Something that never occurred to me about single sex schools and is now worrying me

[Bomper]

I was watching a programme the other week about children starting their first year of secondary school (as is ds) and the subject was budding relationships with the opposite sex and dealing with new emotions. A number of them already had 'girlfriends' and 'boyfriends'. It started me thinking about ds who goes to an all boys school. Will he be missing out on a major life learning experience? Is it going to be hard for him to talk to girls as he won't be interacting with them on a day to day basis? Anyone with any experience of this?

well it didn't stop me

Yes. I went to a single sex school and found it a struggle knowing how to interact and banter with boys when I moved to another school for the sixth form. In fact, I felt the school dented my social confidence in a lot of ways.

The boys that came from the local boys' single sex school struggled even more to behave appropriately with girls and many would either be too stilted or downright sexist and aggressive, while the boys and girls who had been at the mixed school all their school lives were much more natural around one another.

I woudn't send my children to a single sex school.

Just make sure he has opportunities to mix with girls outside school - a drama club or whatever

I think there are 2 sides to it.

There are the points against single sex schools which Carmen has made (and I agree with them) and there are also points against mixed sex schools such as the pressure to constantly impress the opposite sex sometimes to the detriment of concentration and learning in lessons.

It's difficult. Currently (although it is a long way off), my DCs will be going to a mixed sex school for secondary.

We've been wondering about this because DDs choices for 2ndary next year are two very good all-girls and one somewhat mediocre mixed. However, both of the girls' schools seem to have links with a corresponding boys' school so that activities such as orchestras and plays are done together, and they have discos etc. Not sure that's really the same as having the other sex around all the time though.

Personally I can't remember at my mixed school many serious girl/boyfriend relationships before the sixth form - the emphasis on such things earlier doesn't really seem like a very good development so maybe its not such a bad thing to keep them apart!

I wouldn't send mine to a single sex school either. It's so false and unlike real life, the only time that the genders are segregated in day to day life. I do think yes there are arguments out there that boys do better in English without girls there and girls do better in science without boys, etc, or similar....but I think if your child is without significant special needs that they will reach their potential anyway and learning to have a day to day working and social relationship with the opposite sex will be far more valuable in the long term.

I did hear of a school which teaches maths, english, science seperately by gender, and mixes the genders for other subjects and social times. That sounds very sensible to me and like the best of both worlds!

Oh, and also, having gone to a single sex school, when I got to uni, I spent far too much time on boys to the detriment of my studies!

I have one DD (16) at an all girls school, the other (14) at mixed. Have made sure the eldest has done a lot of out of school stuff where she mixes with boys, but she is definitely less comfortable than her younger sister with boys. May be age related, but she seems far more aware of them as boyfriend material than just friends.

I went to an all girls school and swore that I wouldn't inflict the experience on my children. She's leaving this year to go to a mixed sixth form and I think it will be interesting!

I work in sexual health and go round schools teaching sex and relationships ed. All boys schools are hilarious to teach it in- they just haven't got a clue how to interact with girls at all. I imagine fine if they have sisters or female friends outside of school otherwise is a bad bad thing. Interestingly in my experience single sex girls schools don't have this problem at all!

I went to an all girls school - they used to lay on social events with the local boys school.

Never ruined my chances!

You need to read Stephen Fry's autobiography.

I don't understand why you would choose to separate your child from half the world's population. He's going to have to deal with them (and himself) at some point. It's like never allowing him to be educated with someone who has English as a second language, or who isn't as clever, who who has no disabilities, or who has less money, or who has more money, or who has gay parents. It's a weird thing to do, isolating a child in an unrealistic bubble, and I'll never understand the drive to do this.

DS (14) is at a boys Grammar school - and loving it.

He chats to girls on the bus in the morning, going to a nearby Private girls school - they feed him their cooking! He has friends at church and other clubs. He has a sister who brings friends home and they take over the house.

I don't worry. The education he is getting is fantastic and he seems well balanced and perfectly at ease with girls in a social setting.

Yes we were closely allied with the local boys' school
And I had lots of friends who were boys outside school

I can see if you don't have that it would be odd

I went to an all girls school and they were all man mad, had no problem talking to boys....so don't worry...

All my dc are at single sex schools (apart from ds2 who is still at primary).....they're fine.....have friends of the opposite sex they meet up with at weekends and after school...

My main concern is with my childs education, not their social life.

I wouldn't send my children to a single sex school.
I went to mixed secondary school and can still remember the excitement of bumping into the boy you fancied in the corridor, or the special looks across the table at lunch. I wouldn't want my DCs to miss out on this.

Socialising with children of the opposite sex is a major part of growing up and understanding about relationships. Life is not only about getting good A levels (and I still got good A levels despite being in a mixed school).

Britain is probably one of the only European countries that has single sex schools. It is not right to keep children of the opposite sex apart and the rest of the world knows that. It is time for Britain to realise that tradition is not everything! Children should not start formal education at 4 and they should not be taught in single sex schools!

I'll never understand the drive to do this.

If the mixed school available to us had nearly as good results as either of the single sex ones that's what we'd prefer. Well, DH and I would; at the moment DD is sick of boys misbehaving when they are meant to be working - she reckons that having girls only in the classroom but boys around for other activities is a good idea. Its a matter of trying to balance pros and cons.

Yes, it is one of the single biggest drawbacks. I remember my parents being very against any suggestion I went to the local cafe, where the cool kids mixed with the local boys school. I think there were terrified all their scraped together school fees would be wasted if I discovered boys, teenage romance, and started neglecting my studies. Or worse (in their eyes), teen pregnancy.

All it did was create a 'forbidden fruit' appeal. Lots of girls would go a bit mad and snog lots of boys at any parties we did get to go to, partly because you then wouldn't have the shame of seeing them in class the next day. My friends and I eventually turned our attentions to deeply unsuitable older men, random one night stands etc. We were all intelligent girls and not doing anything dangerous or stupid, but we were naturally curious and didn't have the opportunities to discover what boys - of our own age - we liked and didn't like.

It was pretty clear that the local boys school suffered too, and the poor boys didn't have the option of getting all dolled up aged 17 and going to a nice wine bar for some flirting, which my girlfriends and I could!

On the other hand, it did remove a lot of the peer pressure to have a boyfriend, and there wasnt' the distraction factor in class. I think I actually made more male friends than female at uni, so it evened out pretty quickly.

Personally I would love to send my kids to single sex schools up until 6th form, by which point I think mixing is as much of a life skill to develop before leaving school as driving or learning to budget. We will, however - and my DH feels the same having been in single-sex boarding for 11 years! - definitely encourage our children to have a social life, ideally with people we can get to know ourselves, so they don't run off and stick their tongues down the throat of the first willing stranger!

My main concern is NOT with my child's education. I think it's an extremely blinkered approach to take. Children are people, not walking libraries, and the measure of our success at parenting should not be how much information who have caused to be rammed into our child's head by the age of 20, but rather how happy they are with what they do manage to do.

It's no use having a PHD if you also feel like hanging yourself because you have no idea how to relate to people.

I trust teachers to deliver the education, but not at the expense of the social skills that make your existence a life.

Single sex schools perform better.....fact.

DS1 has just started at an all boys school - and I'm not sure he's noticed there aren't any girls there, he's having so much fun. I'm not too worried about him because he has lots of contact with girls, as well as a sister. It may be different when he reaches puberty, but I suspect he will be ok.

The boys I knew who were at the boys school when I was growing up all seem to have worked it out for themselves and seem pretty happy now. Whether you go for the 'expose them to the opposite sex every day and it will make it no big deal' approach or the 'school will be better if you're not distracted all the time' tack makes very little difference, IMHO, a few years down the line.

Having been to both, I really enjoyed the lack of distraction at my girls' school and loved the feeling of security without boys there to comment on your every move. Funnily enough, what I do have against girls' schools is the pressure that girls put on themselves and on each other - and I don't think DD would cope with that very well, being an anxious bunny.

To sum up, friendships with the opposite sex are an anxious business when you are a teenager, whether you see them at school every day or not and I'm not sure the nature of your schooling is a good predictor of your later happiness in relationships.

I agree with dp (there's a comment I don't post every day). I went to a single sex school. I have no problem relating to men and never have done. I think people who have problems relating to the opposite sex "because" they went to a single sex school would have said problems regardless, even if they were in a mixed school.

Stephen Fry went to a boys boarding school in the 1970s. Not very illustrative of likely experience of a day single sex school now.

Absolutely, coldtits.

What good is performing better academically if you go to pieces with an interviewer of the opposite sex or you've run off with an older man and dropped out of school entirely?

In my experience, both the boys and girls leaving the single sex schools were very much lacking in maturity and savvy which of course shows up in interviews. They were also more prone to going mad at university.

The thing is that most single sex schools are only single sex up to end of GCSE - most single sex 6th forms here (including the independents) are all mixed at 6th form level

So it's not quite as stark a contrast now as it was In My Day. Depends if students keep up other activities as well which are mixed sex.

ime it depends on the individual kids and their circumstances. for some (quite possibly most) talking on the bus/at drama/with your sibling's friends will come nowhere near the level of everyday interaction and co-operation that you get at school. for some it will be enough. I went to a girl's chool bt had the good fortune to luivein a village where all the teens hung out together all the time - inc a youth club, youth club cmping trips and other village activities. bvut i had friends at school who barely saw a boy (apart from on the bus) until they reached uni. not good.

good post coldtits.