Upset child after induction day.

[Sweetie1980]

My ds is the only one going from his primary to his new secondary school. There are kids coming from the junior school and a feeder school so there are a lot of kids that already have friends . He was in tears just now saying he will never make friends and how lots of kids already had friends . He was on his own at break time so a teacher chatted to him . I am so upset for him , have I made a mistake sending him to a school where lots of kids know each other ? I think he will now worry all summer. Any suggestions on how I can help him ? It seems quite a caring school so maybe I should email them .

I am a head of year, at the moment for year 7. We had a number of students arrive completely on their own. I know it’s worrying for parents, but please believe me when I say your DC will be fine. They will find their tribe, will fall in and out of friendships before Christmas, but ultimately will be ok. You could contact the school and ask if there are others arriving on their own. I put those students all in the same mentor group, which seemed to help those tricky first weeks. Hope all goes well.

This is so common OP! My DS knew one boy from his primary, but they weren't particular friends and were put in different classes, so it didn't help. He was also worried about making friends and was quite down about the whole transition, but it didn't take him long to make friends once he started. The transition to secondary is so fraught and going to a school where you know no one (or almost no one) does make it a bit harder initially, but tbh those kids who do know someone often end up making new friends anyway and schools are very good at mixing everyone up to basically put them all in the same boat.

I can give you experiences from both sides of the 'primary school friends' fence.

One of my DS's friends joined the secondary school they both attend as the only child from his primary school. Which was also a very small village school. Secondary school is one of the largest in this part of the country.

DS joined with most of the kids from his primary school as it was a feeder. But, not one of the old classmates was in his Year 7 class.

Both of the boys have just finished their GCSEs, have very good groups of friends (though they are mates with each other they have a separate group of year friends).

So, whilst there will be feeder school primary students at the school, some of them will be split from their 'best' friends or even classmates they get on with. They'll be feeling like your DS as they won't be sitting with people they know (or possibly like very much). They'll all soon gravitate towards each other.

I agree with the idea of getting into some summer school activities. That's actually where DS and the boy mentioned above met. His mum put him in so he'd have some people to at least say hi to on the first day.

Honestly, he'll be fine. Both my kids had friends going into secondary and within the first week had a whole new group of friends. After the first term had different friends and by the last term was friends with the whole year. He'll be reet.

Is there a summer school or anything? They can sometimes help with friendships.

also, please do contact the school - maybe suggest they do an extra after school session for any child who’s coming alone from a primary? My old school did this, parents and kids, hot chocolate and snacks, and it really helped those kids who knew no one

My daughter did the same . Only one from her primary by Xmas had loads of new friends and perfectly happy. OTOH my other daughter went with all her primary friends but was in no lasses with them anyway. Soon made new ones

I can understand why he is feeling like that. Most of people from my junior school went to my secondary so it was really reassuring to know people on day 1. Yet within a week or two my 'best friends' were people who were in my form that I'd never met before.

I recently saw someone on our local FB group asking if anyone else had children going to a particular school out of our area as their DC didn't know anyone else going, with a view to meeting up over the summer break and there were several positive responses. Might that help?

Oh, how I remember this, OP - September 1976 - as if it were yesterday!

I came to a huge secondary school of over a thousand pupils (age 11-16) from a very small local junior school where I knew everyone.
I had spent the summer hols before absolutely terrified of the change and when I got there, I was so scared, it felt like I just couldn’t speak at all! I don’t think I uttered a word for days, the older pupils seemed so worldly and noisy and just so BIG!
I knew virtually no-one and we seemed so split up (8 first year classes) that I barely saw anyone I knew.
It took about 2 weeks to start to lose the knot of anxiety & “breathe out” and settle in a little, the school seemed to mix us around so we met loads of random new-starters in the same boat.

I ended up enjoying my time there, had a good group of friends, several very close friends, a couple of boyfriends ( and many crushes ) over my 5 years and think fondly back at my time there. Your DC will be fine, I promise!
It is a huge step, but we’ve all been there!
Good Luck x

I’m not there yet with DS but dreading things like this, I can imagine how sorry you feel for him after a tough day.

As other have said and if it’s any consolation.. I went to secondary from a feeder primary. Loads of us knew each other already. I remember that in a very short space of time we had all formed completely new friendship groups and old groups had dissolved. It’s fascinating to look back on it now but secondary is a big melting pot and an opportunity to meet new people. I’m sure he will find his tribe.

Make sure he's meeting new people both inside and outside school. Get him to join some clubs that pull from a different crowd for example.

Some schools run a summer school for a few days before the start of term it might be worth asking, this was offered to my daughter as she was one of just a handful of pupils starting the school and struggles a little with transition.

Both of my DS went to a secondary school that none of the their primary school friends were going to and I had my concerns at first but honestly with in the first week of being in school in the September they made new friends, they grow and change so much in the first school year at secondary I really wouldn’t worry he will be fine honestly the school holidays he is going to feel anxious they all do, reassurance is all you can do until he starts, I’m sure there will be other kids in the same position as your DS.

I was one of three kids from my primary school in a new school, and none were in my class which (in first year) meant I never saw them. Alongside this about 50% of kids came from this huge primary school and all knew eachother. But I honestly think it was good for me. Tough making friends at first but now I have a group of new friends and I’m actually only friends with 2 friends from primary school and neither of them went to my secondary! Things work out. My dp and half my friends came from that large primary school too

speak to your son's primary school - they should be doing handovers and helping with transition so will be able to reach out to the transition coordinator at the new school and let them know he's struggling. I had this last year with my eldest and again this year with middly - they are both shy kids who don't do change well so I've put in extra work speaking to their teachers to try to make it as easy as I can for them - and to reassure you, eldest will now admit that she prefers secondary to primary (result!), as my kiddos teacher said, the secondary want the kids to settle in quickly and be happy because that makes for better learning outcomes and better attendance so they will do whatever they can to help - it may be that they can place DS in a class with someone else they know to be on their own and introduce them as buddies for the first few weeks for example. Its so hard for us as parents, its our primary driver to make sure our kiddos are happy and if you've got one who either doesn't do change well and/or is shy, transition to secondary can seem insurmountable!

Once they get allotted their form it will be different. Not everyone will know each other and it will be much less overwhelming

Generally (particularly lads for some unknown reason) make completely different friendship groups in secondary school.....along the lines of people in their classes. It feels bad for him now but it will work itself out. Some schools do a week in the summer to help with this (fun lessons/activities) ....sometimes these can be done locally which although not ideal may still help.

All the Best

both my kids went to the catchment school, so they knew a reasonable number of people from primary.
DS1 hung out with them for the first term, then made new friends, and now in year 13 has nothing to do with any of the primary lot.
Ds2 is now in year 9 and also made new friends, but his best friends are still the ones he was at primary with.

Was there a specific reason you’re sending your son to a different school?

This happened to my son and it did take a few weeks to settle but he made friends with other kids in the same boat and now loves it. He ll be fine xx

We moved house immediately before I started the first year of Grammar school. I'd never seen or been to the school, never met any staff, and knew no other pupils at all.

It was absolutely fine. I soon made friends, including one who is still my friend over 60 years later.

My now y9 DD didn’t get an induction day due to Covid. She went as one of about 12 from her primary to a school where the year group is over 200. She was put in a form class with her best friend who is a school refuser so she never sees her. Both her and the friend are autistic and I did worry about her making friends but she seemed to find ‘her people’ fairly quickly. None in her form group which she says is a total nightmare of a group. She sees no one now from her primary. Her friendship group has changed and developed over the last few years. Girls fall in and out. She joined her interest group as an after school activity and has friends in other year groups now - also autistic as I think the autistic girls seem to gravitate to each other no matter which year group they are if they have similar interests.

My y6 DD has her induction next week and will find out her tutor group. It’ll be interesting to see how this goes with the eldest never getting the induction. There’s only about 4 from her class going to be there next week and highly unlikely they’ll be on the same tutor groups. The others (about 8) from her class going to that school are actually on their y6 residential which my DD has opted out of. Shame it clashed. She knows kids from other schools through Brownies and Guides so I’m hoping she might make a new friend on the induction. Her sister will be in another part of the school so can’t check up on her at lunch time (they aren’t allowed in that area).

She went today with just her class for a tour and assembly and brought some transition work home.

I think it's quite a normal feeling.
I remember at my induction day, which was in September, coming out with the worst migraine I'd ever had at that point and thinking that if I couldn't cope with the induction (only year 7s and prefects in, and a shortened day) I would never cope with a real day.

Actually once I started properly, I was fine.

My daughter was the only one from her primary school going to her secondary school. She had her sister 2 years above her so she at least knew her but no-one in her year.

She's year 8, going into year 9 in September and she has the best small group of friends now, more than she had in primary school and much better quality so while I understand to him it seems like the end of the world from my experience it really won't be.

My DD is the same - only one from her primary going to her secondary and she also has SEN. I joined the school year 7 FB group and suggested a get together. We’ve had a couple and a few more planned for over the summer. It has helped with giving her some familiar faces. No friendships yet but she at least knows some names and they know hers.

My son is just finishing year 7. He is high functioning autistic. Had one very good friend at primary who went to a different secondary.
Neary every other child in his class went to his school. He has nothing to do with nearly all of them now. Had made loads of new friends.
I was so anxious and we’ve had tough moments but I’m so happy with how he’s getting on now.
The pastoral team do a fantastic job and are very experienced at this.

My son is the only one from his 3 form primary going to an 8 form secondary. At the parent induction quite a few parents said their children were the only ones from their primary - then the Head of Year told me that they had 40 different feeder schools! I was quite surprised, but they were such a welcoming school and my son loved his transition day there so really hopeful for September.
We had no choice on the school, we listed them in order of distance from our house and this was the one we were offered. Appealed for our closest where all his friends are going (with some strong educational arguments) but were refused.
I hope your son isn’t upset about this over the summer and that he has a brilliant time when he starts in September.