Year 7 daughter overwhelmed at secondary school despite support in place

[Tinkerin]

My daughter is in yr 7 started well but massively burnt out by around week 2 of term 2….

Since then she’s been getting gradually even more overwhelmed and anxious and exhausted.

Shes not being bullied and she’s is a fairly small school but she says the classes and corridors make her feel that she has to be alert for danger all the time and she’s fine the pressure of all the work overwhelming. Shes not yet found a best friend or small social group so she feels on the edge of groups.

She is having maximum support at school. Transition pass, 5 min to leave the classroom if overwhelmed, can wear PE kit , soft start…

But none of this seems to be working.

She says she needs someone to talk to at school each day but often that can’t be arranged. And even then , I don’t know if that would solve the issue.

Before half term I just couldn’t bare the anguish any more so she had Friday off but now is crying about going back on Monday.

She is getting assessed for adhd / autism next month but until then we can’t be sure of the underlying issues…

Any help / advice would be much appreciated

Thanks 🙏

What I read what a child who has been happy and settled until last few weeks coinciding with friendship issues

very very different to what sounds like a very very sad situation with your child

But the measures etc has only happened in the last few weeks . Since the friendship issues

If she was very happy with it all she wouldn’t have ‘things in place’. My child is doing so much better out of school and is now diagnosed. Still has lessons at home and still does things and goes out.

We were worried about our child starting secondary. It seemed to start OK, but we had concerns. It quickly went downhill, stupidly didn’t know they were ND, just knew something was wrong. These large school settings are just too much on their nervous systems. Follow your gut and maybe look for a smaller school to try. We found out the hard way.

It’s the ND. The masking progressively gets harder and harder till they burnout and drop out. At least that’s what happened to our child.

The measures are for ND, you don’t get those kind of ‘measures’ like a hall pass or to be able to leave a classroom when they feel overwhelmed because they haven’t got friends. It’s nothing to do with that. The terms burnout, struggling with the corridors (sensory) are ND clues.

Good to hear from someone who gets it. Sadly the only smaller school was a grammar that she passed the test for but didn't get in due to distance. It would have been perfect for her and she is on the waiting list but no real chance of getting a place. I have zero faith in the education system and your post plus OPs just makes me feel like she doesn't stand a chance.

Glad to hear your child is diagnosed before secondary. I did try to get mine assessed, but primary school didn’t support it at all. It made me doubt myself. You’ll get the support needed before she starts and things start to decline. We were too late then had months of severe burnout and if others think burnout is a bit of tiredness, think again. I wish you and your DD the best of luck.

Really sorry to hear that things are tricky. On my phone so cannot easily link but I really recommend posting on Not Fine in School. They have a great Facebook page. I empathise.

Sounds very similar to my DD who is now 18 but was diagnosed AUDHD at 15.

Her school life was very patchy and she really struggled. A great masker so it took a while for me to figure out what it was. Don’t force her in. This resulted in my DD having autistic burnout (depression and serious mental health issues) with no school for 2-3 years.

What she’s wants in school - my DD did have - it was thé pastoral care lead who she built up a brilliant relationship with and could wander into her office at any time. Whilst this was brilliant - the focus was very much on giving her the tools to survive / stay in school which I wouldn’t question - but it was all of the coping / tools/ masking that led her to burn out. A very high % of ‘school refusers’ are autistic.

I sometimes wonder if I could have done anything differently- but I don’t know what that would be other than on line schooling which she was very anti so I don’t think it would have worked anyway.

You have my sympathies OP but I can’t stress enough how important it is not to force her in. Ditto don’t listen to peoples’ advice on here or anywhere else about removing devices, not letting them see friends even if they haven’t gone to school. In most cases it’s ‘can’t not wont’ and punishing them isn’t the way forward.

I also second the brilliant Facebook group ‘not fine in school’ .. a fantastic source of information and very supportive.

I struggled during year 7. I don't think it would have been apparent to my parents but I used to hang around the library a lot because I didn't really know what to do with myself. But by the end of the year I really was starting to make friends. We actually then ended up moving across the country so I had to start again and again it was rough at first but I did make friends in the end.

I would ask school to stop adding more generic support for a moment and map the day. Which two points are actually breaking her: corridors, lunch, first lesson, homework volume, noise, or the journey in? Then agree one fixed named-adult check-in and one reduced-demand plan for the worst slot. Keep a short diary of triggers, sleep, attendance and recovery time before the assessment.

She isn’t getting the maximum support. If she had an EHCP everything could be listed and funded.

The issues the people and the environment are key here.

Even if she got a diagnosis of ASD that doesn’t really matter as nothing more can be done (unlike adhd meds etc)

Nearly the end of the year if she can keep going or if she is done hopefully yr8 a new start.

Keep a written record - always email a teacher.
Get a meeting booked in with the senco via an email.

Every communication has to be email from now on so nothing can come back on you

The op should clarify whether these measures have always been in place or ever since the last few weeks and the sidelining by friends has occurred

Nowadays, mumsnet would have diagnosed you as ND 🙄

This isn’t a large school setting as clarified by the Op

is the school private @Tinkerin ?

See how she goes in the next term and next year and continue taking the same approach. She may settle or it may be that secondary school isn't for her at all. It didn't suit DD2 but she enjoys working.

Yeah, it's not about friends per se. DD2 is very sociable anyway but also AuADHD.

No it’s a state school but only 700 kids. Still 30 per classroom though x

They’ve always been in place. The friendship things is a separate but compounding issue x

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5484488-ehcp-support-thread-no-6?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share hi OP, sorry to hear this. Unfortunately this is very common with autistic girls. You should request an EHCP. You can do it yourself by writing to your LA. You don't have to wait for the school to do it. All the info you need is on the IPSEA website.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5484488-ehcp-support-thread-no-6?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share hi OP, sorry to hear this. Unfortunately this is very common with autistic girls. You should request an EHCP. You can do it yourself by writing to your LA. You don't have to wait for the school to do it. All the info you need is on the IPSEA website.

So all these measures out in place but no diagnosis pursued?

Yes, they are basically giving her the max support they can as she is so anxious by all the sensory stimuli

But no diagnosis pursued by you and / or the school?