Opportunity to send DD to prestigious private school. Should I?

[Llamapalma]

Just that really please.

DD (Y6) has the opportunity to attend a very well regarded, high achieving private girls school a few miles from us.

It's not something. We could have imagined would be possible. No one in our family has ever attended a private school, but she's very bright and it's quite an academic school and I do think it could benefit her in many ways.

I'm torn what to do.

It really feels like turning the chance down could be like I'm limiting her future prospects.

But would accepting the place cause other potential issues?

I guess I'm suffering imposter syndrome on her behalf. Worrying she'll be picked on (although doesn't seem that kind of place) as we just live in a normal house with normal cars etc.

I guess it's the standard parental worry of needing to make these big decisions and worrying I'll mess her life up somehow.

For the record she is in LOVE with the school. And I've been open with her that there are a lot of girls there who have very different lives to her. At 11 she is adamant that's fine and she gets it but at 14 it could feel very different I know.

As if there’s not bullying self harm and eating disorders at state schools - they are everywhere, as is unhappiness unfortunately.

OP if she’s set her heart on it I wouldn’t stand in her way if it’s feasible financially.

I went to a ‘prestigious’ independent and it was nothing like posters portray those type of schools to be, without necessarily having any experience of them. There was a wide mix of wealth and different cultures. I was also friends with people outside school of all backgrounds.

Celebrate her success, rejoice, and bloody enjoy her achievement. Don't overthink it, organic all the way. She will no doubt thrive. Good luck.

OP, ignore anyone who says your DD will be a misfit, have less money than her classmates, etc, etc, etc. You'll find that most people are very 'normal' and don't have huge houses or fancy cars. This is particularly the case IME at schools which take the academic side of things seriously (some are less academically inclined; those - again IME - tend to have more pupils of the 'rich but dim' variety). You'd be mad not to let your DD go, if the opportunity is there for her. She sounds like a girl who'd also add a lot to the school as well as getting a lot out of it.

It's her choice. If you don't let her go, she may resent you forever. If she doesb't like it, you can always move her schools at this point and she won't resent you because at least she tried it.

OP i work at a prestigious girls school and I can promise you she will fit in fine. There really are all sorts of girls there from lots of different economic backgrounds. I don't work at CLC which is mentioned above but my school is in the same ball park.

My DC also attend a different private school so I see it from both sides.

I have never come across a snotty parent in many years of being in private schools and the children don't get snotty as the school wouldn't allow it.

She absolutely should go for the opportunity.

I can’t believe anyone would think to create this thread. Poverty of aspiration in action. It’s unbelievably sad.

Try it and see how she gets on. I was awarded a scholarship for a private school and it was a bit of a disaster to be honest (socially). They sniffed out the poverty in me fairly quickly and tbh I hated pretty much everyone there 😂. I didn’t make friends and I made sure I kept my friends on the council estate where I came from.

Mid 30s now with a great career and my friends are the same friends I grew up with. I had children way before my peers but career wise I’ve exceeded many of them. For me back then it was a strange world to suddenly be catapulted in.

I'd go for it, so many more opportunities. X

I would say yes she should go without hesitation but Chopc makes a very valid point about social activities and my OH would certainly endorse this. He went to a very prestigious boys school on a scholarship but had to miss out on lots of extra curricular activities, trips abroad etc and even feign illness on occasion when the rugby first team played away because his parents couldn't afford the additional cost. He certainly wasn't friendless but says he always felt like the poor relation and that he never really belonged.

We do a lot of parental fundraising for kids on bursaries to go on overseas sports trips etc (on an anonymous basis).

My parents couldn’t afford ski trips or trips to the US etc, didn’t bother me in the slightest. I never felt I didn’t belong.

I went to private school on scholarship and loved it, I was from a significantly lower economic background to my peers, my mum explained I wouldn’t have the toys then later designer labels my friends would have. It didn’t bother me at all. My mother had us doing volunteer work for those less fortunate than us, so I was always aware even though we weren’t rich, I was still privileged compared to many, so I never felt hard done by that I couldn’t keep up with my peers financially.

I live very near to a private school and most of the cars are normal cars - Volvos, Audis, VWs, etc. we didn't send our children there because we couldn't justify not sending them to our lovely village school, but if it's the best school for your children then just do it!

I'm sorry. I can't figure out which side of this you're finding sad?

If you're insinuating that I think a non-fee school would limit her education.

Or if you're sad that by questioning sending her to private school I'm limiting her?

My husband and I both went to state schools and got A-levels and degrees. The same with other DC and other adults in the family.

But now we're faced with potentially taking a path we wouldn't have ever considered and I'm trying to get as much information as I can to make a decision for my child that will ENABLE her the best. Not limit her.

It would be really selfish not to give her that chance. I would not hesitate for a second.

I was the child in your DD’s position. I’m
so glad my parents gave me the opportunity, it opened my eyes and gave me confidence, if not stellar exam results (I rebelled against the ridiculous regime).

@youarntaguest well I don't make her go and watch her friends eat. She gets pocket money every month and in addition a reasonable amount of spending money when she goes out. However if she wants to eat out 3/4 times a week - well I don't think it's appropriate. She could say she can't come but doesn't want to "miss the gossip". She knows I am not being unreasonable and she realises that she is is so I don't think this will be thrown back in my face when she is older and if it is, I can live with it. What would you do in this situation?

I am very old so this is many years ago but, when I was 11, I sat the 11+ and was offered a scholarship to a nearby well-known independent school. My parents turned it down as my mother was convinced I would outgrow my family and look down on them (mother and her sisters all had real inferiority issues). In those days there were grammar schools and I went to one of those instead although I wasn't happy at school, then on to a redbrick uni, got a professional qualification and had a reasonable career.
A classmate took the private school offer, she had a far more happy and positive school experience, went to Cambridge Uni and has had an amazing career.
In our 60s I am almost comfortably off but still working, have DCs and all happy. Friend is very wealthy, houses in UK and Med, amazing career but no family, retired some years ago.
My mother maintains that she made the right decision and claims friend's parents lost out because friend moved into more monied circles and they felt they couldn't fit in. I really don't know, I am happy with my current life but hated school and feel my parents made their decision for them rather than for me and will always wonder if I missed out so think you should make the decision based on what you think would be best for your daughter, rather than for yourselves.
Good luck

If she has step siblings then she must have a step parent and that would concern me slightly in the commitment of it all. Is the step parent being relied upon financially at all for this? (My own experience isn't great in this area). If you and her dad can afford this without their help then go for it!

A bursary can be reassessed if the fee paying parent ducks out and leaves. Hopefully won’t happen. Don’t plan education on a “what if”. There’s too many of them!

When you say prestigious, how do you define that? Look for a list of "top twenty uk public schools" if you want to know more re CLC and the like.

I think the pp who referred to it meant there are some schools where it is much more likely that everyone IS super rich, eg Eton (boys) and Cheltenham Ladies' College.

@loveireland DH and I are her parents.

Im her step siblings' step parent.

(DHs children from a relationship before we met)

Oh my misunderstanding, I thought you meant step siblings but sounds like half siblings.

Sorry yes. Too early/late for me to be online. X

Yes exactly!
The demographic definitely isn’t the same across all private schools! My dc aren’t out of place at their school, but might feel a bit odd at CLC, Benenden, Marlborough college, Harrow.. those type of schools. (Tbh though I doubt it’s one of those schools as often you basically have to go on the list many years prior.) As above, if you want to get a better picture look at the top 20 public schools. Those with a majority boarding as well will likely have a wealthier demographic.
either way, even if your DC does feel like most people are more wealthy, who cares? They are probably are! The kids themselves won’t care. And it’s worth it for the opportunities and education.