Opportunity to send DD to prestigious private school. Should I?

[Llamapalma]

Just that really please.

DD (Y6) has the opportunity to attend a very well regarded, high achieving private girls school a few miles from us.

It's not something. We could have imagined would be possible. No one in our family has ever attended a private school, but she's very bright and it's quite an academic school and I do think it could benefit her in many ways.

I'm torn what to do.

It really feels like turning the chance down could be like I'm limiting her future prospects.

But would accepting the place cause other potential issues?

I guess I'm suffering imposter syndrome on her behalf. Worrying she'll be picked on (although doesn't seem that kind of place) as we just live in a normal house with normal cars etc.

I guess it's the standard parental worry of needing to make these big decisions and worrying I'll mess her life up somehow.

For the record she is in LOVE with the school. And I've been open with her that there are a lot of girls there who have very different lives to her. At 11 she is adamant that's fine and she gets it but at 14 it could feel very different I know.

I got a 100% scholarship to a private school at 11. Lived in a housing association house with family on benefits. My mum had real concerns about how I'd fit in. I absolutely loved it and immediately made some lovely friends who invited me over to their houses which had indoor swimming pools etc.

After a few months, my mum realised she couldn't afford the bus fare to get me there and was too proud to ask the school for help. So I left the school. She often tells me that it was her one biggest regret that she didn't do more to keep me at the school, seeing the difference in my education and opportunities.

So if you can do it and your DD wants to, absolutely go for it. Save yourself having regrets later.

There will probably be more of a cross section of families then than you realise.

A friend of mine sends her children to our local private school. They're not particularly wealthy and have a very normal life. Her DH has a professional job but they ended up at private after a bullying incident at another school and they worry about money like most people.

My nieces went to a prestigious private school - they're a very normal family and down to earth but they just prioritised private education.

I don't know anyone who's been to private school who's come out the other end as a snob or out of touch with the real world. That includes a uni friend of mine who went to Eton and was absolutely lovely.

If your daughter loves the school, it would suit her and the fees are guaranteed to be paid then why wouldn't you? There may be some extra curricula stuff/school trips you can't afford but that might be the case at a state school. My state educated kids have never been on any overseas trips with their schools because we couldn't afford them and it wasn't a problem.

My dd went to a small independent. We had no money at all (the first year was on an 'Assisted Place' - those were the days) and it was hard affording the uniform and incidental expenses. Her first blazer was £67 (today the equivalent would be £96). Jumpers were £37 and skirts £34. But they were good quality, washed well, lasted until they were outgrown. A couple of weeks into the first term they went on a day out in 'own clothes' so we had to buy a new outfit that we really couldn't afford. At the end of seven years, it was still hard to afford - I remember saying I'd take my last payment of fees to the Bursar in small change so he could feel my pain.

Her classmates included people on benefit as well as one girl whose mum had £8000 a month housekeeping money (in the 1990s).

If your dd wants to go to the independent, let her. My dd had many opportunities in her school that she wouldn't have had in a state school (I taught, I know comprehensives). My dgd now attends a much more upmarket independent, so her parents obviously think it's a worthwhile thing to do.

I hope your dd has a wonderful time at school.

I have never heard of any kids being picked on at the private schools we've attended for being on bursaries or less well off.

Secondary school isn't as small and cliquey as prep school can be, and my son (who's just left) wouldn't have been able to tell you who was on bursaries. Nor did they care. There's a mix of wealth in any case, and the kids don't pick their friends based on their socio-economic level.

Sounds like a fab opportunity. If you can, perhaps try and contact the school to try and arrange a visit/tour to go and see it in person.

Thanks.

She's already spent a few days there (doing the activity which has lead to the opportunity) and from the first visit for the first event said "I want to go to that school!" And we just laughed it off as it was so far from being possible at that point a couple of years back.

It was only after a couple of years of visiting every 6 months that we actually looked at the website and saw their opportunities and realised she could have a chance of attending and so then did an open day in the spring and it's sort of spiralled from there.

The more we visit the more she loves it.

From the timing and your post, she hasn’t yet got the opportunity but can apply for it - so don’t worry now about something but that may not happen. But I hope it does, and if so you seize the chance.

One anecdote: one of my DC was at a very prestigious private school. Made good friends with a pupil on a full scholarship. They both went to Oxbridge together and now share a flat. I promise you they never think about the difference in their backgrounds or home life - just that the other person is great. Decent kids will be the same with your DC.

I came from a normal family but went to a fancy private school with billionaire's kids, etc. it was a mix of wealth levels but an amazing school. It exposes me to a whole new world and I made great connections. My parents kept me grounded and I still live a normal life but I think my world is much bigger than if I'd stayed at state school.

If she loves it then take the chance - if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason she can cha he schools. But she will probably thrive and relish it.

The more we visit the more she loves it.

Amazing!! Good for her!

I think it’s a bit of a myth that private schools are full of super rich children who live in mansions and play polo! Lots and lots of people sacrifice ALOT to get their child the best ever education, opportunities and start in life. At our school, loads live in normal houses with standard family cars. Loads buy second hand uniform. The girls are in H and M clothes as standard for parties. Your daughter won’t feel in the slightest out of place,unless this is Cheltenham Ladies College!

My dd changed from state to private school. She’s in year 10. The children don’t differentiate between those, on full scholarships and those, whose parents pay. They are very matter of fact about it. Some of the parents are very wealthy. Others live in much more moderate circumstances. Dd has a bit of green eye at the kids, who seem to have everything. But there again, she is seen as having an enviable lifestyle by her friends from state school. It’s all relative.

If she loves it then I’d 100% let her go!

You can always pull her out if there are any issues.

I would worry about bullying as there was a thread not long ago about a parent pulling up in her old banger of a car and in her Asda clothing whilst all of the other parents had flash cars and designer clothing.

But you get just as much, if not more bullying in normal schools anyway.

So I wouldn’t let that stop me, I’d just be aware of it and try and reduce the chances of standing out so much.

I got a 100% scholarship to a Private school and had loads of friends and never felt different to everyone else.
DD had a 25% scholarship and again was fine - in fact having one was quite prestigious

I think you have fallen for the look and the feel of a business which relies on their marketing to get people to part with their cash. It is unsurprising that you and your dd have been impressed. I have been to a few of these places and their grounds and facilities are always lovely. If you can afford it then fine but I wouldn't deprive myself of things to pay for this with the mistaken belief that she wouldn't do well or be happy in the state system. Bright, well adjusted kids do well in decent state education. No you won't get the glitz and the feel good factor of knowing you are in a niche place but it depends if you can afford the fees year on year.

See this is the sort of thing that makes me feel a bit wary.

I haven't a clue why CLC would be the exception to the rule? Should we know things like that?

The fees are a little higher than the school DD loves but in a similar ballpark and the website is sending the same message.

OP, your dc is obviously gifted in their talent so they should be given the opportunity to excel at it. She won't be the only dc in the school on a similar programme.

Ignore the CLC comment! It's ratio of wealthy girls won't be any different to any others.

Can you easily afford £7k a year? I think that's a massive amount of money & I would blithely decide to send her as if that was nothing.

Sorry if I missed it - have you other children? How will you approach education for them?

Thanks.

This is a lot like what certain family members are saying.

Although the GCSE and A Level results are head and shoulders above any of our local state schools as is the list of where leavers are heading.

So while we're 'taken in' by the marketing we aren't just seeing all the incredible sports facilities and music rooms and blinkering everything else.

OP- has your DD actually been offered a place yet? Presumably she still has to do the 11plus and pass the exam to get a bursary? Please don't get to excited just in case it doesn't all work out.

Do it. One of mine went private (generous scholarship) and one went to a well thought of grammar. The one at private, who was not as bright, has flourished, they genuinely cared about her dreams and helped her get there).The grammar seemed to have the attitude that you should be grateful to be there and were not interested in any concerns (I was absolutely not a complainer but had a genuine concern and got nowhere). My DS has done badly his A levels as a result and we are now picking up the pieces of that. My biggest regret is not moving my DS to private before he started A levels.

only my story and if my son hadn’t had a problem perhaps he would have been fine, but the opportunity for individual care and small class sizes are incomparable. I wish all children could have the opportunity but I wouldn’t deny mine out of principle.

There are families of all walks at a regular independent, please don’t worry about that x

@Llamapalma

Are there any other siblings, and is there the potential for the scholarship amount to change during her time there?

Depends which private school it is. Lots of fabulous state options. Many private schools not worth it, some definitely are.

I went to a private school in my junior years and for a lot of my high school years.
I lived in a small house on an estate. My parents suddenly earned a lot but spent all their spare money on my sisters and I going to the school.

There was a real mixture of wealth at the school and it never affected friendships from what I saw. Some of us lived in normal houses, some in big houses and some in mansions with housekeepers and gardeners.
I'm sure your daughter will find a mixture at this school as well.

If you believe it will benefit her education, take the opportunity. If she doesn't like it, you can always pull her out and move her to another school.