Daughter being excluded from prom

[user1471497170]

My daughter is year 11 and sits GCSEs next month. She has struggled throughout the whole of secondary school with friendships, MH/school anxiety, behaviour and approximately a year ago almost got sent to pru. She has never settled in school. However she has made significant improvement, not on any behaviour plan, is revising hard and should pass GCSEs and do her chosen subjects in college.

She has autism, anxiety and some physical health issues that are likely linked. Getting her into school is a struggle as she feels unhappy there but we make the effort and her attendance is good.

Although much improved her behaviour score is not high enough to meet the 90% prom threshold (reminders, uniform points and gokng to toilet when not permitted). She was informally told this week the final decision is that she will be excluded from prom.

Now all the girls have their tickets and she is beside herself. They are all making plans and talking about dresses and she now feels unable to continue going to school due to feeling so distressed about this. She is worried how she will cope with the sense of exclusion having to keep hearing about prom in school and assemblies

She's now at home. I have written to the school and submitted 2 complaints over the last 2 months however I have not received a satisfactory response. There has been no communication to me from the school about their decision or how they will support those excluded. Please can someone advise how I can escalate this further and if possible externally.

What's cruel about it? This won't be out of the blue. It will have been threatened and incentivised repeatedly. She will have been given way more chances than anyone else. Why should she still get to go?

I'm autistic.

One of my personality traits is rule following.

I never, not once, got in trouble at school. No detentions, negative points, missed playtimes etc from age 4 to 18.

Lots of autistic children are the same.

Are you a bit naive?
It sounds like DD's behaviour has been quite bad.

Personal;y I think prom should be open to all children and not based on points/attendance etc. There are other ways of promoting those. Nobody can know what’s going on for a child at home, or why their attendance is poor. Preventing them from going to prom only serves to reinforce the message that they are a loser, that any effort they’ve ever made was pointless, so what’s the point of even trying. It’s cruel. However, I’d hate for a kid to ruin it for another because of bullying. In those cases I guess a ban is right.

Let me know when this is planned for, I'll get the popcorn. It would be more ridiculous than Eastenders.

Dear god. You need help. And I'm speaking as an autistic person myself.

I think what some people are forgetting on this thread is the requirement is for reasonable adjustments.

Reasonable.

You do not know from what the OP has said that these have not been applied. It doesn't mean that her DD can behave badly and not have any consequences for that but they reasonably adjust any consequences to account for her disability.

Which if they hadn't by this point, why the hell has the OP taken till now to act?

Maybe you give the benefit of any doubt that some may have.

And maybe the school already has?

Being autistic isn't an excuse to just do what you want how is she going to cope in college or a workplace.

You're part of the problem.
Describing ND behaviour that children and young people display as 'bad', when these children are forced to comply with a rigid and inflexible education system built for NT kids and which punishes ND kids, and which causes ND kids to act out their inner feelings in response to how they're being made to feel by not being able to comply with the system, kids who cannot regulate their emotions being labelled as 'bad', is part of the problem.

She’s not being prevented from going to the prom due to her autism etc. it is due to her behaviour. Given what we know about autism rates she won’t be the only autistic kid in year 11 and I bet there are other autistic kids going.
FWIW I am the parent of an autistic dd and also a teacher. I am not sure why being autistic prevents a child from asking permission to go to the toilet. It is possible to be both naughty and autistic.

A lot of posters on here as well as people I know in real life who have ADHD and autism have openly said that they have no issue following rules and not getting into trouble.
Food for thought there?
The OP's daughter's behaviour improved nearer prom time.
Coincidence? Could she really control her behaviour all along?
Either way, actions have consequences and it's a good lesson to learn.
I'm definitely not part of the problem, i'm not important enough to be.

They either need to have reasonable adjustments or make inclusive policies. The should not create policies which unfairly discriminate against 20%, 5% or even .5% of pupils

So all the people saying she can't help it she's autistic. So all autistic people are perfectly behaved and any negative behaviour is their autism. So there can't be consequences as its unfair. I think we are starting to understand why some ND children are so badly behaved

No you're part of the problem.
It's possible to be both autistic and badly behaved. People who use autism as an excuse when the child is capable of better, do more harm than anyone. And given her recent improvements it's clear this is something she has the ability to control.

As an autistic secondary school teacher I would expect you to be knowledgeable about masking. It is entirely possible that she has managed to mask through some of her difficulties for a short space of time (a great personal cost)

Sometimes asking to use the toilet can be a barrier in itself but that doesn't mean you don't need the toilet. Also lots of instances where young people have wet themselves in high school or had periods leek through clothes be ause the tea her has refused them to go to the toilet or they have been too scared to ask.

It’s not about attendance. At least read the OP.

Sometimes one reads a post, like this nugget from @Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread and I’m just left thinking - how the fu*k does this person get on in life? Likely Answer: with extreme difficulty

Thank you for that. You worded it better than me.

Fear of being told off for asking, fear of the teacher, observation of peers being told no harshly when the have asked.
Situational mutism.
Not wanting to draw attention to themselves in class.

So so many reasons

My DD didn't drink any fluids in school for fear of needing the toilet and having an accident if the teacher refused. That would be if she was even able to ask in the first place which was highly unlikely

None of us can know what OP child behaviour was like but it is well known that autistic young people are being failed by schools up and down the country on a daily basis

Some people on this thread seem to think that an autistic child can’t possibly be badly behaved and it’s always their autism causing the problem, never their own behavioural choice. When does this stop? When they turn 18? 20? 25? If an autistic 18 year old stabs and kills another human being, is that simply their autism acting rather than them? This is a dangerously slippery slope.
It’s this thinking that has got society into the state it’s in.

Im autistic and managed to behave myself in school, because there were very strong consequences at home if I didn’t. I hate this notion that all autistic children are naughty and not in control of their own actions. It’s frankly insulting.

Being autistic, you’re aware the spectrum covers a wide variety of manifestations and behaviour patterns.

This really is genuinely cruel. I despair of some schools’ attitudes these days - I genuinely don’t think this would have happened twenty years ago, when we had less understanding of neurodivergence than we do now. Where is the humanity?

I agree with this. With the attendance stuff thers nothing to gain they are leaving the school. Dds attendance is not the best mental health and illness all authorised. A friend of hers was in hospital for 2 weeks they can't go because of that. Dd is not going either.
Shes not overly bothered.

But I do think its wrong. Schools put children through alot of stress. And all the stress and hard work of their GCSES. Its not going to happen again and its meant to be special. Celebrate their time in school. Their achievements and friendships.