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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Considering independent school. Family very negative about it?

104 replies

WTDAS · 25/09/2022 09:30

Our eldest is in Y6 and so we've started looking secondary schools.

Current favourite is a local independent and for what it offers we think it'll be worth the expense. (Affordable for us with some sacrifices if DC2 ends up there too but nothing we aren't willing to make - fewer holidays, tigger budget etc)

But no one in either side of our family have ever set foot in a private school and are just full of reasons why it's the wrong decision.

Waste of money.

Nice kids will do well anywhere.

Won't learn what real life is like.

Teachers aren't qualified.

Will get bullied.

Etc etc. List goes on.

Honestly I go between being taken in by it and being more determined to send him.

Anyone had the same?

OP posts:
Sherrystrull · 25/09/2022 11:50

Labraradabrador · 25/09/2022 11:12

@Sherrystrull yes, money = choices in all aspects of life, including education. It drives choices around catchment areas, tutoring, extracurriculars, sacrificing work to provide 1:1 support, and yes, even whether to send to private (or not!). Ever has it been, ever will it be.

Happily amend my statement to: you do the best you can for your child based on the options available to you

That's better.

XelaM · 25/09/2022 11:50

As for bullying, my experience is that kids don't really care how rich the parents are. My parents are very ordinary working middle class and some of my brother's school friends are from very wealthy families, one is Royalty, but no one really cares. They are all still super close, go on holidays together and constantly meet up in various locations (some of them are abroad now). My daughter also has never been bullied for being poor, although she likes to keep up with all the trends for the right school bag/shoes/bottles etc.

Butterfly44 · 25/09/2022 12:38

I went to private school.
I thought about it for my kids but decided against as it didn't really have any advantage imo, voting to save the £££ and live more comfortably, holidays etc and to top up their state education with tutoring. I would say it's worked out well for us and they are doing great academically.
It really depends on school choices in your area.

Bestbeforetheend · 25/09/2022 12:49

@WTDAS I would only go down the private school route if you are very wealthy and a willing to live with the fact your DS may not do well.We sent our DS to one of the top schools in the country, after wasting a fortune at prep school. He failed spectacularly and we finally removed him after GCSES. The pastoral care was woeful.

They were happy to keep taking our money up to A level but we finally saw sense. Many families give large donations and their children are the special ones! The school he was so fortunate to get a place at is considered to be one of the most academic and prestigious in the world apparently. Our was a boarding school with fees of over £45,000 pa.

Our DS is now in his final year and will sit A level's in the summer.at a state school.From day one felt like he was finally in a school where he mattered. He said ( and we agree) the teachers are a difference level. His predicted grades are way beyond anything we could have hoped for.

In his previous school certain boys could act as they wished. In his current boys/ girls are expected to be decent human beings, regardless of who their parents are. It's so refreshing! I will admit it's a state school which is in high demand and I can see why.

.

wigywhoo · 25/09/2022 13:46

Perfect28 · 25/09/2022 09:47

Private schools should be abolished. Your children will always grow up thinking they are better than their state school counter parts. If you have the money either home educate or pump it in to extracurricular and holiday experiences.

No freedom of choice then?

wigywhoo · 25/09/2022 13:46

flingingmelon · 25/09/2022 09:53

We completely ignore our families when it comes to this sort of stuff. How can you advise on something you know nothing about?

Not their monkeys, not their circus

This.

LondonMum81 · 25/09/2022 14:28

It comes down to the individual schools. Some independents aren't great and some state schools are excellent. Also, it comes down to the character of your child and what they'd benefit form and how easily you can afford it.

There isn't just one right answer as others have said. Private schools do have on average an academic advantage for A-levels and school budgets and resources are being hammered by the current government.

State plus is always an option where you use state and supplement with tutors and targeted extra curricular activities as an alternative.

fiftytontheresa · 25/09/2022 15:00

Do kids have to take a test for the indie school? If so you better get tutoring. The kids around us who want to take that route started being tutored in yr5!

Hoppinggreen · 25/09/2022 17:27

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 25/09/2022 10:31

Absolutely, I agree that's the ideal. I just don't agree that it's necessary to go private to get that. My dc has had a fantastic education and a great overall school experience in the state system.

I accept that there are a few areas in the country where this genuinely isn't an option, and I don't judge anyone for deciding to go private if they think that's best. We just decided for us that it would have been a complete waste of money... and now we're nearly at the end of our school journey, I stand by that view.

Show quote history

I would have been more than happy with my Dc at State secondary, they went to a state Primary but the State Secondary just wasn’t an option as far as we were concerned

orangesunshine · 27/09/2022 22:27

Some good advice on this thread but also some ridiculously sweeping (usually anti- private) generalisations! All schools are different - do your research and send your child to the school you believe will suit them best. If the independent school is affordable to you, and the best match - then great…who cares what your family thinks?!

Truly good schools - whether state OR private - will offer excellent teaching, nurture pupils’ interests, have great pastoral care and help raise happy, well rounded people. Go with what will be best for your child and stop worrying about your family’s misguided views.

iekanda · 27/09/2022 22:32

People always fail to understand that it isn't a generalised private vs state argument.

It is you with a handful of specific choices for your child.

State schools can be great or shit. So can private. But that's irrelevant. You need to consider the specific schools that are available to your child.

You consider the schools that are available to you, private or state, and you make the best decision for your child. And anyone else can get to fuck really.

MsTSwift · 28/09/2022 07:26

The main difference as I see it is “customer care” parents seem to get a lot more info and input from the school. Also better sport. We have a great state school so these things aren’t enough to justify private but those are the advantages I see my friends getting who do go private. The end result kids are identical though anecdotally the state ones have better grades.

HappyHappyHermit · 28/09/2022 07:36

I went to private school and, unless something major changes, I won't consider sending my child to one. However, it is your choice for your child and no one else's.

alrightfella · 28/09/2022 08:00

My dc went to private schools and I have no regrets.

In MY experience
Huge choice of subjects and amazing facilities
Smaller class sizes
Rarely got any substitute teachers in secondary
Big range of extra curricular subjects and sports
The online learning was fantastic. It was run exactly like the school day with live teaching.

And for me probably the biggest positive is that all parents are interested in their kids education and supportive of the school. This goes a long way and makes a difference to the kids attitude to learning.

QueensEyot · 28/09/2022 08:07

You are the parent. Your family's views are prejudiced and ignorant. You are the one who knows your children and which school will suit them; if you think it's right for them then it's right for them.

Someone upthread made a comment about knowing someone who wears clothes with holes in them so she can buy new uniform. My DC have been right the way through the independent system and I could count on one hand the number of new items I've bought in 20 years of having children at school. IME, the only children who have brand new uniform are only children with very rich parents. The others all have hand-me-downs/things passed on by other parents with older DC/things from the second hand shop.

There are no unqualified teachers in independent schools. 30+ years ago you could get a job in an independent school if you had a PhD. You'd be laughed at now if you applied for a job as an unqualified teacher.

gogohmm · 28/09/2022 08:31

Private schools can be great but not all, especially the smaller cheaper ones - look beyond the nicer decor and flashy brochures. One particular thing to check is how many kids leave before GCSEs - some schools are notorious for offloading anyone not expected to get good GCSEs.

They are right to a point but private schools can be amazing too. My dd went to private 6th form and it was so different to her state school, so much better, and her original school was the best in the county to start with.

Another consideration is being the kids from the family who can only just afford it, it's not easy - dd didn't get to go on the trip to Mexico or skiing in Canada, she knew why at 16 but at 11 it's tougher

Dannexe · 28/09/2022 08:37

Perfect28 · 25/09/2022 09:54

Imagine how good state schools could be if every parent who could afford to paid some thing to support them

Yeah we do already, its called tax

LondonMum81 · 28/09/2022 09:52

@gogohmm what was the difference between her state secondary school and her private school?

My kids are in the private system and you always wonder about the path no taken so I'd be interested to know what you saw as the differences given you had access to a good state school as well.

XelaM · 28/09/2022 10:28

@LondonMum81 I know your question wasn't for me, but a number of kids from my daughter's primary went to some of the famous state schools in North London and one is at Holland Park, so I can only tell about the state schools where I know current parents.

Very happy parents at:

DAO
Latymer
QE Boys

The only difference to private schools is the size of classes and that everything is free. Although I know two parents at Latymer whose kids didn't get the desired grades at GCSEs and A-levels but I guess that could have happened everywhere.

Other state schools:

Ashmole Academy - very good academically but my daughter's friends had some issues with bullying and there are groups of kids that aren't very nice.

QE Girls - very strict from what I hear and my daughter's friend doesn't like it there.

Holland Park - last year was total chaos with constant disruptions and some awful behaviour as well as shouty strict teachers, so the mum I know wasn't happy with the school. However, her daughter loves it and is super happy there. I also hear this year things have calmed down and they have cracked down on any bad behaviour. My daughter's friend is very happy at the school, but she's a very popular outgoing girl anyway, so I don't know if she would have been happy at any school or if Holland Park is that good.

The main difference is the size of some of those schools which are huge.

nomoreflyingfucks · 28/09/2022 10:57

Op, why don't you start your Dc at your local state secondary and if it doesn't work out then move to private?

MsTSwift · 28/09/2022 11:04

It’s impossible to say which is “better” as it’s so school and child dependent and also what is important to you. A neighbour who teaches at our local top private school admits there are forms she teaches she wouldn’t want her own child in. The state school that is abit shabby (not the one mine go to) has got the top results this year. If you are very sporty private would be good. There’s a lot in the mix - what isn’t on is criticising another adults choices!

Hoppinggreen · 28/09/2022 11:21

nomoreflyingfucks · 28/09/2022 10:57

Op, why don't you start your Dc at your local state secondary and if it doesn't work out then move to private?

Why?

Stripyhoglets1 · 28/09/2022 11:41

We all want the very best for our children and for mine that was state school but even if it had been privateschool we couldn't afford it - instill aNt the best for them. I don't like the idea that people think they are better parents for paying for something. Or they want more for their children than those of us who don't or can't send them.
If its best for your child then send them.
But I'd only do so if I could easily afford it and the likely cost of living rises. And send both children all the way through secondary school.

LizCrust · 28/09/2022 13:30

Sounds like a no brainer to me. Just do it.

Karamna · 29/09/2022 00:17

Go for it. Ignore them. Many state schools are in dire straits right now simply because of a lack of funding. ( not because of any lack of dedication by teachers and staff) Much worse than when we were at school.

An independent school will be a better experience because the classes will be smaller, facilities better, teachers less overworked and more support staff available etc. Don't doubt yourself.