Moving schools in year 9 (currently at Queenswood)

[MotherOfDD]

Hello everyone, I’m looking for advice from any mums who’ve been through something similar or who know the independent school scene locally.

My daughter is in Year 9 at Queenswood and has become increasingly unhappy over the last year. The issues are mainly around friendships: she was in a rather toxic group in Year 8, managed to move away from that drama, but now describes herself as a “floater” with no close friends. The school has a large intake of girls who speak Mandarin as a first language, and while my daughter has no personal issue with them, many of those girls mostly socialise with one another and don’t mix much with the wider year group, which makes it even harder for her to find new friends. There is also a visible clique of girls from London who come across as very focused on appearance and social status, hang out only with each other on the weekends and while happy to spend time with my DD at school, they never ask her to join them on their days out etc. There have also been occasional bullying, frequent excluding behaviours and a lot of girls’ drama which she isn’t part of anymore, but which affects the general mood of the whole year group. Academically she’s top set in Maths, average in English, loves science and is generally learning well, but the social side is taking a big toll. Teachers always tell me that she is well liked, but it’s not how she feels and describes herself as nobody’s “first choice” which is really sad for me to hear.

A lot of girls left Queenswood at the end of Year 8 (some moved abroad, some to London schools) and my daughter hears from them that they’re happier now, which hasn’t helped her mood. We’re not considering a move to London.

What I’m after is practical help on three things:

1. Has anyone moved their daughter out of Queenswood for similar reasons? If so, where did you move to and how did it go in terms of friendship, pastoral support and settling in?
2. Which independent schools (girls’ or coed) in Hertfordshire (happy to consider further afield, except London) would you recommend for a Year 9 or Year 10 transfer? I’m especially interested in schools known for a friendly atmosphere, visible pastoral care, and systems that help new girls settle (buddy schemes, small tutor groups, strong wellbeing teams).
3. Any practical tips for supporting a daughter who’s drifting socially after leaving a toxic friendship group ?

If it helps with replies, a bit more about DD: she’s friendly, bubbly, can be loud and easily distracted by what’s going on around her, doesn’t have a close confidante since leaving the previous group, and is academically capable (especially in Maths and science). We’re open to a move now into Year 9 or waiting until the start of Year 10 if that’s a better transition.

What would really help me: names of schools with strong reputations for pastoral care and kindness, where kids are generally friendly, first‑hand accounts of moving schools at this stage, and specific, practical actions that helped other girls rebuild friendship groups and confidence.

Thank you so much in advance — I’d really appreciate personal experiences, honest impressions, and any tips you found useful.

Wtaf is queenswood
you talk as if we all know

I can 100% recommend St Chris in Letchworth. Great pastoral support and not cliquey at all. Had a sort of similar situation with DD but she was in state school. Moved to St Chris part-way through year 9 and it’s been transformational. They’ve been great settling her in and she found her feet immediately. PM me if you want to chat more.

My dd was at Queenswood. For one term. She was a boarder. She hated it. The bullying was horrendous. They didn’t tackle it at all.

She went to Abbots Hill after that. It was fine. Not fantastic but she felt a lot safer. We had hoped to send her to Berkhamsted but no places were available.

She used to go to Westbrook Hay. I hear they now go up to GCSEs for girls as well as boys? It’s a nice environment there.

Queenswood? Sorry if have no idea where this school it. Mine are in ACs Cobham really nice friends. But I have also heard great stuff about Millhill In north London and also Bedes. Good luck.

Queens wood is a school in Hertfordshire. If you don’t know where a school is there is no need to be rude. There was a thread this week about Mill Hill School which generally wasn’t very complimentary. The Pastoral Care is very good at Habs Girls but no one can make girls be friendly to each other. Cliques are common in all girls schools. Aldenham is very caring but not so academic.

Nigel, the OP is really worried about her DD, and you replied rudely and unhelpfully. Why would you do that?

OP I’ve seen DDs move for these reasons, and it can help, but if she does have people to spend time with at school who are pleasant, how much does it matter that they don’t include her outside school? Not everyone has a best friend or is part of one friendship group, some people are happy to be on the fringes of several groups and dip in as they like. Another option is to find friendship groups through weekend / evening sports or music or drama, rather than moving school.

Do you usually respond to threads you know nothing about by saying rudely that you know nothing about them?

That must be a full time job for you, no wonder you’re up in the small hours!

PS - the thing about being a smartarse is that you have to be smart, and not just an arse.

HTH.

My DD is due to be starting secondary next year, so my only experience is of researching and looking round schools.

We’ve been impressed with what we saw of St Margaret’s in Bushey. As above, Westbrook Hay is probably worth looking at though I don’t know it at all.

Aldenham has a bit of a mixed reputation but I think it has quite a London crowd which you’re looking to avoid.

St Columbas in St Albans? Just had a terrible ISI report, and I’ve a friend who was very unhappy with the Prep.

I would say do careful research into pupil numbers at schools - some are under real pressure due to VAT etc and there are one or two (not ones I’ve named) I personally think won’t last more than a couple more years as they are so below capacity. Obviously as your daughter is approaching the GCSE years you really need stability.

Good luck!

@MotherOfDDI really feel for your DD. Both my DDs boarded at Q but had very different experiences. I don’t agree with the poster saying out of school contact doesn’t matter - it does. Being left out is never kind. My DD1 had loads of friends from London and was never excluded by them. In fact, is still friends with them years later.

The difference we saw just 3 years later was extreme and DD2 struggled to find her tribe and the school didn’t deal with bullying girls. Or other awful behaviour from those dd with ultra rich parents. DD2 left after y11. Huge mistake - should have gone after y8. It doesn’t get better! The overseas girls have always formed cliques but with only 4 Chinese girls in DD1s year, they all got on and DD visited one friend in China. Still friends now. DD2 had the experience you describe. In DD2’s year, 33 remained in the 6th form out of 66, so we weren’t alone with disliking the ethos and favouritism.

So: what to do. Some left for St Albans girls. Some went to other boarding schools. Some went to day schools in London. DD2 went to another boarding school with better art. Berko still seems popular. St Chris’s is marmite and definitely would not have been suitable for us.

Would you consider boarding? You would get far more choice and you could look further afield.

It’s very common for girls to feel this way at the start of Y9. Y8 at most schools is turbulent when it comes to friendships. My DD felt the same - like third wheeling on the fringes of friendship groups. Liked, but not feeling like she had a group of best friends.

By the end of Y9 she had found her people and I imagine she will be friends with them even after she’s left school. I work with teens and girl friendships usually go as follows:

Y7 - everyone is friends with pretty much everyone, friendship groups are pretty large and whilst there are some dramas it’s usually OK

Y8 - friendship groups become smaller as they realise such big groups aren’t sustainable. People start to feel excluded and like they don’t fit in. Meet ups outside school get more frequent as they get independence to travel alone

Y9 - anxieties increase as those Y8 friendships have been strengthened over the summer hols. Friendship groups are less tolerant and the big dramas tend to happen. Lots of falling out and friendship groups fracturing. Starts to calm down by end of the year.

Y10 - things have really settled down. Girls realise they can actually talk to each other even if they’re not friends. Drama level significantly decreased

Y11 - no drama. All busy doing GCSEs

Sixth Form - all very supportive and kind to each other.

I guess what I’m saying is that it’s probably not an issue unique to the school. I agree that if you’re going to move then now is the time to do it, but you may well find the same elsewhere.

There’s currently only one girl in Y9 at Westbrook Hay I think. Give it a few years and I think would be a good option.

I’m really sorry to hear your dd is struggling op. St Chris in Letchworth is very good for this kind of situation and the school regularly rescues kids who have become socially isolated or where there has been actually bullying. They have had a couple of ex Queenswood girls in the past I think. Very good pastoral care and Year 9 is one of the usual joining points, so there would be quite a number of other new ones.

Hi @PopcornPoppingInAPan thanks for your feedback.

I was up in the small hours as I have a long term health condition.

HTH

Still unnecessarily rude though.

Why would you reply if you don't know?!

OP - We know many girls at Queenswood. Whatever you do - do not move to Mount House. The school will tell you how focused they are on pastoral care, but it's a complete lie and the pastoral care at the school is awful.

I would have a look at St John's (Ridgeway). The kids there seem to have a very active social life.

You can't generalise. Friendship issues that started in Year 9 never settled for my daughter and Year 10 has been horrendous for her. It hasn't really improved but she stopped caring now in Year 11. I'm absolutely kicking myself for not having moved her at the end of Year 9.

I can’t help with the school however, I moved my son after the first term in year 10 due to various things and bullying being one of them. Best thing I could ever have done. He’s made a great bunch of friends, is so much happier and because of that is performing better.

I wouldn’t hesitate to move your child when they are unhappy.

that sounds tough for your daughter @MotherOfDD .

I don’t have personal experience but have seen girls move from another local girls school (where they were struggling for similar reasons) to Bancroft’s and have found it to be a world of difference. They moved mid-year and it was very successful.

@XelaM Of course it’s not true for every child but it’s a very well known pattern for girl friendships throughout their teens.

@RatherBeOnVacation i wonder if that really depends if you are at a through school, middle school etc rather than an 11-16 or 11-18? In many schools Year 7 isn’t a big transition point the way it is at an 11-16/18?

@Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble I agree with you so much on this. We moved one of our dc and it was the best thing we’ve ever done. Short term upheaval for long term gain and the difference when they are at the right school for them can be so significant.

Thank you so much for all your helpful suggestions, I’ll look into the schools you mentioned.

When choosing her secondary school we visited several and ultimately picked Queenswood because it felt well resourced and offered the right opportunities. I’ve seen potential risks, but the benefits outweighed these at the time.

While I can comfortably afford the fees, I’ve always tried to raise my DD to value substance over show and I deliberately live below my means so she grows up valuing people and pursuits, not price tags.

Watching my daughter’s cohort, though, many of my earlier worries now feel justified. In Year 8 she was in a toxic group where one friend tried to split them; ultimately she left, and now in Year 9 she’s a floater and feels sad about it. That experience has sharpened my concerns about the cohort’s tone: a strong emphasis on status and competition - constant comparisons, flashy displays and one‑upmanship - which I fear will shape what she comes to value.

Even more concerning are behaviours spilling into real life and online: enormous house parties sometimes drawing hundreds of attendees, including gatherings that have required police intervention, casual alcohol use and students publicly celebrating these events on social media. My 13‑year‑old has seen these posts and understandably finds them alluring; I don’t want her to equate popularity with worth. It also seems some parents tacitly accept or enable this culture, which makes change from within difficult.

Even if her social situation improves, I would prefer to move her to a school that actively prioritises collaboration, curiosity and emotional maturity so she can develop lasting confidence and meaningful interests rather than performative status. I hope that makes sense.

I can 100% recommend St Francis in Letchworth. Another all girls school (so you may want to avoid) but the girls are all very grounded and it’s quite a small independent school so no where for anyone to hide and they deal with bullying straight away.

Haileybury? BSC?

Sorry to hear about your situation OP and I completely understand your concerns. Do other parents at the school feel the same or are having a similar experience? What about Royal Masonic, Berkhamsted Girls or Abbots Hill. I know some have been mentioned but I wondered if anyone could provide more detail. Does the OP or anyone else have experience of these schools or have friends with girls there. We are considering these senior schools for our daughter and interested to hear any feedback or if @MotherOfDD any reasons you would consider or discount these?

@MotherOfDDYou are seeing the differences we saw between DD1’s cohort and DD2’s. Like chalk and cheese. The type of parent noticeably, changed. As did the DDs. It became a big problem for some girls to be accepted and there was constant boasting about wealth. The school taps into this of course by social events for wealthy donors. We had some very wealthy parents in DD1s cohort, but they had lovely girls. In DD2s cohort this very much changed. I remember at parents evening, one family brought younger DS along and he reserved places in the teacher queues for his parents! The ball is another eye opener.

I would say DD1 found her true friends in y9-10. Both my DDs did the term long school exchanges they used to do. Also DD1 especially got very stuck into music and house events. Both mine boarded and maybe this provided better friendships? Although DD2 found very few to be friends with. Some were truly awful and the parents were very tribal. They only wanted people like them and DDs were similar. The school is a shadow of its former self I’m afraid.

Forgot Bancrofts. A dd we knew moved to there very successfully. Where can you reasonably travel to though?