Good school but child is a minority

[Eudaimonia11]

This is so bloody awkward! Please be kind.

DD is in Year 9 at the best school where we live, it has great GCSE results and it’s quite a well sought after school. The problem is she’s the only white kid in her classes and one of only about 5 white kids in the whole year.

She has friends at school but doesn’t feel like she fits in - the school is predominantly Muslim and we’re not. She feels so lonely outside of school as none of her friends are allowed to socialise. She’s started army cadets which has definitely helped but she still feels lonely and wants mates to just hang out with at weekends.

I went to a secondary school that was pretty much 50/50 white and Pakistani/Bangladeshi. Most of my Asian mates couldn’t hang out outside of school but I did have two friends who were allowed out and we’d walk around the shops on a Saturday afternoon or I’d go to their house (they weren’t allowed to come to mine). It was nowhere near as bad as it is for DD.

Her school have a “Culture Day” once a term which is approx every 6 weeks where DD says she feels excluded and is made to feel bad about being English. She says every single time, she gets comments from people making fun of her for having no culture. Instead of the well-intentioned day being about celebrating diversity, it seems to be a day where DD feels like crap.

There is a teacher who makes jokes in Urdu each lesson (not about DD!) and that makes her feel more excluded. I experienced the same at primary school when I was the only white kid in the class, I remember how much it used to upset me but I didn’t tell anyone. Mr Hussein, you were horrible!

DD did have a school friend who she would go out at weekends with but she’s moved quite far away so they’ve lost touch.

DD is begging me to let her move schools. She’d have to travel by bus to get to the nearest school that is more mixed and that school isn’t as good.

I don’t want her GCSEs to be affected just for the sake of her having friends that don’t ridicule her for being English. I’m also worried about her starting a new school where she doesn’t know anyone halfway through Year 9. What if she gets bullied? What if it’s worse than where she is now?

But I can see how much this is all affecting her. She’s gone from enjoying school in Year 7 to hating it in Year 9.

What should I do?

I’d absolutely move her as soon as possible. Make sure you tell the school why.l , also inform them jokes are being made in another language.

God I would move her straightaway if the other school has places. Why would you even hesitate? It sounds awful for her.

DD is begging me to let her move schools.

That's all you need to know. It does not sound in any way shape or form like a good school. It gets good GCSE results because of the cohort that go there not because of the interventions it makes. No child who is friendless, unhappy and doesn't want to attend school will get good GCSEs.

Thank you! My instinct says to move her, I hate seeing her miserable. I’m a single parent so the weight of the world is always on my shoulders. I worry so much about making wrong decisions because it’s all on me.

Many grammar schools have ethnic distribution like that with dominance of South Asian kids.

That is I believe there are so much more important factors than academic results when it comes to decision about school. The fit is very important. I would move her. She cannot feel isolated for many years

Move her. She sounds lonely.

You’re all saying exactly what I’ve been thinking. Of course the school gets great results, if you’re Muslim religion/culture and surrounded by other people from the same background where you feel like you fit in, then it’s a marvellous school and you’re bound to do well.

DD is quite bright anyway so even if she went to a school with crap results, she’ll do alright.

I moved my child for similar reasons - he was one of the only non white children in his year group. Again, amazing GCSE results but he was on the receiving end of racist abuse and the school did bugger all. I moved him to a far more diverse school and he’s thriving. I’d move your daughter ASAP and like another poster said, tell the school WHY. It sounds terrible.

@WinterCarlisle Thanks for this, yes, I’m moving her! Sorry to hear about your son’s experience but I’m glad he’s doing well now and can put it behind him.

I’m going to contact the new school on Monday to see if they have any places and if we can arrange to visit.

I also please urge anyone whose kid experiences racism at school to report to Ofsted.

Incidents of racism are supposed to be reported to the local authority and recorded by them aren't they?

Definitely move her!!!

If she wants to move then let her move. Where did her friends from primary go?

I’m south Asian and I went to a school that was largely black and Muslim. People stuck to their racial groups at school and it was horrible. I was also the wrong type of south Asian in my friendship group and I have maybe 2 friends from secondary school. All the white children were horrendously bullied. Please move her as soon as you can. Inform the school about jokes being made in other languages and explain how exclusionary the culture of the school is. If you have the energy inform the governors. It’s great your child is so open about her experiences with you. She clearly feels safe enough to express her feelings.

My kids are in the minority at their school (non UK). The school has policies (such as speaking the language of instruction only, with immediate detentions for speaking other languages) that make it work. Your school sounds thoughtless and I’d move your DD. Social skills are so important to develop at this age and she can’t if she can’t make friends! Social skills are how she will likely get ahead in her future career.

Have you approached the school about this at all? @Eudaimonia11

even if the current school is better academic wise, your DD being miserable is likely to affect her grades anyway. I’d move her if it’s got bad enough she’s asking to.

I’ve decided against my DS applying for our local super selective grammar for this reason. It’s 84% non-white (almost all South Asian). I would move her.

Maybe make sure she thinks about how to explain to her new classmates why she’s moving before she starts eg because her friends weren’t able to socialise outside school. So she doesn’t inadvertently give the impression that she moved because she didn’t like the other kids. Just because sometimes kids can be harsh and miss the nuances of things.
which school you go to doesn’t generally affect grades as much as parental support so sounds like she’d be happier and therefore do better if she moves. Really sad though to hear about the situation at her current school, I’d write to someone, headteacher plus? after she’s moved. Head of academy chain or local authority, maybe ofsted not sure if that’s their role.

I remember the feeling that I was assumed not to have any culture because almost everyone else in my class had interesting traditions from other places, I’m all for celebrating diversity and recognise that I have white privilege in many situations, but it doesn’t help address racism by assuming English people don’t have traditions and to try to make individual children feel like racism is their fault in general. And the teacher making jokes in Urdu and not explaining them so everyone is included is really out of order and should absolutely be reported.

Absolutely move her - her MH is also important and being excluded and friendless is horrendous for anyone, let alone a teen.

My DS is in y6 and has always had lots of Asian Muslim friends but like your DD has found, the friendship stops at the school gate. Play dates are a no no and when the kids have asked their DM if they can come to ours, or DS comes to theirs, there’s always an excuse.

We have been looking at secondary schools and having a broad ethnic mix is essential for us because DS has been so lonely outside of school because his friends are not allowed to play with him (although they’ve always come to his birthday parties).

This was the same for my dd. For various reasons I couldn’t move her though and it was actually otherwise an excellent school. Early bullying issues were stamped on and they adhered meticulously to her EHCP so we had to weigh up the pros and cons - she ended up achieving very well on her GCSES and BTECS - more than we ever thought possible. However she didn’t make a single friend the whole time and in the end was one of only three white students across the entire two years of sixth form.

This is an increasing issue especially in the inner cities.

Move your daughter. But send an email to the headteacher today to report the teacher make jokes in Urdu. This is discriminatory behaviour and is only teaching the other students that it is ok to behave in this way. Also report any incidents of racist behaviour towards your daughter. Each bit of information the school is provided with can build up evidence for future incidents in the school even after your daughter has left. It sounds like the current school is toxic. I hope that the other school has a place available for your daughter. Some areas of the country keep a list with local councils online that you can access at any time so it might be worth looking today. It can be a few weeks out of date but might give you an idea. Unfortunately where I live, this is not available.

I would move her.
Presumably the asian families have chosen that school for their kids becuase it is predominantly asian and fits in with their culture and values and their kids will feel comfortable there.
I don't see any reason why your child can't have the same experience at a school more aligned with her background.
It is a natural fact that people congregate with others that share their culture and values. You can see in areas where there are pockets of specific cultures. Its just a fact.
It's nice to be able to have friends of different cultures and races and undwrstand but ultimately we all want to feel like we belong to a group.
If you go to spain or thailand, or any other country the ex pats will form communities based on their home countries.
I moved school end of year 8, it was fine. My lifelong friends are from the school I moved to. Still besties 20 years on. She will make friends.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/61b73d6c8fa8f50384489c9a/Teachers__Standards_Dec_2021.pdf

Teacher standards p14 on personal and and professional conduct, I’d quote these to the headteacher as I think it’s clear jokes in a language most but not all the class can be expected to understand, clearly contravene these. I would do it after she has left, you don’t want to make it worse for her while she’s there.

Not much more to add to pps really, other than another vote to move her as soon as you can. We have decided against tutoring DD for our local super selective (as have an increasing number of families we’ve spoken to) for similar reasons.