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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Y7 first days not going well

85 replies

celebrityskin · 06/09/2023 19:14

Hello,
Is anyone else having a less than ideal start to secondary?
DD has started in a class not knowing anyone, feeling a minority and not seeing potential new friends in her classmates. First day cried, cried this morning not wanting to go, then I was called to collect her early because she had belly ache. Promptly burst into tears when I collected her.

This is so hard- I know it's only day 2. She sees classes where there are 4 people from her primary and they are making new friends and are all jolly and it's not helping her.

Is anyone else going through similar? Or been through similar with older siblings?
It's heartbreaking. How long does it take for them to settle? At the headteachers talk they explicitly said they won't move classes to put people with their friends.

She's home to her lovely familiar dance class tonight which should lift her spirits.

How do I get her (&me?!) through this???

OP posts:
Gazelda · 06/09/2023 19:20

Huge sympathies OP. It's very difficult for both of you. I can only advise persistence, it does get better.

My DD went to a secondary alone, no other kids from her primary. She's an introvert and struggled. But she was flying by half term. That sounds a long way off, but it gets easier day by day. Pair work in classes, team games in PE, etc will all help her find people she can get on with.

Does she take packed lunch? Where does she eat? Can she sidle up to some people she recognises from her classes at lunchtime and ask if they mind her sitting with them?

BeMoreBarbie · 06/09/2023 20:15

No advice but my DD also started year 7 and it's such an horrific time! I just thought it may help to know that there are a lot of kids and parents going through this currently.

I'm not sure how my DD is getting on as she is so closed off and hates me by all accounts.

I hope the dance class helps. Does she keep in contact with people/friends from primary? Is she arranging to walk with them or meet?

Foxesandsquirrels · 06/09/2023 20:17

Sending you a huge hug. This was DD at the beginning, she's going into Y11 now. She knew no one. Hated the first 2 weeks. Settled after and made lots of amazing friends. It gets better.

SamPoodle123 · 06/09/2023 20:58

Can she join clubs/sports in the school? This helps to meet new people and make new friends. It also takes time to find people you connect with.

Itslosenotloose · 06/09/2023 21:02

My DD has just started and she went up alone. She’s fine and has new friends. Having said that I’ve worked in pastoral teams in secondary for years and what your DD is experiencing is not at all unusual. I’m sorry for you both but my prediction is by week two she will be okay. ❤️

MidnightOnceMore · 06/09/2023 21:06

All you can do is reassure her. I totally understand how hard it is but I found with my DC who had a similar experience that in future years it was a useful example of how they got through something.

It is so tough to see our kids having a hard time but they do have to experience some ups and downs.

I bet she is not the only one.

I really hope it resolves soon.

VenusFairy · 06/09/2023 21:07

Yes in the same boat... although DD is 3 in a crowd and that is what she is struggling with. Has asked to moved school, hates it there and very quiet and moody. Am trying to remain positive but its definitely hard!

No advice but sharing this to let you know you're not alone. It'll get better for them ... soon hopefully.

AnnieLewis · 06/09/2023 21:14

My DS didn't even make it in today (first day). He cried himself to sleep last night, cried this morning, refused to get dressed, refused to move off my bed/the floor, ended up having to call new school and explain which led to me crying down the phone at the deputy head. He's also going into a school with no existing friends but does vaguely know two other kids there

clary · 06/09/2023 21:16

Agree with others, it will get better OP.

Just a thought - could you flag it as a possible issue to her form tutor? If the school won't move people (fair enough - would lead to many requests) they should be prepared to support. When I was a tutor I would have found a moment to have a discreet chat to the student (just when checking equipment in form time) and maybe see if I could suggest some clubs to join or somewhere to go at lunch. Or the tutor could liaise with colleagues who teach your DD to see if they can sit her next to someone who might make a good friend for her.

Also it's an idea if she struggles in this are (not saying se does! but my DC do) to have something to talk about - can you prime her with suggestions eg the latest show or music - or ways to start a conversation - What's your favoruite game/music/clothes shop? People love to talk about themselves.

cottonwoolbrain · 06/09/2023 21:22

DS had his first day today. He went in knowing nobody in the whole school which is intimidating with 200 per year group (wasn't a school we expected him to get allocated at all). He came out and refused to talk about his day beyond saying he had a maths test and it was really difficult and he got lost at lunchtime Sad

I made him his favourite dinner and gave him a hug. I've reassured him that he will find friends but it may take some time. There are a couple of particular things he likes doing and I see that the school has clubs for one of them so I will encourage him to join that and hope he at least meets people with similar interests.

Just hoping for him that it gets easier.

BabyIcecream · 06/09/2023 21:24

Sympathy here we are going through this too

DS is a sensitive soul. He's gone to a school without any friends from primary. It's big, and today (first day) he really didn't enjoy it. He got lost, lunch was so busy, then team building games this afternoon and he totally overheated as in full sun all afternoon.

He is so tired and was crying tonight.

All we can do is support them and know it will get better. But it feels so hard and I'm now sitting here sobbing. Thanks for the thread it's nice to know we aren't the only ones

Singleandproud · 06/09/2023 21:26

Just because a school says they don't move children to be with their friends it doesn't mean that they won't if a child is having a horrendous time, they just don't want every parent calling in.

Get in touch with her pastoral lead, explain what the problem is and how it is impacting her and the pinch points in her day. It'll get her on the pastoral teams radar and they can start building a relationship with her and check in periodically so she knows who to go to. There will be something in place sometimes you just have to ask, there might be mentors, a quieter room like the library for students to go to.

Year 7s have it rough until October half term (don't book anything shell probably be run down and/or sleep most of it). When they come back after the half term they are confident they know their way around and have gotten to know their teachers and classes. I always recommended that my year 7s get involved in as many lunchtime and after school clubs so that they can start meeting friends. Often when children move up with lots of friends from Primary these groups have splintered and groups form with new friends by Easter anyway.

cottonwoolbrain · 06/09/2023 21:26

@AnnieLewis That must have been very hard for you to handle. I hope you can ease him in tomorrow and that the school will know to treat him gently. It's frightening for them - in some ways they seem quite grown up but really at 11 they're still so young

Singleandproud · 06/09/2023 21:28

Lunch can be a massive pinch point, the canteen is often very busy and loud, with the good weather they should be able to avoid it by having packed lunch outside

Oblomov23 · 06/09/2023 21:34

Have you emailed Tutor? Didn't tutor get everyone to say hello to the person sitting next to them? Don't they have a buddy system or a mentor system from the year above?
Join clubs. Talk to people at lunchtime.

AnnieLewis · 06/09/2023 21:34

Thanks @cottonwoolbrain it's just so heartbreaking at times isn't it. We had this when he started at primary all those many moons ago - unfortunately he's as tall as me now and not as easy to persuade!
I've done a lot of crying today too and am just hoping it will get better.

Sending huge hugs to all the rest of you and agree with PP, thanks for starting this thread, helps to know not everyone is merrily skipping around having first day photos taken and waltzing into school..

Original poster
celebrityskin · 06/09/2023 21:34

Thank you so much for your replIes. Made me cry reading them!
Sending hugs to others out there having a difficult time too.
I appreciate your advice.
She's going to take packed lunch. I've flagged to parents of some other girls we know that are in other classes- I know she'd be mortified but at least they can try and find her at lunch time. Good idea about after school clubs- maybe easier to find your tribe there? School should be sharing details next week so will encourage her to get involved.
It's so hard- she was so excited about going! We had tears before bed again. Had no idea it would be this hard!! xxx

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 06/09/2023 21:49

The first few days are very overwhelming but most get used to it in a week or so.

It is worth noting that the transition to secondary school is often when many children who have ASD but don't know it yet and managed fine in Primary start to struggle.... I am not saying anyone's child is autistic but it is something to keep an eye on especially if they have always been quite quirky and their new school nerves don't settle in a few weeks.

For the next week or so really reduce the demands you put on them, snack and a drink ready when they get home, leave them in peace to let them settle and then talk to them after. Old favourite meals and shows etc as they already have lots of novel things happening throughout the school day. Help them get in a routine of getting uniform and bag ready the night before to reduce rushing etc.

hby9628 · 06/09/2023 21:58

Ah I'm so sorry to read these posts. My DD has just gone into year 8 but I remember this time last year vividly. Nobody prepares you.
Have you contacted the schools pastoral support? If not then get in touch with them. Ours have been brilliant with my DD. Honestly, year 7 was tougher than I thought. I think it was partly hormones too. I'm hoping for a smoother year 8
Sending hugs to your kids. Hope it gets better soon.

Ivecomeoutoflurking · 06/09/2023 22:02

I'm sitting here crying. I have found my people. My 3rd child started secondary today, suffers anxiety and has always hated school anyway. I just want to scoop him up and stay at home cuddling with him all day but that wouldn't benefit him at all. I'm hoping he'll settle in a couple of weeks but considering he didn't in primary I'm not holding much hope for secondary.

Prescottdanni123 · 06/09/2023 22:22

Is there any lunch time clubs she can join? They are normally a good way to make friends.

CheesyWhatsit · 06/09/2023 22:32

My DS struggled joining y7 last year. Knew no-one. Cried most mornings for weeks and struggled up to half term. But then it all clicked and he is now flourishing. It does get better… they just have to stick with it.

grafittiartist · 06/09/2023 22:37

Please let someone at the school know.
They will be able to keep an eye out, or try to assist in settling in. Might be able to find a buddy.

AuditAngel · 06/09/2023 22:45

I’m another one here whose DC3 started year 7 a year ago. My older two were the only child from their primary at the school, DC3 was too, but had a friend from her out of school hobby, who had attended the one form intake on-site primary, so got immediate access to her friendship group.

Year 7 is brutal, they have gone from being the most important long term pupils, to not knowing where they are going, getting lost is the norm.

it does get better.

Blossomandbee · 06/09/2023 22:48

I've got exactly the same situation with my DD. She doesn't know anyone in any of her classes and has been alone at break times. She's not a confident child, I'm just hoping she finds her tribe soon, or even just one likeminded friend. It's so hard for them and hard to watch it as a parent.