Separated parents can’t agree on secondary school

[Rance105]

My partner’s eldest is due to start secondary school next year (2025) and applications are due in soon. He and his ex wife can’t agree on which school their son should attend.

DP wants him to go to a school within walking distance of us. It’s a great school and we actually moved to the area in order to make sure the kids would be in catchment.

His ex wants him to go to a secondary school which most of his friends will attend. She no longer lives in the area, and we’re also out of catchment. It’s historically been undersubscribed, I suspect because their results are so poor.

She says that it’s all about the child’s wishes and is dead set on that school being their first choice.

We disagree and believe that he’ll get a far better education at DP’s first choice of school. He wouldn’t be able to travel to the other school under his own steam when with us (50/50 custody, one week on, one week off) so it would logistically be a nightmare to get him there with three other children to consider. We also can’t see the logic of sending a child to school in a town where he no longer lives with either parent. He’s a nice kid and makes friends easily.

Neither side is backing down. My question is - what happens if it remains at a stalemate? What factors would a court take into account if it was to get that far? The child benefit is paid to her but is split 50/50 if that makes a difference. Any advice would be so appreciated.

Thank you for the reply, that’s really useful info. Obviously not what I wanted to hear but really good to better understand it and what might happen

They’re younger. They’ll be moving schools too but thankfully my ex husband and I are on the same page

Could you "do" a school run to each school with DSS so he understands what is involved rather than some theoretical journey. Do it from both current houses. Does he understand he won't be walking home with any of his mates if they all still live locally to Mum's choice?

How easy is the school run for Mum to her preferred school with the younger child also needing to get to their primary?

We also moved to an incredible secondary school and their school run was a 20 minute walk. Other children from their old primary went to a school a bus ride or car drive away, and spent an hour commuting in and an hour coming home adding 2 hours to their school day. This was purely down to traffic in the morning and then bus times for coming home. I still had to get Ds2 to primary so Ds1 had to walk in all weather.

Had he suggested he applies from his address but agrees to put the ex's preferred school as the second choice on the application?

As things stand he is likely to be regarded as a late applicant if y

....late applicant if both parents apply as they will be withdrawn, and presumably she claims the CB so ultimately the council might regard here as the primary address. At least including her choice may placate her enough to let him be the one to apply

How would that help @titchy? It sounds like they live close enough that they would get into Dad’s choice if they put it first frokmDad’s address, and that as DSS is at a feeder school and mum’s choice is undersubscribed, they would get into Mum’s choice if it was put first from either address.

The chances of him even remaining friends with his primary school friends is very slim. The high school will be bigger and he may not even be in a form with his primary school friends.

Who ever said you can’t force an 11yo to go to a specific school, of course you can they are 11yo as an adult and the parent you can bloody well tell them what to do!

The problem here is the mother either pandering to him, deliberately being difficult or not thinking of the bigger picture.

Has you DP sat his son down and talked about all the considerations

1 being able to walk to and from school, also meaning he will be able to do more clubs after school because he won’t be relying on pick ups and buses.

2 making new friends he can walk to and from school with more.

3 having more opportunities to hang out with friends after school as he won’t be relying on parents to pick up and needed to rely on public transport. Giving him more independence.

4 the school being bigger the children will be put in forms, he may not even be with his friends, this will include sets too, he may be forced to make new friends anyway but the disadvantage being they will live further away so he won’t get chances of hanging out all the time as he will be spilt between 2 homes and relying on parents to accommodate these friendships.

5 have you looked at what clubs each school offers.

6 is it a school bus or public transport. - lots of bullying happens on school buses. Also will the bus time table be restrictive. My DD goes to a school further away, we choose this school over the local school. The school bus has regularly had issues with fighting and bullying, even though it’s far better rated and better behaved children than other schools in the area. The school bus has 1 bus in the morning and 1 after school. If either bus is missed parents have to pick the child up. If the child wants to do a club, hang out with friends, gets a detention then the parents have to pick up, this is after paying £800 a year for the privilege of a seat on the bus.

We chose a combination of public transport and us doing school pick ups, but we took this into consideration when choosing the school.

I went to a school in another town, the only one from my school, it was so hard having friends out of school as until I was older I never got a chance to hang out with my new school friends. Making friends was great, but I missed out of loads out of school.

On the other hand, my friend made her DD go to a high school last year none of her school friends went to. Luckily it’s closer to her home, she loved meeting new friends and has excelled in the school. We both talked to my friends DD, both my friend and I were the only ones from our primary schools to attend the high school, we met on the first day and been friends for over 30years. So we were able to reassure friends dd how easy it would be and there will be kids just like her.

Also have these conversations been had in a nice civil way with the mum?

Not sure who gets preference but I think I’d absolutely go to court other high school choice as this is setting up your DSS future.

Because mum may be feeling her opinions have been ignored and is digging her heels in as a result. Agreeing to at least include her choice may be enough to make her feel like she has had a say in her child's school.

Hmmm. But it’s completely false comfort if she's got no chance of getting it, and let’s assume she is savvy enough to know that. If someone tried to palm me off with this, it would simply wind me up.

I think I once read that the biggest indicator of school happiness was going to a school where you had friends.

Ultimately, it should be the child’s choice.

Also, if things aren’t working, you can move him.

Also, if things aren’t working, you can move him.

Getting agreement to move would probably be harder than getting agreement is now. Not to mention that a move requires a desirable school to have a place.

If they do that, both forms will be disregarded.

If the school is really that bad, are his friends definitely going there? Will their parents not be looking out of catchment for a better option? They might not be shouting about it for fear of being seen as snobby or something but it must be a possibility?

I agree with doing both school runs with him, and pointing out the benefits of local clubs, local friends etc. DD is absolutely buzzing about being in Y7, walking to school with her mates, she feels really grown up. She can decide on the spot to stay for a club if she wants. I think she'd definitely feel like she was missing out if she got a lift every day.

i let DS1 and DH choose his secondary school. Despite my concerns.
I also let DH sway me on DD’s primary.
both were bad. I now choose schools!

DD is absolutely buzzing about being in Y7, walking to school with her mates, she feels really grown up. She can decide on the spot to stay for a club if she wants.

This is such a huge advantage of going to a secondary school a walk or short bus ride away - the independence and freedom to choose and be spontaneous. It's also much easier to build friendships when you can arrange on the spur of the moment to meet up on Saturday without having to check first if a parent will be available to drive you.

I didn't know anyone when I went to secondary school, but I made a lot of friends whom I kept throughout my school career. I really don't think existing friendships should be the deciding factor.

It’s not your job to ferry around your DPs children - DP needs to sort this.

This exact situation happened to my sister- they had 50/50 custody. It went to court and they went on the child’s wishes, which was the father’s preferred school. It was an absolute nightmare for her- she had 2 other DC to get to school across town and it meant DS catching a really early bus when it was his week with her. But the court didn’t take any of that into account.

So if I were you I’d either suck it up or work on changing DSS’s mind!

You don’t need to change custody but a serious conversation with the Ex about a potential change due to the unrealistic situation may help her understand how this isn’t just about her DS picking a school his friends go to but how the selection of a high school is so much more than that one thing.

You will need to either compromise or start to actually listen to her to open a dialogue.

The compromise position that might work is that it would be possible to move from good school to bad school at any point, as it's undersubscribed, but not vice versa. Would you agree to DS moving if he does a term/year at your school and he wants to change?

Ex is considering both her kids going to the same school, same as you are, so be sympathetic to the fact that DSS going to your school rules that out for her.

If he still wanted to change after a year then absolutely we’d be open to that. DP
just wants him to be happy, we both do. It’s not the case that their youngest wouldn’t be going to the same school, we’d hope that he would go to the same one and intend to stay in the catchment area so they would be together, along with my kids who they are extremely close to. DP has really tried to start a dialogue with her, and has been trying since January, when she initially seemed very happy that we would be moving within catchment of such a good school.

He is really trying to listen to her, but her argument begins and ends with the fact that his friends are going to that particular school. For DP, and I agree with him, the fact that the school is so poor in terms of results, that it has all sorts of issues reputationally, and that it will be so hard for him to attend just in practical terms, for both DP and his ex, outweighs that.

It’s crazy this is her main issue. Kids make new friends! They won’t be in classes with their primary mates.

If he’s with you now get your DH to get him up tomorrow and do the school run to the school his ex wants. You don’t have much time. I’m sure once an 11 year old has an early wake up and long journey it will put them off.

I guess if neither parent can agree, it should be the kid decision where he wants to go.

I don't think a judge would rule one school is better than another..they won't be keen to set a precedence and reinforce a negative belief about a school. Also in 5 years so much can change in a school. My guess is they will use logistics & dss "wishes & feelings" Are there any other factors for your chosen school, such as sports or subjects that can differentiate?

Is the ex's objection to your 2 children going there? I can understand that rationale, if it's the case and also possible reasons why dss isn't keen. Some children want to be separated at school from step siblings. I know quite a few blended families who won't send to the same school.

Fyi, Court is likely to cost you 10k and end the co- parenting relationship with ex so do weigh up that you may lose the ££, school decision and any chance of a good relationship going forwards. Court is the nuclear option.

If you already do a school commute that will be an argument used against you - why can't you continue that for the sake of a good relationship?

My kids won’t go to secondary school for another three years for my eldest, so I don’t see how that’s a factor. And even if they were the same age, why would it be a negative for them to be at school together? They have a great relationship and I can only imagine it would be a positive.

Can I ask where the £10k figure came from? I really would be interested to know what it might cost and how I could find that info.

I do a long school commute currently
and it’s possible but it’s incredibly difficult,
especially as I have a long commute on top of that just to get to work. Having had discussions with his ex at the start of the year we were under the impression that his son would be able attend our local school should we move to this area. Now we’ve moved, the goalposts have shifted for some reason.

Although DP is keen to have a good relationship with his ex, his kids welfare comes before that. And sending him to this particular school is a sticking point and I completely understand why.

Although DP is keen to have a good relationship with his ex, his kids welfare comes before that. And sending him to this particular school is a sticking point and I completely understand why.

The welfare of the child will also be impacted by the parents going to court, though.

(It’s a shit situation and I think the school near you sounds better)