Moving schools in year 9 (currently at Queenswood)

[MotherOfDD]

Hello everyone, I’m looking for advice from any mums who’ve been through something similar or who know the independent school scene locally.

My daughter is in Year 9 at Queenswood and has become increasingly unhappy over the last year. The issues are mainly around friendships: she was in a rather toxic group in Year 8, managed to move away from that drama, but now describes herself as a “floater” with no close friends. The school has a large intake of girls who speak Mandarin as a first language, and while my daughter has no personal issue with them, many of those girls mostly socialise with one another and don’t mix much with the wider year group, which makes it even harder for her to find new friends. There is also a visible clique of girls from London who come across as very focused on appearance and social status, hang out only with each other on the weekends and while happy to spend time with my DD at school, they never ask her to join them on their days out etc. There have also been occasional bullying, frequent excluding behaviours and a lot of girls’ drama which she isn’t part of anymore, but which affects the general mood of the whole year group. Academically she’s top set in Maths, average in English, loves science and is generally learning well, but the social side is taking a big toll. Teachers always tell me that she is well liked, but it’s not how she feels and describes herself as nobody’s “first choice” which is really sad for me to hear.

A lot of girls left Queenswood at the end of Year 8 (some moved abroad, some to London schools) and my daughter hears from them that they’re happier now, which hasn’t helped her mood. We’re not considering a move to London.

What I’m after is practical help on three things:

1. Has anyone moved their daughter out of Queenswood for similar reasons? If so, where did you move to and how did it go in terms of friendship, pastoral support and settling in?
2. Which independent schools (girls’ or coed) in Hertfordshire (happy to consider further afield, except London) would you recommend for a Year 9 or Year 10 transfer? I’m especially interested in schools known for a friendly atmosphere, visible pastoral care, and systems that help new girls settle (buddy schemes, small tutor groups, strong wellbeing teams).
3. Any practical tips for supporting a daughter who’s drifting socially after leaving a toxic friendship group ?

If it helps with replies, a bit more about DD: she’s friendly, bubbly, can be loud and easily distracted by what’s going on around her, doesn’t have a close confidante since leaving the previous group, and is academically capable (especially in Maths and science). We’re open to a move now into Year 9 or waiting until the start of Year 10 if that’s a better transition.

What would really help me: names of schools with strong reputations for pastoral care and kindness, where kids are generally friendly, first‑hand accounts of moving schools at this stage, and specific, practical actions that helped other girls rebuild friendship groups and confidence.

Thank you so much in advance — I’d really appreciate personal experiences, honest impressions, and any tips you found useful.

I would second St Chris in Letchworth. DD did very well there. The headteacher is fab and the pastoral care was outstanding, particularly for boarders.

We experienced similar with current y9 DC and know parents of kids in several schools having the same issues. We made the decision for dc to start at a small rural boarding school in sep and it has definitely been the right decision. There probably be issues along the way, but so far dc has increased massively in confidence. With one form intake, they have to pull together instead of step on each other for sports etc & I think issues would be more visible.

@Ghostsghoulsteenagers WA does have a 13 plus intake. Not sure when registration is though. Plus it’s a stretch from Q to very high achieving WA.

Mumsnet is great for people with no actual experience of a school suddenly becoming experts on it. @OhDear111 is making comments based on her daughters experiences - who left the school more years ago than the OPs child has been alive. In fact, technically her daughters are old enough to have their own children at secondary school by now………

The OPs daughter is experiencing things and situations that happen at lots of private schools and is not unique to Queenswood. It may well be that moving her is the right decision, but I do object a bit when people are painting a picture of a school that is not true.

The school is not on some sort of downward academic trajectory. It has been pretty much non selective for many years. They have a wide range of academic abilities and a huge subject offering to support this. Yes some girls like Media Studies. We shouldn’t be clutching at pearls and running to the hills because of it. Over 50% of the current sixth form are taking at least one STEM subject at A-level.

There are also some very clever girls there who go onto get amazing results in national exams. For sixth form they have girls moving to grammars and top London academic schools including UCS, Highgate, St Albans etc. A bright girl who wanted to move to WA would have no problems or it be a “stretch”. They also have a contingent of very bright girls stay on. I can assure you the better results are not just being achieved by international girls.

All instances of bullying or other bad behaviour are dealt with appropriately by the school if they are made aware of it. I know of girls who were asked to leave where their behaviour did not improve. But girls partying outside school etc happens everywhere. Look at Aldenham, Mill Hill, Haileybury, Berkhamsted - exactly the same going on. It doesn’t make them bad schools or toxic environments.

There are lots of very sweet, kind and down to earth girls there as well as the “cool mean girl” type the OP has a problem with. To basically say the school is full of rude, rich, and not very bright girls is rather offensive and not a true reflection.

@MotherOfDD You have been given some great recommendations of schools by others and I hope you find the right solution for your daughter. It may well be that a move is what she needs. I just don’t want your decision to be swayed by toxic and untrue commentary from others.

@RatherBeOnVacation My daughter's closest friends are currently in Year 11 Queenswood and I must say the feedback about the school is overwhelmingly positive and mirrors your post. Those we know are VERY bright and are aiming for the top grades and universities. Also, all the parents we know want the girls to stay on for Sixth Form. The only girl we know who wants to leave wants to be in a mixed school.

@MotherOfDD Another criticism of my historic critique of the school! A very dedicated cheerleader I think you will find! This one always appears but has a DD who got all the plaudits and sails along on the crest of the Q wave, as some do. They never notice anyone else! This is exactly what I’m saying. Nothing whatsoever has changed.

It’s never been a school that admits there are issues and deals with them because it circles the wagons and gets the cheerleaders out. These are the parents of the favoured dd. Always were. They are not best placed to understand the position of others because their DDs get the scholarships, principals awards and the plaudits. Their DDs have found their tribe snd simply don’t see others being excluded. They aren’t aware of what’s going on and making other DDs leave. They care even less.

As for academics - any glance at results over a 15 year period will tell you a story and so will university destinations. There’s been a noticeable decline in DDs going to the best universities but of course a few high flyers are there, but they always have been. There used to be more. Few private schools have seen their results get worse over this period. Check it out if you don’t believe me.

None of us want our DDs to be left out and unhappy. The number of sweet, kind and down to earth girls might be in any school, but if they don’t befriend a DD and leave her out, they aren’t that sweet (ugh) and certainly aren’t kind. And I can say that as a parent whose DDs are not as young as they once were!

Thank you very much all.

@RatherBeOnVacationyour comments are very informative and helpful. Is your DD at Q as well? You have a very up to date knowledge which is really valuable.

I must say I do not have a problem with the school as such, and while they have been trying to deal with multiple issues with mixed results, I do not think the school is bad. There are a few outstanding teachers and the head of pastoral is great in my opinion. Like@RatherBeOnVacationsays - the “mean girls’” is what makes me doubt many things, but you are right, it might be a common issue happening in multiple private schools in the area.

That’s like saying Watford or Hemel or Luton isn’t that nice, ie hardly earth shattering and slightly missing the point.

HW itself isn’t lovely but I’d be astonished if any of the handful of day boarders at WA had a HP11/12/13 home address.

OP, even at prep level in this area there is a distinct chasm between the “professional middle class and making a sacrifice to be here” and the “generational wealth/property developer/show biz/tech money” crowd. It becomes more apparent in secondary school when children start being more acutely interested in fitting in and the differences in housing and holidays. Unfortunately it’s a reflection of the way society is going with the flattening of the middle class and won’t get better, especially with VAT on school fees.

I really don’t think there’s a silver bullet, except to say that highly selective schools may slightly self-select out of this behaviour.

@MotherOfDD I have sent you a PM.

@applegingermint Many parents we met at Godstowe were successful in business. Either their own or in London. They weren’t the characterizations you suggest. Cannot speak of WA but there are some glorious villages around High Wycombe! Most parents with day girls at WA live in these or Marlow/Beaconsfield/GX area.

Yes, but as others have pointed out, aren’t your daughters now in their 30s? So it’s been 20+ years since your daughters were last at Godstowe? The world has changed quite a bit since then.

@applegingermint So you think day girls at WA come from where, exactly? Do you know Bucks at all? The world of day girls at WA hasn’t changed that much!

You clearly don’t as I pointed out that WA day boarders (they’re not day girls) are unlikely to hail from Wycombe town centre (ie HP11-13).

Congrats on stating the obvious that they’re more likely to be coming from Beaconsfield, GX, Marlow, the Kingshills etc, I guess?

St Albans has just gone coed.

st Eds in Ware is a nice school.

St Margaret’s Bushey.

Bit further but St Helens or Northwood College.

I hear very mixed things on Queenswood.

@applegingermint ? We all know they won’t be from central Wycombe! I know Wycombe! I don’t really care if they call them day boarders - they don’t board! In terms everyone understands, they are day girls. There’s only 76 or so of them and I do know where they are likely to live!

Just to clarify, St Albans is taking girls from Y7 only starting from next September. It’s had girls in the 6th form since the 1990s but it will remain a very boy-dominated school for the foreseeable future.

@BreakfastClub80may I know more about haileybury? Do your dd2 board? currently in senior form? Is the school very academic? How would u rate the school from pastoral care, teaching atmosphere, surrounding area, extra-curricular activities, etc? Thanks.

@OViennais your dd2 now in haileybury? in senior form? does she board? may i know more about the school?

Hi there - no, we went for another option locally (one of the schools I named....) You can PM me if it would help. Really liked the school though.

Hi OP. This may not be helpful as too far for you, but we moved DD between Y8 and Y9 for similar reasons. We agonised over where to send her, because so much of the friendship thing is dependent on the actual make-up of girls in the year group, and that can vary so much from year to year, even in the same school. We visited loads of schools, and in the end opted for Tudor Hall in Oxfordshire. We got a lovely vibe from it when we visited, and it was the only school DD was enthusiastic about. It was too far for us without moving to do on a daily basis, so we went for weekly (Monday-Friday) boarding. It was absolutely transformational. The staff were brilliant, and there are so many organised activities to give the girls chances to socialise and get to know each other, both in the year group and across year groups. There was quite a large intake of new girls into Y9 and the staff worked really worked hard to prevent the girls getting too cliquey, and to establish a climate where everyone expects to socialise with everyone else. DD was like a different child within weeks. We hadn't considered boarding at the secondary transition stage, but DD flourished going into it in Y9. If you're able to manage the distance, or able to consider boarding, I'd recommend it.

Have you discounted Abbot’s Hill? It’s a really lovely school. Strong pastoral focus. If you haven’t looked around it, I’d give it a go.

Abbot’s Hill has no sixth form, so it would mean OP moving her DD and then moving again after GCSEs.

St Mary’s Cambridge is amazing - pastorally, academically, my daughter thrived there - lots of girls join in year 9. great facilities and they have boarding and sixth form. Near station too

Hi, My daughter is in year 7 at Q and she's been bullied. I am now looking into other schools but don't want to make any rash decisions. I'd rather fix the situation that she's in than move her around. I haven't noticed snobbery or extreme wealth being a problem, but just awful, cruel behaviour. I'm trying to figure out if this is what girls at this age are just like, if there's a problem with the culture in the school, or if my daughter just got unlucky with the first group of friends she made. @MotherOfDD have you made a decision? We live in London so will look at schools local to us.

@Mamapoochon so sorry to hear this. St Chris in Letchworth might be worth a look (bus routes to N London). I think there are some spaces in the current Year 7 and it is a very welcoming cohort across the senior school. The school have done really well at rebuilding confidence in kids who have arrived after being bullied in the past. I really hope you can get her resettled soon.