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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Opportunity to send DD to prestigious private school. Should I?

128 replies

Llamapalma · 18/09/2022 19:15

Just that really please.

DD (Y6) has the opportunity to attend a very well regarded, high achieving private girls school a few miles from us.

It's not something. We could have imagined would be possible. No one in our family has ever attended a private school, but she's very bright and it's quite an academic school and I do think it could benefit her in many ways.

I'm torn what to do.

It really feels like turning the chance down could be like I'm limiting her future prospects.

But would accepting the place cause other potential issues?

I guess I'm suffering imposter syndrome on her behalf. Worrying she'll be picked on (although doesn't seem that kind of place) as we just live in a normal house with normal cars etc.

I guess it's the standard parental worry of needing to make these big decisions and worrying I'll mess her life up somehow.

For the record she is in LOVE with the school. And I've been open with her that there are a lot of girls there who have very different lives to her. At 11 she is adamant that's fine and she gets it but at 14 it could feel very different I know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Llamapalma · 18/09/2022 20:26

Sorry - to answer questions that have been asked.

Yes to siblings but they are step and much older - one already at University and one in college.

They're proud big siblings and won't feel too put out I hope.

Scholarship is for the duration of her time there as long as she gets what they're saying she will. Bursary amount will be assessed annually but then if we qualify for less of the bursary it would be because we're better off so should even out.

One of the other reasons I'm not joining in with the excitement too much is to protect her just in case it doesn't happen but I do think it's pretty likely she'll get the place.

OP posts:

cansu · 18/09/2022 20:28

The results will be high. They only have children from higher income families who invest time and money in their kids education. The facilities will be lovely. They have to be. The parents are paying a lot of money. I am not saying this to upset you. I think that if you have the cash it will be a lovely experience for your dd. I am also saying that the glitz and feel is an important part of the draw.

TizerorFizz · 18/09/2022 20:28

@Llamapalma
I think you need to evaluate the extras this school gives. We paid for DDs to board. We didn’t have to as DD1 got a grammar school place. I’m very savvy about schools and I’m certainly not saying you are falling for glitz! We are not all that stupid and your relatives are falling into the trap of knowing nothing!

What you should be falling for is opportunity. For your DD to have experiences she won’t get in the state system. If it’s identical, why pay? It’s not about buildings at all! For us it was about fantastic drama and music. Meeting girls like her. Having ambition for herself.

She won’t be the only bursary child. However most parents will be paying snd they have £20,000 plus available if it’s a day school. Or even a lot more. They are simply not average parents. I saw no scrimping! However no one is judging you. Hold your head up. Parents and pupils will be decent folk. You, being the same, will be fine and so will DD.

Original poster

Llamapalma · 18/09/2022 20:29

zippideedoodaa · 18/09/2022 20:17

OP- has your DD actually been offered a place yet? Presumably she still has to do the 11plus and pass the exam to get a bursary? Please don't get to excited just in case it doesn't all work out.

She will fly the 11+ if her teachers and practice papers are to be believed and the school doesn't offer places on the 11+ outcomes alone as lots of other scholarships and things the consider (sport/art/music etc)

OP posts:

PotatoHammock · 18/09/2022 20:29

Depending on the exact school and how over subscribed (or otherwise) it is, you might find out there are loads of kids with some sort of scholarship (probably not as much as your daughter is being offered though).

Ive always been in the independent sector- I went to private school, and I've only ever taught at private schools. Fair enough, I've never taught at Eton or Benenden, but the vast majority of kids I've known at private schools have been from fairly normal, middle class, professional backgrounds, not landed gentry. And probably a significant chunk will be staff kids who have a 50-65% discount (and whose parents almost certainly earn less than you! I can't afford to send my kids to the school I work in 😔)

MaryVee · 18/09/2022 20:30

Do it! If she loves it and you can afford it.

EmmaC78 · 18/09/2022 20:31

I would also jump at the chance. Sounds like a great opportunity for her.

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/09/2022 20:32

Of course she should go!

It’s not just the academic education it’s the facilities, extra opportunities and the dose of confidence she’ll get.

There will be people there with more money than you, but there will be lots there with the same money as you because they are spending the extra on school fees/or the GPS are covering it. At local private schools a lot of people beg borrow and save to cover it. That’s true of big public schools too, but obviously the balance is different.

Honestly don’t worry about it - just crack on.

JaggySplinter · 18/09/2022 20:33

Only you will really be able to judge. I was on a scholarship at an independent school, and I had a truly horrible time there. I begged to leave almost every term, but my parents kept me there for the educational opportunities. I was utterly miserable and very different from the other girls there. I did get very good exam results though, and got to a great uni

However, even though I could afford it I would never send my DC private. I know too many people who were bullied, self harmed, had eating disorders etc and were very, very unhappy children at my school and other local independents. The environment doesn't suit everyone.

My DC are now in state secondaries and the schools seem more balanced and much less laser focused on image and reputation.

There are good and bad schools in both the state and private sector.

GeorgeorRuth · 18/09/2022 20:34

In my experience, a state school in a 'good' area is far more 'exclusive' than many independent schools. The snobbery at our state junior school was cringy. There was 11+ in our area, as a result some parents were horrendous. My DD was blatantly ignored by some mummys even with their DC asking for her to go to play, until it became known she was going to a independent, invitations came thick and fast! Fortunately, she was a clued up and perceptive kid and decided against those playdates herself. Good luck to your child OP! Don't ever let anyone ever make you feel like your child isn't going to fit in, she will.

surreygirl1987 · 18/09/2022 20:34

When you say 'prestigious' private school, how prestigious are you talking? The likes of Cheltenham Ladies College, Haberdashers and Wycombe Abbey? Or just a standard private school? If the latter, I doubt she will stand out in the slightest I work in private schools and although the kids there are obviously from more affluent families than average for the population, the kids really are mostly from normal middle class families

If her fees are going to be £7k then judging by the costs of many private schools is that a 66% bursary? If so I'd definitely go for it. I get a 50% bursary in my school for teaching in it and I'd like my children to go there if they get in. I see firsthand the differences between the educational experience for the kids there in comparison to my own. I wish I'd had an opportunity like that - the kids in these schools don't know how lucky they are. Honesty, I expect she'll fit right in - once there in uniform you really can't tell who's rich or not to be honest - they're just kids, there to learn.

surreygirl1987 · 18/09/2022 20:39

One of the other reasons I'm not joining in with the excitement too much is to protect her just in case it doesn't happen but I do think it's pretty likely she'll get the place

Oh hang on - she hasnt actually been offered this yet?! I hadn't realised that. In that case, definitely calm down, and don't get your daughter too excited about it. I don't want to bring you down as you sound excited, but scholarships and bursaries are extremely hard fought over, and at all the schools I've worked at there are many outstanding children who could be offered them but only a small few are.
Why not see if she gets it first?

fucap · 18/09/2022 20:40

She might not get the scholarship or has the school already promised that she will as long as she passes the academic entrance exam?
Just be a bit wary of getting her hopes up.

The other thing to consider is whether you really can afford the amount you will need to pay, for the next seven years. It's not great if she starts and in a couple of years you can't pay your contribution.
And make sure what the school promises, scholarship and bursary really is for the entire time she is there and also what conditions are attached. Certain exam results, achieving a certain level in sport/music etc.

PotatoHammock · 18/09/2022 20:42

Fwiw I agree that the haberdasher's schools are very prestigious, but that's because they are incredibly selective academically. There is an enormous social mix (within the girls' school especially) with kids being bussed in from Harpenden and also from Wembley.

Whinge · 18/09/2022 20:43

One of the other reasons I'm not joining in with the excitement too much is to protect her just in case it doesn't happen but I do think it's pretty likely she'll get the place

Have you been given confirmation of the scholarship amount? She may get a place, but the amount payable could be vastly different from what you're expecting.

Throughabushbackwards · 18/09/2022 20:43

I work in a prestigious independent school and can tell you that we have all sorts of families and children in the school. If she wants to go and likes the school I wouldn't hesitate.

Riverlee · 18/09/2022 20:46

Do the fees increase as she goes through the school? Can you afford the extras?

chopc · 18/09/2022 20:46

You do get people from all walks of life and these differences won't matter in school. Your DD's academic achievements or musical or sporting talent will be very appreciated and she will thrive

However when it comes to social things, can she afford to do similar activities to her friends? I think this is where the differences will become apparent.

We are well off. However my DD I don't give my DD money to eat out several times a week like her friends seem to - simply because I think it's ridiculous to expect to (she is 14). However the reason I am comfortable with her sitting and watching her friends eat whilst she goes without is because I know I can afford it - I just don't want to.

BanjoVio · 18/09/2022 20:48

I attended a private school and lived in a normal house with parents who had normal cars and normal jobs. Others of my friends were the same and the families at the private school I now teach at are the same. It’ll be fine. Kids don’t see those kinds of differences to anywhere near the same extent that we do. Sending her there will be life changing.

ChicosGirl · 18/09/2022 20:54

Hiya OP
I was in the position last year. My child got a scholarship and bursary. It was actually quite unexpected. They sat the tests after doing other 11+ examinations.

Obv we are only a few weeks into Yr7 but it has been great for them so far. It is a culture shock, the work is v challenging but they've thrown themselves into school life, have made friends and are loving all the activities and clubs.

youarntaguest · 18/09/2022 20:55

She not going to loose touch with the real world because her family arnt rich. More likely the rich kids are out of touch though ! Be careful not to get too excited as she's not offered a place yet she could be very disappointed. I hope she gets In and loves it !

PreColumbian · 18/09/2022 20:56

There are quite a few extra expenses with private schools - just bear in mind.

TizerorFizz · 18/09/2022 20:57

The only reasons schools have a mix of parents is the bursary funds they offer. Our old school has day fees starting at £21,000 pa in y7/8. Y9 upwards it’s £27,000 pa. Two children at schools like this isn’t going to give a mix of fee paying parents. Obviously boarding is more. Most schools within striking distance of London are like this. I don’t recognise the ordinary middle class people with nearly £60,000 pa free for two DC at day school. They are well off. However the school should offer a great deal. Inspiring opportunities, speakers and career support. It can be invaluable.

youarntaguest · 18/09/2022 21:02

chopc · 18/09/2022 20:46

You do get people from all walks of life and these differences won't matter in school. Your DD's academic achievements or musical or sporting talent will be very appreciated and she will thrive

However when it comes to social things, can she afford to do similar activities to her friends? I think this is where the differences will become apparent.

How does you daughter feel about watching her friends eat ? That is weird and really mean I feel sorry for her and be careful she doesn't throw this back in your face when she's older.

Anononthistopic · 18/09/2022 21:08

Interesting. When my son went to the local independent boarding/day school in the 90s, scholarships were mostly worth 25%, 33% and an occasional 50% of the fees.
There were art and sports scholarships as well as academic ones.

Now scholarships are 5% or 10% , but there are a lot more bursaries which can be worth up to 100% of the fees. The Good Schools Guide says about a third of pupils in UK independent schools now are on some sort of bursary or scholarship.

I would say yes, OP, if you are convinced that the school is a good one. There’s a lot of variation in private schools, as there is in state ones.

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