Year 7 daughter overwhelmed at secondary school despite support in place

[Tinkerin]

My daughter is in yr 7 started well but massively burnt out by around week 2 of term 2….

Since then she’s been getting gradually even more overwhelmed and anxious and exhausted.

Shes not being bullied and she’s is a fairly small school but she says the classes and corridors make her feel that she has to be alert for danger all the time and she’s fine the pressure of all the work overwhelming. Shes not yet found a best friend or small social group so she feels on the edge of groups.

She is having maximum support at school. Transition pass, 5 min to leave the classroom if overwhelmed, can wear PE kit , soft start…

But none of this seems to be working.

She says she needs someone to talk to at school each day but often that can’t be arranged. And even then , I don’t know if that would solve the issue.

Before half term I just couldn’t bare the anguish any more so she had Friday off but now is crying about going back on Monday.

She is getting assessed for adhd / autism next month but until then we can’t be sure of the underlying issues…

Any help / advice would be much appreciated

Thanks 🙏

Yes she’s on waiting list for nhs assessment, however as it’s so long, she’ll be having a private assessment in a month or so.

Did she make in it today?

Any clubs or anything outside of school?

Can you not read? She literally says she’s pursuing diagnosis for both ADHD and Autism in her first post.

She did although she was withdrawn and tense: I didn’t force her but she ‘sucked it up’ she’s used to that approach…. I honestly don’t know which is worse. The outbursts and meltdowns or seeing her so shut down and anxious.

It’s not at all unusual for ASD kids.
I work in pastoral care in a secondary school and would strongly advise that you don’t give her any more days off. I know it’s hard and have every sympathy 🥹🩷 But you wouldn’t believe the slippery slope that it can quickly become. I see it all the time, sadly.
Every secondary school in Scotland now has what’s called a Wellbeing Hub. Is there no equivalent to this in England?

@Tinkerinreduced timetable 100% the way to go. Well planned and managed can turn everything around.

This was me when I was in school. I couldn’t (and still can’t) explain to anyone why I didn’t like it and I just couldn’t cope being there. Every day I’d get on the bus and convince myself I was going to do a full day but sometimes I didn’t even make it inside the school when I got off the bus, on a good day I might stay until first break. As an adult I was diagnosed with AuDHD and it sort of made sense to me. My Ds also experienced the same problems and has been diagnosed with autism and is waiting for an ADHD test. I can’t offer any advice but you sound very supportive, I never had that and ADHD and autism wasn’t heard of as much back then.

It’s worth a try for sure. Don’t force her and if she needs a day off that’s OK.

Like a PP my AuADHD child is doing a lot better since starting ADHD meds, they can think clearly so have less anxiety.

So she’s now not been able to go in last couple of days due to practically hyperventilating in the car so I didn’t want to force her.

it’s obviously now shifted into school avoidance / refusal. But how can I make my own child go somwherw she feels so unsafe?

im now worried I’m making things worse.

any tips on next steps? Try a new school?

Sadly a new school (of a similar size / type rarely works) . Keep in close contact with the school and read up all you can on EBSA. I would get the EHCP application underway. Don’t wait for the school to apply. Inform yourself and if you haven’t already 100% join the not fine in school Facebook group. It’s invaluable. You are right not to force her in and in most cases it’s ‘can’t not wont’ .

There’s another nearby school which had much less kids due to a bad ofsted rating which is now very good. Could this be an option? Think they have only 17 kids per class and about 400 in entire school including 6th form…

obviously the risk is starting all over again not knowing a soul and I don’t think they have as much pastoral support in the place. However she may not need it if the environment feels more calm and safe for her..:

@Tinkerin - it could work but as you say it could not. And there is always that risk. It’s commonly thought that if the issue comes from within re EBSA then a change of school (unless it’s a SEN or school with special provision) is often not the answer. However I’m sure it must work for some. Alongside that, I guess you don’t know if your DD is autistic but a lot of the sensory and other issues she had suggest that she is - it’s the ability to enter into a new environment that brings additional risk.

2 things I would do in your shoes (as well as the other things i mentioned- it can feel like a full time job) .. is - book a meeting (if you can get one) with the other school - ideally with someone from SEN in there and knowing what you do now, ask some pretty direct questions about how they deal with EBSA - their strategies, more importantly what provisions are in place and their success in dealing with it.
If you have a local forum I would pose the questions on there to see what other’s experiences are. A lot of schools look as if they have fantastic provision for these things on their website but the reality is often different.

However before you do any of this - I’d have a chat with your DD about it - very gently - not saying it will happen or can happen but that you are just having a think about how you can best support her and that popped into your head as a possibility amongst other things. She’ll have to be open to the idea in the first place. Good luck

She’s had a look round and she said she’s like it but is worried about not making friends…

Regarding support, they were honest and said unless she has a EHCP they can’t provide much more than the standard and perhaps even less than what she has in place now. However, she struggled in yr 5 with similar issues but of a lesser degree and as soon as she moved classroom to a bigger space. The issues resolved.

thanks for all the help! :)

I am sorry things are getting worse. My 11 yo (12 next week) hasn't been into school for the last 4 weeks. I wish when he started struggling we had asked for a reduced timetable then. School have offered 10 -2 or just going in for classes he likes but he just can't. I am going to contact his school and LA to get the EHCNA process started.

She should be evaluated for ADHD and or autism.

She has assessments booked!

She’s gone in today fine and agreed to giving her best shot at 10am starts - see if that helps.

school will be checking in with her daily as well.

ive also started the application for EHCP which you can do yourself as a parent! So that’s all in process…

fingers crossed we can get to end of term!

what a year! 😂

Yes this will give us some clarity xx

Unfortunately the school won’t authorize a reduced timetable as she doesn’t have an echo ? Is this the norm?

I’ve just said that it’s better that than not going in at all so what else can I do?

they’ll just have to unauthorize it…

Reduced timetable guidance for schools in Devon - Support for schools and settings https://share.google/41IOaFzEV9QyisMaV

This is quite useful OP. Have a look and see what's on your LA website. I think you should also post on the Facebook group Not Fine in School.

Just a quick update regarding the school attendance situation.

After a lot of distress around school attendance, including hyperventilation before school and increasing anxiety, I suggested a temporary 10am start. The difference has actually been noticeable. My daughter says the later start is helping her manage the overwhelm and rebuild her resilience, and I’ve seen a positive change at home too.

The school responded to say they could not authorise a later start, but instead offered a reduced timetable by allowing her to leave at 1.25pm each day. Their view is that reducing the overall length of the day by 90 minutes would achieve the same outcome whilst still allowing access to morning pastoral support and a soft start.

I replied explaining that the mornings are actually the main issue. The benefit doesn’t just come from spending less time in school; it comes from the extra hour of sleep, reduced morning pressure and lower anxiety before school. I’ve also explained that an earlier finish wouldn’t be practical for us every day and would mean missing social opportunities at school, which are important for her confidence and sense of belonging.

I’ve made it clear that I’m trying to strike a balance between protecting her mental health and keeping her engaged in education. At the moment, she feels that 10am is the maximum she can tolerate, whereas the alternative may be non-attendance altogether.

The school have been supportive and I do feel they’re trying to work with us, but we’re currently at a bit of an impasse about whether the reduction should come from the start of the day or the end of the day.

I’ve said I’ll follow up with the GP and provide any medical evidence I can.

Has anyone else had a school agree to an early finish but not a later start? How did you navigate it?