Y7 first days not going well

[celebrityskin]

Hello,
Is anyone else having a less than ideal start to secondary?
DD has started in a class not knowing anyone, feeling a minority and not seeing potential new friends in her classmates. First day cried, cried this morning not wanting to go, then I was called to collect her early because she had belly ache. Promptly burst into tears when I collected her.

This is so hard- I know it's only day 2. She sees classes where there are 4 people from her primary and they are making new friends and are all jolly and it's not helping her.

Is anyone else going through similar? Or been through similar with older siblings?
It's heartbreaking. How long does it take for them to settle? At the headteachers talk they explicitly said they won't move classes to put people with their friends.

She's home to her lovely familiar dance class tonight which should lift her spirits.

How do I get her (&me?!) through this???

Echoing the people saying to talk to the school. I raised the same issue with form tutor last year and they set up a little social group for a few kids in the same boat. I'd get in there fast rather than hoping it will turn around.

Clubs can also help, for my DC the Y7 specific clubs were the best, ones that mixed years were too intimidating. Also if there's a decent school library than see if a position as a library assistant is available. School libraries are a safe haven for the quirky. Get a job as a student librarian and you'll always have somewhere to go at lunchtime.

I would flag it next week if not improved.
When mu youngest started, she was fine once her friends all agreed where to meet at break, eg first bench, by the tree. She found thar meeting with her primary friends, and the people they had collected made a good size group, which kinda attracted others. By half term she knew someone friendly in each class.

Sad that your children are feeling this way, but glad my DS isn’t the only one. He is autistic, so his maturity is about 2yrs behind his peers and he struggles with change and crowds of people. He’s gone to a 240 year secondary knowing no one. All his friends have gone to our local secondary and he missed out on distance - the school he has got is actually twice as far, but less popular so we got allocated a place.
He has been in tears both today and yesterday (first day) tells me he doesn’t feel old enough to be at secondary, finds having to change classrooms stressful and has no one to play with/talk to at break.
I’ve already e-mailed his form tutor several times, she is looking out for him but I don’t understand why they’ve not hooked him up with another boy in a similar position - he’s apparently not the only one who has no one else from his primary there.
He loves football but he’s too intimidated to play as the boys swear and are quite rough. He sits watching them crying as it reminds him of playing football with his friends at primary and just wants to go back. It breaks my heart and all I can do is try to persuade him he’ll make some friends and to go to the pastoral centre to speak to someone.
On a positive note, his twin sister is happy in her school (all girls so DS couldn’t go) and has loads of her friends from primary with her and being neurotypical has no issues making new friends. Her older sister struggled initially when she started - all her friends were put in classes together and the same house, and she was the only one by herself. The school were really responsive when I raised her upset with them, and she is positively thriving now in year 10. She says she’s glad she wasn’t put with her friends or she wouldn’t have made new friends.
I really hope all of your children who are struggling find their tribe and have a wonderful secondary experience. I’m desperately hoping my DS will, though we are on the waiting list for the closer secondary where all his friends have gone. Last count we were about 28th 🙄

Yup! Dd started secondary this week, she's autistic and finds school overwhelming at the best of times. She only knows one girl in her form class and she isn't in classes with anyone she knows. She was given a timetable and moreorless left to get on with it. I'm amazed there isn't more support in the first week.

This was ds when he started high school. Day 2 I even phoned another school to see if they had any places available he was so upset! Lol he’s currently partying abroad with 9 mates from school, and is starting university with his best mate in 2 weeks.

honestly it does get better!!

My DC struggled massively starting secondary...to the point where I was seriously considering changing schools. It took a while and has been a hard ride but gradually improved. They went in this week happily with no fuss and have actually been in a great mood as the holidays have felt quite long. I completely feel your pain....it was just the most difficult experience. Keep talking and reassuring. Make home a positive safe space so that it provides some rest. I personally would consider contacting the Head of year to see if there could be a move to be in a form with friends. Even if they can't make a change, it will mean they keep an extra eye out for her.

My advice is not to panic. The first few weeks, possibly longer are really hard for some. It's unfamiliar and daunting - even if you go with friends from school that's no guarantee as friendships change quickly at high school.
But it does get easier.
Have strategies for dealing with lunches and breaks when they might feel lonely. Clubs, libraries, etc.
Friendships take time to grow. Even those kids who have collected a bunch already will probably chop and change over the next few weeks.

Checking in - my DS is struggling. Nothing specific, just v sad he doesn’t know anyone in his class when lots of the others know each other, and people he does know are together in other classes. Tears before and after school and he says he can’t concentrate in school because he feels like crying there.
When I talk about how to talk to people he just says he is too shy. But he has been finding things to do at lunch so I am keeping my fingers crossed it will get better.

I managed my children’s expectations going into high school.

Firstly some expect to be in the ‘popular’ groups - when they should be looking for solid friendships. Ask your child to see who’s in their own, who needs a friend.

If they haven’t found their group then others haven’t either.

Yes it’s going to be hard and old friends lost.

DD made a friend on her first day and still friends 8 years later.

What do you mean by she didn’t see any potential friends in her class mates? It’s part of growing up and a key life skill to make friends with different types of people and rub along. They don’t need to be friends for life. Just people to hang out with at school.

I always said to my dc look for the child that looks more scared to you, sit next to them and introduce yourself - have a few conversational pointers and questions and take it from there.

*more scared THAN you!

I’m interested in what transition looks like in some of these schools. My DD has started at a girls school and they had one full day last term with their new class and a 2 day summer school ( which we couldn’t attend due to holidays). Then they had a half day on Monday before the rest of the school started. We’ve also got a weekend at PGL lined up in October. It feels like they’re very conscious of these issues. We’re lucky that the majority of girls from her pretty large primary school have gone to the same school so she knows plenty of people. I can remember tough friendship issues in previous years though which thankfully has always resolved after a week or two.

Transition massively varies.
DD had a day in her new school. Went well but that didn't translate to going well in the first few weeks. The school arranged an activity day with team building etc but it was poorly run and she came home very upset. Lunch clubs were really patchy and the only one she liked folded after a few weeks when the teacher stopped running it.
That was 5 years ago and I suspect that it has improved. But it wasn't great for DD.
One of my local schools runs a week long summer school which is brilliant for orientation and making friends.
She's just starting at 6th form this week so we'll see how that goes!

Did they not do any sessions before to help break the ice and help them get to know each other? Most schools do this and also connect "singles" with each other so they can make friends in the first few days. I would be talking to the school quickly. If she knows someone in a diff class then ask to have her moved. If she doesn't know a soul, then the school need to help with making connections in class or through after school clubs/sports etc.

How did they all go in this morning? DS didn't sleep well and was super super nervous, but also talking in a sensible way that things will feel better.

Just wish it wasn't so hot as that is making everything worse especially when they had PE yesterday

Fingers crossed for all the other kids struggling

It's such a tough transition. My eldest DD is in Year 8 now and went up with almost all her primary classmates. At first she stuck with them like a limpet but soon made some new friends that are actually a far better fit for her, she still speaks to the old primary crew but they generally annoy her! It really does all change in that first half term, although it feels like a lifetime away at the moment.

DS's transition consisted of a half day induction - which was mainly PE which he unfortunately detests, some links to a video about the school and an online count down to first day by days, hours, minutes and seconds... I didn't show him that I figured he was anxious enough already without that sort of extra pressure!!

There will be a PGL trip in October. They emailed us about it yesterday morning on their first day asking for £180 by Wednesday next week.

On the other hand I did have a nice email from his head of year saying he knows that DS and a few others are the only ones coming from their particular primary schools and he will be keeping an eye on them and to let him know of any particular difficulties especially if we're still concerned by the end of next week. I'm glad they're at least thinking about it.

DS said he felt ill this morning - tummy ache. However, he walked in to school with minimal fuss but I feel so sad for him.

My grandson started yesterday. He was 'quirky' through primary, and ASD was discussed, but apparently he wasn't severe enough to refer for assessment. He spent the summer holidays agonising over going to secondary school, his OCD grew hugely, and he struggled to the extent that my son emailed the SENDCO.
She rang yesterday saying it takes 3 years for a diagnosis, but they don't need one to get extra help in school. She sent a 'pupil passport' to the other teachers so that they are all aware of him, and will report back to my son in a month. He also has a pass to go somewhere quiet at lunchtime.
I was impressed, to be fair. So my advice would be to flag your children to head of year, pastoral team or SENDCO, so at least they're aware they're struggling.
The school also only had year 7 in for 2 days to give them a bit of a chance to settle. Like some of yours, he didn't report back much, and had a bad headache by the end of the day.
I watched my son struggle and be bullied to the extent I moved him schools, but it only got mildly better. It's very hard to watch my grandson struggle too.
Good luck to all your children; maybe we can report back at half term and see how they're all doing. Oh, and a maths test on the first day is just cruel. They're must be other ways of putting them into sets

@AnnieLewis You were in my thoughts this morning. Did he go in? I really hope it was a better morning - if he didn't, it may be worth phoning the school and asking if you can bring him in the afternoon so he can just spend an hour or two there to start him off.

Morning, thanks so much, that made me tear up - doesn't take much today. He has gone in. The meet up yesterday with the deputy seemed to help. DH dropped him as he's less emotional than me and I think it was a good job as apparently he looked very nervous and then wouldn't look at him when they lined up. I'm doing pick up.

How did everyone else get on today?Anyone else make it in and hopefully a little less nervously?
xx

Just posting to say that I totally get you OP and other posters in the same situation.

It's my DD's first full day today. She's autistic and has been really anxious about the transition.

My stomach is in knots for her.

My dc was so excited for school. He was ready for secondary a year ago. He's come home brimming with excitement and has loved his teachers and the canteen etc. And even he had a huge breakdown last night. In absolute bits. It's just completely overwhelming for them. Plus it gets bigged up so much- at the end of the day it's just school. I'm confident there are no actual problems, it's just too much change.

lovepets makes a really good point.
High schools are generally really good at helping kids who need some extra support but aren't diagnosed with ASD etc. Do flag up concerns with the head of year or pastoral care.
Make sure your kids know where to go for things like list property and spare sanpro too. Better to find out before you actually need it.

I know it's really really really hard to watch your kid struggling but I would resist the temptation to rush in and fix things for her, at least for a little while. This is her battle to fight and you need to be (appear to be!!!) confident she can win it because if she manages it herself it will teach her all sorts of things about how to make friends, understanding that bad situations don't last forever, advocating for herself etc. That's the biggest gift you can give her.

That said I wouldn't let the misery drag on if it doesn't improve in a couple of weeks. Set you and her a deadline for when you have a chat about what can be done and then you can intervene. In the meantime just make home as cosy and supportive as you can. Good luck, this WILL pass one way or another.