was also quite an outspoken dick at time (still am sometimes, can't lie) but my wife finds me more attractive now than she did then based on who I am as a person. And that is what I was trying to allude to in my original post.

I would be keen to see how this one plays out.

@Cooper1070

Interesting to hear about your body building - I never competed, but have thrown up into a bucket on leg day once or twice. Along with passing out after a 1RM deadlift. (200kg, strapless). Fun times.

I found your comment here very compelling....

"What I am saying is that if one starts out a certain way, that's what the other is buying into. And if the things the person bought into disappear then they find themselves disillusioned with their situation"

Yep, I can buy into that. But again, that goes both ways. Many men buy into a slim woman, who dresses nicely, wears make up and makes a real effort to appeal to her new partner.

Fast forward 20 years and the extra 3 stone, frumpy clothes, no make up and general disinterest in her appearance can also leave their partner 'disillusioned with their situation'.

Now we can then go into what's right, what's wrong, that appearance shouldn't matter, yadda yadda yadda - the theory is the same and goes both ways, irrespective of the accepted social protocols and gender stereotypes.

If someone who was once horny and interested is now no longer that way, find out what has changed and if possible try to fix it. If the other partner is not willing, a simple, but often traumatic and distressing decision needs to be made.

I'm not in that position (yet) although we absolutely have our challenges for a multitude of multi-faceted reasons, but ultimately, if I was faced with a situation of "This is how it's going to be forever, make your mind up" I'm confident I'd be able to make the decision - although would likely choose the moment tactically from a family stability perspective.

Words of wisdom from Jaiya (google her, but wear your no-irony goggles): no pats, no pecks. If you kiss, make it last 5 seconds. If you touch, make it a proper, intentional, enjoyable touch for the same 5 seconds. Makes THE MOST difference- my dc are older than yours but i still feel touched/needed out every day, and remembering this somehow tells the adult, womanly me that I am still alive and still important. It is very hard to combine "mum" with "sexy, grown-up woman" for some people.

I could well be your DW... have the courage to ask the difficult questions, but please make sure that you never, ever, ever do x, y or z just so that you get sexual attention. Sex is not a transaction, but i think you know that already.

@Familymanhusband

I feel your pain only too well...!

I agree that being disillusioned works both ways (Fast forward 20 years and the extra 3 stone, frumpy clothes, no make up and general disinterest in her appearance) but the issue is that the original poster's wife is the one not interested in this instance.

A couple of things he mentioned actually about her having to remind him of a lot and that she gets frustrated; I think she has had enough of the situation and blames him for it. That's just human nature sadly. Ask any person in a relationship that isn't working why it isn't working and I am fairly certain that the person lays the blame solely at their partner's door. I don't think I have ever heard anyone say "Why is my relationship failing? Well it's all my fault really because I am very lazy and can't be bothered anymore..."

Can I clear something up once and for all @doesthatmakesense ?

I never once indicated anyone should do X,Y and Z to get sexual attention. What I said was, people do X,Y and Z at the start of a relationship and is those actions that make someone fall for you in the first place. And X,Y and Z can mean anything at all. Every person reading these posts has wooed someone or been wooed, and that is what I allude to. So if a person has stopped doing those things and their partner has fallen out of love with them, maybe try to take things back to the start and maybe, just maybe, things can be rekindled.

This does come back to what I said in my original post though; effort or a lack thereof.

From where I sit, the wife is showing disinterest in her partner generally and blames him for feeling the way she does. Talking needs to happen and I go back to what I said at the start; the wife is every bit as miserable as the original poster so she will be looking to talk. The talk might mean taking steps to break up, it might mean taking steps to get things back on track but something has to give.

Unless you live in a fcking mansion, running a house is not exactly hard*

and although she is tired, if we get into bed and I have a boner she says "Do you want me to sit on your face and take care of that?" It's about levels of effort and taking care of your partner.

@Cooper1070
You've written lots here...but you haven't written one single sentence about how you take care of your partner. It might be one way in your house - her and the DC aged 4 & 2, and you and your 47 year old boner in the other corner...

Gender is no issue here - it's all about kindness to each other.

@Teabay

How I take care of my wife is kind of irrelevant isn't it? That's why I said X,Y and Z in the original and subsequent posts. X, Y and Z is different for everyone - what works for me and my wife may not be the same for others.

All relationships take work and I always make an effort. My wife also always makes an effort. And that's why it works. The OP appears to be in a situation where his wife doesn't make an effort in their relationship and the question is - why?

Hence why I said that the OP needs to have an honest chat with himself. Is he the same person his wife fell for in the first place? Does he do the same things he did at the start that made her fall for him in the first place?

Life is sometimes far simpler than people realise but so many seem to over-complicate things. If someone was once a size 8 because they ate a clean diet and did some exercise, it is foolish to sit there and wonder why you are now a size 14 knowing that you sit there eating junk and doing no exercise. No point complaining about it when the answers are right there in front of your face. We often have the answers to our problems right in front of our face but fail to take the action needed to change things for the better.

I wrote these following posts on facebook a couple of years back. Maybe it will help the OP, maybe it won't. I hope it does.

Relationships. We all sit and watch people in relationships. We sit and listen to people talk about their relationships, we watch their relationships on reality TV, we read about their relationships on social media; the highs, the lows and their relationship problems.

I see people, nice people, unhappy in their relationships that were once good. And that saddens me. Why do things change? Where did the fun and laughter go? Why did the sex dry up? How did it go from spoons on the sofa watching a DVD on a Sunday afternoon to sitting on separate chairs in silence, each resenting the other? When did ‘Life sometimes gets in the way’ begin? When did all the once insignificant little things start annoy you? The dirty undies left lying on the bathroom floor (never a problem for me but I digress...), the washing up left on the side, the toothpaste and shaving stubble left splashed on the sink.

Very rarely (in fact, never) will you ever hear someone say “My relationship sucks” and when asked why, they continue with “Because I stopped making an effort...” When a relationship goes downhill or changes for the worse, it is ALWAYS the other person’s fault isn’t it? But is it? Or is it yours?

When a couple meet and fall in love, there really is nothing better. We’ve all been there at one time or another and we never want that feeling to fade do we? But it often does. So the question is, why do we let it? And as you read that very line, if you are one of the ones who are unhappy, you will most likely already be saying in your head “It’s not my fault...!”

There is always a ‘Honeymoon Period’ at the beginning of a relationship. And the cynics who are unhappy in their lives see young love in front of them before commenting bitterly “Yeah, well you’re in the Honeymoon Period. That’ll all soon change – it never lasts!” Well why can’t the ‘Honeymoon Period’ last forever? I am 5 years into my relationship/marriage and I am sickeningly in love, happier than I have ever been. I absolutely believe the Honeymoon Period can last for 1 plus 1 always equals 2. It is just up to each individual to make sure they do their sums right.

Woman are quite wonderful but very complex and intricate creatures according to some. The reality is, they are quite simples creatures – they all want the same thing; to be made to feel the most beautiful, the most desired and the most important person in the world by their man. To get the best out of any woman, they need to be handled with care. And at the start of every relationship, men seen to grasp the concept of how to handle women with the extreme care and attention they desire and the results are quite marvellous; a funny, happy girl who is a joy to be around and a minx in the bedroom. Is this what they call the ‘Honeymoon Period’? Perhaps. Or is it just a case of simple maths? If you add X, the result is Y?

So why do things change? Quite simply, it is because people stop doing the things they once did. At the start of a relationship, if a girl asks for a massage, her new man is all over that in a heartbeat. Not just a token rub either – full works with oil, possibly even candles. The result? Well we all know what the result is. Fast forward 6 or 12 months and the same girl asks for the same massage and the same guy who has worked hard all day is like “Babe, I’m knackered...” and does not give the massage. We have all been there, right? And the result? Not quite the same as it was previously. And yet the guy is generally the one who will be saying “You’ve changed...” The reality is, if you don’t add X, Y no longer exists.

Now, I am not for one moment saying that all relationships break down because the guy stops doing something they once did, women are equally to blame sometimes, I am just using that as an example.

I do not want to be morbid in any way, but let us now imagine that the same couple are in the same relationship for the same length of time. The girl asks for a massage. The guy is tired because he has worked hard all day. The only difference now is that the girl has cancer and only has 6 months to live. Do you honestly think he would say “Babe, I’m knackered...”? No. He would be there in a heartbeat, giving her what she needs to keep her happy because he would be savouring every moment he has with her.

Last night, whilst massaging my wife, I was watching Love Actually. Liam Neeson was speaking at the funeral of his wife. He tried to be upbeat of course but the pain in his face was clear. The scene cuts to him picking up the coffin, eyes filled with tears, as he carried her out of the church. I looked at my wife before me and, just for that moment, I imagined that situation was us. The pain inside was unbearable and I fought back tears of my own for I honestly wonder if I could go on without her. Of course, we have two children so I would absolutely do so but half of me, the very best half, would be gone. And it is when you break things down to that level, you realise that things could be gone in an instant, that you should never, ever, take things for granted.

None of this is about me and my wife of course, I worked all this out when I first met her. Oh she’s volatile and feisty, she needs handling with care but my God she is the best fucking woman in the world by a million miles. Is she hard work sometimes? Yes! But isn’t anything worth having? You want to be rich, you have to work fucking hard and make sacrifices. You want to have big muscles and a 6 pack? Then you need to suffer in the gym and suffer on your diet and make sacrifices. You want to run the marathon? Then you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other for thousands of miles in training which has got be the least enjoyable thing ever but we do all these things because the result at the end of it makes us feel amazing.

I will finish by saying this; If you are in a relationship, happy or otherwise, I ask you to look at your partner for a second and see only the good. Don’t sweat the small stuff, fuck the dirty washing on the floor or the dishes on the side. Fuck being tired from work or the gym or because you only got 3 hours sleep the night before, because if you were only 3 months into a new relationship or your partner was terminally ill, you would be saying “Yeah, that can wait til tomorrow...” or “We can sleep when we’re dead...” and you would be savouring every moment you have together for life is far too short isn’t it? Treat every day like it is your first day together but also your last day together. Wake each day and make your partner feel like he/she is the most important person in the world and you will quickly find that he/she will do the same for you. Make your honeymoon period last a lifetime and remember, 1+1 is always 2...

And...

urther to my post on relationships (that was clearly loved by so many :) ) I had a further thought; do relationships often fail due to a lack of respect to the other?

I will try not to go on too long this time...

• Man/woman (Partner 1) treats Partner 2 like crap. Partner 2 says they are not happy in the relationship and says that if Partner 1 does not start behaving in a way that is more acceptable, Partner 2 is leaving. Now this may go on for an indeterminable amount of time because Partner 1 doesn't listen, nor change but in the end, Partner 2 packs their bags. Partner 1 then begs and cries and promises to change. Question is, why did it take Partner 2 leaving for Partner 1 to realise the error of their ways and offer to make a change?

• You work in a job and you feel you don't have the duties you want or the money you desire. You speak to your boss and ask for up-rated duties and more money. Boss says no on all fronts. So you go off and find another job that does give you the duties and the money you were after. When you go to hand in your notice, boss pleads with you to stay and offers you the up-rated duties and more money than you originally asked for. Question is, why did it get this far before the employee was given what they deserved by the employer?

• People in relationships argue - this is normal to a point, it is good to have an opinion and to stand firm on it. But some of the rows are furious and things are often said that should never be said. Some women suffer from PMT and say they 'Can't help being a bitch' when they lash out verbally and sometimes physically. Some men take steroids and/or get cranky on their diets and say hurtful things, shut people out, treat their family/partner and friends appallingly. People are stressed from the office or the kids and lash out verbally, sometimes physically citing "I couldn't help it." I cry total and utter bullshit on all of those points because virtually none of you would not speak to your boss in the way you speak to your partner would you? No. Why? Because you would lose your job. So you can hold it in when you have to, you just choose not to when it comes to your partner and that, to me, again shows a lack of respect.

Sadly a friend of a friend died tragically yesterday and such losses make people reflect on what is important to them. Whilst this is fine, why does it always take something bad happening to make people realise what is important/worth having? I saw another related post to the sad passing where someone wrote "When my wife was in hospital, it made me realise what is important" and whilst I champion the realisation, why did it take their wife being in hospital to realise what is important?

If you owned a Bugatti Veyron, you want to kill anyone for even breathing near it. You would polish it, love it, show it off to all and sundry, look after it every second of every day by keeping it in a climate controlled garage. You wouldn't need something bad to happen to make you realise that the car is your pride and joy would you? Of course not. So why is it any different when it comes to your family/kids/wife/husband etc?

For those of you who bother to read this, please think before you speak and act. Put your partner/kids/family/friends on a pedestal and always give them love and respect. Bite your tongue in those stressful times and remember that you can hold back if you really want to, for every action you make can have a lasting effect. Life is very, very short and it could be over in an instant so make every day count. Make sure you treat those who matter with the utmost love and respect at all times. Tell them you love them daily - and mean it. And remember, don't wait for something bad to happen before you realise...

Firstly I think it’s important to remember that it’s very normal to go off sex for a while after having children, we’ve only had contraception for a relatively short period, before that, going off sex was the only way to stop women from being constantly pregnant, which can be incredibly dangerous.

That aside though, I find men often wonder why women have gone off sex, but are putting none of the effort into the relationship that they did at the beginning - dates, compliments, respect, and most of all, interest in her as an actual human being. How often do you sit down and have a proper conversation with her that isn’t about the kids and house? How often do you flirt with her (that doesn’t mean grabbing her arse whilst she’s washing up!), how do you try to make her feel desired? How often do you try to make her laugh? How do you try to seduce her? If you give up on all of that stuff, then it’s no wonder that someone stops being excited by you.

Basically, you can’t sit on the sofa all night in silence, and then expect her to be keen for sex when you go to bed. Do you know how used that makes someone feel? I’m not saying that this is what you do of course, it’s just something I see a lot, so you may want to examine your behaviour and see if any of this fits.

@AngelsSins

EXACTLY what I have been trying to explain.

Doesn't it go both ways though?

Could you not put the same argument to a woman who was suffering a lack of sex from her partner? Is she still doing all the same things for him that she did at the beginning of the relationship.

I'm very much for equality in these matters, but often sense that it's the man that is the one having to do a lot of the chasing?

I suspect she's always had a very low libido, and has never really enjoyed sex much. Has she ever expressed unhappiness or sympathy with OP about her lack of libido? It doesn't sound like it. If I'm right she can't comprehend the frustration OP is feeling because she has never experienced anything like it herself.

But even so, she should be able to sympathize with him. But it seems she is somewhat narcissistic and finds it difficult empathizing with other people. "I get home about 6pm and if I’m exhausted ‘I haven’t had the kids all day so have no reason to be tired’ and need to man up." Jeez, in this case this sentiment is completely unjustified and she is just being unpleasant, to put if kindly.