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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Swimming does my daughter have to do it?

114 replies

formidablelady · 01/10/2008 20:13

My daughter is in year 9 and the high school she is at has a pool. She has recently got soft contact lenses and much more aware of her appearance. She refuses to wear her glasses and it takes her a while to put them back in. She only has 15 minutes to change after the lesson. She also has shoulder length curly hair which she styles into ringlets with gel. After she comes out of swimming when it dries it goes into a frizzy ball and looks dreadful (like she has been electrocuted!). I have written to school to say that we don't want her to do swimming. We are happy for her to do any other sport. The teacher has said that she feels she should do it. I know swimming is not compulsory after keystage 2. Does anyone know where we stand with this. Can I refuse and ask for another option. There are no medical grounds. But there are self esteem issues and name calling.

OP posts:

Original poster

formidablelady · 01/10/2008 22:00

Squeakypop does suit if you meet me. Just got bored!

OP posts:

cory · 01/10/2008 22:01

Do you reckon this is the same as Flossie of pizza gate fame? Just seems funny that we should have had two of these educational micromanagers in one evening, both beginning with an f. Will be watching primary section carefully for any revelations by Fluffymum (my apologies if name already taken).

Original poster

formidablelady · 01/10/2008 22:12

Determined to go but just to be crystal clear.

This is not a wind up
I am not Flossie or whoever
I still firmly agree with my daughter.
I am not weak or spineless (see above).
She does not get her own way on everything.
She is a good swimmer.
I regret rising to some of the comments but some people were rather nasty.
Thank you to the people made practical suggestions even if i don't agree with you I appreciate you were trying to help.

OP posts:

annh · 01/10/2008 22:18

Quote from Formidablelady: "I know swimming is not compulsory after keystage 2. Does anyone know where we stand with this. Can I refuse and ask for another option."

Well, I don't quite know why you started this thread! You are obviously determined that your daughter will not do swimming and if swimming is not compulsory and 9 out of 20 girls are already sitting out, then let your dd join them! You don't seem to want suggestions of ways around this, just for everyone to tell you that you were quite right not to let your daughter swim. Surprise, surprise most people disagreed and now you have gone off in a huff because it was not in fact opinions which you were seeking, but validation!

MaryAnnSingleton · 01/10/2008 22:41

it sounds to me as though you are the one who doesn't like your daughter's hair as you keep saying how awful it looks

AbbeyA · 01/10/2008 22:54

Does this rule out a whole host of options like canoeing? I think it is a bit restrictive if your appearance comes before anything else.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 01/10/2008 22:57

I have very curly hair. And contact lenses. I swim in goggles and put my hair up. It sounds like the way she styles her hair isn't practical for school.

I don't think you should facilitate her avoidance of swimming just for the sake of her hair.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

Quattrocento · 01/10/2008 22:59

You're bonkers

Sorry for plain speaking but it's utterly nuts to write in on these grounds. How silly.

swedishmum · 01/10/2008 23:50

FL we had to wear vile brown knickers for PE. I would simply tell my dd (I have 2 of hair-straightening age - one even tried to take GHDs on Scout CAmp to New Forest!) to wear a tight hair bobble on swimming day, and comb through one of the thousands of hair products available afterwards. It really shouldn't be an issue at that age. You are the parent, the teachers do their jobs for a very good reason.

overthehill · 02/10/2008 00:19

We had to wear vile bottle green knickers for PE - and then run through the communal showers with the (butch) PE teacher watching us! It was nightmaringly embarrassing, especially when everyone was at a different stage of development.

My dd's school also has a swimming pool and she (nearly 13) is always complaining about the swimming lessons. She always has her hair in plaits those days as it can get very frizzy too and they only have 5 minutes to change, so I'm sure she'd be green with envy at the thought of 15! But it's never occurred to me that she should not do swimming unless there are obvious medical reasons and so she just has to put up with it, I'm afraid.

twentypence · 02/10/2008 01:13

Please write to the school and tell them what you have told us. They will probably frame it and hang it in the staff room to read if they have a bad day and need a laugh.

All the pupils can't have swimming last.

cory · 02/10/2008 08:18

So given that you are serious and in agreement with your daughter, can you explain why you do not agree with those helpful people who suggested various ways of protecting your daughter's hairstyle and still do swimming? Why do you think it is important that preserving your daughter's hairstyle should take priority?

You keep saying you agree with her, but don't explain why.

notpregyet · 02/10/2008 08:33

I've got curly hair so i do really really understand where she's coming from - it's not just a few tangles, if it comes out the pool and is just left then it looks like a bush and is frankly not suitable for being seen in public!

BUT...

She HAS to learn how to control her hair if it gets a soaking... i would practice with combing through gell with a a wide toothed comb and then plaiting in one or two french plaits. It should be able to stay like that all day.. in the pool and after.

ruddynorah · 02/10/2008 08:36

this is ridiculous.

anyone else see wife swap, maybe the USA one, where the dd who was maybe 13 or 14 got up at 4am every morning to wash and straighten her hair before school because her mum preferred straight hair to curly hair??!

i too have curly hair. and quite honestly you need to help your dd get to grips with what she can do with it. otherwise she is basically living her life around her hair. and that is very sad.

what will she do when she has a school camping trip or wants to do d of e or something? or will she not even entertain these things because of her hair?

what does she do if it's windy or rainy? what does she do if she goes to the beach?

UniversallyChallenged · 02/10/2008 08:40

My hair is very wavy and i had it "permed" straight, last for a year was brill! Maybe she is a little too young for that but a hairdreser could advise.

My dd is same age as yours (and as concerned about her looks )and it is easy for us adults for say "doesnt matter what the outside looks like" etc. It DOES TO THEM and i understand where you are coming from FL- I would try to find a solution too.

I would start from the standpoint that she IS going to swim and go from there. Clips/alice bands in funky colours all help and are acceptable to teenagers these days! Or maybe a bottle of conditioner she can put on hair afterwards that will make it go ringletty and tame it- i find herbal essence relaxes mine straight away and smells divine!

Bucharest · 02/10/2008 08:46

Irrespective of the weird ideas about swimming, I just wonder how any daughter would feel if she knew her mother was making such comments about her hair-when-it's-not-full-of-product. No wonder the poor kid has poor self-esteem.

Might I suggest you read something like "You're my mother, you have to say I'm pretty" It might help you with your strange hang ups about your daughter.

Original poster

formidablelady · 02/10/2008 09:09

I have been in the nursing profession for 20 years and I am amazed by how a lot of people have responded. It is like reading something from the 1950?s. If one of my patients came to me with a complaint no matter how trivial or ?stupid? I thought it was I would do my level best to help resolve it as it obviously wasn?t trivial or stupid to them. In fact we welcome comments, that is how change is affected. Obviously there are times when we cannot deliver everything the patient wants but we try to come to a compromise. If the patient still isn?t happy we tell them the process they have to follow if they want to take this further. I find this playground attitude of name calling and comments that I will be the talk of the staffroom surreal. Is it unrealistic to have confidence that my daughters teachers are more professional than that! I also sincerely hope that the people who are trivialising bullying and name calling do not work with children. I would prefer my daughter not to do swimming but if there is no compromise then she will be forced to do it. I still don?t agree with it though and think it should be an option only. I am not at teacher but if half my class sat out each week I would see that as a big problem and I would be talking to parents and pupils to seek a solution not have the attitude ?its tough?. After all I have read somewhere that P.E. is about confidence building, self esteem and enjoyment. It is failing on all three. Why not give the girls the option to do sport they enjoy if possible. I am deeply disappointed that no one mentioned the word compromise and felt I shouldn?t talk to the teacher about something that is having such a profound effect on my childs mental well being. I find it all very strange indeed??.. PS Thank you for the helpful suggestion Universallychallenged

OP posts:

MrsBates · 02/10/2008 09:36

I get the impression formidablelady is going on about how awful her daughter's hair looks because she is trying to get a point across, not because she thinks her daughter looks horrible. I think it is extremely important to develop self esteem no matter what your looks are but I remember what it was like to feel incredibly self conscious at that age. My brother, who is now a tall, slim, handsome 30 something took years to wear shorts even in the hottest weather because he was bullied and teased for years in every football lesson because of having plump legs. He only started going to the gym in his 30s because the memories of being laughed at were so painful.

I agree that this OP sounds ridiculous at first, but if the experience of going swimming is that painful I think the concern is more than a superficial worry about hairstyles. I don't have an answer but think the hair straightening thing sounds like a way forward.

If I hadn't been told she is already a good swimmer I would have a different, more aggressive response. My daughter survived a drowning last year (still learning to swim - she was 3 at the time) and it was terrifying. Knowing how to swim comes above everything else mentioned but if that is taken care of, dealing with a daughter's anxiety over bullying is top of the list - I think that is really what this post is about.

Original poster

formidablelady · 02/10/2008 09:49

Mrs Bates you hit the nail on the head with your first sentance. I will compromise if I have to but I still think the school should rethink this as it is clearly a big problem not just for my daughter but for many others.
Oh and I have straightened her hair in the past when it was longer but it now sticks out like the girl from crystal tipps and alistair as it is not only curly but ultra thick. When it gets a bit longer it will be much easier as the weight pulls it down and you can plait it.

OP posts:

NorkyButNice · 02/10/2008 09:50

Rubbish! The school has a swimming pool but no shower? Definite trolling.

If this is true, you should concentrate on improving her self-esteem rather than pandering to what sounds vanity.

MaryAnnSingleton · 02/10/2008 09:54

that's a fair point made by MrsBates and am sure that's what formidablelady was getting at ..I very much doubt if anyone here was trivialising bullying and name calling and if her dd is being treated in this way then she should certainly get the school involved. People have offered helpful compromises like the wearing of goggles and tying up hair and smoothing with serum - her hair is part of her and she needs to accept the fact (with her mother's support and positive encouragement) as she's going to have to live with it. Sadly bullying happens and avoiding something because of fear of it is the thin end of the edge imo.

NorkyButNice · 02/10/2008 09:56

And I speak as someone with a half-Afro head of hair that i hate. I still managed to make my county swimming team.

DisasterArea · 02/10/2008 09:56

you know what. i actually agree with OP. i hate swimming in pools because i am fat and look hideous in a swimming costume. at 13 if you can already swim i think a girl should be given the choice whether she wants to or not. some people don't like swimming and choose to execise in a different way.
the fact is if you want to bare your virtually nekkid body to a bunch of people who will criticise and be nasty about how you look, whether because of fatness or frizzy hair is a personal choice. if a girl is that uncomfortable with it she should be allowed to do something alternative.

NorkyButNice · 02/10/2008 09:56

And I speak as someone with a half-Afro head of hair that i hate. I still managed to make my county swimming team.

anyoneelse · 02/10/2008 10:19

Lots of schools dont even do swimming do they and our school pool does not have showers either and has pathetic change areas too.
If the child can already swim why make her life miserable for a whole day every week. Why not make her school years a nicer experience and she can toughen up when she has to.

If the OP wants to she can write a note excusing the child every week - girls this age are getting their periods etc so might have to sit the class out for all sorts of reasons. Maybe she can compromise with the girl and get her to swim once a month to start with and hope that things improve and she can build up to swimming more often? (In the meantime maybe find some goggles and some hair products which reduce the problem with the hair).

Or she can find out her rights as she has tried (and failed) to do on here because almost everyone is all for shooting her down.

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