Teachers - If you have a child in your school who misbehaves would you think the parents are to blame

[Stressey]

My dd is 14 years old (year 9). She goes to a grammar school. Her behaviour at primary school was good but she has been on-a decline since being at secondary school. Low level distribution and being surly to teachers. I’m a naturally quiet person who would never dream of being rude to anyone. I’ve always brought my children up to be polite so I’m dismayed. I feel her attitude reflects badly on us as parents. If you are a teacher what would expect us as parents to do? I want to support school but feel helpless. She is rude to us but removing phones etc is not improving the situation.

@Restinggoddess primary schools are not good at dealing with nd people!!

Nowhere is.

Op, yes and no.
Depends on the parental engagement with the school really.

She probably doesn't have a sense of belonging at her new school

@custardcream3

I think your imagination carried you away. I got called about dancing, twerking during break with his friend. And saying anus was not angrily( that is also your imagination) but during team projects where everybody was talking in groups and something went wrong

I think you should stop looking into crystal ball because you are not good at it or you are projecting your issues on somebody random basing on few letters written. And actually he is high achiever- that is all about his school career. Do you often add your imaginary comments? And the rest what you written is just toxic nonsense. A word of advise: don't do it ever to your kids.

I work with 10-11 year old kids, some with SEN yes, but I am talking about the neurotypical ones here. Some have not been parented regarding their emotions and so are doing inappropriate stuff in order to get laughs, disrupt, undermine. Why? Because emotionally they haven't learnt about how to be in a (social) group. I usually find it's because there is an issue regarding self-esteem and how to connect well with their peers. I still stand though with having a solid foundation of learning how to manage emotions from very young age, supported by parents.

@plsbequiet
Not really. I come from a country where the misbehaviour is defined as insulting teacher, insulting kids, disrupting thee lesson and not minor playful behaviour here qnd there. Those are mentioned to parent at parents evening and no drama is made because of it.

How are her friendships at school?

I wouldn’t immediately judge the parents.

Kids can act out for all sorts of reasons.
Of course sometimes it’s because something is happening at home/parents but sometimes it’s feeling insecure about themselves or because they’re struggling to cope in class.

The worst kid I’ve ever had was a boy whose parents worked at the school, one was a teacher and one worked in the office.
I think he was definitely revelling against something and perhaps it was his parents working there but I definitely didn’t blame them.

My advice would be to just be as supportive of the school as possible.

I would never immediately assume the behaviour of any child was down to bad parenting, speaking as a teacher and parent of a ND child who was very difficult at school.

I would want to meet the parents and as soon as I did and understood the situation we could work together to help to support the/your child. We do totally get it, all we want is the best.

Some parents never come to see us, just complain or dont reapnd, don't give school a chance to co operate and yes in these circumstances we are aware that the children simply follow the behaviour they're brought up in and need to address this by setting boundaries and showing we care.

Never an easy task but I hope I'm speaking on behalf of all teachers that every single child we have in front of us is treated equally, we care about and want the best for them. They are children, yet to learn and unequivocally need the best examples and opportunities to be given to them.

Here endeth my speech! Treasure your little ones. X

Right up until my second dd hit 12.
Then I ate all the thoughts and assumptions I had made.

@hitherandhither undermining a teacher in a sense of evil way and I am not talking about civilised contr argument in a class debate is insulting and it is misbehaviour. But kids distrupt for various reasons. Not only emotions are the main cause. Some as you say have low self esteem. And some as you know are neuro diverse. There are a lot of kids with undiagnosed problems. ADHD is an example of those. In the old days teachers were considering them disruptive. Nowadays we know more. The same for ASD and many other types. I sometimes think what the future psychology will discover. What other behaviours considered today as disruptive will have a psychological or medical explanation.

JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything Thanks for your concern, I'm not imagining your child has behaved inappropriately, teachers have spoken to you about it and you find it funny. If it was my imagination there wouldn't be other posters quoting and questioning you, one even suggesting your attitude is so off that you are a troll.

Indeed, when I say to some children 'when your parents say no' and they respond with with their parents never say no. It's all too easy to give in, avoid a battle, then when we stipulate boundaries they just go off it! My reply to OP reflects this, some parents just don't parent and blame teachers for having to have rules in order to control the behaviour of a classroom of 34 pupils. X

@custardcream3 No, to teacherS. A teacher. Again, you are adding to the story. Btw teacher is not a God. Not all are experienced and wise. I have been long time in education and have seen a lot. You are offending me by naming me troll. Are you so aggresive with your kids too? Are you assulting them verbally like you do me when they do something wrong at school?

JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything now your making things up or imagining. "You defend your child like a lioness. Always. "Just the one year to one teacher? No, because you carry on with the plural " whatever teacherS report to me" My children are irrelevant to your poor parenting but as you're desperate to know, all are happy successful, well past school age and brought up
In love and respect for others. I didn't aggressively call you a troll , again your imagination, I pointed out other posters had suggested this. I'm inclined to agree from your keenness to argue. You are here for sport or you will never listen to advice that to not support teachers is detrimental to your child's school career. Of course they are not Gods , but they spend a lot of time with your child and if you worked with them that her than against, your child would benefit.

@custardcream3 I wrote "whatever teachers tell me" in a rethorical sense but you sherlock take it as an evidence.🙈

I will not comment about the rest of nonsense because it is simply laughing stock. And my dear what is wrong with you that you 🔮 after few words? Park that judgement just because somebody has a different approach to kids and doesn't believe in 🔨 them about minor things. When they should learn about life? Now. Some never learnt and are growing up into the keyboard warrior like you preaching about behaviour and you cannot speak kindly

I am just a passer by that says that the only person who can defend your kids is you. And who should defend them if it is not you? I observe that in this country the kids grow up and hardly keep in touch with their parents. In the best scenario for Christmas and a phone call once a month. I want to be a friend with my adult son as my mother was and is my friend.And that has never been achieved by not understanding a child. It is achieved by staying on the kid's side no matter what. You should never love the teacher more than your child and you in your head should make a rational judgement if dances by shaking bottom during the break are such a serious thing that it is worth bashing your kid. From my side it is just a phrase : " Come on, 🤨 you should've known better than that". And even if they have done something more serious it is still matter of a friendly conversation rather than dissolving a bond with your child by making drama. They will then keep secrets, they will not trust you( this is rethorical you) they will treat you as a oppresive house that they want to leave as soon as they can. No copy

Okay, you're not making sense any more. All my posts have been polite and respectful. I agree about supporting your child but not to having closed ears if others are expressing concern. You love your child, I hope it works out for both of you.

This all sounds lovely and quite obvious and also quite impossible when dealing with a monosyllabic child while trying to do your absolute best.

I hope you’re OK, OP, it’s really hard when you’re doing your best, but don’t know what to do.

Maybe I’m misreading, but it seems odd to me,
OP, that your concern is what will the school think up you as a parent, rather than why is your child unhappy and acting out. I would focus on the latter.

This is how I read it.

You've drawn the short straw, OP, you haven't got the polite, impeccably mannered child who everyone says is a credit to you. Unfair, I know, when you were this child, you never caused your parents any hassle and they could enjoy the reflected approval that came from being told how great you/they as parents were.

But your child is a work in progress, not the finished article. She might just be one of those children who finds being a teenager quite tough. She needs you to be there for her, not ashamed of her. You need to appreciate her good points, help her through this period (and that might involve getting quite tough!) and hopefully at the end you'll find you have someone you like living with you. The only problem is that by then she'll want to leave and live independently herself.

I mean that's great if the school gets in touch as soon as problems arise but not all schools do. I emailed my DS form tutor when he was in year 9 to query some incident in English lesson (also his English reacher) - emailed in June. Form tutor then proceeded to rant about how awful my DS behaviour had been all year in form and how he (the teacher) was leaving to start new job & good luck to my DS in year 10 with new form tutor etc. This was the first I had heard about any issues in form. I knew they clashed in English & my DS had a few red cards/after sch detentions etc fir his attitude. Little point telling me about behavioural issues in late June when they break up a month later really! Also that teacher honestly hated my DS and really picked on him & he rarely had any issues in other lessons. Some older secondary school teachers seem very stressed & unhappy in their jobs and should probably be looking at different careers imo. My DD sailed through that school for 7 years (she's now 19) with zero detentions or red cards (shy, quiet, anxious, clever). So it's definitely not always down to bad parenting etc. My DS is confident, loud, funny, happy & a bit annoying at times and finds it hard to sit still & concentrate in certain lessons.

Then you are what is wrong with our society

The school had told you , in the form of detentions and red cards. you knew about the clashes. didn’t the red cards and detentions alert you to a behavioural problem.
you could have been more proactive

You have to parent according to your child’s personality. I have one child who does as I ask and one child that will defy me to his last breath. I have to set boundaries and give consequences and sometimes it makes life incredibly hard at home. But at school both children are a delight (i am assured), so I know something I am doing must be working.

yeah they told us about problems in just his English lessons like I already said. not in his form group. Plus we dealt with those other issues. I can't deal with issues if I know nothing about them. Plus you don't know full background of how and why he got those detentions- like I said, that particular teacher was picking on my DS and a few other boys in that class. My main point is that its possible to have 2 DC with vastly differing personalities- some will slot right into school and some will have clashes & difficulties and it won't always be because the parents aren't doing their job properly.

Plus different schools have different behavioural policies & when one teacher takes a dislike to your DC it can be hard to shake off years later even. My DS once almost got a red card for sneezing too loudly during a lesson where the teacher was clearly having a very bad day. He also got sent out last week by a sub teacher who thought he'd thrown a pen across the room (his friend threw it & my DS did nothing wrong on that occasion) & he did that 30 min after sch detention without complaining and just sucked it up. In case you were thinking we are that sort of family who run to school complaining about every tiny thing! My DS learns a lot of important life skills at his school - life isn't always fair for example. & sometimes if you get labelled as a bit disruptive in say year 9 it will cling to him even in year 11 & he will get sanctions more easily than a kid who has never been in any trouble.