can I ask how long you had known dh/dp

[NorfolkEnchantsToday]

Before you did anything sexual?

I'm curious.
I've met someone id quite like to be in a relationship with but now I've met him and dated him 3 times I'm not sure of the etiquette

i feel absolutely horrendous if im honest im not sure im strong enough to deal with this.
I want to tell her, but shes obviously a fool anyway.

Norfolk .

It is absolutely not surprising you are feeling horrendous.
In fact from this end it seems you were effectively tricked into sleeping with him. I am so very sorry for what you must have been going through.

Just so you can see how valid your feelings are, I just saw that there is a law maker in the USA who wants this sort of thing to be recognised for the crime it is.

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11261464/Lied-your-way-into-sex-You-could-be-a-rapist.html

He wants the state’s definition of rape to include ‘sexual assault by deceit’, which he defines as “an act of sexual penetration to which a person has given consent because the actor has misrepresented the purpose of the act or has represented he is someone he is not.

Singleton’s point is that in most negotiations in life, if one party is found to be guilty of deception, any agreement between the two of them is then invalid. The consent no longer exists. So, why shouldn’t that apply to sexual transactions?

Here is another link to someone working to get this crime recognised.
rapebyfraud.com/

Would you consider seeing a counsellor NorfolK? It might help a lot to work through all this and to help you set up boundary lines for yourself in the future.
It seemed worrying in a previous post that your gut was telling you no, but then you second guessed yourself so maybe you could do with emotional back up.

If you are very very upset do you have anyone to talk to right now? If not I am sure you could telephone rape crisis and explain your particular position of having been groomed and tricked into something you had not understood to be a false position until it was too late.

Thank you.
I guess I was emotionally scarred anyway.
My head is ruined from working it all out,
And How a normal relationship works.
I've been almost justifying talking to him and giving him the benefit of the doubt but my friends have swiftly kicked that into touch

Wooaaah - why is she a fool?

For staying with him throughout all the affairs and issues

Theo Who said she was a fool? I missed that.

Norfolk I've been almost justifying talking to him and giving him the benefit of the doubt
Why is that Norfolk? I have you found out you were mistaken and he is not married?

I mean to just hear what he has to say

Norfolk, in my opinion you should walk away and not have anything more to do with him whatsoever.

I know that may mean you have no sense of closure, but this man is just too bad and too unsafe.

Your friends are so right to tell you not to.

Met DP at a party, got drunk and went up to his hotel room. Whole night of brilliant sex, together 4 years since, one DC, wedding in July. No rules, if you like him/her then do what feels right. Anyone who says there is etiquette is an idiot.

I hope I get a happy ending eventually

I hope so too, but it won't be with this lying, deceitful cheat.

Defo not!

I've had some absolutely shite relationships. I have been in a very happy one for over a year. I'm 44. Its my first functioning relationship. I think a lot of this is due to the advice (on other threads and my own) given by the wonderful MNers
I'm sorry you have had this happen.

The trouble with everyone saying they slept together within minutes and then got married is that that gives a false reading. Did you sleep with others and never seem them again? If you sleep with 50 guys immediately and marry one, then that's no recommendation for the OP to sleep with this guy!

I'm really glad you discovered he was married before you went much further. I was going to say don't get into sexting before you've actually had sex. I would tell his wife if he's on a dating site - why did anyone think she was a fool? I couldn't understand that.

I agree Imperial about the false reading.
Also texts about sex when you just know someone might be a red flag.

I do agree imperial

The reason I said she might be a fool is due to the nature of his past convictions- the nature of them. I removed that post as it was very identifying

2nd date

we knew each other as colleagues before we got together, and I didnt want to acknowledge how much I liked her cos I wanted to stay single. But then I couldn't ignore my feelings for her. Sequence of events then was
Hugged each other- just a hug and yet it was everything
She proposed through a text message about a week later- I knew straight away I wanted to marry her.
Had one date a week after that
Started to make love a week later.
Moved in together a year later
Got married a few months after that.
Been together 5 years and its brilliant.
Its the only time I have fallen in love before having sex

I forgot to add that we are both in our fifties and this is the first good relationship Ive been in. I never used to respect myself due to early sexual abuse, or understand how to create and maintain boundaries. Counselling and learning about myself and loving myself finally have made a difference.