Good school but child is a minority

[Eudaimonia11]

This is so bloody awkward! Please be kind.

DD is in Year 9 at the best school where we live, it has great GCSE results and it’s quite a well sought after school. The problem is she’s the only white kid in her classes and one of only about 5 white kids in the whole year.

She has friends at school but doesn’t feel like she fits in - the school is predominantly Muslim and we’re not. She feels so lonely outside of school as none of her friends are allowed to socialise. She’s started army cadets which has definitely helped but she still feels lonely and wants mates to just hang out with at weekends.

I went to a secondary school that was pretty much 50/50 white and Pakistani/Bangladeshi. Most of my Asian mates couldn’t hang out outside of school but I did have two friends who were allowed out and we’d walk around the shops on a Saturday afternoon or I’d go to their house (they weren’t allowed to come to mine). It was nowhere near as bad as it is for DD.

Her school have a “Culture Day” once a term which is approx every 6 weeks where DD says she feels excluded and is made to feel bad about being English. She says every single time, she gets comments from people making fun of her for having no culture. Instead of the well-intentioned day being about celebrating diversity, it seems to be a day where DD feels like crap.

There is a teacher who makes jokes in Urdu each lesson (not about DD!) and that makes her feel more excluded. I experienced the same at primary school when I was the only white kid in the class, I remember how much it used to upset me but I didn’t tell anyone. Mr Hussein, you were horrible!

DD did have a school friend who she would go out at weekends with but she’s moved quite far away so they’ve lost touch.

DD is begging me to let her move schools. She’d have to travel by bus to get to the nearest school that is more mixed and that school isn’t as good.

I don’t want her GCSEs to be affected just for the sake of her having friends that don’t ridicule her for being English. I’m also worried about her starting a new school where she doesn’t know anyone halfway through Year 9. What if she gets bullied? What if it’s worse than where she is now?

But I can see how much this is all affecting her. She’s gone from enjoying school in Year 7 to hating it in Year 9.

What should I do?

Move your daughter to another school as soon as you can…
My friends daughter, E, was the only white child in her class at primary school. Playdates and birthday parties were a rare occurrence - E felt very ostracised and this carried on into secondary school… she doesn’t have fond memories at all…

I’m saddened to hear so many of you have had similar experiences. It’s not right that English kids are made to feel unwelcome at schools in England! It obviously also wouldn’t be right if this happened in any other country.

Why is my daughter having to change schools where she’ll have to travel by bus (that I’ll have to pay for) when there’s a school nearby? It’s absolutely ridiculous. But yes, I don’t really have much choice, my daughter's happiness and wellbeing comes first.

I’ll be honest with the school about why she’s leaving. I haven’t raised it with school before because I felt awkward as a privileged white person complaining about racism. I think I should probably have got over myself and said something before. Racism is never ok.

All schools should be mixed, how can we ever properly integrate if schools are all Asian, all white, all whatever? But I have no idea how it can be resolved without being discriminatory - we can’t allocate school places based on ethnicity. That just sounds wrong.

Where is this?

What’s the issue with play dates by the way?

The GCSE results are great because the kids aren't allowed to go and hang around the streets aimlessly all the time. I wouldn't say that's a coincidence. I would want to stay at this school. Very difficult situation.

She might not find friends at a new school, if she did she might be too far away to hang out with them - and most importantly, her GCSEs will suffer.

Can you afford to get a tutor for any subjects that are not up to scratch in the other school?

If she does fit in on a day to day basis, I would feel so conflicted in removing her.

She clearly doesn’t fit in on a day to day basis. Did you read the op?

@flynnpink from what I can gather from my own experience as a kid, it seems to be that the children’s parents are worried that religious dietary restrictions won’t be followed - things like accidentally giving a Muslim kid Haribo sweets not realising they contain gelatin which is haram.

And for older kids, it’s around concerns about their child being introduced to things they don’t agree with - opposite sex friendships/relationships, alcohol, etc.

Move her op. Definitely the right decision here. kids will do well when they feel happy .

@hmnj Long day? Read lines 7/8 of the OP

So it’s an issue of trust then.

What do you mean with English kids?

Don’t be goady.

Why?

OP specifically mentions English kids.

What do you think she means? We all know what she means.

What does she mean?

You know what she means.

Are some groups not allowed a descriptor for themselves? If so, which groups are? And aren’t?

@bemoresloth how did you not understand what I said? I’m not sure how I can make it clearer. Kids who were born and raised in England going to schools in England feeling like they don’t fit in and like they aren’t welcome at those schools in England because they are English. I’m not saying it’s fine for other kids to experience racism if that’s what you were getting at?

Could somebody please explain what each person means or thinks they mean?
I am genuinely confused......

She’s having a go at you inferring that the South Asian children aren’t indeed ‘English’.

I was born and raised in England I'm English but I'm also not white, you can be English and not white OP

You’re not.

Yes, I did read the OP, which stated that she had friends. Therefore, despite the cultural issues, I would consider that "fitting in". Friends are valuable.

Eh?

So what shall we call a person that was born and raised here and their parents were born and raised here and their parents were born and raised here going back centuries? Or does that history not matter if the person in question is white?

English with English heritage?

You're confusing race and nationality....