Separated parents can’t agree on secondary school

[Rance105]

My partner’s eldest is due to start secondary school next year (2025) and applications are due in soon. He and his ex wife can’t agree on which school their son should attend.

DP wants him to go to a school within walking distance of us. It’s a great school and we actually moved to the area in order to make sure the kids would be in catchment.

His ex wants him to go to a secondary school which most of his friends will attend. She no longer lives in the area, and we’re also out of catchment. It’s historically been undersubscribed, I suspect because their results are so poor.

She says that it’s all about the child’s wishes and is dead set on that school being their first choice.

We disagree and believe that he’ll get a far better education at DP’s first choice of school. He wouldn’t be able to travel to the other school under his own steam when with us (50/50 custody, one week on, one week off) so it would logistically be a nightmare to get him there with three other children to consider. We also can’t see the logic of sending a child to school in a town where he no longer lives with either parent. He’s a nice kid and makes friends easily.

Neither side is backing down. My question is - what happens if it remains at a stalemate? What factors would a court take into account if it was to get that far? The child benefit is paid to her but is split 50/50 if that makes a difference. Any advice would be so appreciated.

I think, but I’m happy to be corrected, that if child benefit is paid to her, she can complete the preference form.

Depending on admission criteria, he may not get a place at an out of town school anyway and may not meet the criteria on distance. If it’s undersubscribed though, that may well not be a factor. If he wants to go there too, it makes it more difficult. Is there a school bus or any bus that he could travel on?

Where does the son want to go?

Would the Ex be able to get dc to school from her home easily? What distances are involved?

Does she have other children or are the 3 other children yours?

If the dc is genuinely expressing a preference to attend a school with friends then it's understandable that she wants to support them.

Have you spoken to the dc, have they visited?

I'm 100% for a good education but equally I'm not sure you can force an 11year to go to a school of your choice.

Concern is that "neither party is backing down" which sounds as if it's more to do with winning - are both sides operating in good faith?

A poor school often gets great investment so don't write it off for that reason alone, keep an open mind.

There is a bus but it would be a fair old walk for him to get to the school from where it goes. DP’s ex would have to drive him either way, but DP’s preferred school would actually be closer for her. She did threaten earlier today to put her nearest school as the first choice, which isn’t one they’ve even considered or been to view. She rents and may not even stay in that area.

It does feel as though she’s just trying to cause problems. DP broached the topic with her before we moved into the area (we’re paying a premium because of the great local schools) and she seemed amenable. It’s very frustrating that she’s now going back on that and it feels as though the move could’ve been for nothing :( I would hope that if it came down to it, a court would take the educational side of it into account. The difference in results between the two schools is huge. But I can’t even work out if that’s even taken into consideration.

What does the child want to do? And has he visited both schools?
Have his parents spoken to him about each school and how he would travel to them.
If one school is in a town neither parents lives anymore have they considered how the application process will work and if you are eligible to apply for a school outside your LA

It should rest on where the child wants to go. He won’t get a good education if he’s not happy.

He wants to go to the school his primary school friends will go to. He’s starting to make friends locally now, so I would hope that he would know a few kids in our area by the time he starts secondary 🤞it’s just not a good school. They have all sorts of behavioural issues, and their results are rock bottom.

“ would hope that if it came down to it, a court would take the educational side of it into account. The difference in results between the two schools is huge. But I can’t even work out if that’s even taken into consideration.”

I don’t think it would be, because the “official line” is that every school is good enough. After all, some children will be at the school you don’t like and have no real choice about it. The child’s wishes may carry some weight at this stage.

The DC needs to tour both schools. If one school is so much rougher and worse than the other one, maybe he'll see that for himself?

Do you have 50/50 care and where does the child stay on the majority of school nights

ETA sorry - you answered in the op!

Do you want to stick with one week on and one week off in secondary school? That might be harder if he is starting eg scouts on a specific night near a specific parent.

It would actually be easier for her to get to the school near us. She’s moved away from where they were living. They have visited both schools and he liked both, but he’s just completely focused on the friends he’s made at primary. I get it, and would’ve felt the same at his age, but my DP and I genuinely believe that the other school would be a better fit for him and that he’d be happy there.

He’s making friends locally now, and I suspect that by the time he starts secondary school those friendships would be well established. It’s not just the educational side, it’s the behavioural stuff too. There are a lot of issues at the school he prefers.

They have one other child (younger) and I have two.

Are you potentially putting the logistical ease for you ahead of everything else? You mentioned the fact it was walking distance straight away. Could you have a bias towards this school for that alone, because it suits you and your kids, and that is why the ex doesn’t see it the same way?

He’s visited both and liked both. He’s just very focused on being with his friends. I have a lot of sympathy for that, but he’s already making new friends locally in the few months we’ve lived here and he’d still be able to see his old friends even if he was to go to a different school to them. The school is in our LA, it’s just a bit of a trek and we’re out of catchment. If it was at capacity it wouldn’t even be a conversation, but because it’s undersubscribed there’s a good chance he’d get in. The thing is that it’s undersubscribed because people don’t want their children going there. Its reputation is really poor.

If the exW hadn’t moved and therefore DSS was still at primary with the friends all going to this school, would you feel differently?

Honestly, we moved to the area so that we would be in catchment. The fact that it’s a great school is the main driver in all of this. So yes logistically it would be great, but for us it’s about the standard of education he would get.

He is still at that primary school with his friends.

Has he tried doing the commute to both schools?

Does he realise it's the difference between a short walk and a giant trek on his own?

If he's just gone by car this may not yet be very meaningful to him.

I think you have to go by the child's wishes on this one. Is there any way he could get to the school by himself? A couple of busses etc? Or maybe the 50-50 altered so you do Friday to Monday?

Given that the child benefit is paid to her, ot is irrelevant how good the school close to your home is. The child will not be eligible for is as the mum's home address must be used and her address will not be in catchment/will be too far away when distance is used as a tiebreaker. This won't matter for the school she wants if it's undersubscribed.

That’s not the case in the area we live. Where parents share custody 50/50 you can apply from either address according to our local council. But the problem is that they can’t agree.

if he goes to the school you’re not keen on can he physically get there on his own….how long a walk/bike ride/bus journey is it? Because if you have yo7 her kids and can’t Take him just tell him and his mother that. That on the weeks he’s at yours he has to make his own way to school. 🤷‍♀️

I did have a friend in this position and the court sided with the mum/child. Dad had also said from a logistical pov the school they wanted was very difficult to get to. But court did not listen to this. In their case the school the mum/child wanted was the best school in town, not sure if that affected the court decision .

Do people really let their child choose a school based on where friends are going? They might not even be friends this time next year. If this wasn't a dispute between parents I don't think anyone would be advocating choosing the school further away. I think most people if they had the option would choose the closer 'better' school. The other school makes no logistical sense

That’s what I’m really interested in getting to the bottom of, whether the quality of the school is a factor in how they decide. I can’t find any kind of answers online. I genuinely believe that he would be happier at the better school. He makes friends easily and they have fantastic facilities there. I completely get why he wants to go to a school where his friends will be, but it’s thinking of the long-term future. He also wants to eat McDonald’s every night, but that’s also not best for his long-term future 😂