Hugging teachers at secondary school

[elliejjtiny]

Ds5 is 11, about to leave primary school. He has autism and emotional development delay (last time he was tested he was 8 years behind his actual age emotionally). He has been on lots of visits to the secondary school with me and yesterday he went to visit with his primary school TA and other pupils.

Ds is a sensory seeker and loves hugs. We have worked on appropriate hugging with him and if he is not closely supervised he will hug anyone so we always give him one to one attention when out and remind him not to hug people he doesn't know, always ask if people want a hug etc. It's exhausting sometimes and I get jealous of parents who can sit and enjoy a coffee in peace while their 3/4 year old's play when I have to constantly watch my 11 year old but I think we are making progress.

When we visited the secondary school for open evening ds hugged all the teachers. Being used to grumpy hormonal teenagers they all said how lovely it was and one teacher told him he never gets hugs from students so now ds thinks he needs more hugs.

I let him but then as long as he asks first and reminded him that they are safe adults, mummy knows them and if they want to be hugged that's fine. He hugs the staff in primary school too, but not the children, he is a bit wary of the other children in his class. A few staff members at primary school have said they will miss him and his huge when he leaves.

He came home from school yesterday a bit miffed because he had been hugging the teachers and his class TA from primary school had told him off. He said to me he hadn't hugged anyone without asking first and he hadn't hugged anyone who wasn't staff, he was very proud of himself for remembering that.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. Should I be telling him not to hug anyone at secondary school? At the moment I think he is doing really well to recognise that he should only but certain people.

I'm a Year 7 form tutor and I have a boy who sounds just like your son, he's a big sensory seeker. He sat on his 1-1 assistant's lap on the open day.

You'll be surprised at how they slot in with their peers as they get used to high school. Earlier in the year, this boy would give me a hug on the yard to start the day. As the year's gone on, he now links my arm as we walk in from the yard, I'm ok with this. He still plays very young games and the other kids just get it, and let him, they are kind. We have a safe space for any Y7 pupils who need it to use at break and lunch.

I guess what I'm trying to say is make sure your son gets a kind and nurturing form tutor who will support his gentle transition to high school. And please know that although high schools seem like lots of rough and tumble, there are so many staff and older pupils looking out for our vulnerable pupils and helping them have a good experience of school.

As a teacher I would be worried about this for several reasons that people have mentioned and also the other kids will think he's weird (!). Can you train him that now he's bigger, he should shake hands and practise this? Everyone might then just think he's a bit eccentric and quirky?

The new school should be able to advise on how they handle things like this.
may school has cue cards with details of what’s appropriate
Teacher Hi Fi yes, hug No
that time of thing

I’m sorry to say but I would feel really uncomfortable with a student hugging me. Even knowing what you’ve said about your son I would hate it, if you can teach him not to then I would.

Presumably this isn't a mainstream secondary school he's going to, so the staff should be used to this sort of thing and have strategies in place to deal with it.

Between now and September would be a very good time to try to shift his hugging to family only. Is there a more age appropriate sensory seeking activity he could do? Wall presses or something?

It isn’t fair to ask people if they want a hug because how can they turn him down without seeming incredibly mean. By letting him ask people, you are giving him confusing messages about who he can hug. It is much easier for him if he knows he can hug certain named people.

As he heads towards puberty, it will get increasingly unacceptable and he might get some very nasty reactions if he doesn’t have clear rules about personal space.

It breaks my heart to say this, because your son sounds like an absolute sweetheart and is doing nothing wrong, but you do need to stop the hugs for everyone other than close friends and family. In a couple of years he'll be a teenager, then an adult man, and it's just not fair on the people he'll come across and want to hug.

Gently, no secondary school teacher wants a hug. Those that would allow one are not only putting themselves in a potentially serious safeguarding situation but are also acting unprofessionally. Your child should not be touching staff. Ever.

Nothing to add op, but he sounds so sweet!

Reminds me of a girl who loved hugs and was about his age. She'd be giving us all hugs at the sen swimming group i'd take dd to

She actually took to my dd, aged 5 then, and began trying to lift and throw her in the water

We stopped her but dd loved it 😭😭

I wonder how shes doing, I hope well.

Well done for him remembering the hugging rules though x

Thank you. It's a mainstream school. He has an ehcp. I couldn't get him into special needs school, the lea fought us every step of the way with his ehcp and they are still fighting with the secondary school. His ehcp says 1-1 but he only has band 4 funding. There are 2 children with ehcp's in the year above him but 6 in his year with another 8 children being assessed for one. None of the special needs schools were right for him anyway, although I would have preferred a special needs school with mainly non verbal children with learning disabilities than a mainstream secondary school where he has the emotional age of a 3 year old and the others are all much more mature.

He has an older brother who is sensory avoiding whose heart rate and blood pressure go through the roof if he is touched , never mind hugged so he understands that some people get poorly if the get hugged. I just have to say Ben can't have hugs because he is like Alex and ds understands.

If this is a mainstream secondary, presumably you'll be talking with him about all the ways it will be different from his primary school. Which makes it the perfect timing to address the hugging. I'm probably he'll only have had a few teachers. He will come across very many more at his next school, so it would be impossible for every teacher to be aware of him and his needs, or aware of the behaviour plan around hugging. So it really does need addressing.

So yes, explaining to him that at secondary school you can't hug teachers can sit alongside all the other differences. Take to the SENDCOs of both schools and have a plan in place.

Sorry but from a Secondary staff point of view this is not cute or adorable, it completely crosses the line, no exceptions.
It's not about "finding the nice teachers" who engage with it, because in the vast majority of schools that "nice teacher" would be instantly under the radar for safeguarding "support".

Apart from that it's never too early to teach your child that touching others is based on consent rather than personal need, it's a really important life lesson regardless of additional needs or character.

I would go for no hugging normal teachers.
But maybe see if the year pastoral person will permit.

He sounds so sweet but I would really discourage this if you can, children can be so cruel - especially year 7s! There can be a real pack mentality there and hugging teachers means he will be highlighted immediately as different and teenagers will isolate him or be actively horrible.

Can you ask him to high five teachers instead? Much more discrete and socially acceptable, not a safeguarding issue, and gives him some form of sensory input?

Your DS sounds a sweetheart and I’m sorry he’s been let down by not having the correct specialist placement. I can’t imagine a DC who is emotionally at a pre school level having their needs met at a mainstream state secondary. Hopefully he gets a good 1:1 to support him.

Definitely teach him to not hug any of the teachers at secondary. It’s not appropriate.

As a secondary teacher, I agree 100% with this.

Another secondary teacher here... please teach your son not to do this.

Telling him to ask first is no solution, because many people will say yes even if they are not happy, just to relieve awkwardness or even (as he gets bigger) for fear of an unexpected reaction if they say no.

After your son goes through puberty which may be quite soon, it will come across very badly, it may be perceived as sexual or intimidating.

Band 4? Pretty sure that's very high level, around £14k a year extra for him? My friend's son has what sounds like lower needs than your son and has even more additional funding, does a 50% timetable and has a 1:1 (he's Y9 now).

Also, is there nothing in your area more suitable? How is your son academically? You'll always have to fight the LA for a specialist placement. Standard 🙄

I had a battle over my daughter's EHCP and did go to tribunal (and won) for her provision.

Not RTFT but this could cause issues when he is older with the possibility of it being seen as sexual harassment.

this needs nipping in the bud.

I would teach him a blanket no hugging rule at school, especially as he gets older.

As well as the suggestions for weighted blankets/vests, etc. you could try a cuddle ball, weighted toy and bodysok.

If your preference wasn’t a mainstream school, have you appealed?

If DS requires OT it should be in his EHCP. Is it? If not, did you appeal for that?

Safeguarding person here and unfortunately another saying that hugging just isn’t right in a secondary school setting, for a number of reasons which others have already laid out.

I would also not recommend high fives / handshakes unless the SENCO at the school is happy with it and every teacher is on board with it. Would ‘big smile and saying ‘thank you’ work instead? That way he shows his appreciation / kind side without it crossing into dangerous territory for the staff & mockery / cruelty from the other pupils.

I do feel for you, it must be an incredibly difficult situation to be in, but hugs at the size of a year 7 are vastly different to those at year 11 and post-puberty.

Good luck.

Thank you. One of the people he hugged at the open day was the safeguarding lead. OT isn't in his ehcp. At the time I was more worried about his safety because in primary school he has 1-1 when moving around school or going out etc and I was concerned that if he didn't have that in secondary he would wander off and get hurt.

Academically he is about average. He used to be greater depth for maths but that went down to expected in year 5. The special needs schools are for children with either significant learning disabilities or very challenging behaviour.

Forgot to add that we have tried a bodysok which he loved but it didn't stop him hugging. We have also tried a thing that is like 3 inflatable cylinders that you squeeze through and a horse riding simulator. We have loads of different sensory equipment at home, including a vibrating exercise plate, a giant ball on wheels, a whizzy dizzy and a vibrating snake.

He will figure it out as he goes. You do need to check that he will get the 1:1 support as at secondary schools, sometimes it doesn’t happen in the same way as primary. Eg support might be there for English and maths but not languages / humanities etc.

his class TA should have known what he’s like and not scolded him.

one thing to be wary of is now that he is going to secondary, he will shoot up in height so it is good you are doing work on this as a Y6 hugging is different from a y11 approaching who may be taller than you!!