Sixth form with no social life?

[christinarossetti19]

It's looking like DD will stay on at her school sixth form. She moved to this school at the beginning of Y10 after being managed out of her previous school and doesn't feel ready to make another transition. She's still quite traumatised and affected by this experience, but refuses to even think about counselling or anything like that.

That's fine and probably the right decision for her, after the whole of Y11 agonising about sixth form.

But although she has friends in school, she never sees them out of school. Variety of reasons (their religious and cultural backgrounds being one of them).

This would all be fine except for the fact that she spends so much time on her phone, looking at other girls her age either on SM or TikTok wishing her life was different. She no longer has any hobbies outside of school, says no to pretty much any suggestion and is really self-conscious eg always thinks other people are talking about her.

She has this idea that she's going to go to university in a couple of years, make lots of friends, have a great social life and everything will be great. It's almost like an escapist fantasy for her.

She has a place at another selective sixth form which has an intake that would be more conducive to a social life and she was initially really keen to go to, but is too scared to go somewhere new (see above re: trauma about moving schools).

Not sure what I'm asking really. Anyone else's DC gone or going to a sixth form where there won't be a social life and with no other social life going on outside of school?

No, she hasn't had counselling and absolutely refuses to do so. I wish she would - it's been very painful to witness the effect her previous school has had on her.

I agree that the traumatic move from her last school is the underlying issue, but in the absence of her having counselling/therapy, the next best thing must be to have other experiences that mitigate some of the effects ie situations where she feels included, accepted.

Yep. I think her deciding that she doesn't like her job comes from the same place. But, again, I can't live her life for her.

Thanks for posting this. I do see that DD isn't ready to make another transition and is still processing what happened two years ago.

What does the first sentence in your post mean?

It's was my iPad deciding the word trauma needed correcting! It was an addition to the post I'd posted above it.

I spent many years worried about ds. He's slightly different because he doesn't have a social life as such (asd and socialising isn't his thing!) but he joined a sports club as he healed and it helped with his healing and when the pressures of school were over he moved to a competitive training regime at at different club (so like going off to uni) and has competed for Britain.

In hindsight I am able to see that he needed consistency to heal and be ready for other things outside of school.

He also had severe anxiety.

I think staying is fine, but I would talk to her about addressing the paranoia, anxiety and overthinking. That’s very unlikely to disappear overnight at university and she finds her magic utopia. New sixth form could be a stepping stone e.g. learning how to trust people while you’re at home to support. Or she stays where she is and looks at joining/doing something to build her confidence. I don’t think anxiety will magically disappear at university - it may but that’s quite a risk to take. It sounds like more than she just hasn’t found her tribe.

A part time job somewhere with young people could help open up a social life if she won’t get one at school. The dynamics will change though, she might find someone she barely talked to becomes a friend.

My sense is that the anxiety and paranoia isn't going to magically disappear in a new, stressful environment either!

She'd hit the first hurdle and leave.

There are a handful of new students at sixth form, but not many, but yes friendship groups can shift

Would a sixth form college work better for her, they tend to treat them more like adults, much broader selection of young people and much larger in size. I thought most went to colleges as I'm not aware of city schools with 6th forms apart from religious ones.

Both my DD's went to a different 6th form from school despite changing schools at 14 (system here is different) and definitely was the right choice.

Mine is another with minimal social life outside of school. But that's always been the case. Friends at school but no desire to see them outside of it. She very occasionally does, and enjoys it, but comes home and says that's her socialising done for six months!
She moved for sixth form from a school she'd been at since Y2. It was also from town to big city, from five minute walk to 45 minutes tube. It was a very rocky couple of weeks but she settled in and is now happy (she's left it now).
So the difference is your daughter wants to be social but isn't. And I do worry about thinking uni will be the solution - it may, but it's not the 'time of your life' for many, and usually that's only in retrospect!
She needs time to mature. All you can really do is support and encourage, but not badger. I was forever saying to mine 'if you want to invite your friends I'm happy to do X, Y, Z' but realised it was fruitless. And maybe there will be new kids at her current sixth form and she might make a pal or two.

Thanks, mondaytosunday. Yes, I'm definitely not badgering her but I do want her to see if she is able to that the barriers are inside her iykwim. She's not suddenly going to stop feeling self-conscious or paranoid - they're (understandable) traits that she'll need to learn to manage.

I think the key trauma is that she didn't want to leave her old school. She was effectively kicked out and there was not one adult or child that stood up for her in a school where she'd been for three years. That was horribly traumatic for a 14 year old esp just after the COVID lockdowns.

Maybe in a few years she will be more amenable to counselling- right now she is probably in a self-protect mode and won’t want to relive the shitty times she has endured.

OP I think you are doing all the right things to support her, I know how hard it is to guide fragile teens without pressurising them. You sound calm and consistent which is what she needs. Keep on going and make sure you don’t neglect your own self in all this.

I feel for you OP. My daughter is younger but I posted a similar thread about her lack of our of school social life and she has similar traits in terms of social anxiety. She's had counseling with CAMHS and I don't know how much it's helped but basically they recommend keep pushing yourself just slightly out of your comfort zone and building up gradually, so I'd try to keep encouraging your DD to do this. A change of sixth form might be too much but perhaps she could try speaking to someone new. I was on the train yesterday with a (loud!) group of sixth formers talking about how they now hung out with people they'd not really spoken to before.

In my experience there is quite a bit of change with friendship groups in sixth form. DD is about to start yr 13 with a totally new group compared to the start of yr 12.

DD has CBT for social anxiety about 3 years ago. It made a big difference. If you can persuade her to try it I would. We had to pay as CAMHs waiting times were too long.

"she spends so much time on her phone, looking at other girls her age either on SM or TikTok wishing her life was different. She no longer has any hobbies outside of school, says no to pretty much any suggestion and is really self-conscious eg always thinks other people are talking about her."

++++

Sadly this is increasingly the norm for teenage girls. People only post positive (or fake) images and posts on social media that viewers then look at and feel that their lives are crap / a failure.

"Comparison is the thief of happiness"

itsmyp4rty it's highly unlikely my friend was talking about dd - that's the point!

Thank you CrapBucket I feel very far from calm and consistent. I struggle not to get caught up in her angst and the worry that she'll stop going to school again.

I think that's absolutely right about comfort zones, longestlurkever. A new sixth form would be too much right now but I think her anxiety comes from wanting to be able to give it a go but being too frightened. She's done a bit of comfort zone pushing over the summer and it's sad to see her back to 'no' as soon as she's back at school.

I hope that once lessons etc start, things will bed down a bit.

I know, I know.

But she's 16. I don't think I can take her phone off her or limit it to an hour a day like I did when she was 13.

Agree she isn't going to get over them and needs to learn to manage them.

But I think staying in a familiar setting removes another thing to manage to give her the headspace to learn those skills.

@christinarossetti19

I know it's not for every girl but what really helped my DD was girls rugby. Training with a close team feel where you are judged on how you play and how you stick up for your teammates- and where in the mud and rain no one gives a crap about how you look, what you are wearing and what your interests are.

Plus an opportunity to do all the things that for the rest of the week are told not to do - shouting, taking people down and being taken down yet knowing you have to get back up because your team mates need your help

Would she be open to sticking with the job for a month to see how it goes?

Maybe she doesn't understand that it's normal and ordinary to feel stressed and unsure when you first do something because it outside your comfort zone?

And she will no doubt enjoy the money?

Maybe in a month she will feel differently?

The school I teach at draws from quite a wide area for sixth form, so it's hard for some students to meet up and socialise in Y12. Around here, it can be normal to have a long commute to sixth form or college, which doesn't leave a lot of time for socialising in the week.

It can be normal for students to do a lot of socialising in school at this age- especially with "study" periods and so on.

If she's got a lot of trauma around changing schools, I wouldn't force it. Things may change in terms of friendships, or the freedoms other students are allowed in sixth form, which may help improve her social life too.

At this age, I wouldn't force a move she's against for social reasons- and the new school may not work out any better.

Thanks. Definitely not forcing any changing of schools. She was adamant this time last year that she wasn't going to stay in her sixth form, hence doing the open evenings of others and months of angst as she applied to ridiculous places the other side of London 'so that she wouldn't see anyone she knew from her old school'.

I think staying put is the right thing for her. The problem is that she's still ambivalent and sort of wants to be brave enough to move but then isn't so it goes round and round her head.

I'd love her to get involved in a sport outside of school. She did dance for years when she was younger and I paid for private classes over the winter to try to get her into it again. She was due to attend a session with other girls, wanted to go, flipped out just as she was about to go out of the door, ended up ripping a radiator off the wall.

Yes, I do think she would benefit from counselling to process the trauma or CBT to manage the negative thoughts.

Unfortunately can't make her go.

Gosh OP.
We must have the same daughter.
Your "escapist fantasy" University struck such a familiar chord.
Also the looking at SM and feeling she has a rubbish life!
I have a DD who is the same.
It's so hard when they drop everything and say no to everything.
My DD is the same age and has one last hobby she has been doing since she was 5.
Going to start 6th form tomorrow and has announced she won't be doing it anymore.
I am begging/arguing with her...
Her mood improves most of the time once she is back from the class and I would hate for that to disappear.
I asked her what she is going to put in there personal statement for uni ( though I know very well her hobby is not going to add any UCAS points) and that seems to have atleast made her reflect for a few seconds.
It's very hard to make them do it...we can only try..

Solidarity DarkChocHolic.

It is bloody hard. Although as DH said earlier, she's just done well in her GCSEs, and we're not looking at a situation where she's scrabbling around trying to find somewhere to take her.

DD left a school in similar circumstances to your DD half way through y6. She then went to another school for six months (which she loved) and transferred from there to high school.

She is 16 now and is happy and this was all a long time ago but I can still tell the toll it took on her. Particularly being anxious about people not liking her etc and a feeling something else could happen. Also a lack of trust in teachers if she needs help for any reason.

There was recently a discussion on a different thread about a 16 year old doing worse in her GCSEs than expected and not getting into sixth form. Teachers felt it was not their responsibility to offer any support or guidance or check on the welfare of the young person but I didn’t agree.

I think until your child has had to leave school in hard circumstances in an unplanned way and with no closure people cannot imagine how hugely distressing it is for them and the enormous sense of grief for their old life that they have. The no goodbye is horrible. Over five years on that loss is still there for my daughter. Though over the years it has got better and she has done tremendously well, I expect it will be there forever in some way, shape or form.

Your daughter has done so well to pick herself up and you’ve done so well to navigate her through it.

Well, dd found out about an hour ago that one of her friends isn't doing one of the subjects that she is. She thinks no-one else is, so it won't run, so she won't go to sixth form.

I'm afraid that I shouted at her 'you don't know the fucking facts yet' (she doesn't - there may be other people doing the subject).

She's gone storming out saying that she hopes that she'll be hit by a car.

I feel like I'm losing my mind with this. It's been over two years of intensive input from me to just get her through and here we are.