Daughter being excluded from prom

[user1471497170]

My daughter is year 11 and sits GCSEs next month. She has struggled throughout the whole of secondary school with friendships, MH/school anxiety, behaviour and approximately a year ago almost got sent to pru. She has never settled in school. However she has made significant improvement, not on any behaviour plan, is revising hard and should pass GCSEs and do her chosen subjects in college.

She has autism, anxiety and some physical health issues that are likely linked. Getting her into school is a struggle as she feels unhappy there but we make the effort and her attendance is good.

Although much improved her behaviour score is not high enough to meet the 90% prom threshold (reminders, uniform points and gokng to toilet when not permitted). She was informally told this week the final decision is that she will be excluded from prom.

Now all the girls have their tickets and she is beside herself. They are all making plans and talking about dresses and she now feels unable to continue going to school due to feeling so distressed about this. She is worried how she will cope with the sense of exclusion having to keep hearing about prom in school and assemblies

She's now at home. I have written to the school and submitted 2 complaints over the last 2 months however I have not received a satisfactory response. There has been no communication to me from the school about their decision or how they will support those excluded. Please can someone advise how I can escalate this further and if possible externally.

Are behaviour plans the way forward for pupils with behaviour so extreme they will.be removed from going to prom?

Depends on the pupil and the behaviour.

Which is why this discussion has had such varied response because it isn't standard system. Meaning one pupil could be excluded from prom for a minor behaviour and a different pupil could be included for a major issue.

Hardly fair or consistent

My mother parent of 5 was very clear about socialising as a fundamental. She did not believe in withdrawing social or community events neither would she humiliate us in social situations. She went to a lot of trouble to plan around grandkids. It surprises me a lot when adults think withdrawing socialising- leaving kids out punitively - is a valid sanction. Adults should be building social confidence. ( Within safety limits) That's my experience.

I quote from the letter for my DS's prom:

"To ensure the event is safe and enjoyable for everyone, we have set clear expectations around behaviour and conduct.... Prom is a privilege, and attendance depends on students demonstrating the maturity and responsibility expected at a supervised school event. In some cases, students may not be able to attend if there are serious behaviour concerns, ongoing poor behaviour, or any safeguarding issues."

I don't think the above is unfair and my point in including it is it's a typical approach which sounds like what has happened here. I also think some people on this thread who disagree believe that just because there is a diagnosis of ND, it automatically makes disinviting such a child discriminatory. I do not believe that and in the absence of the OP coming back to explain why she suddenly is claiming unfairness when a reward has been taken away rather than when sanctions are given, we're not going to know.

I think it sounds very grudging and a bit fearful. It's got that mix of ' we are doing you a favour and making a big effort' and ' we are separating the sheep from the goats'.
Safeguarding issues or safety issues are not a threat. Life is difficult enough.
Have a risk assessment which includes mitigation measure with parent if possible. And have those discussions before the invite goes out.
They could simply say - "we want to strive to be as inclusive as possible, but we have to work within safety limits for all children. Due to safety and supervision requirements it may not work for all individuals and in that event we have already informed families."

Maybe think of an alternative for those kids. And the communication with them. Not sure what that could be but something that conveys the message- they are valued despite difficulties without sounding trite. It doesn't have to be expensive.

This may well not be how the teacher is feeling and that's understandable. Teachers also need to feel valued as well as pay , conditions, etc. That's why you need a strong SLT.

It is a massive favour, imagine organising a huge party at an external venue for 180 people with jo extra pay or time. Then ask others to volunteer their time to supervise.

The other kids get all the other transition events, shirt signing, assembly, leavers books.

You're sewing your take based on your experience with what sounds like a child with severe SEN who didn't get banned from prom.

Ime it's rare kids with SEN get banned from prom. If they do, it's because their behaviour has gone over and above the SEN allowances and into choice behaviour.

Fwiw safeguarding issues are a huge risk and some cannot be mitigated against, especially when staff are there under their own volition. I wouldn't take on responsibility for a flight risk assessed child at prom. It's my free time, sod that!

I'm going to draw a parallel between prom and voluntary revision lessons. They both rely on staff goodwill.

Last school I was at cancelled them all because a minority of students were rude in them and wouldn't leave. Slt said to parents no more revision sessions then because they valued our time.

Your assumptions about me are wrong and I haven't talked about any child with SEND or any individual child. I don't have a child who was excluded from a prom.
I haven't told anyone they can manage a ' flight risk' we don't even know if the OP s child is that.
But since you mentioned it in my opinion a flight risk could be risk assessed separately since a prom is not a school lesson and might be mitigated with parental.presence where they take the responsibility perhaps depending on relations with the parent. . That might reduce the need to exclude.

Someone said 2-3 percent excluded - are we talking about three or four pupils in any year group? So can easily be managed with specific risk assessment and not a high rate of exclusion.
On it being a favour- voluntary- is there any respect do you think in which this has contributed to a sense of the right to use the prom to label 2 or 3 children as mature or not? Why do that in the letter?
In my kids school The parents buy the books and T -shirts.

I can only say - it seems very unreasonable to expect this level of unpaid work out of hours. Maybe needs to be re - thought nationally.

I really appreciate your work with children. You may get it wrong you may not keep.everyone happy and every now and then it may feel like an enormous f up - but you keep doing it and that's something relatively few people can say they have achieved, despite all those difficulties. Teachers - especially good ones - are rare people.

So can easily be managed with specific risk assessment and not a high rate of exclusion.

No, the risk shouldn't be there in the first place. Get it wrong in school and you can't go to prom.

Would you argue for an underperforming staff member to get a bonus?

So refuse to do it.
Surely the hoodies, shirt signing and other stuff is enough for all pupils.
Why bother if their I no advantage of prom and it's such an extra hassle for staff.

Just say you won't do it

Some do refuse. Some refuse to go on trips as well.

I have at times when students have been allowed in that's shouldn't be there.

At other times I happily attend because it's an event to celebrate those who deserve it

Very sensible of you to refuse to take part under those circumstances, Happytaytos; that's your professional reputation on the line if something goes wrong, and hoping for any back up or acceptance of responsibility from the parents would be pointless

So - at least IME - is involving parents by asking them to atttend, when there's every chance they'll promise the earth to secure what's wanted and then simply fail to turn up

That’s because schools operate autonomously. Same is true of workplaces. There’s no mechanism (or reason) for it to be ‘fair’ between schools as long as each school is transparent about it’s own policy and applies it fairly - which seems to have happened here as far as we can tell from the OP’s hazy explanation.

Again. It’s not a sanction. It’s a reward for those who earn it. You don’t seem able to take this on board.

I think what @Warmlight1 means is that it should be an "all or nothing" approach. either the school doesn't host a prom party at all—which was the norm in UK 30 years ago and still is for some schools today—or, if they do hold one, they must invite every student, provided there are no safety risks. warmlight1 is completely opposed to the idea of the prom acting as a purely incentive or reward system, which I think is a fair point. Yes, most UK schools DO treat the prom as a reward, but that doesn't mean it SHOULD be handled that way.

I had a prom (by another name) in 1983 so it’s not new. You would really deny a reward to the overwhelming majority because you think it’s not fair that those who show themselves risky in some way can’t go? Seems much more unfair to me. Best do away with bonuses and pay increases for achievement at work then - can’t unfairly reward hard workers. And charge everyone the same for car insurance - can’t unfairly reward good drivers.

Rewards are typically seen as something earned by a few, but when 98% of a group receives them, they become the expected norm. For the remaining 2%, the absence of that reward feels like a sanction, regardless of how it is framed. It is similar to a workplace where nearly everyone receives a pay raise and you are the only one who doesn't because you were late several times, it feels less like a missed bonus and more like a penalty.

More importantly, this creates a sense of social exclusion. For example, if almost an entire family is invited to a major gathering and you are left out, the feeling of unfairness remains even if your past behavior was at fault. While adults usually have the emotional maturity to process such exclusion, for adolescents, being socially sidelined can have lasting negative effects on their development and well-being.

I don't like the "all or nothing" apporach, but I would suggest giving kids with behavioural issues a second chance. Instead of the outright ban, the school could offer an alternative way for students to earn back their place at the prom. Schools should be very careful in using a major milestone like prom as a tool for behavior modification, even if it is framed as a reward, which could be counterproductive and not the best educational choice.

Yes the problem with rewarding is those who aren't rewarded are being punished

The same goes for attendance certificates at school. When majority of the school get this but a few don't it feels isolating. In some schools this also results in special treats for those who get high attendance. Being left out of these events will feel like a punishment for the child regardless of if school think it's a reward

Generally children absence from primary school is for genuine reasons. It is usually beyond the child's decision.
Ill health - shouldn't be punished
Family circumstances such as death of a family member should be punished
Even if the parents are lazy and won't do the school run everyday or going on holiday the child isn't making that choice

Being healthy isn't something to reward it's just luck

Generally children absence from primary school is for genuine reasons. It is usually beyond the child's decision. @Leftrightmiddle

I have a question about attendance. Are state schools generally stricter than independent schools, or is it simply that secondary school is more rigorous than primary? My child attends a private primary school where we haven't encountered any punishment issues (detention, meeting the parents etc) over the past six years, even though she is often late and sometimes we leave school early for holidays. Would things change significantly if she moved to a private or grammar school for secondary?

You shouldn't get a work bonus if you were late several times. Unless the lateness was totally outwith your control, which would be unlikely repeatedly.

I think you're missing the nuance of school that the excluded children will have been given chance after chance after chance to get it right. They will have had support, behaviour plans, probably some time out of school, often support from external services etc and still they get it wrong.

The OP mentioned that her daughter was suddenly told she isn't invited to the prom because her behavior score fell below 90%. It was very blunt—none of the cautious, repetitive checking or second chances you mentioned. I would totally support the school if they had done everything possible and still found her behaviour unacceptable.

Do you seriously think that those not allowed the reward of prom attendance have NOT been given countless "second chances"?

Schools are mostly very anti time off for any reason (primary or secondary)
We have personally had harassment over attendance for medical reasons (including while in hospital)

I know of someone who was being harassed while their child was being diagnosed with a tumor and a different family who were asking a family with a child in PICU when do they think they can come in. Those are extreme cases

But yes even for known illness some schools can be awful about attendance. Not all schools obviously but all schools are under pressure for attendance figures