Moving schools in year 9 (currently at Queenswood)

[MotherOfDD]

Hello everyone, I’m looking for advice from any mums who’ve been through something similar or who know the independent school scene locally.

My daughter is in Year 9 at Queenswood and has become increasingly unhappy over the last year. The issues are mainly around friendships: she was in a rather toxic group in Year 8, managed to move away from that drama, but now describes herself as a “floater” with no close friends. The school has a large intake of girls who speak Mandarin as a first language, and while my daughter has no personal issue with them, many of those girls mostly socialise with one another and don’t mix much with the wider year group, which makes it even harder for her to find new friends. There is also a visible clique of girls from London who come across as very focused on appearance and social status, hang out only with each other on the weekends and while happy to spend time with my DD at school, they never ask her to join them on their days out etc. There have also been occasional bullying, frequent excluding behaviours and a lot of girls’ drama which she isn’t part of anymore, but which affects the general mood of the whole year group. Academically she’s top set in Maths, average in English, loves science and is generally learning well, but the social side is taking a big toll. Teachers always tell me that she is well liked, but it’s not how she feels and describes herself as nobody’s “first choice” which is really sad for me to hear.

A lot of girls left Queenswood at the end of Year 8 (some moved abroad, some to London schools) and my daughter hears from them that they’re happier now, which hasn’t helped her mood. We’re not considering a move to London.

What I’m after is practical help on three things:

1. Has anyone moved their daughter out of Queenswood for similar reasons? If so, where did you move to and how did it go in terms of friendship, pastoral support and settling in?
2. Which independent schools (girls’ or coed) in Hertfordshire (happy to consider further afield, except London) would you recommend for a Year 9 or Year 10 transfer? I’m especially interested in schools known for a friendly atmosphere, visible pastoral care, and systems that help new girls settle (buddy schemes, small tutor groups, strong wellbeing teams).
3. Any practical tips for supporting a daughter who’s drifting socially after leaving a toxic friendship group ?

If it helps with replies, a bit more about DD: she’s friendly, bubbly, can be loud and easily distracted by what’s going on around her, doesn’t have a close confidante since leaving the previous group, and is academically capable (especially in Maths and science). We’re open to a move now into Year 9 or waiting until the start of Year 10 if that’s a better transition.

What would really help me: names of schools with strong reputations for pastoral care and kindness, where kids are generally friendly, first‑hand accounts of moving schools at this stage, and specific, practical actions that helped other girls rebuild friendship groups and confidence.

Thank you so much in advance — I’d really appreciate personal experiences, honest impressions, and any tips you found useful.

@bluerose3thank you.

I’m sure some parents felt the same when more than ten girls left at the end of Year 8. Others may or may not share my concerns, but looking at some parents’ social media profiles suggests a stronger emphasis on image, bling and lifestyle rather than on school or family priorities.

We visited RM, Berkhamsted and Abbots Hill when we were choosing schools but ultimately didn’t apply. I left RM with some reservations: several areas felt somewhat run‑down and the girl who showed us round didn’t seem happy, which gave me pause. Berkhamsted appealed to me, though my daughter didn’t take to it at the time; Abbots Hill had a number of negative reviews back then, reportedly related to staffing issues. Our research was over three years ago, so things may well have changed.

@OhDear111

Thank you so much for sharing that. It really resonates with what we’re seeing. It’s interesting (and quite sad) to hear how the tone of different cohorts can shift so much depending on the parents and the social mix. What you describe about the boasting and “tribal” behaviour sounds very familiar. I completely agree that it seems to feed into a wider culture that the school doesn’t always discourage, which makes it so hard for girls who just want to be kind and genuine.

I’m glad to hear your DD1 managed to find her true friends in Year 9–10 — that gives me a bit of hope that things can still settle.

And thank you for mentioning Bancroft’s, I’ll definitely have a look. We live in central Hertfordshire - however I am open to relocating. Would even consider moving abroad if there was this perfect place to be honest as I work remotely! ;)

Thanks again for such a thoughtful and reassuring reply — it really helps to hear from someone who’s seen both sides of it.

@MotherOfDD What changed the game, especially for DD1, was moving into GCSE classes. The DDs she was with became her firm friends and had similar interests. No one was awful. Some prioritised sport, others music and drama and no parents belonged to the “money club” for special attention. Although everyone knew who had the money!

I could only settle in with a few in DD2’s cohort. I saw a few nice mums socially but would actively swerve quite a few! Obviously there’s an issue if so many have left already. As I said, the big exodus for DD2’s cohort was after GCSEs and a lot of parents kept their powder dry. Of course schools cannot influence how parents are and Q isn’t that great academically any more. Probably shored up by international girls - as DD1 had so few in her cohort, this wasn’t always the case. They haven’t attracted heads who wanted to push on with academics and media studies says it all. When DD1 started, Q results were the same as my local girls grammar. Poles apart now.

For another reason, I looked around RM recently. Looked very tired to me.

If you don’t mind where, friends have been delighted with Rugby.

Hi OP,

Im so sorry to hear about your dd, I have 3 girls and have been through friendship issues.

I don’t know whereabouts you live and it might be too far, but I highly recommend St Helen’s in Northwood. My oldest dd went there, it’s a fantastic school. They have an extensive coach service that covers parts of Herts.

@OhDear111 Your daughters left Q MANY years ago, both have finished university, have careers and are probably in their 30s now. Your information is extremely out of date.

I do think there has been a real shift in parent demographics since the introduction of VAT. I have noticed parents seem rather more monied but I think this is because they flaunt it so much more. This is even more evident through social media.

Berkhamsted has a similar vibe. There’s lots of co-ed parties there too with questionable behaviour actively being supported by parents (provision of alcohol, turning a blind eye to booze etc). It’s a similar situation at our local comp and Haileybury. These are teenagers with money. It’s going to happen.

@MotherOfDD If you are looking for a school with none of this then you are looking for the moon on a stick. These types of girls, cliques and behaviours will be in every type of private school these days - even more so in the London area. But there are plenty of girls who don’t chase this “popular” lifestyle as it’s not for them. When they realise that hanging around in the cold wearing next to nothing, throwing up after too much booze, or the fallout from drunken snogging such and such’s ex and it being posted on social media, that’s when things settle down.

I would add that it’s exactly these types of girls that leave Q after Y11. It’s not seen as cool enough, they want to be with boys etc. Each year about half the cohort leave and go to do different sixth forms. This is not unusual and is a pattern seen at lots of other girls schools.

If you want a school where discussions of money and splashing the cash are seriously frowned upon then Christ's Hospital in Sussex is the moon on a stick - depends on whether you could relocate/board.

@RatherBeOnVacation So what? I’m talking about trends and the fact the school has changed. If, recently, numerous DDs have left, there’s issues not being addressed and this isn’t new. It’s in the DNA now and the ethos is not suiting some DDs and families. That’s been the case for quite a while. Regardless of when my DDs were there, it’s interesting the op recognizes what I’m saying. VAT only came in last year - no parent body changes THAT quickly, There was a noticeable shift when we were there and it was alarming. That and the results being below what they were is attracting a different type of families. I do rather think the ship has sailed in the home counties though. Flash, not inclusive and punctuated with bad manners.

I know a teacher from Queenswood school. They have really put me off the school as they are not a pleasant person: the sort to invite then un-invite people from parties. It sounds like there is an unpleasant atmosphere in the school from both staff and students, so I can understand why you would want to move.

I have also heard good things about St. Helen's

@MotherOfDD You are of course free to ignore my posts! There’s always cheerleaders who won’t agree!

I know BSC and Haileybury well, if they are close enough. Different vibes but most are happy. Haileybury is a boarding school with Saturday school and lots going on. Definitely a wealthy cohort alongside locals, parties and alcohol the norm for some but depends whether you’re in that crowd. The kids I know there are not overly concerned with image or status but of course they are in a bubble.

BSC is a day school with boarders and no Saturday school. A less showy school which is friendly and all the kids I know there are happy. Problems do seem to dealt with when they occur. There is a party crowd but lots of people on the periphery of this too, so relatively easy to fit in. Again, not a huge focus on status/wealth, considering the bubble.

If you want more info, please DM me.

Thank you all - I appreciate your input and suggestions.

@ElGatita- that’s useful information. Thank you for sharing.

@RatherBeOnVacation- Thanks, I hear you and I agree with a lot of what you’ve said. I don’t expect perfection, but I’m looking to hear from parents who are happy with their schools or who’ve moved and found a nicer outcome. I know that might be optimistic, but I hope not every school is full of that crowd.

@OhDear111 - even though your experience is from the past, it resonates with what I’m facing now. I value your feedback and I’m taking your tips on board.

@BreakfastClub80 thank you. Very useful. BSC is a bit longer of a drive, but since I know very little about the school, I will happily explore more. Sounds positive.

I do wonder about MN sometimes … never heard of the school so I’ve just googled - looked on a map and realised any recommendations from me would be too far away not sure why others couldn’t do the same ! I did move a DS at the very end of yr8 - it took almost a year to settle but so much happier now and preparing for GCSEs . You have time to move your DD - I wish you luck - it’s awful when they aren’t happy

@Ghostsghoulsteenagers op has thought about moving! Plus if you are paying Q day fees, you aren’t far off boarding fees anyway. What schools are not possible? Most people have recommended day schools fairly close and I added a boarding school further away but the op might consider further away and move.

@OhDear111 The schools I am thinking of are more Bucks/Berks so completely the wrong side of London and not so high achieving as not so selective as the schools OP is looking at . The majority of high achievers end up in Grammar Schools here . The only one I can think of which is selective is Reading Blue Coat in Sonning - which would definitely require a move and isn’t a school I have personal experience of though locally very well regarded. The school my youngest goes to can support high achievers but also have many children with SEND , and a lot of children with fledgling sporting careers.As a result there is a significant spread of parental income and a nice range of kids .

I really just commented as I’d moved a child at the same sort of time.

We are down the road from Bancrofts. I can't imagine you'd get a place there at an unusual entry point (very competitive at 7+, 11+, and I guess A level, don't think there are so many leavers) but you never know. If you are thinking of this area, you should throw Chigwell and Forest into the mix but you may have similar issues entering off cycle. I have had children at both of the latter two schools.

DD1 got a really nice offer at BSC; DD2 at Haileybury. We would have considered moving for BSC but got a better offer in our existing area. It is a lovely school, by all accounts. Haileybury was much pricier as well when we were deciding.

DD2 has a very good friend at Queenswood who is from this area and the description of the girls sounds similar to what you've said @MotherOfDD . You are not alone! It's a shame, I had heard good things about it years ago when DD1 was in primary, sounds like things have changed.

@OVienna i think with VAT there are spaces opening up at schools where there never were before! So maybe worth phone calls even to schools usually very oversubscribed

@Ghostsghoulsteenagers I guess Wycombe Abbey would be out but there’s other schools around Ascot if DD would consider boarding. Boarding schools are more likely to have a place. Looking at Eastern Bucks, there’s nothing except Berko just into Herts.

I guess? Bancroft isn't/wasn't as expensive as they come, and the results are outstanding (arguably because of the carefully curated child they accept...) So, it's not one of the schools that I expect will suffer from attrition like others could.

I would suggest looking at Kingshott in Hitchin. Had an excellent ISI inspection recently and has top notch pastoral care in the Senior School.

I know girls at st albans high school, LVS Ascot and st Mary's Ascot.
Parents rate them and the girls seem very happy

If DDs left, where did they go?

@OhDear111DD tells me London schools for those who live in London and quite a few moved abroad.

@MotherOfDD When DDs left years ago, it was usually swapping boarding for local or London day schools. Interesting the London schools have places.

That’s actually quite a good call - again not a school I have experience of - but very highly regarded locally .

Im not particularly enraptured with the High Wycombe area though and wouldn’t sell it as somewhere for the OP to move to . Lots of nice smaller towns and villages nearby though