Teachers - If you have a child in your school who misbehaves would you think the parents are to blame

[Stressey]

My dd is 14 years old (year 9). She goes to a grammar school. Her behaviour at primary school was good but she has been on-a decline since being at secondary school. Low level distribution and being surly to teachers. I’m a naturally quiet person who would never dream of being rude to anyone. I’ve always brought my children up to be polite so I’m dismayed. I feel her attitude reflects badly on us as parents. If you are a teacher what would expect us as parents to do? I want to support school but feel helpless. She is rude to us but removing phones etc is not improving the situation.

I bloody hope not

my two teens are coasting at school and give a little attitude, I get lots of calls home - I always apologise for their behaviour. Have sanctions in place at home.

my husband and I have good jobs, I did well at school not one detention god only knows how come I have kids that get loads of them!

My partner got kicked or punched at school he went home and told his mum. She said to him if you don't hit him back then I will hit you. He went to school the next day took his shoe off and beat him with it. They became best friends after funny that.

Do you ask them why they are struggling at school?

You having a good job and education means nothing if you can't sit with your children and work through problems.

As a teacher the posters referring to a crackdown on behaviour is not something I recognise. Behaviour is horrendous in schools at the moment. This is because of a lack of consequences, attitude of entitlement and an increasingly hostile feeling towards teachers. For the people moaning about their DC getting a detention for not having a pen, do you have any idea the disruption this causes? I teach 5 classes a day and am having to give out on average 8-10 pens a lesson to kids who can’t be bothered to bring their own. They have no issues forgetting their £500 phones, expensive jackets or trainers though! It’s always the same kids every lesson as well. Out of these 8-10 pens, I’m lucky if I get half of them back. Times this by the number of lessons and classes in the school and it doesn’t take a genius to work out how much this is costing schools. Schools are already struggling to manage budgets as it is, they should not be providing basic equipment. This sort of entitled attitude is being passed on from the parents to kids.

I have a son with really quite severe behavioural issues. Due to expulsion from his private school, he ended up in a very rough school where nobody seems to want to send their children.

I make a point of asking for meetings when I am contacted, to get to know the teachers. I find it makes a huge difference when they meet us, see how supportive we are of both them and our son and it very quickly diminishes the stereotype that is the ‘norm’ in that school that parents don’t care and the kids are dragged up. I don’t know how many actually meet this stereotype as he’s not been there long but I assume its reputation is at least somewhat deserved.

I’ve found that when the teachers do meet us, and see that we do care, have boundaries etc it is hugely helpful in the way they try to engage with my son and also with us. I’ve never felt judged (although I’m sure before actually speaking to us we have been, based on how he behaves).

Behaviour is communication - you need to figure out why your daughter is behaving this way. My guesses would be undiagnosed SEN or un met needs (bullying, feeling unsafe to learn, or just very gifted and therefore bored as a handful of suggestions).

I’ve been teaching for 10 years.
My least favourite responses when I ring about behaviour are
‘oh I know, they are like this at home. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it though’
and
’Well they are at school so it’s your problem not mine. Talk to their head of year about their behaviour at school’.
Ive even seen comments in this thread saying things like ‘I’m not there, what am I supposed to do’.
I’m sorry that’s not good enough.
My Mum was the nicest person going but boy I’d have been terrified to get a call like that.
You need strict lines. So you ask the teacher to call you back at the end of the week to discuss if their behaviour has improved. You take phones, games consoles whatever away until the call and if they have behaved well they get them back. If not they are grounded for the weekend and can wait until next weeks phone call to try and earn their stuff back. You could even take one item at a time.
Anyone who thinks I wouldn’t actually do this I have done…but with my 3 year old! She was incredibly rude a few weeks ago so lost her dolls house and tablet for about a week, reminding her that she could have them back if her behaviour improved. Tablet time is obviously limited anyway but she missed it. She eventually understood and her behaviour improved.
I get that teenagers are different, quite frankly I understand teens better than toddlers as I’ve had more experience.
In classrooms they always end up hating the soft teachers. Their favourites can always control a class and have a firm line. They want clear expectations and consequences.
I think the answer is, if they are in trouble at school, they are in trouble at home.
Having said all that obviously talk to them and make sure there are no underlying issues that need addressing first.

Oh quick add on tbf I have met parents who do all the right things and are super supportive, discipline at home etc. and their children are still misbehaving.
Im not saying being strict always works but you have to try. I can see those parents are trying their best. I’d say that’s less that 10% of calls I make though.

@Stressey could she have a touch of imposter syndrome?

I have a diaper at a grammar and sometimes feels she's not as clever as the others there even if her marks don't bear this out in most subjects. She's just not as good as maths which is one of those subjects lots of people in her school excel at it.

Could be a reason behind her messing around. But agree you need to talk to her and the school about it, not worry about what they think of you as parents.

Where does she sit academically at the grammar school? Sometimes it can be a shock for a child having always been top of a primary school to then find they are mediocre or struggling at a grammar. In my grammar school those kids acted out.