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Original poster

Can a man be aroused but still struggle to get an erection?

38 replies

PorridgeIsYummy · 04/07/2015 00:27

Had my hot date with Mr Gorgeous and it was a bit odd. He talked and acted like he was really turned on, had incredible stamina - and yet he didn't have a firm erection most of the time. Was he just acting like he was turned on when he wasn't - if he was as turned on as he seemed, surely he'd be rock hard? Or was he just nervous?

Argh - it's the second man that's had erection issues with me. For information, I have above average looks and figure and my hygiene is meticulous (in case you're wondering...). Mr Gorgeous never acknowledged that there was any issue at all and seemed perfectly comfortable , I wonder if this is his normal self?

OP posts:
FuckyNell · 04/07/2015 00:34

What have your looks got to do with it?

Stealth boast Grin

Original poster
PorridgeIsYummy · 04/07/2015 00:42

Sorry! It does sound like that, you're right! I thought it'd be relevant as, you know, hopefully he wasn't disappointed when he saw me without my clothes on? Does this make any sense? Apologies if this still sounds like I'm boasting.

OP posts:
SycamoreMum · 04/07/2015 00:53

Hey good lookin WinkGrin

Maybe he was just nervous. Tell him to relax and maybe tell him your nervous too so he doesn't feel silly. Than bang away.....

FuckyNell · 04/07/2015 00:55

I will ask my Dh his opinion.

He says its him and not you! Maybe that's normal for him. Did he ejaculate?
He also says maybe he'd already had a tactical wank? Grin

Original poster
PorridgeIsYummy · 04/07/2015 09:07

Thanks! And sorry to come across as so full of myself - I just thought it was relevant information.

What's a tactical wank?

OP posts:
Original poster
PorridgeIsYummy · 04/07/2015 09:13

I think he did ejaculate once. He was an incredibly generous lover otherwise, fully focusing on my pleasure in other ways. But maybe it was to divert my attention from his bits?

He did seem to enjoy himself a lot and has been in regular contact since telling me how wonderful the whole thing was. Maybe this is normal for some men?

Also, I'd love to get a male perspective on this - can I talk to him about this or will it only make him more conscious about it?

OP posts:
patterkiller · 04/07/2015 09:19

He was an incredibly generous lover otherwise
Wouldn't you rather have this than a rock hard selfish wanker?
Anyway, probably nerves. if it happens next time ask him.

Original poster
PorridgeIsYummy · 04/07/2015 09:33

Patterkiller - of course I prefer this. But I want to understand him so I can pleasure him next time. I didn't know what to do with his bits. I admit I avoided going there much as I felt I was only drawing attention to his lack of a proper erection.

OP posts:
AccordingToOurRecords · 04/07/2015 10:06

He was a very generous lover but you weren't by the sounds of it. You didn't want to go near ' his bits ' as you didn't know what to do. You do know it's a two way thing right or were you just expecting him to be wowed by your above average looks and rockin body?

Nightboattocairo · 04/07/2015 10:12

Watching too much pron can create this problem. Some guys can't react to anything unless it's on a screen, they're hardwired. The only way is to change the wiring, it's a common problem but can be solved.

ExitStageLeft · 04/07/2015 10:15

I sort of remember having sex with a guy like this once, it's really hard to have sex with a bloke without a proper erection. Really not sure though, will ask DH when he gets home.

FretYeNotAllIsShiny · 04/07/2015 10:23

So you didn't know what to do with his bits, there's a solution for that. You ask him. You can either instigate a conversation before you next have sex, admit that you didn't know what to do and ask for suggestions, or wait until you're actually having sex and ask in your sexiest voice what he would like you to do to him and how.

I doubt the erection problem is you. Sometimes it's nerves, but it could be medications or maybe just his own physiology. If he's a generous lover aside from that, then just go at it with gusto. You'll learn as time goes on whether this is normal for him, and what you can do to help. Open and frank conversation will improve any sex life far more than a raging erection.

Btw, a tactical wank is when a bloke has a wank in the hours before sex, so that he can go longer for the big event, or so he doesn't go off like a rocket the moment you both get down to it. I have my own solution for premature ejaculators, just have sex twice Grin

Original poster
PorridgeIsYummy · 04/07/2015 10:25

Thanks. I'm aware I could have come across as selfish for not trying to stimulate him more, but it's tricky when things don't work. I want to pleasure him next time, as I said, but I just don't know how if the same thing happens again. I think men might be able to advise here.

OP posts:
Original poster
PorridgeIsYummy · 04/07/2015 10:33

Thanks, Fret. I hope it's just nerves - there was a huge build up to our first time together and that might partly explain the problem.

He's totally gorgeous, though. He has heart-stoppingly beautiful eyes. The body of an Olympic athlete. A voice that makes my bits do strange things.

I am certainly seeing him again.

OP posts:
Carrie5608 · 04/07/2015 10:43

Erectile dysfuction is often a medical issue. It can be caused by lots of common medicines especially blood pressure or heart medication.

gatewalker · 04/07/2015 11:31

OP - Yes, a man can be aroused without a (full) erection. I would say take some time to get to know him and his body and his arousal patterns, and take it from there -- there could be any number of causes, from over-stimulation due to porn, to anxiety, to its being absolutely normal for him.

Redglitter · 04/07/2015 11:34

Surely if he wasn't having a full erection then ignoring his bits was hardly going to help. Don't you think perhaps if you had then it might have solved the problem Hmm

I find it'd not unusual for my partner to lose a slight bit of his erection when he's concentrating on me but it doesn't half return as soon as I start paying it some attention

Avoiding the area completely seems a very odd thing to do

Lovingfreedom · 04/07/2015 12:20

I agree with the last post...touching might help! Also sometimes new man can be nervous

tormentil · 04/07/2015 12:34

I have had a long term lover with a similar erection problem. It was an age thing for him, I think. However, his desire was very much there and he was a fantastic and very generous lover. I was always desired, my pleasure was his pleasure and he used his hands and tongue wonderfully.

Like you, OP, I wasn't sure about touching him. Despite not being fully erect, he could ejaculate quite quickly. As we got more comfortable with each other, I would ask 'can I hold you', 'can I touch you'. And he enjoyed oral.

We never talked about it - but it wasn't an elephant in the room.

Nevergoingtolearn · 04/07/2015 16:16

I wrote a similar post 2 weeks ago about a man I have started seeing ( hope it's not the same one ), he has exactly the same problem but it has got slightly better each time, I have found oral makes him a bit harder ( still not as hard as I would like ), he seems to be enjoying himself, still cums several times and seems to get a bit harder whilst actually having sex.

Eekaman · 04/07/2015 22:09

I was going to say to OP that a similar thread was around a couple of weeks ago, and Nevergoingtolearn then joined in...

Since reading Never's thread I've been asking around as I didn't have any suggestions and a pal mentioned a possible Zinc deficiency and suggested Zinc supplements, other mens health boards have also suggested this and the one to go for is ZMA, you get it in big chemists apparently. Side effects seem to include better night sleep and vividly crazy dreams. So, a stiffer cock, better sleep and crazy dreams? I'm getting some myself :)

And OP, as has been said earlier, it's a two way street. A girl once complained to me that I wasn't hard for a second round and she said, 'Why aren't you turned on? I've been stroking your back....' As we all know, the key to an instant, strong, powerful and lasting erection is a bit of back stroking. :/

So roll your sleeves up and get busy :) And ask him, talk to him, get him to show you... turn this problem into an opportunity!

Swingbi · 05/07/2015 03:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnoogyWoo · 05/07/2015 07:48

Male perspective for you as long as it's not a health issue which is rare.
I can virtually guarantee it will be nerves, erections are much harder to maintain with anxiety! It sounds like he was attentive to your needs which means he really cares and his anxiety comes from wanting to be the best for you.
Whatever you do don't mention it, just say you had a great time. The moment you mention it, it becomes a thing and it will take months to get over. Male ego is a fragile thing. It really isn't about you at all, the fact he was attentive and went to bed with you means he thinks your great/gorgeous. Let him get comfortable with you and over the next couple of sessions his erection will become as hard as a broom handle Grin

Original poster
PorridgeIsYummy · 05/07/2015 11:52

Thank you, everybody. Lots of great advice here. SnoogyWoo, your post is particularly insightful - I also thought talking about things would make a big deal of them. Weird as it sounds, I got the feeling it was better to "pretend" not to have noticed - this explains why I didn't touch him as much as I normally would.

The idea about condom use is certainly a possibility too. Hm. Unfortunately it's non-negotiable.

Never - your experience is similar to mine indeed! Really hoping it's not the same man Grin

OP posts:
Nevergoingtolearn · 05/07/2015 18:01

Saw my man today and it's getting better each time, I'm sure a lot of it was nerves, I can now make him quite hard with my hand or through oral.

Hopefully it will be the same for you op, I'm sure once you are both more relaxed it will improve. Condoms can also cause this, I have met a few men that go soft when they try and put on a condom Sad.

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