Teachers - If you have a child in your school who misbehaves would you think the parents are to blame

[Stressey]

My dd is 14 years old (year 9). She goes to a grammar school. Her behaviour at primary school was good but she has been on-a decline since being at secondary school. Low level distribution and being surly to teachers. I’m a naturally quiet person who would never dream of being rude to anyone. I’ve always brought my children up to be polite so I’m dismayed. I feel her attitude reflects badly on us as parents. If you are a teacher what would expect us as parents to do? I want to support school but feel helpless. She is rude to us but removing phones etc is not improving the situation.

Most of the time it's due to laissez faire parenting. The parents aren't outright teaching the kid to be rude. The parents are actually usually really nice, but maybe haven't set a tough enough tone for the consequences of what rudeness to teachers will result in.

Not always. But the majority of the time.

I'm a teacher. My own DC1 is a sprightly one and needs a firm hand, while my other DC2 is perfectly behaved in school. There is a certain margin for personality type but a LOT of the time, children with disruptive behaviour tend to rule the roost at home. Not always, but generally. Speaking as a pretty traditional, authoritative parent who has very firm boundaries at home and my DC1 still pushes his luck as and when he can, I do think parenting has a lot to do with it. Not always. Often.

Could peer group / how influenced your daughter is by peers be a factor? Or has she been bullied in the past? Perhaps she thinks if she shows certain behaviours she will be less likely to be bullied. Hormonal changes? Is there a pattern of lessons her behaviour is worse in? So many reasons it could be. I'm not a teacher but I have worked with children/ young people and wouldn't assume it was the parents fault.i think how a parent responded to being told about their child's behaviour would indicate to me whether the parents influence/ child's upbringing is a factor in their behaviour or not.

Wow

No I wouldn't but like noblegiraffe I would expect the parent to support what I was doing in the classroom and to make this clear to their child. The most damaging thing you can do is to decide to look for an excuse for your child. I have read a few already on this thread - the work is boring or not challenging or too hard. It would be great if parents trusted teachers and supported them. After all if your child behaves well, they will learn more. It is however sadly the case that most parents don't support the teacher. They go on the defensive and look to blame someone or something else.

I find how the parents react to being told about their child’s behaviour is a pretty good indicator. Those who insist their kids do no wrong and don’t punish are usually a problem. Jut because a child acts out doesn’t mean it’s the parents at all

@xxxndbm

My son is reported for asking his female friend to marry him and have kids with him, dancing, talking, whispering the word " anus" when he got angry during a project... How can I take it seriously 🤣. He is definitely a character.

I would suggest to those on here saying their child is being disruptive because they are bored, your child needs guidance on how to regulate their emotions when faced with being bored!

And for that guidance to be effective, your child needs to be bored from time to time and you need to be able to help and support your child with that emotion.

What I do see is a lot of children emotionally dysregulated because they don't know what to do with their feelings, how to handle them, identify them, feel secure within the family to talk about them, or consider how they impact others.

Kids misbehave for all sorts of reasons. Fell out with friends, didn’t have breakfast, not enough exercise, not enough sleep, hormones, dog died, work too challenging/not challenging enough. I could go on.

As a teacher I can only really work on level of challenge. In fact just did 2 hours training on it, after school this afternoon. In theory I should know all about it!

Legally, I have to be aware if a child has health needs or SEN and if there are difficult circumstances at home, parents can let us know by email so we can make allowances. We follow a clearly defined behaviour management policy and these days this is communicated to home through apps like iSAMs or ClassCharts.

I never automatically blame parents for their child’s behaviour. If things get to the point I need to call home then we hope the parent will try to work with us for the common good of their child, and thank goodness this is usually this is the case. The outcomes are certainly better for children when school and parents work together.

Yeap, I should be administering corporal punishment for my son saying to a girl in his class that he wants to marry her and have kids with her 🙈. 😃

Honestly, all is not down to the parent reaction but down to how rational is the teacher and actually what was said and done. If a kid was really rude and disruptive or if the teacher is exaggerating the problem.

We want to bring up thinking humans and not " yes madam" machines. When they suppose to make mistakes and learn if it is not when they are still kids? Education is about learning and not only from the books, but also the social skills.

I would wonder if the secondary school were pitching the learning at the correct level for my child

Most poor behaviour in secondary school is not caused by the work not being sufficiently challenging!

OP - politeness in parents does not necessarily produce well-behaved children. Parents who are polite and mild-mannered sometimes find it hard to deal with a teenager who is not like that.

No. Many teenagers are horrible but that does not reflect the parenting UNLESS the parent defends the bad behaviour at school, in which case …

@JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything

Education is about learning and not only from the books, but also the social skills.

hitherandhither sums it up. I wouldn't automatically blame parents I'd be thinking SEN but if I spoke to parents and they came back with their child is just bored I would be heavy eye rolling. In my experience extremely clever children can develop in mainstream classes, all good teachers give indication of how to take work to a high level, do independent research etc. If a child is shouting/ screaming/ throwing things etc because they are bored then there is still something very wrong that parents need to work with teachers to address. They cannot reach their potential with that behaviour and I'm sceptical a more challenging lesson would solve it. I'm amazed at the parents being proud not to back or support teachers. They are telling you that your child is not going to achieve what they could. At the end of the year, that child and their future is still yours, the teachers go back to caring about their own family and the next years intake. Thinking you've won by not supporting or taking their advice is not really as clever as you think it is. Children with parents who talk positively about teachers and school do better academically and are happier in that environment. Saying your child is bored is very short sighted. As for the pp who found their child singing, dancing etc 'a character' have you thought how disruptive to a lesson 3 or more children being characters in a lesson could be? You endearing character is not making the most of teaching time and ruining it for others.

Not sure why you quoted me

@JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything

Sorry, posted too soon

I would also suggest though that parents educate their children on acceptable social behaviour. Not everything is down to a teacher to sort out. A teacher has approx 30 children to teach whereas the average family have two!

@custardcream3

As for the pp who found their child singing, dancing etc 'a character' have you thought how disruptive to a lesson 3 or more children being characters in a lesson could be?

And where I wrote that it took place during the lesson? During the break time! Yes, that was an issue. Singing sounds promising but I don't recall him to be keen on it. That must be your addition.

Most people don’t know how to manage children’s behaviour. They’re either under- or over-reactive to poor conduct, especially when kids are young. Luckily, most kids are NT/fairly biddable and happy to go along with the rules/routines when in school. Good teachers will be able to manage the vast majority of kids in the vast majority of situations.

Unfortunately, a small handful of children aren’t having their needs met at home/school. Generally, their parents are unsupportive of the school. This small cohort of children cause 90% of the problems in schools.

I wouldn’t put your DD in the second group. What is behaviour like generally at her school? What are her friends like? Might she benefit from a change of form group, or even school?

The social skills aquisition takes place in the social circumstances. And given the fact that nowadays the reality is that many are lone parents, many are 2+1 I am not sure how you imagine that they will learn social skills and functioning in the group at home. By mums lecturing them?
Also, if that was the case then it would only prove that Covid has not done any damage, and that education is only down to what is in the books therefore can be done online in more peace.

But I believe that the school is more than what is in the books.

@JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything
I'm not really following your last post but I'll try and reply to what I think you've said.

Social skills are practised within not just the immediate family, but also the wider family and also whilst out and about (shops, transport, parks etc). Learning how to be with others, whoever they are. Learning how to deal with frustration when bored (eg waiting to take turns in a game or a piece of playground equipment). Learning to wait quietly whilst a parent shops. Those soft skills need lots of support and practice for children to be able to learn how to regulate their emotions. Yes, school will help support this in a classroom setting, but this really does begin with parents at home, whether a one parent family or not.
Etc

Lots of children misbehave, isn't that part of being a child; they misbehave and we try to teach them why they shouldn't. I judge the parents who are incapable of believing that their child might have done something wrong, as if they had given birth to Jesus

You are my absolute worst nightmare of a parent; I suspect you're a troll in fact.

Her attitude doesn't reflect badly on you.

But your response does.

Your daughter isn't you. She is a different person, in a different environment, in a different time.

You are making this about you, instead of getting to the root of the issue and working with the school to solve it.

JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything Of course you got called in over your child dancing during break. My mistake re the singing, he was actually saying anus while angry during a lesson. What 'a character' teacher should have been crying with laughter like your emoji rather than asking you to help address is behaviour and language. Yet here you are still justifying it, and not supporting adults who want to help him feel successful at school. You are making his whole school career more difficult for him.

@hitherandhither
What you describing is some sort of SEN children who are uncapable of waiting quietly or waiting in line for their turn.
I am not talking about challenged kids that by the secondary school have not learnt the basics. I am talking about social circumstances with peers that is behaviour in big groups. That can only take at school.