Y7 first days not going well

[celebrityskin]

Hello,
Is anyone else having a less than ideal start to secondary?
DD has started in a class not knowing anyone, feeling a minority and not seeing potential new friends in her classmates. First day cried, cried this morning not wanting to go, then I was called to collect her early because she had belly ache. Promptly burst into tears when I collected her.

This is so hard- I know it's only day 2. She sees classes where there are 4 people from her primary and they are making new friends and are all jolly and it's not helping her.

Is anyone else going through similar? Or been through similar with older siblings?
It's heartbreaking. How long does it take for them to settle? At the headteachers talk they explicitly said they won't move classes to put people with their friends.

She's home to her lovely familiar dance class tonight which should lift her spirits.

How do I get her (&me?!) through this???

I disagree with Spinet, I would've emailed tutor. Both my ds's were fine, knew loads of people from primary and their football team, but Many children, ASD or just shy, or many other reasons, struggle. Why? Unnecessarily. School could easily match a pair up, mention it casually in assembly. Why wait, unnecessarily?

My advice would be to keep a close eye on things, support and take as much pressure off as you can to help them settle. Just to flag - we had a really rough time at the start of year 7 (move from tiny primary to huge secondary where he knew nobody)but we kept making him go in every day all year. This was rough and it never really improved - we had a therapist, and supports put in to help, but the level of anxiety and stress never went down. We eventually found out this summer that he is autistic and, on advice from specialists, we have pulled him out of that big school and are starting a hybrid (2 days a week in person and three days online) school for year 8. Basically the school was just too huge and overwhelming, particularly because of the sensory challenges he has, and no amount of support was going to change that. The sad thing is, that year of pushing him in every day has ended up causing him a lot of trauma, and his mental health is a wreck. His anxiety about everything is through the roof and his self-esteem is seriously damaged. We are having to work very slowly and carefully to try and build him back up and undo the damage last year did. If we had known he was autistic we would never have sent him to that school, but he masked like a champion and we had no idea.
I am sure your kids will all be fine, but my advice would be if it gets to January and things are still really rough, think carefully about whether a change might be best.

My dd went to a different school to friends, it takes time, reassure her but don't worry too much

My feeling is you know your kid best OP. If there are actual friends in another class that would probably help her if it's possible. My DD has asd and was in a class with 2 girls she knew but wasn't friends with and it took her a long time to settle, but settle she did. Seeing everyone else jolly along so quickly was really difficult for her but the truth is she makes good friends at a slower pace than other people but she does do it in the end. Accepting this about herself has been a good lesson even though it was really nailbiting for me at times.

I agree though that if there is a quick and easy fix that you're sure will improve things then absolutely ask about it.

Try to reassure her that she can handle it, that it is scary but that she will get to know people and will make new friends. So many of the most important and worthwhile things we do in life are horrible and difficult at first.

If she has close friends from her old school, can she meet up with them at lunchtimes and breaks sometimes?

I've not read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating some of them.

I'm 2 years further on with my son- he's just started yr9.

The start was horrific. He went in only knowing a small handful of people. He got picked on, called names. Many mornings he cried and refused to go. Or we'd get there and he wouldn't get out of the car- just sit sobbing. Cried himself to sleep etc. He came from a tiny village primary where he was in a class of 3- and only one girl went with him.
He was traumatised listening to the swearing in the playground, seeing scraps - all sorts.

I would definitely recommend getting in touch with the form tutor. Also possibly the head of year or house, and find out if there's a pastoral lead. They will be the initial people who can help to resolve some of this.

Out of school clubs helped my son through the first rocky months- he swims and it was a place several times a week where there were friendly faces and people he knew to talk to.

Other than that, it is a case of riding it out a day at a time. I used to tell my son just to smile and say hi to people he was sat next to. Or to approach other people who were alone and ask to eat with them at lunch.
He also took some art stuff in and he would sit at lunch and draw- he actually met a new friend this way.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. He is now part of a small group of nice kids who he gets on well with. They are quieter members of the school community but they stick together now and they are always on the phone to each other in the evenings.

I never believed we would get to this point as the beginning was so awful- but it's becoming a distant memory.

It will get better. It's a massive change for them but I promise she will settle.

Sending love- I know how horrible it is for you.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs to all. Year 7 is such a hard transition. My son took until part way through year nine to really settle in and still doesn't like school (he's now in year 11 and can't wait to leave). DD is way more socially aware than he is but also found the whole thing exhausting. I don't really have any good advice aside from making sure that school isn't their whole life. Keep up with the clubs they like, get together with old primary friends, or cousins if they have them, any outside activity that they find relaxing.

I don’t understand why they don’t just put school friends in the same class. My DD started year 7 yesterday and has 4 of her friends in the same class and they’ve all made friends with other girls in the class and they all now hang in one big group. Most of them get the same bus as well which my DD says is the best part of the day.she’s always been a social butterfly which probably helps as well.

Ask the school to move her into the class with the girls she knows. Also I’ve been through this with my now 18 year old they all find their tribe in the end.

Big hugs I’m still a nervous wreck today.

Similar story here, with a DD who took until Y6 to feel comfortable at her one-form/year primary school and now struggling at big secondary. It's really comforting, though very sad, to read of other children struggling. Sometimes it feels like I've got the most shy, anxious, socially incapable child in the world and can feel a very lonely place when all you hear of are children who are doing ok.

Thank you for starting this thread, and for some of the useful advice above. I'm going to encourage her that she can do this and take stock next week. She is apparently on the senco 'watchlist' (no official sen, just flagged by her lovely Y6 teacher as needing extra support), but I'm not sure that will actually translate to anything unless I push for it, with schools being so under resourced these days.

I feel like it's one of those many things people lie about. Like how much their baby sleeps. I'm prepared to believe that some kids are "absolutely loving" secondary school by half term but the number of times I have heard that cannot possibly be accurate! I started to lie about it too, feeling defensive on my DD's behalf. I never quite claimed she loved it though. I mean, it's school isn't it.

Sounds similar to my son - he had to be taken out of class as he kept crying and he spends his breaks crying because watching the boys playing football reminds him of “happier times” playing football with his friends at primary. But he feels too intimated to join in the football as they are bigger than him and swear a lot.
He didn’t msg me this break so hoping he has found someone to spend time with. 🤞
I hope your son starts to get to know some others - my son hasn’t managed to find anything to do at break yet.

My DD has just started year 8... we had similar in Year 7.. with no friends in her tutor group where other groups had loads of friends together... (dont get me started on that!!!)
It did get easier tho.. she made 2 new friends (it didnt come easy) and she was with primary friends for Maths and PE

Hang in there... it does get easier

I hope the new year 7s had a better day today.

A relatively cheap and easy way to connect with others is to take a pack of cards / Uno in, most children love Uno, it takes the pressure off the socialising as they are doing something, if they lose or someone takes the cards they aren't massively expensive but the down side is they have to have the confidence to invite someone to play with them.

ds came home yesterday saying that someone was being friendly towards him so that was an improvement.

He says he's been reading at break and is hoping to go to library today at lunch time as there are chess sets there and he hopes someone will play with him. Am crossing my fingers someone will even of its one of the older.pupils.

No tears from DS this morning so that is an improvement. Fingers crossed it stays on an upward track.

@celebrityskin try not to worry too much.
it’s very early days.
My DD started secondary a year ago knowing no one in her class (3 friends from her primary also in same school, but none in same class), and I worried for a long time about her making friends.

Things take time to settle down, as there’s so much going on, and it may take a while for her to find her ‘tribe’ (the friends she made in the first 1-2 weeks aren’t her closest friends now).
1 year later, and she’s thriving.
I’m sure your DD will be the same, but it’s hard not to worry!

Just had a call from the school pastoral care team asking how DS was getting on. They are keeping an eye on him and all those who came up alone from their primary school which is reassuring. They were concerned when I said he had told us he felt frightened and overwhelmed but said it was not unusual in the circumstances.

They asked about his hobbies and said chess club started next week so they'd try to encourage him to go to that . Also he's doing drum lessons and those are done as group sessions so hopefully he will meet some people that way too.

Feel encouraged by how supportive the school are being even if DS is finding it all very hard and confusing at the moment.

He also got 2 recognition points... for a subject he's not even had a lesson for yet so he's mildly confused by that!! 😂

My DD has just started Y7 too and although her whole primary class is at the school it's a huge school with 12 forms and no-one from her primary class is in her form. She has found that really hard and hasn't made friends yet but we've found walking to school with her primary friends has really helped her, as well as getting her a phone so she can chat to them after school. They are also meeting up at lunchtimes. I'm sure your DD's tutor would want to know too.

@PaperNests 2 Forms?!!! That's insane.

That's meant to say 12!

Head of music in primary school gave the best suggestion, since DC didn’t know a single person in a large secondary school, which was join music clubs. Music clubs take a large group of children for choir or any instruments and they are a mix ability and mixed year groups events. DC found friends in other forms and other years.

@Foxesandsquirrels I know I was quite scared at first as there's over 2000 students altogether and she's coming from a 1 form little primary. But everything's been extremely well organised and ran very smoothly this week so perhaps having so many kids means they have to plan well. I'm also hoping it improves her chances of making good friends as she's quite quirky and only made a couple of close friends in primary.

Thank you so much for all your kind words and wise advice.
Am delighted it's Friday and we've got through the week!
DD still DOOM about things, even though the school have agreed to move her to a class with her primary friends on Monday. Another call to collect her early today because she's complaining of tummy pain. Still crying.
She's barely slept or eaten this week. She must be shattered.
We got her out to her usual dance class tonight which we hope will be fun/a shift out of this pit of negativity. Hoping for a good nights sleep and a more positive day tomorrow.
Imagine all our new yr7s are exhausted after this week! Well done them all for getting through this. Hoping everyone has a restful calm weekend.. and Godspeed for next week! This Too Shall Pass as a wise mother of older teens has assured me.... xxxxxxx

Sympathy to everyone having a difficult time. I've no idea how to handle the daily worries my son is having about secondary school. He has some adhd and autistic traits, a strong sense of right and wrong and finds rule breaking unsettling. Hes very sensitive! This week he has been shoved and pushed around in the corridors on two different occasions, by year 10\11s - the first time he was with friends so not as scary. The second time he was on his own (lost looking for his class room ) it triggered a panic attack. I know if a fear of the older children take hold he will quickly struggle. Should I speak to the school? Realistically what can they do? He is also around lots of swearing and shoving etc. on the football field at playtime (and he is just so stressed all of the time.

@Meltdownoclock definitely talk to the school, keep an eye on those ND traits as the start of secondary can be when they start to spiral.

Contact the Sendco, and explain, he won't be on their radar yet but adjustments should be needs based, it's not unusual for ASD students to have a 2 minute early pass to navigate the corridors in peace (& a toilet pass as many students don't use the toilet with the big kids in them).

My school used to have year 7 lessons finish 5 mins early for the first half term so that could navigate around. In peace too.