Child not enjoying St Albans school what should I do?

[Logicalwannabemother]

My son entered St Albans a week or two ago. He is doing well with three tutor commendations already. He doesn’t feel like he fits in and isn’t very happy. Doesn’t think it’s very challenging although I think it got 14th this year for GCSE. We don’t really know his academic position because the sets are jumbled up. But he has realised that he is the only one that enjoys things like advanced philosophy like Marx for example, watches intellectual debates/lectures and has much more of a “sophisticated general knowledge”. He isn’t very sporty so is called a nerd, but I’m sure that’s fairly normal. He has said that the teachers are overqualified, some parts of the campus are extraordinarily amazing but some are substandard. There are some opportunities like the Stephen Hawking society that invites famous scientists to give lectures as well. But the pupil body and just the overall feeling isn’t very appealing to him. He said that it seemed much better on the open day.

He has also been discussing about moving schools. What can he do? Are there any options like St Paul’s, UCS, Habs and possibly Westminster that could let him join at the end of the term or somewhere in the year? If they don’t are there any other options or do you think it foolish of him and me to think about moving? Please help.

I am a teacher in a similar school and I know STABS very well.

Many PP have mentioned the possibility of ASD and this sounds nightly likely. How we the OP has not commented on this. It sounds as if OP is in denial about this. Your DS sounds like a classic example of a high functioning ASD teen who is struggling with the change of routine.

The schools you mention are extremely unlikely to have a place right now and will probably have long wait lists.

I think you should look into supporting your son emotionally, and if you have not investigated a diagnosis I strongly suggest you do so

I don’t really know much about Eton, I imagine it’s fairly similar, more academic, probably oriented around one particular sport like St Albans and St. Paul’s.

Eton isn't oriented around one sport (we play them at rugby, hockey and cricket) and I wouldn't say St A is either (we play them at the same sports).

I have friends with kids at Eton and I'd say it would be even less what you're after. The boys aren't the more nerdy academic types, and, as it's boarding, sociability is highly valued.

I know it's tempting to try to 'fix' problems as parents but I honestly think the answer isn't the school. Teenage boys talk nonsense about TikTok, their gym routines, the Xbox, clothes and (if it's their thing) sport. Not philosophy. My sons have academic scholarships but wouldn't talk about subject-related topics as it would bore their friends. I'm not trying to be harsh, just giving advice on the joy of bringing up teenage boys,

RA (and other autoimmune stuff) sucks - and when inflammation is uncontrolled, also affects mood outside an actual psychological diagnosis.

Could he be in need of a medication review or a long acting steroid injection to give him a but of relief? (The mood can come before the pain/tiredness/skin/usual symptoms).

@NeverDropYourMooncup You are clearly very knowledgable! Wow. Yes, he does have a lot of autoimmune issues and uses the same medication for rheumatoid arthritis and cancer, which gives a lot of nausea. It’s not as bad as RA or cancer, but it has been bad.

How did you guess!☺️

@red4321 yes, I get your point. Is philosophy categorised in subject related stuff? I guess it is academic, but more extracurricular and something out of the ordinary rather than the normal Algebra and other things.

It's certainly in the more high brow category.... And not something I've ever heard my teenagers or their friends discuss. (Some of the boys I know headed off to Oxbridge so not unacademic).

I'm sure he'll find like-minded friends but maybe worth sticking to more mainstream teenage topics for now, or I suspect he may alienate a few of his peers!

I've learnt something new - I have an auto immune disease and I didn't know the link between inflammation and mood.

I was academic but never in the genius category and I actually really enjoyed Philosophy at school. I went to an ordinary state gymnasium in Germany, but we had philosophy as one of our ordinary subjects. Is there no option to take philosophy as a subject? I don't know if it's being taught in English schools

Yes it’s taught in British schools and is a popular subject.

That doesn’t make them over qualified! Lots of teachers at my school, including me, have Oxbridge degrees - we love teaching and our qualifications help us teach bright students. You need to help him relax a bit.

I'd like to say I'm a genius, but in reality, it's because I would puke my guts up after a weekly methotrexate dose and felt rotten for the next 5 days, just beginning to feel a bit human by day 6. (Psoriatic Arthritis, widespread Tendinosis, Psoriasis, Celiac, plus additional connective tissue crapness from EDS and lots of wonderful pains, random injuries and other systemic symptoms from that as well).

If he's on tablets, switching to injections is a lot less puke inducing, especially as there is no issues with absorption through the stomach, so a smaller dose can be more effective. He could still feel nauseous and tired, but an anti emetic that acts upon the brain rather than the stomach can help - and it is possible for the consultant to increase the number of days he takes folic acid from just one to anything up to 6 out of 7 (the 7th being MTX day). I also became completely unable to stomach milk, sweet or fatty foods around the same time - they made the nausea 100x worse - and stuff just tasted weird all the time, like tomatoes, fruit (and anything I couldn't cover in sea salt).

An im steroid shot can really help - I'd get those when I was starting to flare; the fact I was near to tears, totally antisocial and ready to tell everybody to bugger off and leave me alone to stay in bed when I'm generally tough as old boots and very active was the cue to request a nurse appt. It's not as well known as I think it should be, but my consultant says she's absolutely in agreement with the research indicating it isn't 'just (perfectly understandable) depression or being sad because you're in pain' because for so many people, it doesn't match levels of pain but disappears within a couple of hours of systemic steroids (it doesn't work with intra articular injections) or within a short time of the medication regime being changed as the inflammation reduces.

I switched to biologics, first Humira and then Cosentyx and the latter has been brilliant for two years now - no nausea at all - and I think a lot of people would agree I'm far more agreeable generally now I'm not exhausted, in pain and being a bit of a twat with marginally less patience than Caligula emotionally labile all the time. And I'm not dragging myself through the week with the sole aim of being able to do absolutely nothing at all for two days.

Other things that helped were a. Avoiding all oats and cows milk as well as the obvious gluten/wheat/barley/rye/frequently cross contaminated stuff from the supermarket b. Getting custom orthotics and wearing them in running shoes two sizes larger all the time and c. consistently exercising to strengthen the muscles that had weakened from the pain, inactivity and assorted injuries. Strength training, rowing and swimming have been the gamechangers for me since the biologics have made it possible to move.

Hopefully, you'll be able to get him reviewed and ask about other steps they can take if his active disease isn't being controlled enough. Because 'It's doing something, but it's just not doing enough' is a good reason for them to look at his treatment and consider progressing along the treatment pathways.

I can easily see how a smart kid could become more antisocial, less motivated to do anything and also have no patience at all with anybody else if he's dragging himself through the days, never feeling truly well. And on top of that, he's a teenager, too.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I’m sure my son would be best friends with you. Methotrexate is a word we can never use in our household! It brings up too many bad memories. He isn’t on it now, he stopped under a year ago. My husband is an eye surgeon so he dealt with it. We were thinking of humira, but he is currently on micophenelate. So he feels much better. When he was on it, we switched to subcutaneous injections around 1.5 years after starting it. He used ondansetron to kill the nausea, but nothing worked.

It’s more about the lasting repercussion of MTX. Popular kid to too many friendship issues to becoming a geek. He’s become more anti social from the beginning of year 8 and became a full on geek only a few months ago.

@NeverDropYourMooncup also my sympathy goes with you. I can pretty touch guarantee that you had a larger dose than him. Arthritis? Bad? Arthritis with a large dose of MTX? Worse than death.

He sounds like fun - in the very smart, sarcastic and completely unafraid to roll his eyes in sympathy when you've just had a member of SLT rant about how they 'do everything round here' as you're up to your eyeballs in work for an event they will inevitably be publicly thanked for, applauded and given a big bunch of flowers for 'making happen'.

Year 9s are generally the most annoying to both staff and other Year 9s, as some are reaching what could be termed intellectual maturity and some are very much still, well, not.

He's obviously learned about the annoying staff bit a little earlier and hopefully he's getting the hang of 'It's OK to think somebody's a bit of an idiot - the key is not to tell them through either words or actions exactly what you think of them'. He also needs to learn/be told that not everybody has got the time or patience to sift through the waffle - they'll be more kindly disposed to somebody who Gets to The Point, especially as waffle is often used to disguise the fact that the speaker doesn't actually have a clue what they're talking about. Diplomacy will get him further in five well chosen words than waffle will get him in fifty. His Dad gets better results in theatre by being clear, concise and (hopefully politely) direct, I'd imagine. He needs to develop the same skills - to be able to get his point across when necessary without the fluff - which could make his life dealing with the other students that little bit easier, too.

I'd try to encourage him to look at this potentially being 3 years - taking him up to GCSE. Depending upon the particular length of terms there, somewhere around 100 weeks. He's got the advantage of highly qualified staff to teach, support and intellectually stretch him to the point at which he can look at what he wants for A Level and then for University.

He doesn't have to be the life and soul of the party or have an absolutely glittering social calendar, but he does need to generally get along with people - as his peers mature and the novelty of his existence wanes, he's more likely to find some of them better company than he does as the New Boy (where it probably feels either like they're looking at him rather like a new exhibit in the Bughouse at London Zoo or he's surveying the dynamics of the Serengeti with David Attenborough narrating in his head).

In short, I think a lot of it is because he's very conscious that he's new and they are very conscious that he's new - and that will hopefully reduce over the coming weeks, especially if he learns to dial it in a bit with the locals and find people that share some of his interests.

(And yes, he absolutely sounds like the sort of person I'd have as a friend when he's an adult!).

thank you so much.

My son just gave us an update today. It’s actually not just him. The troublemaker kid is in his class. He vapes and threatened my son to get some kids to beat him up. My son gets pushed around, he is quite physically fragile. You could imagine how this would’ve pissed him. And then he ranted on about intellectual superiority, with me, for about 10 mins. I don’t agree with most things he said, but I assume he is venting because he doesn’t have much to intimidate others with and therefore uses his mind as a flex to other kids. This obviously scares no one.

Yeah, 'I've got an IQ of 176' doesn't cut much ice when somebody's already wanting to give you a pasting because you were able to answer the questions in class instantly and they're already feeling like they need to be the big, scary man, whether because they have issues from their parents/school or just happen to be a dickhead in training.

However, with Autoimmune Disease, he does count as a child with SEND (special educational needs and disability). So perhaps the SENDCO could be enlisted to ensure staff keep an eye on the dynamics and make sure that threats don't end up being dismissed as (puke) banter or (double puke) boys being boys?

@Logicalwannabemother how is your son getting on now?

Maybe big changes associate with hormonal changes of the puberty phase? I think Westminster could be most suitable for your son. Worth to let him visit and see if he likes it.