Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Sixth form with no social life?

78 replies

christinarossetti19 · 03/09/2023 08:04

It's looking like DD will stay on at her school sixth form. She moved to this school at the beginning of Y10 after being managed out of her previous school and doesn't feel ready to make another transition. She's still quite traumatised and affected by this experience, but refuses to even think about counselling or anything like that.

That's fine and probably the right decision for her, after the whole of Y11 agonising about sixth form.

But although she has friends in school, she never sees them out of school. Variety of reasons (their religious and cultural backgrounds being one of them).

This would all be fine except for the fact that she spends so much time on her phone, looking at other girls her age either on SM or TikTok wishing her life was different. She no longer has any hobbies outside of school, says no to pretty much any suggestion and is really self-conscious eg always thinks other people are talking about her.

She has this idea that she's going to go to university in a couple of years, make lots of friends, have a great social life and everything will be great. It's almost like an escapist fantasy for her.

She has a place at another selective sixth form which has an intake that would be more conducive to a social life and she was initially really keen to go to, but is too scared to go somewhere new (see above re: trauma about moving schools).

Not sure what I'm asking really. Anyone else's DC gone or going to a sixth form where there won't be a social life and with no other social life going on outside of school?

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 03/09/2023 08:07

Mine has no social life out of sixth form, but he’s happy there, and has friends there.
I have to say though, that I was like that. I never saw high school friends out of school, but that changed when I started work, and I got a social life with my work mates.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 03/09/2023 08:14

I would suggest she gives the new sixth form a go. Lots of people will be new, which makes settling in easier. Almost practise for moving to uni. You don’t say if it is a sixth form only - if so the vibe can be very different from school, which might reduce the stress from the previous move.

As some reassurance, my dd had a very tough y11 mentally (psychosis, suicidal ideation etc…) and had a very quiet time at 6th form. She is now at uni and it is completely different, she has found similar people and is loving life. Cliched but she has found her group.

I think she almost needed a chrysalis stage to go from a child to an adult and can know dry her wings and fly.

Original poster

christinarossetti19 · 03/09/2023 08:15

Thanks for replying. What does your D's do outside of school?

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 03/09/2023 08:16

She has this idea that she's going to go to university in a couple of years, make lots of friends, have a great social life and everything will be great.

Why is that such an unrealistic expectation? University is a completely fresh start - she’ll have loads of opportunities to meet new people in an environment where everyone is independent and has freedom to make their own choices socially.

Duttercup · 03/09/2023 08:17

She has this idea that she's going to go to university in a couple of years, make lots of friends, have a great social life and everything will be great. It's almost like an escapist fantasy for her.

This could very well be what happens though. It's certainly what happened to me...

LighthouseCat · 03/09/2023 08:22

Don't forget there might also be new people coming in to her 6th form so some opportunity for new friends but in an environment she knows and feels safe. I think probably a good decision to stay, focus on getting great A-levels. Uni will be a new start. My DD is quite similar sounding to yours but she does have hobbies (albeit solitary ones) and does socialise perhaps once every 3 weeks. It seems to suit her.

yikesanotherbooboo · 03/09/2023 08:22

One of my DC had no social life before university; they are having a great time there.

Original poster

christinarossetti19 · 03/09/2023 08:23

That's interesting thanks I hadn't thought about it like that. Maybe this is a developmental stage for her.

I did want her to give the new sixth form a go for those reasons (plus the dress code is better and they do one of the 'A' levels her school doesn't).

She got as far as registering but is too scared to give it a go I'm afraid, even with the caveat that she could return to her sixth form if she didn't like it.

OP posts:

Original poster

christinarossetti19 · 03/09/2023 08:27

Lighthouse cat that sounds great. A hobby and going out now and then eg birthdays would be how she was in primary,early secondary and that suited her.

I know teens are different, and if she was genuinely not bothered by never going out, I wouldn't be concerned.

OP posts:

BumpyaDaisyevna · 03/09/2023 08:28

Does she have a job at all?

Can be a good way to boost confidence and it is pro-social without you having to make "friends" with fellow workers?

Might lay foundations for making new friends and she will feel proud of herself (and enjoy the extra money!)

Why was she "managed out"? That sounds horrible for a child to go through!

Blueroses99 · 03/09/2023 08:29

She has this idea that she's going to go to university in a couple of years, make lots of friends, have a great social life and everything will be great. It's almost like an escapist fantasy for her.

This is exactly how I viewed sixth form - a stepping stone to university - and yet, I made friends with a bunch of newbies and we are still the closest of friends now!

CrapBucket · 03/09/2023 08:29

She has already made a big change of school so I’d support her decision to stay there. Transitions use a lot of energy. Let her conserve some energy, stay where she likes it, keep her in school friendships.

I would do whatever I could to help her get a part time job - it will fill her out of school time and be sociable - and save up for her goal of uni.

itsgettingweird · 03/09/2023 08:31

My ds had trauma from being managed out of a school.

It took him years (even after he moved to a fantastic school) to recover from that.

It took until he left and went to college.

So uni being a fresh start isn't a complete fantasy. I suspect she wants continuity right now to continue processing the trauma ready for that big adventure in another 2 years.

itsgettingweird · 03/09/2023 08:31

Actually he also has ran a from what happened in the school too. But the point is the amount of time he needed to recover and he could only manage day to day school in a familiar environment whilst he did.

ohtowinthelottery · 03/09/2023 08:33

Another one here whose DC had no social life outside of 6th form but who had a great group of friends at Uni and embraced the clubbing and pub culture - which we never thought they would.
Her idea that her social life will blossom at Uni is not that far fetched.

Singleandproud · 03/09/2023 08:34

Has DD made good friendships previously? Is she still in touch with them or has she always been a bit of a lone wolf?
Was she managed out because she wasn't hitting the high expectations of the selective school or was it due to something trickier like behaviour, MH, attendance etc?

Original poster

christinarossetti19 · 03/09/2023 08:36

CrapBucket yes I agree. I do support her decision to stay at her school for exactly those reasons.

She started a part-time job last week but has already decided that she doesn't like it, that none of her friends work so why should she and the manager (a friend of mine who's known DD since she was a baby) was talking about her with a colleague in their native language.

It's this degree of overthinking, self-consciousness, anxiety and paranoia that concerns me as it affects everything.

OP posts:

tigpig · 03/09/2023 08:39

I had no social life in sixth form. Worst 2 years of my life. Went to university and had a fantastic time. Uni can be a complete fresh start for many people.

chopc · 03/09/2023 08:41

Are you living in an area where there are a predominantly people from different cultures?

Original poster

christinarossetti19 · 03/09/2023 08:45

"Singleandproud* DD was managed out because she was being horrifically bullied and the school wouldn't address it. DD refused to go to school, I went into a meeting to try to agree a plan to get her back and the outcome was an email from the school supporting me moving her to another school.

I did, in due course, receive a full written apology from the head, but so what? The damage was done and I've been picking up the pieces for two years.

She did stay in touch with her friends from this school for a bit, but it was too painful for her (stirred it all up again including that they didn't stick up for her).

The two closest friends she made in her new school have left for another sixth form, but she does know other people (although was left out of a birthday invitation last week, so not great socially).

OP posts:

Original poster

christinarossetti19 · 03/09/2023 08:50

chopc we're in London, so very mixed, but plenty of middle class kids around.

The friends she had at primary and in her old school all seem to have decent social lives of various types. The paranoia triggered by the bullying led her to cut herself off from them.

OP posts:

Lehenaghmore · 03/09/2023 08:55

It sounds to me as if you’re worrying about the wrong stuff — a social life seems minor compared to the fact that she’s clearly traumatised from bullying and her last school not supporting her. I mean, it may be that this is what she’s focusing on, but there’s far more at stake here (I’d suggest that wanting to leave her job immediately something she saw as negative happened is related too). Has she had counselling?

redskytonights · 03/09/2023 08:59

Do many new people join in sixth form? Both my DC made new friends then, despite carrying on in their existing school sixth forms.

I'd suggest an out of school activity or a different job with more people her own age. If for nothing else but to broaden her horizons. Part time jobs were the making of my DC in terms of boosting their confidence and resilience.

The beauty of social media is that she can still stay in touch with her friends who've left the sixth form and, hearing about what they are doing will give her different perspectives.

itsmyp4rty · 03/09/2023 09:00

Does she have a diagnosis? I recognise a lot of that behaviour in my ds with ASD. What does she want to do for A-levels/job wise? Is there anything you could get her doing as a hobby or volunteering that would be related? I stressed with DS that he would need something to write on his personal statement when he applied for uni and between us we came up with some things including - volunteering to help at a school club, online courses/making a website on his interests and joining a lunchtime school club.

I think it's really rude to talk about someone in a language they don't speak in front of them, so I'm not surprised that made your dd paranoid! I wonder if you could speak to the friend and get some feedback on how dd did and hopefully have something positive to tell her and that friend was really pleased with her. She really needs her confidence building by the sounds of it so i would also stress to friend how much you appreciate her offering dd a job as dd is lacking in confidence and worried she's not good enough. Hopefully then friend will give her lots of encouragement. I would though encourage dd to keep working there - again go for the 'it's something to put on your statement/cv that will show you have all sorts of skills ie well organised, reliable, hard working etc.

Get her thinking about the future and remind her that she will be writing her personal statement at the beginning of yr 13 so yr 12 is the time to do lots of things that you can put on it. Be really positive, talk to her about what she is interested in and give her lots of ideas of the different things she could do. Lots of support and encouragement.

Zodfa · 03/09/2023 09:04

Is it possible that her friends might become more amenable to spending time with her outside of school as they get older? E.g. the cultural things might start to have less impact.

I found these things fluctuated a lot for me at school. I had good friends in lower secondary, but I didn't spend much time with them outside of school. (To be honest I didn't feel the need. I was with them all day every day and that was enough!) By sixth form I was doing a lot more out-of-school social stuff. Same group of friends, just different stages.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread