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Secondary education

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Original poster

Hugging teachers at secondary school

103 replies

elliejjtiny · 03/06/2025 12:49

Ds5 is 11, about to leave primary school. He has autism and emotional development delay (last time he was tested he was 8 years behind his actual age emotionally). He has been on lots of visits to the secondary school with me and yesterday he went to visit with his primary school TA and other pupils.

Ds is a sensory seeker and loves hugs. We have worked on appropriate hugging with him and if he is not closely supervised he will hug anyone so we always give him one to one attention when out and remind him not to hug people he doesn't know, always ask if people want a hug etc. It's exhausting sometimes and I get jealous of parents who can sit and enjoy a coffee in peace while their 3/4 year old's play when I have to constantly watch my 11 year old but I think we are making progress.

When we visited the secondary school for open evening ds hugged all the teachers. Being used to grumpy hormonal teenagers they all said how lovely it was and one teacher told him he never gets hugs from students so now ds thinks he needs more hugs.

I let him but then as long as he asks first and reminded him that they are safe adults, mummy knows them and if they want to be hugged that's fine. He hugs the staff in primary school too, but not the children, he is a bit wary of the other children in his class. A few staff members at primary school have said they will miss him and his huge when he leaves.

He came home from school yesterday a bit miffed because he had been hugging the teachers and his class TA from primary school had told him off. He said to me he hadn't hugged anyone without asking first and he hadn't hugged anyone who wasn't staff, he was very proud of himself for remembering that.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. Should I be telling him not to hug anyone at secondary school? At the moment I think he is doing really well to recognise that he should only but certain people.

OP posts:
Redcliffe1 · 03/06/2025 12:52

I would ask the senco lead at the secondary school and go with whatever they say. He sounds adorable

Darragon · 03/06/2025 12:53

It's a difficult one because I get that this is important to him but at the same time, it's putting the staff in a difficult safeguarding position. As a teacher I wouldn't want to have close physical contact with students because it can so easily be misconstrued or twisted into something that it isn't. So I can see both sides of this and I don't think there's a good answer that will work for everyone.

arachnidadriana · 03/06/2025 12:59

From a safeguarding perspective it’s a no-no (for all involved). However I can see how tricky this is given your son’s needs. It’s great that you’ve taught him to ask permission, as it’s really important that he understands about his own and other people’s bodily autonomy.

Is he going in for full body hugs? If the staff are happy for him to, it may be more appropriate for him to lean in and they do a one arm around the shoulder type hug. Especially at secondary age, full body to body contact is not really appropriate and if I were staff (from a protecting myself perspective) I would be saying no thank you.

If he’s sensory seeking/needing sensory input then this need can and should be met in other ways. Has he seen an occupational therapist? They’re best placed to advise.

Chints · 03/06/2025 13:10

I would start with asking the secondary school SENCo. This kind of thing is much better handled with a clear united front - even a slightly different message from you and school could leave him very uncertain.

clary · 03/06/2025 13:26

Ah @elliejjtiny what a difficult issue.

I have to tell you that a lot of secondary schools have a “no touch” policy for any staff member and any student. It’s to protect the staff as much as anything.

The school I worked in for longest did not really have this as an absolute strict policy, but basically hugging was certainly not allowed. Or even something like a supportive hand on a shoulder. I guess we were allowed to use some element of physicality to stop a fight (I would never pull a kid off another but I have in my time stood between them).

I think you definitely need to speak to the school ad get their take on this, and then follow what they say. So sorry if this might be challenging for your son, who sounds lovely.

NotAnotherOne1234 · 03/06/2025 13:38

As his emotional age was 4 the last time he was tested, is it possible that you are underestimating his ability to learn that it's not appropriate to hug everyone.
You could look at is as a good opportunity for him to develop that understanding. If he can manage it, it will be protective for both him & the staff.

At aged 4, children understand that it's not ok to hug people other than family, and even then, it depends on who it is in the family.

Koalafan · 03/06/2025 13:41

I honestly think that it would be a good idea to teach him not to hug teaching staff at secondary school.

Original poster
elliejjtiny · 03/06/2025 15:46

Thank you. I think the emotional development test said that he was "pre school level" and that was about a year ago. He hasn't been tested since so I don't know if he has increased or stayed the same. He seems less mature than my friend's 4 year old.

I've spoken to the secondary school senco (and he has hugged her). It's a proper full on hug that he does. They have some giant teddy bears that the students who get angry can thump so the senco has said he is welcome to hug the teddy bears if he wants to. I have tried getting him an appointment with an OT but haven't been able to so far, will chase it up again.

OP posts:
celticprincess · 03/06/2025 17:08

Does he have an EHCP?? Is a mainstream secondary what is most suitable?? I know in send schools whilst hugging is still frowned upon there are different ways of dealing with them or offering something to replace the hug. Definitely seek an OT assessment as it might be he would benefit from a weighted jacket/hiller type thing. There one called a bear hug I’ve seen used which really wraps tightly around the child. But these need to be issued by an OT really and mainstream would stand out.

Deneke · 03/06/2025 17:10

I am really surprised that the teachers let him hug them at the open day. At the school where I teach we are not allowed to hug pupils and would be fired if we did!
Hugging at secondary school is seen as a safeguarding no-no

Creamteasandbumblebees · 03/06/2025 17:13

It's so difficult, I've looked after a (female) 'hugger' before as TA, and while I didn't mind I know a lot of the male teachers were very uncomfortable with it. We encouraged a special handshake or a high five that seemed to work well. The SEND department may be able to offer some support.

Loramora · 03/06/2025 17:14

He sounds lovely OP! But I think you may do well to try and nip this in the bud before secondary due to the staff but also, kids are cruel. If he is going to be labelled as the kid in the year 7 cohort who hugs his teachers it may open him up to uncruel comments. I say this as a mother of a emotionally delayed child who just started year 7! It's been a very eye opening experience!

ADarknessOfDragons · 03/06/2025 17:17

I would think the hugging might be difficult at secondary level.

My autistic and ADHD daughter was a hugger at primary school. It was a small village primary and her teacher had a system where she let go on the count of 3. She really struggled with overwhelm and for her it was definitely part of sensory seeking. She was assessed as being around age 4-5 with social and emotional skills when she was 10, hasn't been assessed since but is "younger" than same age peers (she's 15 this September).

An OT assessment would be really helpful to give you and school guidance on how to meet his sensory needs. Maybe a gym ball to bounce on and roll over (deep pressure/proprioception) or have the teacher/TA roll the ball on him if he lay on a mat.

I also work in a specialist college sp every student has a learning disability. Hugging is hugely discouraged, but does happen sometimes with some students. Some use weighted blankets and weighted vests, other proprioceptive activities, giving high 5s instead.

I hope his transition goes well!

mezlou84 · 03/06/2025 17:17

I could of written this about my son. We did stop it completely for high school. Kids noticed he was different as it was and picked on him and in high school it was worse. They don't see it as we do and kids are plain nasty to each other. The TA is likely trying to prepare him for high school. Unless it's a specialist school I would try curb it asap. He is now almost 17 and will hug me anywhere and everywhere in front of anyone so he hasn't changed too much just stopped hugging other adults that aren't family even teachers.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 03/06/2025 17:18

This is very unlikely to go down well at secondary. I'm really surprised that teachers at the open day responded positively. As secondary school teachers we are expected not to have physical contact with students beyond maybe a hand on the arm if a student is distressed. I wouldn't be comfortable with being hugged by a student, I'm afraid. Not just from a safeguarding point of view - I'm really not a hugger outside my immediate family!

cabbageking · 03/06/2025 17:21

Some children need a hug and some do not.
If it is child-initiated and appropriate to the situation and the child needs I would not be bothered.
We have a safe touch policy but ensure we are not alone or with a door closed with a child you know may want to hug you.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 03/06/2025 17:24

Were you there when he was hugging all the secondary teachers on open evening? If so, he might not have got the very curt “no” he would have got otherwise.

I agree that you need to speak to the SENDCO and get a school policy on this so you’re all singing from the same hymn sheet.

RawBloomers · 03/06/2025 17:28

It sounds difficult, OP. Agree with talking to SENCO. One issue to consider is that he’s going to get older and go through puberty while at secondary. What teachers (probably especially female teachers) are fine with now may change in a few years. Will you be able to put in a strategy that allows his teachers to step back from hugging that won’t leave him feeling rejected?

Icedcaramelfrappe · 03/06/2025 17:37

My last school was an SEN one and we had a no hugging rule to protect staff really. If I had anyonen wanting a hug I had mastered stepping back and redirecting while patting thier arm, It's sad but not okay really as there could be issues from both sides. I would be teaching him that it is not appropriate as although they are safe adults we have boundaries that we need to follow

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 03/06/2025 17:39

I think it's out of line for the primary TA to assume this and tell him, as I imagine if it is going to have to stop, you'd want to tell him a certain way.
I do think it's a good age to try and stop if he can and replace with a different option. The teddy bear sounds good, or my son likes the tight huggie t shirts that give sensory feedback all ove (he's not a hugger though, he's a leaner which is less obvious but also less lovely!)
I'd get it built into his iep or whatever document the school use to document his needs and support. I'm imagining he'll still get 121 support, could it just be the ta who is with him more often that he hugs? It might be a way to whittle it down from "all teachers" to just a few specific safe adults.
Definitely get it all in place and in writing before he starts, I think clear boundaries will be so important and then if the school need to adjust anything they'll have to speak with you first. I feel like the worst situation would be day one he hugs a teacher and they recoil and he feels rejected and unsure of his "rules" anymore.

Piggywaspushed · 03/06/2025 17:40

Can he be taught high fiving? (Even then some teachers might decline).

I have had a few students with similar needs at my school who were quite keen on hugs and touch and they were taught to high five staff (and taught to hold their hand up first and learn that not all teachers will touch their hand).

I'd worry at secondary school about him also trying to hug older students.

Sorry, OP, but I don't think this will be OK at secondary.

theresnolimits · 03/06/2025 17:48

Secondary school teacher here. Please stop him doing this. We have a strict ‘no touch’ policy for everyone’s safety and comfort. Physical contact between teacher and child can be so easily misconstrued.

In addition, I would personally feel really uncomfortable even being asked. It crosses a line and puts me in a really awkward situation. I don’t do high fives, hands on shoulders or indeed any type of touch. I wouldn’t do it with colleagues either.

24Dogcuddler · 03/06/2025 17:48

We used to encounter this a lot during transition in our SEN support service.

We came across children being excluded for touching and hugging in secondary schools. It is generally discouraged and in some schools unacceptable.

You and school have time to work on this.
Use a circles of proximity visual ( you can make one or find one online)
You then work on placing named people in a coloured circle/ band
e.g.middle circle Green ( immediate family siblings etc) ok to hug
outer rings
Yellow ( wider family people he knows well) ask for a hug
Orange ( friends professionals he knows well etc) might have a hug
Red Teachers at “ big school” strangers, police officer, window cleaner milkman etc
NO HUGS
He can place people/ categories in the right area
When out you can remind him e.g. red person no hugs

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/06/2025 17:50

RawBloomers · 03/06/2025 17:28

It sounds difficult, OP. Agree with talking to SENCO. One issue to consider is that he’s going to get older and go through puberty while at secondary. What teachers (probably especially female teachers) are fine with now may change in a few years. Will you be able to put in a strategy that allows his teachers to step back from hugging that won’t leave him feeling rejected?

Yes, it's all fine being hugged by somebody under five foot tall, but it's a different matter entirely when they're six foot six and fifteen stone - and even more so if they're used to hugging you before puberty kicks in with unexpected bodily reactions.

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