Good school but child is a minority

[Eudaimonia11]

This is so bloody awkward! Please be kind.

DD is in Year 9 at the best school where we live, it has great GCSE results and it’s quite a well sought after school. The problem is she’s the only white kid in her classes and one of only about 5 white kids in the whole year.

She has friends at school but doesn’t feel like she fits in - the school is predominantly Muslim and we’re not. She feels so lonely outside of school as none of her friends are allowed to socialise. She’s started army cadets which has definitely helped but she still feels lonely and wants mates to just hang out with at weekends.

I went to a secondary school that was pretty much 50/50 white and Pakistani/Bangladeshi. Most of my Asian mates couldn’t hang out outside of school but I did have two friends who were allowed out and we’d walk around the shops on a Saturday afternoon or I’d go to their house (they weren’t allowed to come to mine). It was nowhere near as bad as it is for DD.

Her school have a “Culture Day” once a term which is approx every 6 weeks where DD says she feels excluded and is made to feel bad about being English. She says every single time, she gets comments from people making fun of her for having no culture. Instead of the well-intentioned day being about celebrating diversity, it seems to be a day where DD feels like crap.

There is a teacher who makes jokes in Urdu each lesson (not about DD!) and that makes her feel more excluded. I experienced the same at primary school when I was the only white kid in the class, I remember how much it used to upset me but I didn’t tell anyone. Mr Hussein, you were horrible!

DD did have a school friend who she would go out at weekends with but she’s moved quite far away so they’ve lost touch.

DD is begging me to let her move schools. She’d have to travel by bus to get to the nearest school that is more mixed and that school isn’t as good.

I don’t want her GCSEs to be affected just for the sake of her having friends that don’t ridicule her for being English. I’m also worried about her starting a new school where she doesn’t know anyone halfway through Year 9. What if she gets bullied? What if it’s worse than where she is now?

But I can see how much this is all affecting her. She’s gone from enjoying school in Year 7 to hating it in Year 9.

What should I do?

If we talk about Chinese kids we all know what type of kids we are talking about yes?

why can’t we say English kids? The OP literally says her child is bullied for being English.

Move her. A friend’s DD was in a very similar setup and it ended with her being racially bullied in a way that the school couldn’t ignore any longer. Her parents moved her as the school was too late in bothering to do anything about it. She thrived in her next school which wasn’t so academically high-powered but considerably more diverse and nurturing.

Move your daughter. For the same, human reasons an ethnic minority child might feel left out at a majority white school, your daughter feels left out and this won't change.

Oh my god move her. Why did you send her here? Friendships are such a huge part of childhood and teenage years.

Aren't the majority of kids in schools in England born and raised in England or more accurarely the UK?

Maybe your DD's school is an outlier with children mostly born and raised abroad

Move your kid. And explain why.

Good to know btw that those of us who are non white are apparently not English despite being secular, mixing with everyone, doing sleepovers and ' properly integrating".

You can’t know that. As I said in my previous post, friend’s DD thrived in her next school and came out with 9s and one 8 at GCSE.

One of the reasons with us in primary was because we had a dog and dogs are “Haram” that was said to dd several times, he was a small, gentle breed so not a big scary kind of dog at all.

At secondary the students self organised into cultural/ethnic/racial groups and dd was one of only approx 7 white kids across the entire year group, reducing to 3 in sixth form. The various groups simply weren’t interested in befriending dd.

This is why I didn’t post on here earlier, there’s always someone who will pick things apart and make it into something it’s not.

The first page and a half of replies were genuinely helpful but then it turns into “are you a massive racist? Are you saying you hate anyone who isn’t white?”

Anyone with half a brain cell can see I’m not saying that at all.

I expect the next replies to be: “do you hate people with brain injuries? Are you saying you hate disabled people OP?

Is it all possible that when discussing such sensitive matters that good faith could be assumed and the OP not be leapt upon the moment potentially “sensitive” language is used? These matters are really hard to negotiate, made even harder when attempts at conversation is stymied because people are so frightened of saying the wrong thing.

You need to move her
I am not getting dragged into any discussion on racism but having classmates who cannot socialise is a real issue
My DC were at a mixed primary and both had friends from a variety of backgrounds but by around Y6 the Muslim girls didn't really mix anymore, although the boys did.

I’m glad you posted. It happened to my dd too and we have to be able to talk about the negatives of such situations as well as the positives without it being declared immediately as racist/ignorant/bigoted.

I would imagine most of the Asian and Muslim kids were also born in England.

@Holluschickie but this isn’t about skin colour - if the other kids were secular, socialised, and did sleepovers she wouldn’t be lonely and wouldn’t be wanting to move schools and I wouldn’t be posting on MN!

I shouldn’t have specified that we’re white and English - that would have probably got rid of most of the silly comments. I should have just said she’s a minority at school and left it at that.

You’re being a bit silly now.

And I don’t think that poster was being goady at all. You used “English” to mean white, as though the last 70 years never happened. Also a bit silly of you.

However - pretty much everyone has said you need to move your DD, so I hope you can start looking at alternatives.

Move her. Being miserable and lonely will have a more adverse effect than moving school. And put in a complaint about the teacher making jokes in Urdu. That is unacceptable if she makes no effort to include your dd.

The thing is these families are not behaving like they’re English. They might have been born here but they are not embracing the UK’s open, tolerant and welcoming values

Are we not English? Bloody hell, I’ve been getting it wrong all these years! So we’re white, definitely not English, got it.

How do we differentiate white people from different countries? Or do we just not bother? Probably easier to just not bother really.

You are being silly now. Nobody said you weren't English.

St Olave’s in Orpington I’m guessing. It’s one of the highest performing schools in the country.

I'd concentrate on her education, I think.

There are no guarantees that she'd have loads of friends in a more white school.

Does she not keep in touch with friends from primary?

I certainly wouldn't move her jut to have more white people around.

Bless you OP, please do move her - her having friends and feeling happy at school is much more likely to give her good results and a life long love of learning than just sending to her to a school that seems good on paper. And as soon as you know you’re able to move her I’d be making as big a fuss as possible about the reasons you are moving her - as high up as you can. Schools are often overseen by a trust or something and they can bring in external people to help change the culture of the place if it isn’t welcoming to all. Good luck to your daughter and I hope she thrives in her new school, you’re doing a great job - she can come to you with her concerns and you are listening to her. Xxx

I would move her.

I moved one of mine when asked.

She found her people, real friends.

Being able to socialize will make everything a lot easier. Nothing worse than feeling you don’t fit in.

We move jobs because of this - why shouldn’t she move?

She’s been there 3 years at least!

What I am saying is that my kids are just as English as yours despite currently being dressed in saris and heading off to Diwali dancing, but also dating white and Jewish people. Us Asians contain multitudes!

Just say the kids won't mix with yours.That's a good enough reason to move.

I don't get this view. I am black British, DH is half English, so white, and half black African. British is the nationality whereas English is an ethnic group. A D family member is married to a British Indian. No?