Moving schools in year 9 (currently at Queenswood)

[MotherOfDD]

Hello everyone, I’m looking for advice from any mums who’ve been through something similar or who know the independent school scene locally.

My daughter is in Year 9 at Queenswood and has become increasingly unhappy over the last year. The issues are mainly around friendships: she was in a rather toxic group in Year 8, managed to move away from that drama, but now describes herself as a “floater” with no close friends. The school has a large intake of girls who speak Mandarin as a first language, and while my daughter has no personal issue with them, many of those girls mostly socialise with one another and don’t mix much with the wider year group, which makes it even harder for her to find new friends. There is also a visible clique of girls from London who come across as very focused on appearance and social status, hang out only with each other on the weekends and while happy to spend time with my DD at school, they never ask her to join them on their days out etc. There have also been occasional bullying, frequent excluding behaviours and a lot of girls’ drama which she isn’t part of anymore, but which affects the general mood of the whole year group. Academically she’s top set in Maths, average in English, loves science and is generally learning well, but the social side is taking a big toll. Teachers always tell me that she is well liked, but it’s not how she feels and describes herself as nobody’s “first choice” which is really sad for me to hear.

A lot of girls left Queenswood at the end of Year 8 (some moved abroad, some to London schools) and my daughter hears from them that they’re happier now, which hasn’t helped her mood. We’re not considering a move to London.

What I’m after is practical help on three things:

1. Has anyone moved their daughter out of Queenswood for similar reasons? If so, where did you move to and how did it go in terms of friendship, pastoral support and settling in?
2. Which independent schools (girls’ or coed) in Hertfordshire (happy to consider further afield, except London) would you recommend for a Year 9 or Year 10 transfer? I’m especially interested in schools known for a friendly atmosphere, visible pastoral care, and systems that help new girls settle (buddy schemes, small tutor groups, strong wellbeing teams).
3. Any practical tips for supporting a daughter who’s drifting socially after leaving a toxic friendship group ?

If it helps with replies, a bit more about DD: she’s friendly, bubbly, can be loud and easily distracted by what’s going on around her, doesn’t have a close confidante since leaving the previous group, and is academically capable (especially in Maths and science). We’re open to a move now into Year 9 or waiting until the start of Year 10 if that’s a better transition.

What would really help me: names of schools with strong reputations for pastoral care and kindness, where kids are generally friendly, first‑hand accounts of moving schools at this stage, and specific, practical actions that helped other girls rebuild friendship groups and confidence.

Thank you so much in advance — I’d really appreciate personal experiences, honest impressions, and any tips you found useful.

We're very happy with St Albans High for Girls - none of the issues you describe. I'm sorry you're in this situation 😔

My advice would be to try move asap as it will be much easier for your daughter to settle in a new school the sooner you move her. If the year group is full of mean girls it's unfortunately unlikely to change regardless of what the school does.

thankyou @muminherts , one of the issues that my daughter has is the journey time (she is boarding part time) as well as a lack of local friends so I think if we move her, we may as well stay as close as possible. Q have been responsive and we have had several meetings but I haven't seen any improvement in the situation. I worry that moving her will just be same the same issues in a different setting because girls can be tricky. My daughter is quite "cool" herself so we're surprised she's being targeted but she's also not as keen on making friends with some of the sweeter/nicer girls as we would like her to be. Interestingly, her twin sister attends a different all girls school and has experienced none of this (we want them in separate schools). We chose Q because of it's facilities and we were so impressed by every single visit and we really don't want to rush into anything and hope to make things work... but I've got to apply now for other schools and if I don't want to muck anyone around. Especially as we have already turned down an offer of a place for year 7 at one of the schools we are considering.

If you’d relocate St George’s Edinburgh. Lovely school and does GCSEs then either Highers or A Levels so choice. Then you’d be positioned in Scotland for university.

Sorry your daughter is having a tough time. Is it the same girl bullying her? If it's repeated behaviour from the same individual, after attempts from the school to manage the behaviour, shouldn't the school be asking the other pupil to leave rather than you having to leave? Which school is your other daughter at?

@Mamapoochon I’m devastated to hear this as a former Q parent. Although it’s years ago now, DD1 never experienced this and still maintains a huge friendship group from Q. Many of whom will be invited to her wedding later this year. They are very supportive of each other and always have been.

For DD2, 2 years below, it was totally different. Some girls were unpleasant almost immediately. All day girls as it turned out but it caused quite a few girls to bail out by the end of y8. Very little is done if the bullies are wealthy. There’s a pecking order of parents and the DDs know this. Some seem untouchable and cause all sorts of issues.

As the school became less academic, the behaviour and attitudes worsened. DD2 ended up in a year where only 33 stayed on into the 6th form. Over 30 left. So many were unhappy. A while ago, yes, but they really have not grasped the issues for years . In DDs year, the worst child was known to other parents at her prep school and they could not believe Q had taken her. She continued to bully as she had at the prep. Private schools don’t like dealing with poor behaviour and know parents won’t support them. So it gets avoided. Then girls start leaving so it’s foolish not to. I witnessed it for several years and then it came to a head and we removed dd after year 11. When DD1 started that action simply would not have been on my radar. I could not imagine a better school. High achieving, talented and friendly girls. It’s very very sad to hear that it’s not improving. Has this head done her 10 years yet?

I completely understand the concern about the long journey. At this point the right school for her to settle into quickly and which has space is definitely going to be key. Is there anywhere closer to home that is the right sort of setting and has space in Year 7 at the moment?

@Mamapoochon Often girls know each other from prep and don’t want a new girl around. Especially a cool one. It’s competition. Your dd doesn’t see herself as fitting in with the sweet ones (not sure I think many are this) but I can see why. My DD1 was the only girl from a state primary and had that label. She was a novelty. A few weren’t on her radar (pheasant shooting families) but nearly everyone else was ok. I guess she was never seen as cool or competition! Girls at this age are tricky and navigating their world has become a lot more difficult. I think you will just have to ring round and see who can take your DD. There’s always some movement.

@Mamapoochon just thinking of your situation and wondered if you’ve managed to find a school with space to go and visit?

Year 8 can be a tricky year for girls I found! My DD was at St. Mary’s in Cambridge which I can recommend 100% - pastorally it’s been excellent!! They just care so much for the girls - great with sorting out any potential bullying or friendship issues too. My DD was quite an anxious girl and occasionally felt overwhelmed at school (hormones etc) so could go go to see the lovely school nurses who would let her chat and even lay down on the sick bay under a blanket with a cup of camomile tea and a teddy! Also, there was amazing access to any counselling etc. Outstanding facilities and a kindness that permeates throughout the school. She is now at Uni and a confident and kind and polite young lady. They do boarding there too. Good luck

@Mrsbunnychops Queenswood has most of that! What you cannot regulate are other DDs though. Q won’t sort out friendships.

Definitely move for GCSE’s, I’ve heard some horror stories and just sad tales of kids who tried to ride it out where they’ve been experiencing issues.
Sometimes all that glitters is not gold. You often hear of the big, impressive, sought after schools being a haven for the ‘pick me’ extroverts. First hand, my dcs have experienced this and we moved to a tiny school. It might not be as glamorous, but dc is happy and supported. Sure there’s a few super wealthy alpha kids, but it’s taken with a pinch of salt as there’s too few kids for it too impress when it’s not all about connections.

Your DC is more likely to thrive in a nurturing environment that doesn’t promote this type of behaviour. Look for a nice school, that fits your DD and don’t go with hype.

@muminhertswaving to you as a fellow St Chris mum. Thanks for your advice. My DD is thriving there now and I would highly recommend it.
My DD was also in the “cool” crowd at her previous secondary school and during that time her behaviour and attainment deteriorated drastically.
Since she moved, I feel like I’ve got my daughter back. She is doing brilliantly academically and so much calmer and happier.

@ChiaraRimini I am so glad to hear this! St Chris is such a positive and kind school and I’m delighted your daughter is happier now. Always scary to make a move but can just be for the best!

Queenswood has not necessarily had issues with wealthier DDs. The Saudi girls have always been lovely. They are the wealthiest usually but have manners and are friendly. The bigger issue is with relatively newly minted brash parents. They have wealth but are light on manners and so are their dc. It’s not a huge group but they disrupt.

I hope your daughter has got into St Francis and is enjoying her new school.

Dear OP, what have you decided at the end? Although foe different reasons, I am also thinking of moving my DD from Q. If you could share with us some updates I would be very grateful.

@Minerva81 might be worth starting your own thread and telling us what your dd is like then those of us in Herts if you are after a local school can try to help.