Swimming does my daughter have to do it?

[formidablelady]

My daughter is in year 9 and the high school she is at has a pool. She has recently got soft contact lenses and much more aware of her appearance. She refuses to wear her glasses and it takes her a while to put them back in. She only has 15 minutes to change after the lesson. She also has shoulder length curly hair which she styles into ringlets with gel. After she comes out of swimming when it dries it goes into a frizzy ball and looks dreadful (like she has been electrocuted!). I have written to school to say that we don't want her to do swimming. We are happy for her to do any other sport. The teacher has said that she feels she should do it. I know swimming is not compulsory after keystage 2. Does anyone know where we stand with this. Can I refuse and ask for another option. There are no medical grounds. But there are self esteem issues and name calling.

I hated running and cross country at school and wasn't allowed to get out of it, swimming is just another sport, never quite understand why people think swimming is optional yet all other sports are not. I would love to have been able to do swimming in secondary but we didn't have a pool.

By letting her not do it you're reinforcing a terribly shallow approach to life where appearance takes precedence.

I skipped sport all the time as a kid due to bullying, and my parents let me. I know they were trying to do the right thing for me, but I'm not sure it helped, it just encouraged the idea of me being 'different'. They were doing it with the best intentions though. Can you take your daughter to a hairdresser at an Afro-Carribean salon who might be able to teach a range of different styles that will keep your daughter's hair in check while swimming, and maybe advise on products?

hadn't read the rest of the thread before I commented. I still agree with my post but if confidence and bullying is an issue what about the potential she has to prove to these people what a great swimmer she is. Bullies are covering up their own shortfalls so to be utterly brilliant at something rather than trying to blend in might be the best option to knock it on the head. These bullies will grow up with nothing in their lives, your daughter could grow up to be an olympian. Well, not necessarily but my point is, give her a reason to believe in herself that's based on her ability not her looks

I don't think that the OP is trying to endorse a "shallow approach to life". It sounds as if her dd is being bullied and the OP is trying her best to find ways to enhance her daughters self-esteem so that she can face the bullying with a level of confidence.

I say this as someone who was on their schools swim team for years and understands the importance of sports. The thing is, I was terrible at cross country, but was a very good swimmer. My school gave us options for which sports we could do in the winter and in the summer - thank goodness! Sports can help build self-confidence if you are good at them, or at the very least, enjoy them. My self esteem was not enhanced the time I puffed in near the very end of the cross country race, face red and hair standing out on end to jeering peers at the age of 13. It was enhanced when I was in the pool improving on something that I loved and something that I was good at (not the best at, but good at). Girls are very mean, ESPECIALLY about appearance and sometimes the only way to survive those teenage years is to know that you have done your utmost to feel good about yourself. That is not to say that it will solve the bullying. But I don't really see why, if someone is terribly unhappy and uncomfortable with a sport she should not be able to choose something different!
Especially as she already knows how to swim!

Children do not actually have a lot of choices in their early school lives, most things are compulsory. It is probably not going to teach her anything but resentfulness if her mother sides with school and forces her to do something that she hates. Pick your battles!

but there is no compromise: she either does the swimming or she doesn't

what's wrong with an elastic and heaband to keep hair under control until after school?

I understand the instinct to protect one's children but I think that giving them support to create a strategy to deal with the bullies/compromise on her laborious hair regime will provide her with a life skill, instead of just advocating/supporting avoidance.

forgot to add, ask to see the school's anti-bullying/behaviour policy and make a formal statement about what's happening to her.

then it's not about swimming, it's about bullying. which can be addressed.

If your daughter is getting bullied for her appearance don't you think you should be putting your energies into getting that sorted instead of finding reasons for her not to swim?

She could tie her hair back after swimming - use clips if it won't all go back.

She needs to learn to be quicker with her contacts, or find a pair of glasses that she's happy with.

I find it sad that the OP is so resistant to solving the root of this problem rather than just sorting the symptoms.

If she has low self-esteem and this is making her feel bad, then don't worry about it - just let her sit out, with the other half of the class that is also not doing it (I don't know why you are worried about 'procedures' when half the class is already sitting out?).

But I would work on her self-esteem - take her swimming yourself. And you have said a lot of horrible things about her appearance here - if you really think your own daughter looks like a 'Hallowe'en freak' unless she spends ages styling herself, that is very sad, and I wonder what sort of messages you are passing on to her.

My dd does swimming and it is compulsory for them to wear a cap, has been since she started. Might be way around it - if it was compulsory, all the girls would have to do it, thus saving her hair. Plus it is more hygienic and better for the pool - might be worth raising with the school... Prescription goggles v good too. Much better message to send your daughter, to find a solution to a problem rather than just drop out of it.

You need to learn to accept her hair how it is, I think. Frizz never hurt anyone.

If she is being bullied, you need to address that, not bow to the bullying and allow your daughter to modify her appearance to the point where it is impractical for everyday school life - and if swimming is part of everyday school life, you are stuck with it and so is she.]

Allowing her to sit out because she wants to wear contacts and gelled hair is encouraging and whining, pandered to, prinking princess "oh not me, I might break a nail" attitude.

If it doesn't hurt, she should do it. Frizzy hair doesn't hurt, and wearing glasses doesn't hurt.

By allowing her to sit out, you are saying to her "Yes, the bullies are right, your appearance is so unacceptable without gel and contacts that we must do all we can to make sure you keep them". You are teaching her that she is unacceptable as she is.

I have very bad eyesight and curly/frizzy hair. At school I couldn't see a thing in the swimming pool and often got into trouble for not doing what I was supposed to cos couldn't see who teacher was pointing at! Anyway I got contac lenses at 14 and swam in them . Hair was a disaster for the rest of the day. In those days there was no question of getting out of it.

However, I have discovered 'Aquasphere' goggles which are airtight and perfect for contac lens wearers. And loads of conditioner and frizzease products.

My son used to regularly get out of swimming saying it irritated his excema. But I would not write him a note and told him to put emollient on before and after. I knew he would happily go swimming for pleasure, but just didn't like it at school.

I think allowing them to miss lessons for purely superficial reasons is not on. Swimming is after all a lesson.

I bullying is involved this is a completely different matter.

I used to have a black birthmark on my thigh and I dreaded school swimming 'cos I was convinced all the children were staring at it. My parents had no sympathy for me and refused to write excuse notes, so I learnt to forge my dad's writing and 3 out of 4 times would get myself excused from swimming. I was fine with sport, just couldn't stand being a 'freak'. Now I have a scar instead of the mark and I have been asked about THAT on a number of occasions over the years.
Its really hard to get into someone elses skin and to understand the huge impact something is having on their life for something you consider trivial.

I'm very grateful we've got to key stage 4 and the girls don't have to do swimming anymore.

DD used to get out of it as much as possible, period excuse and I wrote a note once or twice when there was nothing wrong with her. She learnt to swim when she was much younger and loved the water once. I think once girls start their periods they should not be made to go swimming unless they want to. Just sitting out in year 7, when some of her friends didn't was bad enough. She was horrified when I told her we used to have to do it with the boys and all the way through school.