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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Sixth form with no social life?

78 replies

christinarossetti19 · 03/09/2023 08:04

It's looking like DD will stay on at her school sixth form. She moved to this school at the beginning of Y10 after being managed out of her previous school and doesn't feel ready to make another transition. She's still quite traumatised and affected by this experience, but refuses to even think about counselling or anything like that.

That's fine and probably the right decision for her, after the whole of Y11 agonising about sixth form.

But although she has friends in school, she never sees them out of school. Variety of reasons (their religious and cultural backgrounds being one of them).

This would all be fine except for the fact that she spends so much time on her phone, looking at other girls her age either on SM or TikTok wishing her life was different. She no longer has any hobbies outside of school, says no to pretty much any suggestion and is really self-conscious eg always thinks other people are talking about her.

She has this idea that she's going to go to university in a couple of years, make lots of friends, have a great social life and everything will be great. It's almost like an escapist fantasy for her.

She has a place at another selective sixth form which has an intake that would be more conducive to a social life and she was initially really keen to go to, but is too scared to go somewhere new (see above re: trauma about moving schools).

Not sure what I'm asking really. Anyone else's DC gone or going to a sixth form where there won't be a social life and with no other social life going on outside of school?

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Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2023 21:09

Could she get a Saturday job in a supermarket? My 17 year old cousin has loads of pals from doing this

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2023 21:12

If she won't go to a cbt therapist there are lots of apps and books you can get about social anxiety that are cbt based

CrapBucket · 03/09/2023 21:20

Oh OP, it’s so so hard. Just hang on to the fact that your DD doesn’t ’want’ to be like this. This is a phase, it will pass. Keep taking one moment at a time.

christinarossetti19 · 03/09/2023 22:20

Thank you again CrapBucket. You're right - she doesn't 'want' to be like this and at some point she'll have the maturity to realise that she can do something about it.

It is so, so hard though, and I'm so, so worn out by it.

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OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 04/09/2023 06:29

How are you both this morning? Being a teenager is hard and being a mum of a teenager is a challenge.

Once she is calm you can have a proper conversation. When she is in an emotional response state your rational comments won't have an impact.

Is this subject an important one for her? If so then that might decide the discussion about which school.

However, if it isn't running due to numbers it is likely to be an interesting subject and not usually necessary to study to go onto study that at uni. Eg sociology doesn't require sociology Alevel/btec

christinarossetti19 · 04/09/2023 07:30

The subject is English Lit. Only 5 students took it last year, so class is likely to be small anyway. It's her strongest subject and one that she really wants to study at 'A'level.

I think she will go in tomorrow to see what's happening. There are about 150 students going into Y12, so I desperately hope that it will run.

I'm going into work today and will have my phone off which I think is the best thing for both of us.

But it breaks my heart to see how deeply affected she still is by what happened at her old school. She was the only one, popil or teacher, to suffer in the whole sorry mess and boy has she taken the hit for the adults who stood by while she was being verbally abused.

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OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 04/09/2023 19:49

That is a tough one as if she wants to go on and study English (great subject) at uni she will need English Lit.

I am sorry you last school let her down so badly.

Does this change her thoughts on which school to go to?

christinarossetti19 · 04/09/2023 20:04

Thanks for responding. She's going to go in tomorrow and see how the land lies.

It seems incredulous that she's the only one who wants to do English Lit, although this might not be the case.

If it's not running, she doesn't have a plan. There's nothing else she wants to do (she's already changed one of her choices as they don't run it at her current school).

Fingers crossed that it will run...

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OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 05/09/2023 07:14

I hope today goes well. It is staggering a 150 sixth form has only 1 doing English!

Could she take a year out? I’m not sure how that might work but I think it is possible. Or do you think that would leave her more isolated.

GodessOfThunder · 05/09/2023 07:47

What does it mean to be “managed out” of a school?

redskytonights · 05/09/2023 12:59

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 05/09/2023 07:14

I hope today goes well. It is staggering a 150 sixth form has only 1 doing English!

Could she take a year out? I’m not sure how that might work but I think it is possible. Or do you think that would leave her more isolated.

DD's school year is around 300 and they've only got 14 for English Lit.

1 is clearly the other end of the spectrum, but unless it's an academic school sixth form, maybe it's not that odd?

christinarossetti19 · 05/09/2023 14:05

The majority of children in the school have English as an additional language and/or are from overseas. It's possible that English literature doesn't feel as accessible or relevant to them as other subjects (and the GCSE is so much rote learning that kids get put off).

She's not sure yet whether it's running - hopefully she'll find out tomorrow.

She's clear that if it's not, she'll choose another subject rather than move as she's just too frightened. It's heartbreaking to see. She was the only one from her primary to go to her secondary school and she coped really well, and had all that quite self-confidence knocked out of her by her previous school.

She has no idea what other subject she wants to do. She's been dead set on Eng Lit since the get go, and it's so sad that she doesn't feel able to move to one of the many sixth forms that run it, not least the one that she loved when we went to the open evening and she enrolled at last week.

GodessofThunder for my dd being 'managed out' of a school meant the school refusing to address the bullying that she was being subjected to (other than a 'mediation meeting' where the child bullying was verbally abusive to my daughter while the safeguarding lead laughed and told her she needed to 'ride it through'. I shit you not.)

It meant the school not contacting her parents once about the bullying she was being subjected to, not keeping any written record of any interventions (there weren't any interventions to make a note of tbf).

It meant refusing to address the bullying because they 'were trying to avoid a permanent exclusion' of the child who was bullying (direct quote from the HoY).

It mean the HoY talking to my dd about the bullying policy then emailing me saying that he hadn't called it bullying,.

It meant that when I went into a meeting to try to work out a way to get her back to school, the outcome was an email telling me that the bullying had been addressed and that they strongly supported me moving my child to another school. Then letting her be on unauthorised absence for three weeks without any contact at all.

It meant that when a senior member of staff emailed the person who had met with us and advised her to move the other child out of the tutor group and put my dd in the appropriate sets, that that information was never passed on to us, or my dd would have gone back (found out through a SARs request).

Yes, I did write to the governors who ignored my letter (possibly because the head had already sent me a fully written apology by then, but so fucking what, it's still been me picking up the pieces for the last two years)

Yes, I did write to Ofsted who went in and said the school was great and that bullying was dealt with effectively.

Yes, it does break my heart every time someone says their child likes/is doing well/is supported at that school. That was all I wanted , wasn't asking for special treatment, just an ordinary school experience.

And this last year of stress about sixth forms has been pretty unbearable and isn't even over yet.

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christinarossetti19 · 05/09/2023 14:12

Sorry, that was a bit long!

God I hope Eng Lit is running.

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longestlurkerever · 05/09/2023 14:55

I remember English literature nearly not running at my school due to low numbers but they had a change of heart and decided it was such a core subject it had to run, though we had fewer lessons than normal and some joint with another year group. I hope it runs, or your dd decides she can face a move after all.

ThanksItHasPockets · 05/09/2023 15:04

English Lit A level numbers have plummeted nationally but I am sorry to say that if the school population predominantly comprises students from first and second generation immigrant backgrounds, particularly of south Asian heritage, then there’s a real chance that there won’t be enough interest to make the course viable. Sadly the humanities are increasingly the preserve of a fairly privileged, predominantly white minority and it is a national problem as well as being a terrible shame.

christinarossetti19 · 05/09/2023 15:08

Yes, they had five students last year and a few who were interested this year but have had second thoughts.

If it doesn't run, dd has no idea what other subject she would do (Eng Lit her strongest and favourite). Heartbreaking that she's just too traumatised to take up her place in another school.

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christinarossetti19 · 09/09/2023 19:52

A quick update... English Lit is running with a very small class. That's fine, just relieved that it's running. DD was okay this week although in a foul mood this weekend. I think she's really angry with herself that she wasn't brave enough to move schools. I've been focusing on you're made a decision, now get behind it and make it work, but it's sad to see her in this state.

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longestlurkerever · 09/09/2023 23:40

Ah that's great news! I hope she finds that moving into 6th form is something of a new beginning anyway. I found it such a refreshing change back when I was her age, even though I didn't move schools. The attitude of the teachers, the shifting dynamics and the increase in maturity made for such a nicer life.

christinarossetti19 · 10/09/2023 06:57

Thanks, yes I really hope do too.

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CrapBucket · 10/09/2023 08:10

It is so hard watching them go through stuff like this, I am glad the course is running. Hope the next weeks bring more of a settled feeling. At my DD’s 6th form there are kids leaving and joining each day at the moment as they change their minds and capacity shifts here and there. Which is unsettling for everyone but understandable. I think it’s all going to take time.

longestlurkerever · 10/09/2023 08:37

Hopefully the small English class is a good opportunity to build some new friendships.

christinarossetti19 · 16/09/2023 08:54

Yes, I hope so. She's been complaining about English this week, along with complaining about everything else.

The job didn't work out as my friend needs workers who will put in the time to learn the role and work more than one shift a week to start with, and DD isn't prepared to do that at the moment. The door is open for the future though.

DD has said a couple of times that she is going to email the sixth form that she registered at before she decided to stay in her school to see if she can move. I've been very 'okeydokes, just let me know what your plans are at some point' about it.

Hearing from friends whose 16 year olds have made the perfectly normal transition to college or another sixth form without a year's worth of panicky paranoia and still not having the bottle to make that step has felt sad and painful this week.

It's dad's life to navigate but I feel absolutely murderous towards the adults in her previous school that did her so much harm. Sure it's all ancient history to them, but the trauma is still very live for DD.

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CrapBucket · 16/09/2023 09:10

The complaining is so familiar!!

I had the same approach with my eldest, in hindsight I wish I’d been slightly more proactive and instead of leaving him to let me know about changing from school to college (which he never got round to) I think I should have helped him write an email or set up a meeting. I think his complaining was his way of asking me to help. But he wasn’t clear so I didn’t help!!

So hard when they just complain as their default setting though.

runningpram · 16/09/2023 09:38

Hi
You sound like a fab Mum. I experienced a similar experience to your daughter around the same age.

I had friends but they didn't often meet up outside of school- although our friendships have been long lasting. I also suffered some paranoia - probably looking back it was trauma related due to a really difficult time at home and school. I would honestly let your daughter recover in her own way.

I remember telling an adult that i thought people were talking about me to be told that they probably were! Which obviously wasn’t helpful to my state of mind!
So anything you can do to reassure your daughter and model normal resilience/interactions will stand her in good stead.

The good news is that I got fantastic grades, went to a brilliant uni and made lots of friends. It wasn’t a fairy tale but it was a fresh and exciting start. It really isn’t the end of the world for your daughter to make studies her priority for a year or two. I would imagine as she starts to mature/recover she will start connecting a bit more!

christinarossetti19 · 16/09/2023 10:31

Thank you both for your thoughtful and kind words.

CrapBucket I think I've been overly proactive and stepped in too much over the last few years. It was necessary with the bullying, her school refusal and various other dramas of Y11 but I was reflecting on the state that she got herself in around sixth forms/transition and I'm not sure that it helped.

runningpram I think you're absolutely right that she needs to recover in her own time and I need to convey that I trust her to go that.

I had severe mh problems as a teenage and young adult and stopped going to school for a while. I don't think I'm the best person to help her navigate this. I hope that she can build some closer relationships with her teachers in sixth form.

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