Opportunity to send DD to prestigious private school. Should I?

[Llamapalma]

Just that really please.

DD (Y6) has the opportunity to attend a very well regarded, high achieving private girls school a few miles from us.

It's not something. We could have imagined would be possible. No one in our family has ever attended a private school, but she's very bright and it's quite an academic school and I do think it could benefit her in many ways.

I'm torn what to do.

It really feels like turning the chance down could be like I'm limiting her future prospects.

But would accepting the place cause other potential issues?

I guess I'm suffering imposter syndrome on her behalf. Worrying she'll be picked on (although doesn't seem that kind of place) as we just live in a normal house with normal cars etc.

I guess it's the standard parental worry of needing to make these big decisions and worrying I'll mess her life up somehow.

For the record she is in LOVE with the school. And I've been open with her that there are a lot of girls there who have very different lives to her. At 11 she is adamant that's fine and she gets it but at 14 it could feel very different I know.

Some of the DC care very much! If you don’t know about top boarding schools, you cannot make generalisations. Of course DC who go shooting and play polo are looking for friends that do the same. It’s how you make friends. Parents know each other. However there are DC with less wealth on bursaries. So clearly these DC won’t be playing polo! There’s always a middle ground. I know CLC has a variety of parents. Even Harrow! So DC can fit in but some DC won’t be best buddies. There is a pecking order. It starts with House.

A more extreme example than yours as you can afford £7k a year, but my friend is an assistant head at a deprived school in a deprived area. Every year 1 or 2 of their pupils get to go to a prestigious school's sixth form on a full scholarship. We are talking Eton and others I've never heard of but which have 18 hole golf courses in their grounds.

My friend talks in very positive terms about this and the opportunities. The children have been made very welcome at their schools and have enjoyed it. And it really is one extreme to the other. I was worried they may have been viewed as a bit of a curiosity but apparently not.

Well done to your DD!

I think the pp who referred to it meant there are some schools where it is much more likely that everyone IS super rich, eg Eton (boys)

But they’re not! That particular school has a huge and well established bursary policy which means at least 20% of the pupils receive some sort of bursary. The whole ethos of the school is based on the intention to include a diversity of experience. Here:

www.etoncollege.com/admissions/financial-aid/

(Generally I’d add something about how much more likely large bursaries are at the biggest wealthiest boarding schools than at local independent day schools …)

I would definitely grab the opportunity, especially since your DD already likes the school and has expressed a wish to attend. I went to a private girls' school and there were children from a wide range of families. Sure we knew who the wealthy scions were but it was never really an issue.

Accept it! You can always move her out if you found you needed to

My dc are at independent school and most of the parents are working professionals and but there are a few very rich families. There are also a few kids on scholarships from less well off families. I don’t think this causes any real difficulties - esp I was at a comprehensive in the 90s and coming from a middle class professional family the gap in terms of money/lifestyle choices/attitudes to some from different backgrounds was huge anyway. So it is present almost everywhere.
I would definitely send your dd if she wants to go.

Most professionals cannot afford Eton fees or equivalent for two children. This is a different world from standard independent schools. Even at 20% of DC receiving bursaries, and there are some big ones at Harrow too, the vast majority have money. Lots of it. The idea that average professionals can afford Eton isn’t really true if they pay full fees. Day GDST is very different for example.

Perhaps I’m pedantic but to me

everyone IS super rich

is a very different statement to

the vast majority have money

And from my personal knowledge of the school in question, while there certainly is a tribe of super-rich oligarchs who actually attend the auctions and other exclusive school events, it’s likely that any not super-rich boy there will have many, many friends whose working parents are buoyed by grandparent help, trusts, London house-prices, inheritance and careful planning. Perfectly true that not many people can afford c£50k fees solely out of earned income!

Intriguing thread.

No offer of a place let alone a scholarship or bursary has been received - this is all conjecture.

OP maybe wait until she gets the offer until you start your deliberations?

Well yes - but every MN thread is potentially relevant to countless people other than the OP!

I would send her. There will be a mix of people there. It is an incredible opportunity.

@MuddlerInLaw
I didn’t say everyone is super rich in any post.

There are also big differences in bursary children. Some parents have seen it as their life long ambition to get a bursary place. These days you need to be very bright and sometimes offer music or sport at a high level too. Bursaries are a competitive business and the schools want venue for money.

I was quoting the post I responded to!

But anyway …

What about all her friends she's leaving behind? Can she socialise outside of school hours in her new school ect?

I too am battling this. I want my child to go to his local school which is outstanding and walking distance where all his friends are going but his dad wants him to go private school about 30 mins away which I just don't see how it would work...

Surly kids will learn if they want to learn?

I went to a school like this on a scholarship. It was brilliant and I loved it. Nobody ever treated me as less, just because we weren't rich.

@cosmicbabe

Of course it works! Loads of DC do it. New friends. New experiences. You just get a different life away from primary friends but with new friends. My DDs both moved to private secondary schools on their own. Now they are older, it’s their secondary school friends they are close to. Not primary ones. I’d go with the best school, not the local one if there’s no comparison. Even the ones who stayed local changed friends. Nothing stays forever.

If for some reason the bursary / scholarship were stopped would you have to take her out?

Her best friend is at a different school anyway.

But her current school friends she sees for Brownies and dance. And to be honest isn't mega close to any of them.

I didn't personally stay in touch with any primary school friends anyway.

Also - she's begging to go to this particular school. If she didn't want to go then I wouldn't be considering it for her.

You'd be MAD not to let her take up the opportunity should it arise!!

SHE wants to go, why stop her??

SHE might not truly understand the differences in the finances of some of the other parents, but not all the parents will be 'well off' (other scholarships/grants/grandparents paying/parents scrimping to pay for it) & some will, but only a very few of those will be snotty about it, most just really do not care. You (as parents) might not be included in the parents 'supper circle' but frankly I'd take that as a win!

if she decides she hates it, you can always move her to a state school, but I'm sure she'll love it!

Sounds like an amazing opportunity, let her go! There's plenty of time to find out about 'real life' after school, it's not limited to the years between 11-18. Her 'real life' might be quite different after such an exclusive/privileged education than your friends and family imagine. If she ends up unhappy there you can always move her.

This is what DH and I have spent the weekend looking at.

As although it's a slim chance we could end up needing to pay the full fees it's not a total impossibility and I of course wouldn't want her to start at the school and not finish.

As far as we can plan for currently it would be just about feasible. Not ideal. But feasible.

But within the next 1-2 years our incomes will both be higher and our mortgage lower. If that happens then it would be a lot easier to pay full fees if needed.

Thanks everyone.

Having outside advice has helped a LOT.

We've done a lot of talking as a family and DH and I. And my mum as well.

And all in agreement that turning this opportunity down would be foolish.

I might be biased but my DD is amazing and if anyone deserves the chance to attend such an amazing school then it's her. I don't want to look back and think I denied her the chance due to what ifs and imposter syndrome.

I went to a posh private school and hated it. The other girls were mostly snobs and looked down on me for having less money than them. I ended up with straight As and a place at Cambridge but no friends.

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. Probably send her because that's what she wants but make sure she is getting on well socially. Girls can be brutal.

@IdisagreeMrHochhauser
Due to the need for schools to retain charitable status, they offer far more bursary places now. So one person won’t stand out as different. The very rich might not be your friends because everyone needs something in common. However the pool is big enough to find some friends who are like you and your family. There is no need to stay in your “box” either. DC should be able to stretch themselves and aspire to something more. Parents should facilitate that if they can. If the DD here gets the chance, take it. In fact take every opportunity that comes up.

That's everything that's wrong with this country though isn't it? It isn't about staying in 'boxes' it's about being put in boxes by people who can buy their way to better opportunities than other people. People who can't readily buy their way in to privilege often have far more aspiration than those that consider themselves entitled to it and don't need to try so hard.

Considering I was the first in my family to go to university I did ok getting to Cambridge. I think I'd want my children to have lots of friends and not be crying themselves to sleep in preference to getting out of their 'box'.