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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Upset child after induction day.

111 replies

Sweetie1980 · 27/06/2023 21:28

My ds is the only one going from his primary to his new secondary school. There are kids coming from the junior school and a feeder school so there are a lot of kids that already have friends . He was in tears just now saying he will never make friends and how lots of kids already had friends . He was on his own at break time so a teacher chatted to him . I am so upset for him , have I made a mistake sending him to a school where lots of kids know each other ? I think he will now worry all summer. Any suggestions on how I can help him ? It seems quite a caring school so maybe I should email them .

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 28/06/2023 06:41

I didn't know anyone from mine. I moved in the October of year 7 to the area and all the pupils had been through the feeder primaries together and those odd few had already had 6 weeks in class.

It was fine.

In some ways I think it was easier because every had known each other for so many years they knew all about each other.

So I was new information and everyone wanted to grill me about my life Grin

Don't forget once they start they are in tutor groups and new classes and so even the closest of friends won't be together all the time and that leaves gaps.

loulouljh · 28/06/2023 06:56

I would add my daughter went with 2 other friends...all put into the same tutor. She is now going into year 11 and is not friends with them at all. They all pretty quickly went their own ways..it has been just fine. She went to a 6th form college taster day this week and suffered a little knowing no-one and standing on her own. Had some rather upset messages! But yet again when she goes I am sure she will find her way as it will be very unlikely she will share A levels with anyone she knows....They are learning life skills as hard as it is to watch as a parent.

I would not spend the Summer dwelling on it. It may be a little tough initially in September but it will pass...the teachers are also on to these things and will be keeping an eye on those their own and will help pair up if needed.

Rycbar · 28/06/2023 06:56

I knew people when I went to high school. Not many because my primary was tiny but some. They put me in a form with my ‘best friend’, she made friends with THAT girl group and I was mercilessly bullied for the next three years. Knowing people isn’t all it’s cracked up to be - he’ll make friends.

User63847484848 · 28/06/2023 07:00

Definitely email school
but generally I think kids stick with their primary friends for her first 5 minutes and then quickly new groups are formed.

IndiganDop · 28/06/2023 07:04

My DD moved to high school with almost everyone from her primary. However she was separated from her friends group in her new form.

They stuck together and DD found a new friend almost instantly, and via her a whole new group of friends. She really only still hangs out with 2 girls from primary, neither of whom were the ones I would have predicted!

historygeek · 28/06/2023 07:06

I work in a secondary school with children coming from over 60 primary schools, so lots of Y7s the only ones from their primary school.
We do additional sessions for children that don't know anyone else. It would definitely be worth emailing the school to see if something like this could be arranged.

Quitelikeacatslife · 28/06/2023 07:15

My DS didn't know anyone when moved to secondary. It will be much better once they start, y7 is all geared up for setting them in, there will be a natural rhythm for lessons etc. a couple of lunchtimes might be hard but they possibly will need to be brave and approach kids that seem like their type and seem friendly.
Once they start with music clubs it really will all slot into place and they will find their "tribe" my DS is not sporty but choirs and orchestras etc are just as bonding, they should go to every club they can , it may not be for them but the best way to make friends

HawaiiWake · 28/06/2023 07:59

It would be fine, as they join school clubs and meet new people and also music clubs mean they meet more kids from a wide age group.

MarmiteRoll · 28/06/2023 08:02

My DD started secondary knowing a handful of kids from her primary, who she wasn't really proper friends with. She missed the induction day and the summer school as she got a late place.

None of them from her primary ended up in forms together, I'm sure they deliberately spread them out. They've basically all made different friends, I think the only ones who are still real friends rather than chatting occasionally were friends outside of primary school through sports/drama/music clubs.

I was worried and it did take a little while but my DD made some nice friends and is joining more clubs as her confidence grows. When she was struggling I mentioned it to her form tutor who was incredibly helpful and did some of the social engineering others have mentioned. I definitely recommend alerting school to issues early as they are used to this and have lots of things they can do. There's a couple of wellbeing groups at our school that sprung up for struggling kids where they get them all together to do fun stuff and hopefully find their tribe.

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 28/06/2023 09:20

Thank you everyone. It’s been good to hear about your children’s experiences. My ds was still very upset this morning , he doesn’t have much of an appetite and usually has a huge breakfast . It’s really got to him.

OP posts:
TJsAunt · 28/06/2023 09:24

many years ago ds was one of only 2 oing from his primary to a massive secondary school. V scary.

but like your son he was a musician. He joined the choir and met some like minded souls. The school was also v good at mixing up the forms so there weren't huge bands of kids from the same school all together so his form group soon became quite a tight little unit.

none of this will help your ds right now - you can only reassure him about why you chose this school in the first place and what he liked about it. are there any older kids from the school who could 'babysit' if you went out for a night? always good to hear how fab a school is from someone older who you are in awe of!

hope it all works out

Shopper727 · 28/06/2023 09:28

Poor lad, really hard for him but I’m sure once he’s in his class things will be easier. Usually transition days are for getting to know the school/teachers and your class and having fun. they are measured for uniforms too.

My son is transitioning to high school too and the 3 days were planned out and letter sent home with what to expect. It’s designed for the kids to be relaxed and enjoy it and hopefully make some friends. Shame they did tests etc can’t see the point in that. My son has asd so no idea how he got on but he seemed ok about it all afterwards. Perhaps provide some feedback about what your son has felt and at least someone noticed he was alone. Hate to think of kids feeling like that at school I hope he makes friends and settles in aug/sept

Soporalt · 28/06/2023 09:30

We moved to a different city between Y6 and Y7 so DD1 knew no-one at all at home or school. She made new friends very quickly. The music element will be very helpful as music depts tend to be their own communities, with lots of extra curricular group activities to join, orchestra, choir etc. your son probably won't have seen this on the induction day.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 28/06/2023 10:19

Both my kids hated their induction days. They were also the only ones coming from their primary.

Brace yourself as yr 7 is a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs but by the end they've usually made a good group of friends.

The truth is you have to teach them to go in each day and be smiling, approachable, chatty to people asking them about themselves and you have to be honest with them, it's hard work to start.

Yr 6 kids are sold a myth that they'll meet their tribe in Yr 7. Generally they will find people like them in secondary but it doesn't happen instantly and it can be a rocky road to get there.

Reassure him that once everyone starts they are as keen as him to make new friends. But that they'll stick to old ones for the first part because that's more comfortable for them. (So would he if he had a friend with him). It's not a reflection on him but he has to keep being approachable and open. Even if he feels the total opposite. It's what we do as adults when we meet a group of new people, we are just more experienced at those moments.

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 28/06/2023 10:37

@HavfrueDenizKisi thank you , this is really good advice .

OP posts:
MarmiteRoll · 28/06/2023 10:48

Excellent advice from @HavfrueDenizKisi. I'd add something my DD was told during some transition prep sessions she did (autistic and got some generic preparation classes from the LA mental health team). It was about always keeping in mind when making friends in secondary what makes a good friend and how you would act as a friend. Then think if the people you are talking to are acting the same. If you're a bit lonely it's easy to latch on to people who are not good friends just because they talk to you. And then you end up with a toxic group. I thought that was good advice.

Caravanheaven22 · 28/06/2023 10:52

As a teacher I am sure he will make new friends in September but in order to help reassure him is there any activity - maybe music related - that he could go on over summer holidays so he can experience going to something without friends and have a positive outcome ? So he doesn't spend all summer worrying

Beamur · 28/06/2023 10:55

Yr7 is a roller coaster. Friends made, remade, it's an emotional time for the vast majority.
Almost everyone is in the same position. Be friendly and open to conversations, join clubs, be brave even when you don't feel it.
It all works out in the end.
My DD had a good transition day and then was blanked by the kid who had been her buddy on the day.

randomuser2019 · 28/06/2023 10:56

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

MargotBamborough · 28/06/2023 10:57

Hi OP.

Your son is only little so it's not quite the same thing but I was in a similar situation going into 6th form. (I also went there for the music opportunities.)

In my experience, in the first few weeks kids will probably stick with the kids they already know from primary school and then they will all start to branch out and make other friends.

I was actually thinking about my class from primary school the other night. The group of girls from our class almost all went to the same secondary school but got spread out over 7 different tutor groups. They all ended up making different friends from other primary schools and some of them are still friends now, bridesmaids at each other's weddings etc.

If your son is doing music he's even more likely to meet other kids who share his interests and make a lovely bunch of new friends that way.

It's scary but I'm sure he'll be absolutely fine.

Comefromaway · 28/06/2023 11:00

My son moved to a secondary school from an area with the middle school system. He was one of only two children in the year not to be coming from one of the two feeder primaries.

They were put into their classes on induction day which I think helped. Also he knew a 6th former and a year 10 student from his theatre group who sought him out and took him to the music department. By the first couple of weeks the music kids had all found each other and became a small but strong friendship group.

SamPoodle123 · 28/06/2023 11:17

Sweetie1980 · 27/06/2023 21:28

My ds is the only one going from his primary to his new secondary school. There are kids coming from the junior school and a feeder school so there are a lot of kids that already have friends . He was in tears just now saying he will never make friends and how lots of kids already had friends . He was on his own at break time so a teacher chatted to him . I am so upset for him , have I made a mistake sending him to a school where lots of kids know each other ? I think he will now worry all summer. Any suggestions on how I can help him ? It seems quite a caring school so maybe I should email them .

Does the school have forms? Usually, they split up kids coming from feeder schools. My dd is in same position, but we got a head start in meeting and contacting people to make friends. She also knows some faces via her sports and art (but does not know them well). Best way to make friends fast is to join a lot of clubs/sports etc. And make an effort early on.

MamaBear4ever · 28/06/2023 14:28

There were 4 from my daughters primary school and they were all split up. Only 2 in my sons year. On day 1 they both made new friends and have a great friendship group. Encourage him to sign up for clubs so he finds the people with shared interests. He will be fine

Pilosella · 28/06/2023 14:34

I suggest enrol him in summer holiday clubs where he might make friends with kids from the new school before term starts, and even if not has had a distraction from worrying about it.

lilsupersparks · 28/06/2023 14:40

For induction days, kids who know each other will stick together because they are also nervous! They were so caught up in their own nerves they likely didn’t notice him. This will be different when lessons start.

my son struggled a bit in y7 - I contacted the school and they set him up with a ‘buddy’ who met up with him at lunch for a bit. Then he bumped along with other kids in his learning group and some friends of friends. He was happy but not completely settled.

now he is nearing the end of y8 and has more friends than he has ever had! He met them through STEM club and also when he was put in sets this year. He has a lovely gang of like minded boys he hangs out with. It sounds like encouraging your son in his music will help him to meet his crew.

definitely let the school know about your worries - they could ask teachers to sit him
near certain students in class to encourage him for example. But don’t worry.

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