Hello everyone, I’m looking for advice from any mums who’ve been through something similar or who know the independent school scene locally.
My daughter is in Year 9 at Queenswood and has become increasingly unhappy over the last year. The issues are mainly around friendships: she was in a rather toxic group in Year 8, managed to move away from that drama, but now describes herself as a “floater” with no close friends. The school has a large intake of girls who speak Mandarin as a first language, and while my daughter has no personal issue with them, many of those girls mostly socialise with one another and don’t mix much with the wider year group, which makes it even harder for her to find new friends. There is also a visible clique of girls from London who come across as very focused on appearance and social status, hang out only with each other on the weekends and while happy to spend time with my DD at school, they never ask her to join them on their days out etc. There have also been occasional bullying, frequent excluding behaviours and a lot of girls’ drama which she isn’t part of anymore, but which affects the general mood of the whole year group. Academically she’s top set in Maths, average in English, loves science and is generally learning well, but the social side is taking a big toll. Teachers always tell me that she is well liked, but it’s not how she feels and describes herself as nobody’s “first choice” which is really sad for me to hear.
A lot of girls left Queenswood at the end of Year 8 (some moved abroad, some to London schools) and my daughter hears from them that they’re happier now, which hasn’t helped her mood. We’re not considering a move to London.
What I’m after is practical help on three things:
- Has anyone moved their daughter out of Queenswood for similar reasons? If so, where did you move to and how did it go in terms of friendship, pastoral support and settling in?
- Which independent schools (girls’ or coed) in Hertfordshire (happy to consider further afield, except London) would you recommend for a Year 9 or Year 10 transfer? I’m especially interested in schools known for a friendly atmosphere, visible pastoral care, and systems that help new girls settle (buddy schemes, small tutor groups, strong wellbeing teams).
- Any practical tips for supporting a daughter who’s drifting socially after leaving a toxic friendship group ?
If it helps with replies, a bit more about DD: she’s friendly, bubbly, can be loud and easily distracted by what’s going on around her, doesn’t have a close confidante since leaving the previous group, and is academically capable (especially in Maths and science). We’re open to a move now into Year 9 or waiting until the start of Year 10 if that’s a better transition.
What would really help me: names of schools with strong reputations for pastoral care and kindness, where kids are generally friendly, first‑hand accounts of moving schools at this stage, and specific, practical actions that helped other girls rebuild friendship groups and confidence.
Thank you so much in advance — I’d really appreciate personal experiences, honest impressions, and any tips you found useful.