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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Come and slap me or hug, me what ever you prefer. I'm gutted for no good reason.

42 replies

LynetteScavo · 02/03/2010 20:37

DS1 took the 11+, but failed to get into the boys grammar school by a couple of points.

The school he has been offered is lovely...he wil be as happy there as anywhere else.

But I'm guttted slightly upset because he didn't get into the grammar, and won't be able to wear the lovely uniform, and put on his CV that he went to this school. (Unless he goes there for 6th form, which he could)

DH has acted like he was totally uninterested in where DS went to senior school, and truged around open evenings becuse he had too. But he looked like he was going to cry today when we got the results. He hasn't cried since DS1 was born.

It was only a couple of points. So near, yet so far. I'm upset for DH and I, but not for DS, as he couldn't care less.

I would like a hug, but deserve a slap.

OP posts:
TabithaSmith · 02/03/2010 20:41

Ah, here, have a hug.

The whole process of applying to secondary school is so stressful. I'm not surprised you and your DH feel like collapsing in tears.

Just keep reminding yourself of what you know to be true:

Your DS is happy

If he is happy, you will be happy (eventually)

He is going to a lovely school

He is obviously very bright and is going to do extremely well and be very happy in his lovely new school.

Allow yourself tonight to wallow, but start tomorrow afresh.

kalo12 · 02/03/2010 20:47

11+? where do they have that? does it make the local secondary school second class?

SKYTVADDICT · 02/03/2010 20:51

Big hug for you.

I know round here (Lincolnshire Kalo12) if you are within a couple of marks and have the Primary Heads backing you can appeal.

Something you might consider?

Garyconyers · 02/03/2010 21:17

Awwwww, why would you deserve a slap for wanting the best for DS?

He'll be really happy in new school, but I know what you mean.
{hugs}

senua · 02/03/2010 21:24

Your DS will be able to do that holier-than-thou, smug thing along the lines of 'look at my results: going to the local comp did me no harm.'

My DS was originally upset at not getting into the Grammar but is now v. pleased because his school trounces them at Rugby. Sometimes these things are meant to be.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 02/03/2010 21:26

Thanks for the hugs.

The local secondary is large and dull, with a poor reputation, or we could have sent him to the local CofE secondary modern, which is nice, but he wouldn't have been challenged,(DS2 may well go there) so we are sending him to a Catholic comp in the next town.

I've just burst into tears and told DH I really wanted DS to wear a blue uniform, and to be able to tell every one he'd passed

DH has said "He's not a show thing to show off to every body" and "You are being too mental for my liking" He has a point.

DS is on the waiting list, but 8 other people got the same score as him, and heavens only knows how many others got the score above that..it could be 1 or 100. And he wouldn't have been happy there, anyone who has read my previous threads about his school problems will know what I mean.

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Original poster
LynetteScavo · 02/03/2010 21:36

I have just found out another boy from his class, who's mum I am friends with, and is no where near as bright as DS has got a place at the grammar school. I'm now really and a bit

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kalo12 · 02/03/2010 21:36

sounds stressful. i am trying to move to warwickshire near my parents and i think they have the same system there. i am stressed enough finding a primary, hadn't even considered the secondary factor.

hope it all turns out ok. i don't thinkyou're mental

releasethehounds · 02/03/2010 21:51

Lynette - I'm in almost exactly the same position as you. DD was expected by her school teachers to get into local selective grammar (has always been top in her primary school and they told me she would 'fly in') and has not got in! I'm devastated, as is DH, but she's quite happy to be offered the local good comprehensive school.

We've all been out for a celebratory meal tonight, as promised regardless of which school DD was allocated, but I feel I'm just putting a smile on my face so I don't upset DD. I have told her how proud I am of her for taking the test for the grammar and that I know she will do just as well at the school she will be going to. That said, I have spent most of the last 2 days in tears in private - I never expected it would hit me so hard.

So I can fully understand where you're coming from. I don't yet know which of DD's friends have made it into the grammar school but none of those who entered are above her ability-wise at school and a few are def below her, so I'll be seething if they get in!

Sending you hugs - I know how low you're feeling, but I suppose they really will do well whichever school they end up in.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 02/03/2010 21:57

Thanks,releasethehounds. Glad it's not just me.

Kalo 12. Stay away form Warwickshire!

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kalo12 · 02/03/2010 22:01

oh god is schooling bad there?
do you know what it is like in stratford upon avon? are the primaries over subscribed cos someone told me there was a shortage of schools there

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 02/03/2010 22:04

I'm nowhere near Stratford. The schools are supposed to be OK where I am...it's just the whole 11+ thing that causes so much stress.

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kalo12 · 02/03/2010 22:12

thanks lynette, if its any consolation i looked at the grammar school website there and couldn't believe how repressive it seemed (i am a teacher). i think grammar schools often are and i'm sure your ds will be much happier in the other school

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 02/03/2010 22:21

I think repressive was the word DH was looking for when we looked around. He wasn't feeling well at the time, and could only muster "they seem a bit up their own arses"

Expressive is what DS needs. And Expressive is what he'll get. (They call the teachers by their first names where he's going")

It'll be fine, really, it will.

The only person I know who has gone to the school he's going to has done VERY well for him self. DS will be fine.

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PixieOnaLeaf · 02/03/2010 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MaureenMLove · 02/03/2010 22:34

Most secondary modern schools do something called 'Fast Track' now, which is really their way of selecting the brightest students and getting them on a programme a lot more like the grammar schools. (Jeez, that was badly written, I wasn't fast tracked at any point in my life, obviously!)

I would imagine, your DS with an almost pass, will benefit from Fast Track and tbh, I think there is an awful lot to be said for a child that is really happy at school. DD didn't get a selective place, is on Fast Track for quite a few of her subjects, loves her school and that has to be part of the reason she is doing so well. She is on track to take just as many GCSE's as her cousin, who is uber bright, and will have just as many doors open to her too.

seimum · 02/03/2010 22:45

I had a similar situation when my DD2 failed by one mark to get into the grammar where DD1 was (and where DS subsequently went).
Even though she has done well at her school, and in fact has enjoyed not being overshadowed by her 'clever' siblings, I still remember feeling gutted at the result - and then gutted all over again when the appeal failed.

You just have to remember it's their life, not yours, and they will make of it what they will.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 02/03/2010 23:41

I've just checked out the alumni of both schools. The grammar school has a few professors. Nobody I've ever heard of, or sound like they would be good company at a dinner party. The school DS has been offered a place at has some quite thrilling ex-pupils. Actors, musicians and fashion designers. (Well, thrilling if you are a Grazia reader )

My hunch that they cultivate creativity seems likely.

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admission · 02/03/2010 23:55

Many "ordinary" schools suit pupils who narrowly fail the 11+ far better than pushing then to just scrape into the grammar school under appeal. So maybe this could be the best possible thing for your children in the long run. Quiet frankly no company or organisation could be bothered by which school they went to, they are only bothered what qualfications they got.

sunnydelight · 03/03/2010 03:48

Anyone in this situation diserves a hug and I have huge sympathy - it's natural to be disappointed - but the comments about kids who YOU PERCEIVE to be less bright/of lower ability than yours getting places really leave a sour taste!

senua · 03/03/2010 09:28

Er, no, SunnyD. My DS who I know (not PERCEIVE) to be bright didn't get into Grammar. At the end of Y5 he won the Prize for being cleverest-cloggs in an academic school. Less than six months later he didn't get in to Grammar but the majority of his peers did. He went on to get a scholarship elsewhere. The Grammar tests are not infallible - ask Milliways.
I queried the result and was told that he went down in his best subject. I still haven't squared that circle to this day (he is on the G&T list at his current school for the subject).

As anyone who has been through the Oxbridge process will tell you, it can sometimes be a bit of a lottery as to who gets in.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 03/03/2010 09:45

Well, considereing some of the chidren who have "gained" a place at the grammar school, I now think DS2 could actually manage to get in.

I know what you mean about oxbridge senua. It certainly wasn't the brightest from my school that went off to Oxford and Cambrige.

Maybe the other child is brighter than my DS, sunnydelight, and the school they're at place him in lower ability groups than my DS because they and his parents haven't recognised his true ability during the last 4 years.

Or maybe it's because my fool of a DS didn't bother answering all the questions. I really could shake him, but I keep patting him on the back and saying "I'm so proud of you" in a freaky OTT way, and he's started giving me funny looks.

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BigTillyMint · 03/03/2010 11:10

It sounds like the school he's been allocated will be fab if it has such a creative bunch of alumni.

Maybe the 11+ tests just weren't your DS's thing - I know of a few boys who are bright but didn't get into selective schools because they aren't that competitive and didn't whizz through the test like their lives depended on it.

And you are quite right about children in lower ability groups not having their true ability recognised. They are often boys who are not enthused by the Primary Curriculum / style of teaching / having to write loads, etc, but who perform very well on the non-verbal and verbal reasoning tests which are more like little puzzles to solve.

Docbunches · 03/03/2010 11:18

You definitely deserve a hug and not a slap.

I know how you feel; my DD didn't get in to a super-selective grammar two years ago - we thought she would and so did everyone else. She was a few marks short of the required score, but not even enough to get on the reserve list. I think we were guilty of underestimating the competition, which was, and still is, ridiculous.

She is now at a lovely Comp with loads of nice friends, is in top sets, G&T, letters sent home about her work, glowing reports, etc. Not only that, but the uniform at the girls' grammar is really scruffy in comparison to my DCs' school .

Where we live, years of intensive coaching has become the norm in gaining a place at the grammar schools. A few very clever untutored children manage it, but not many.

Lynettescavo, I wouldn't mind betting that your DS's classmate had many years of preparation? Some people would argue that it doesn't make a difference, but IMO it does!

You should definitely be proud of your DS, and keep telling him that.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 03/03/2010 11:31

Thanks Docbunches for your lovely post. It's made me feel much better.

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