Upset child after induction day.

[Sweetie1980]

My ds is the only one going from his primary to his new secondary school. There are kids coming from the junior school and a feeder school so there are a lot of kids that already have friends . He was in tears just now saying he will never make friends and how lots of kids already had friends . He was on his own at break time so a teacher chatted to him . I am so upset for him , have I made a mistake sending him to a school where lots of kids know each other ? I think he will now worry all summer. Any suggestions on how I can help him ? It seems quite a caring school so maybe I should email them .

Keep searching Facebook for year 7 groups for this September for the school. Hopefully there is one you can join. Then usually someone creates a what's app for each class and a kids what's app too. Maybe see if you can post something on your local Facebook noticeboard too about who is going to XYZ school in September and would like to meet etc. Good luck

I think for induction they stick with who they know. That’ll open up once they’re in classes properly so don’t worry. Also, with phones he can keep in touch with existing friends through the summer.

I knew nobody when I went to secondary school. I made some friends in the first year (as it was then) who I stayed friendly with, but I didn't meet my real tribe until second year, when they rearranged the forms and I met some girls I hadn't previously met, and through them also got to know some others in another form.

I don't know about the boys, but none of the girls stuck exclusively to their primary school gang; everyone mixed.

So my advice would be to be friendly to everyone, join in things if asked, but don't worry if it takes time to establish real and lasting friendships.

Oh, and if he sees another boy on his own at lunchtime, go up and speak to him! He might be feeling equally lost and lonely and wanting a friend.

From a different view... my daughter passed the exam for the local private girls high school but unfortunately l didn't get a bursary and being a single parent l couldn't afford the fees.
So l asked the head teacher which high school she reccomend for my daughters ability. I applied for the school and she got a place.
She was the only one from her primary school. She hated it but always played things close to her chest..she was bullied and called a swot because she came top in almost every subject.. Her mental health suffered and she began self harming..myself and the teachers only found out when there was a uniform inspection and the teacher noticed cuts.. how she never told me and hid all this..l never knew even though we were and still are so so close.. and to this day she cant understand why she never told me how unhappy she was without her primary school friends...anyhow l pulled her from the school and home educated until she got a place at a school with her friends.. she went to CAHMS( useless) but with a lot of love and support from me she flourished.

Oh, bless his heart. It's such a stressful time for them. My DS went to secondary with about 90% of his primary school class. By the end of the first half-term they'd all scattered and made new friends, whether by just drifting apart or falling out and forming new 'tribes', and now at the end of Y11 he still talks to precisely one of them! Being in music groups will help massively, but if there's any way you can contact even one or two other parents over the summer so he has a couple of familiar faces on the first day, that would be a big help. If you have contact details for his new Head of Year or form tutor, drop them an email asking if there are any other kids in a similar position and whether they could pass your details on. We had an issue with DS being put in a form with his primary school bully and away from all his friends - they were given the form details in July, so I emailed his form tutor and he was moved straight away.

High school teacher of 20 years here - we are all eyes and ears the first few weeks, looking out for any children on their own and helping them join in with like-minded children. We think carefully about seating plans to match children together (and unmatch in some cases).
Encourage him to join all the clubs he might be interested in to start with and maybe go to homework club too (usually just an afterschool space to use computers and print). The library is always a place where lovely kind children are to be found.

There will be a nice bunch doing music, you can be sure about that. It's so difficult when they don't know anyone. I signed my son up for a music tour abroad this summer with his band and assumed most of them would be going, turns out he knows no one in his tour group and I didn't have a single name to put down on the form about who he wants to share a room with. I feel absolutely sick about that and am hoping that he won't have an awful week.
In your son's case probably all those who knew each other were holding on for dear life, it will be different in September.

Is there a way he can meet up with them during summer holidays

A class wats app group set up ? Facebook group etx

Hi OP. My 3 DC's never knew anyone when they started secondary school. My DD was upset when she came out of the induction day. Of course I was worried but I knew the school is a great school. Caring etc.

She will be going into Year 11 and has the Same friends she made in Year 7. Both my DS's have made some lovely friends when they started in Year 7. They all were the only children going to this school. It is a big change for them but I am sure you DS will make some nice friends when he starts in September. Wish him lots of happiness in his new school and he settled quickly.

@Sweetie1980 the thing about induction days is most kids are terrified, they stick to who they know even if they don't actually like that child. Both my sons went to a school where they knew no one. They are now out the other side, Ds1 is 20 and at uni and still friends with people he met in year 7, their group is about 20 strong with there being mini groups in that collective. Ds2 is 17 and at sixth form with 3 of the 4 friends he made in year 7. They all chat and game together outside of sixth form/uni.

What my sons' school did was hold an extra induction morning with parents and their children. The children were taken off to play some games together and mainly to show them that they were not the only child coming in from a non-feeder school. It meant that there were familiar faces when they started as they spent the morning together.

They also had a make new friends day which was an activity trip they did about 2 weeks into starting school where they deliberately broke apart the feeder school children into different groups to give everyone the chance to make new friends.

The class usually moves as one group from class to class before they are put in sets for English and maths so I told mine to stick with who they were sat next to. Primary is tiny, usually a class of 30 kids and your child is usually actually friends with a handful of them. When they get to secondary it opens up to hundreds of children and the chance for new friendships is much easier. Reassure him, get him to join some clubs, especially lunch time ones so he has somewhere to go. Ds2 said he just walked around the playground, there was a specific area for year 7s, and someone just caught his eye and started chatting to him. That is the same group of friends he has had all the way through. Lovely all of them.

My eldest DD was one of three girls from her primary to go to the same (all girls) secondary and the other two girls ganged up and left her out. I think in the long run it helped her integrate with other, new friends more quickly.

Is the school running anything during the summer holidays. or as another poster said are there clubs being held which might include intake from that school

My daughter moved up to secondary on her own as did I and my husband. She's coming to the end of Y7 now and absolutely loves it. Had a little wobble at the beginning but has made a small, close knit group of friends and has loved having a "fresh start". Lots of reassurance and listening to worries will get u a long way.

Is he starting at a private school? I'm just asking because you mentioned he got in because of his music and doing a CAT test on the induction day. Private schools often have a buddy system and either a student from the year above or one from his year ( who is from the junior school) contacts them during the summer holiday and helps them find their feet.
My ds has an induction day at his middle school ( most of his lower school y4 were there) and he came out really upset and crying that he'd been bullied. He is ND and had speech delay. When he started he never mentioned bullying and seemed to enjoy his time there ( though me being a bad mum got the date they started in September wrong and he had to creep in at 11am!)

No, a lot of changes happen when they go to secondary school and friendship groups quickly reshuffle. I knew a few people who went up to year 7 with their absolute beasties from primary school. They started out joined at the hip, but quickly lost interest in each other and by the end of the year they all had new friends. Your son won't be the only one who doesn't know anybody and besides, friendship groups don't have to be exclusive - just because two or three people already know one another doesn't mean there won't be room for one more.

Does your son find it hard to make friends in general or is he very anxious as a rule? I would be more concerned about his reaction than anything else.

Easier said than done, I know, but try not to worry. DS was the only one from his primary who went to his secondary. He did quietly say he wished he was going to the secondary most of his friends were going to to, but after only about a fortnight he said he was glad he went to the school he did. Also non footy playing type, and he made some great friends he still keeps in touch with on social media, although they are now all at different Unis, or working, or travelling around.

On taster days kids tend to stick with who they know and have come along with from their primary school. However, when school actually starts and they are put into their forms they start to get to know each other properly and new friendships are made. On my taster day I ended up with a teacher say next to me during lunch. He must have seen I was alone and felt sorry for me. Yet, when I actually started in the September everyone was open to making new friends and I made friendships I still have today. I'm sure he'll make friends via the music interest.

The only person my eldest DD knew when she went to high school was the girl who had mercilessly bullied her since nursery.
She made friends on the first day (and the bully was permanently excluded by Christmas)
My eldest DS was also the only kid from his primary to join year 7 at this particular school, but by that time they had a "summer camp" in the 6 week holiday which was a week where the kids could go and do fun activities. It's great for making friends . Perhaps you could see if the school offer something like that.

My youngest son started at secondary school with six other boys from his primary school. By the end of the first term he was really only close with one of them (no bad feelings or anything, but all of the boys formed new friendship groups). Your DS will be fine, especially since he will easily meet ppl through music.

Why are they going to a different school from his current class mates?

I have a son who's now in year 8 going into year 9. Thanks to Covid he didn't get induction days at his secondary school and like your son he didnt know anyone before he started there. He's doing good and made friends. He'll be ok once he finds his feet

I went to secondary school with 6 other people from primary school and I would say we only really stuck together for a few days before we made other friends and went out separate ways, obviously we still spoke but had other friends we went out with

My children had extra induction days as there were anxious children.

Maybe your school does the same?

My son actively chose a different secondary school from the local one, he knew a couple of boys from football but didn’t have any close friends. He also started at the school late as he didn’t originally get a place and so we moved him when a place came up. Friendship groups change at senior school and they tend to find their “tribe”. They sit with different people in different classes and will get split from their primary school friends. Now 18 he’s got a solid group of around 8-9 friends from school, none of whom he knew before he started.

My DS was the same - his best mates were going to the local secondary school and we sent him to the grammar school 8 miles away. The induction was awful and he spent the entire summer telling me I'd ruined his life. I felt awful and I promised him if he hated it we would move him (which I would have done) but we really thought it was the right school for him. We were right thank goodness and he has thrived there despite lockdown starting in his first year. He's still mates with his primary school friends which is great. TBH I wish I'd never sent him on the induction as the fall out and stress from that for both him and me over summer 2019 were awful (and ultimately unnecessary).