Y8-2023/2024

@RosieRiveting I think it's quite good when they realise that some friends aren't worth the hassle!

I agree there's not much time in the school day for friendships, especially when there are lunchtime clubs. My DD has made some friends on the commute, which is helpful - several girls get the same bus, so they have each other's numbers and look out for each other. Also, she tends to get to school early, so she has made friends with some of the other early birds from other forms/years. Having some different friends for different parts of the day helps to balance things, if there is a problem with one group.

JustTalk was recommended to me by another mum when my daughter was in Yr 6 and they all use it. It has a number of features that make it much safer than Whatsapp - for example, a parent has to put in a code in order to add a contact or to follow a link that someone has posted.

There are no ads or in-app purchases. It also has loads of features that make it more fun for young people to use - my daughter loves the look of it and the way they can all customise the groups, icons, etc.

play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.justalk.kids.android&hl=en_GB&gl=US

Oh and obviously you don't get the thing where people forward on messages images or videos within WhatsApp that are full of questionable content. Which happened a lot when she had WhatsApp - people forwarding stuff from other WA groups/chats.

Just a counterpoint to all the positives, DD not really coping with the demands very well especially going to school. She will not go on her own so DH has to take her while I sort out her siblings. Have already had a call from attendance officer which made me feel shit as I am trying so hard to help her be on time, get enough sleep, do her homework which has been a massive shock and all the rest of it. She's fine, behaviourwise and doing ok academically but mornings and evenings are hellish.

And, tbh, it seems so much like it is just my DD. Everyone I know says their DC are happy and thriving and it's so much better than primary. And I think how crap of a mother must I be that DD is not coping? And I feel really really alone.

@ISaySteadyOn Sorry to hear you and your DD are having a hard time. You're really not alone, and it's not a parenting failure on your part.

I think it's quite common to hold it together at school and then let it all out in the mornings and evenings. Hard as it is.

I hope you get some proper advice/support here soon. I have three kids at secondary school - one of them found Y7 really quite difficult (lots of stomach aches etc), but things really fell into place for him in Y8 and he's now largely happy and settled in Y10. For him, it just took some time. Things are still changing a lot in Y7; I really hope your DD starts to feel better about it soon.

I do too. It's just stressing our whole family out. I've ended up in tears the last two mornings.

I think it definitely takes time, it's just so hard while it is taking the time. And the school's threatening approaches do not help. I don't at all feel I could go to them for any help or support.

Can you try contacting her tutor, or the pastoral lead person maybe. The attendance person's job is to focus on attendance (obviously) - I think they would do that better by being supportive rather than threatening personally, but if they are taking a more hard-line approach that doesn't necessarily mean that there aren't people at the school who will want to help and support your daughter. It can be daunting navigating the secondary system - it's pretty obvious who to contact for what in primary school. If her tutor is any good that could be a really useful starting point.

I know exactly what you mean about it's hard when it's taking the time. Sending you solidarity.

I also think that the parents you tend to hear the most are the ones whose kids are really settling in and loving it.

I think as your children get older it becomes harder to talk honestly with peers about how they're doing, because it feels more like a betrayal of their confidence that it does when they are younger somehow. And that can feel more isolating too, even though your DD's experience is probably a common one.

@ISaySteadyOn it definitely isn't just you. I know people whose kids are struggling, they just don't tend to talk about it much. I'm sorry your DD is having a tough time. Talking to whoever does pastoral support would be my suggestion to. Is there anything concrete she's struggling with or is just the change?

@ISaySteadyOn just to add to the chorus - there are many many kids finding Year 7 difficult but, as other posters have said, you dont tend to hear from them on here. We had full-on panic attacks in the morning, tears every day, school refusal etc, and the first half term was just brutal. Thankfully the work we have been doing with him, and the therapist he now sees every week, has been helping and we are in a better place now (though still a long way to go). He has no friends yet (still too scared to engage with his peers to make them, but he has at least started engaging with some of them) and we take him in and pick him up every day. He also calls us twice a day to help with the anxiety. He is doing fine in class, and keeping on top of H/W, but it is still a real struggle for all of us. However, my mantra is "baby steps are still steps" and it feels like every day he is in school things get a tiny bit better. The pastoral team, and his head of year, have been amazing, so I definitely would suggest getting it touch with them to see if things can be put in place to help. The key thing is dont blame yourself - many kids struggle and you are certainly not alone.

@ISaySteadyOn - you're not alone. My DC is miserable, has made no friends & I heard him telling his primary school friends that he hated everyone at his secondary school.

Other kids are giving him a hard time because he's no good at PE (he's fit but very uncoordinated) and the ones who aren't picking on him have their own friends and he can't break into their groups.

He's gone from being a happy child with lots of friends, to a sad little boy. He does lots of things outside school, but his sadness is starting to affect that now too.

I don't know what to do to help him 😞

@cortisolqueen did he go to a different school from his primary friends? Any options to move him if so?

@RosieRiveting yes different to all his friends, there are a few people he knows but I'm not sure he gets on with them that well.

Unfortunately the education system around here is ridiculous - grammar schools and all schools (non-grammar & grammar) are oversubscribed with long waiting lists.

to everyone struggling.

My DD hates it. We have tears every day and she says she wants to go back to Primary school ☹️

Oh thank god, I thought i was the only one with a Yr 7 struggling. She's coping fine academically (she's super bright and at a girls selective) but she's really struggling with the social side. There is so much pressure on her to "grow up" - she's been called babyish and "stupid" for liking some things that are totally normal for an 11 year old to like. And now her BFF from primary has ditched her and is now excluding her, so I think she's really lonely. I don't know what to do - it's breaking my heart to see her so sad.

Have you spoken to the school @ArtHistory? I think secondaries are very familiar with friendship issues and they might have schemes in place already to help those who are struggling. I bet there are other girls like yours there, she just needs to find them. Has she joined any clubs that might help her meet like-minded people?

Out of school friends can also help. My daughter does a drama club and has started to meet up with some of the kids there who go to different schools.

It is really hard. My DD does not make friends easily at all and isn't into a lot of the teen stuff others are.

I think 11 is a hard age. I'm from the US originally and one thing it does well is have middle school or junior high. That generally goes from 11-14 yo and then you go to high school.

I just got an email from school that DD is doing really well academically so that's optimistic.

My Ds is having daily panic attacks and is not coping at all. School are suggesting some underlying condition as to why he can't cope. It's awful and I'm considering home schooling. We have tried phased return which helped a little. It's a grammar and v strict I realise now but nowhere to move to as all other schools have waiting lists.

Your poor son; I would definitely consider home School until you get another school; it doesn’t sound like it is the right school for him.

@beechie12 . I actually did homeschool two of mine in primary until I found them a new school. There are lots of resources online nowadays. So, yes, I agree with Petuni9.

My DD is dyspraxic and can seem young for her age. I had felt her friends at primary were growing away from her a little and was a bit worried about secondary.

She has found her crowd there.