Child not enjoying St Albans school what should I do?

[Logicalwannabemother]

My son entered St Albans a week or two ago. He is doing well with three tutor commendations already. He doesn’t feel like he fits in and isn’t very happy. Doesn’t think it’s very challenging although I think it got 14th this year for GCSE. We don’t really know his academic position because the sets are jumbled up. But he has realised that he is the only one that enjoys things like advanced philosophy like Marx for example, watches intellectual debates/lectures and has much more of a “sophisticated general knowledge”. He isn’t very sporty so is called a nerd, but I’m sure that’s fairly normal. He has said that the teachers are overqualified, some parts of the campus are extraordinarily amazing but some are substandard. There are some opportunities like the Stephen Hawking society that invites famous scientists to give lectures as well. But the pupil body and just the overall feeling isn’t very appealing to him. He said that it seemed much better on the open day.

He has also been discussing about moving schools. What can he do? Are there any options like St Paul’s, UCS, Habs and possibly Westminster that could let him join at the end of the term or somewhere in the year? If they don’t are there any other options or do you think it foolish of him and me to think about moving? Please help.

This 🤣

I’m not interested in academics in any sense, I just want him to fulfil his needs in terms of the compulsory academic things like reasonable quality homework. Everything else is his choice and preference.

Well, considering their staff list has around 14 Dr listed out of around 200... not entirely sure where he got the figure of 70% have Doctorates....

What does he mean?

Again about the overqualified teacher thing, I said rightly or wrongly, meaning I don’t know how to interpret that either.

... huh?

Ask him then...

Call.him out on his "70%" figure.

Wow. You need to chill out and show your son that it is important to take things slowly sometimes. Be humble. Take your time. Find the best in the situation you're in. No one can settle anywhere in 10 days. You reacting to his reaction is totally unhelpful. You be the calm leader.

Actually, my vibe is that you are both autistic tbh. That's not a bad thing in any way. But recognising it will probably be helpful for both of you

@BettyBottersBetterButter i think this is a perfect example of mumsnet.

He sounds uncomfortable and unhappy - definitely like he hasn't settled yet. He may be falling back on academics as that's his main interest and where he's always felt comfortable.

I would agree with him that year 9 can feel a bit unfocused if you're driven and hardworking and very interested in academic qualifications- my ds wouldn't have known what a PhD was in year 9. But that shows that year 9 has something to teach him. Life is not all about pure academics. Is he looking at the Duke of Edinburgh award (setting up a philosophy club for the younger years would be a great voluntary effort) , music, drama, art, sport, dance? Is he making friends, developing outside school, reading for pleasure?

I'd encourage him to jump in and enjoy this chance to explore a bit more broadly.

Marx is fairly entry level philosophy. Get him on to some Kant.

I think maybe you and him should concentrate less on academics and more on his social skills. They seem very far behind his peers.

That’s another issue. We try to invite his friends but he hates it. We’re no forcing him to socialise more. When he wants to, he speaks in an expressive and impressive way, he is a debater, but generally he doesn’t like to talk to anyone or socialise with anyone on the weekends. Usually, teenagers want to go out with their friends, for us it’s there opposite, we have to force him.

How was he at his last school? Was he at a Prep school (only assuming as he’s Year 9)?
I still think it’s early doors to be bailing. I take it you and he visited the school before to get a feel for it and make sure it was the right fit for him?

You are over invested op. Your job is to remind your son he needs to work on his ability to get along with other people.

And to introduce him to humility.

He has already got once failed school placement under his belt. He needs to worry less about advanced philosophy and more about become a well rounded and - crucially - nice human being.

Instead of starting with what is making him unhappy, make a list of what he would like in a school, and then try to find out if it exists.

I suspect, sadly, that his interests are so advanced and niche that it won't, and that he's going to be very frustrated until he reaches the point - possibly as an undergraduate at Oxbridge, or maybe not until postgrad - where he can self-direct his own study. That's what happens when you hothouse children ... he's not going to uni until he's 18 but academically is probably (academically) ready for it now. The next few years are something to be endured, rather than enjoyed.

So, 'overqualified', because Who needs an Oxbridge doctorate if they're just going to be a schoolteacher? or Teachers having Oxbridge doctorates would be reasonable at a school with a higher general calibre of pupil, but a waste here, with only myself and a couple of others worthy of their level of learning?

However, if you really are thinking of trying to move him, the sense or not of this notwithstanding, it would make sense to do it sooner rather than later, before his year group gets stuck in to GCSE syllabuses.

Does he have a neurodiverse diagnosis of some kind?

Also - does he have friends? It doesn't sound like it. That's very painful and difficult at times. Is there any weekend activity where he gets to spend time with people his age who 'get' him - again im thinking of music or similar?

When with people he is sort of extroverted he talks a lot, because of his debating, people have called him bojo and also the way he speaks. Don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

He used to be popular up to yr 6, then there were major issues and he became unpopular and also because of medical issues, he started to hate being with people.

You need to sit down with your son and explain to him he's not better than anyone else. Maybe he has matured intellectually a little earlier than some of his peers but they will catch him up and do just as well as him in the long run.

In the mean time, he needs to concentrate on finding ways to get on with everyone else as that is as likely to lead to future success as academic qualifications. I suggest leaving his niche interests to the weekend, as they are likely to antagonize fellow pupils. Nobody likes a smartarse, after all.

Well, I can understand you don't want to go into outing details on here. But it sounds like he urgently needs some more support - without more details it's hard to say what. I am still wondering whether he may have some form of neurodiversity.

What do his teachers think? How is he really doing? They may have ideas about extension activities that would help him find a niche.

Your post is surprising because STABS is one of those schools that seems to produce confident but not cocky engaged boys and men.
Academically they want to be serious but not overly competitive. I would say it is a very balanced school.
13/14 is a weird age anyhow and moving schools is never easy. I would talk to his form or house teacher and see what they suggest doing to help him settle.
I wouldn’t indulge conversations about him moving for sure. That’s not the right message and won’t help with trying to make friends.

Your son sounds so intellectual, clever and mature . You must be so proud 😊

He’s pretty much been doing everything possible. Thank you all for your tips. As a last resort, are there any schools which would fit my DS and would accommodate are situations?

I know nothing at all about the school (beyond having heard of it) but what jumped out from your posts was that your son sounds very unhappy.

Is he depressed or anxious? You say he had difficulties in his last school, doesn't want to spend time with his friends at weekends - does he have hobbies that he enjoys? His attitude to his new school is very negative after only a week and seems to be finding fault for the sake of it. The 'arrogance' could be a defense mechanism if he has been hurt by friends in the past? I don't think moving him elsewhere as a knee-jerk reaction would necessarily help. Would you consider some therapy or counselling for him?

Could he have mental health issues? Like the previous pp suggested is he depressed or suffering with anxiety maybe? And using this 'arrogance' as a mask?